Friday June 4, 2004

None the wiser

Category: Me about me | 4 Comments | Posted 17:15

Sooo I'm back from Luxembourg. Nothing much has changed. I had loads of time to think of course, but the way I feel about my problems changes almost hourly according to the state of mind I'm in, so I can never really seem to come to a satisfactory conclusion. One instant I'm convinced everything has to change immediately, then the next I think I won't ever manage to go through with that anyway so I may as well give up and leave things as they are. Which is of course a sign of weakness.

I was actually gonna do a long entry about how I've fucked up and achieved absolutely nothing altho I had all the chances yadda yadda but I don't think I can still be bothered now. I don't wanna sound all self-pitiful and that's what it is. I just don't quite know where to go and how to get out of this. I'm kind of expecting other people to solve my problems for me cuz I feel I don't have the strength myself. Of course in most cases that ain't gonna happen.

I'm making it too easy for myself by hiding behind excuses like genetics and fate and whatnot. I'm aware of that... so I should be able to fight it and improve... but I am too weak, and that's something I can't change... and so on, it's a fucking vicious circle that I may never get out of. You can say "if you believed in yourself you could do it." That's one way to look at it. But you can also say "you're trying to find the easiest way out for yourself." Either way I can't change the way I feel.

Hm, most of this probably makes sense to no one but me (and those who've listened to me whinge about all my issues). I'm not really expecting any advice or anything anyway (I'd close the comments but then I'll get shouted at). Was just thinking aloud really... sort of a conclusion of my so-called "internet break". Maybe I'll finally follow Jimmy's advice and go see a therapist again. But the point is I have to want to change... :-?

What else is new...

Category: Life & Me | 9 Comments | Posted 19:10

Ja below is my whingeing entry and this is my "update entry". So after spending Monday off sick with a "migraine" (read hangover) I got up at an ungodly hour on Tuesday morning and left for Lux (by car, I must point out) - accompanied by the worst possible weather of course. Made it to the Channel Tunnel on time tho, but was informed there were delays. Ah well. I was in no hurry.

Now while I was waiting in line (in my car) I thought it would be a good idea to do some eyebrow plucking (the light in the car is usually quite good). My tweezers were in my suitcase in the boot. Because it was raining, I decided to pull the back seats forward and get to the suitcase that way, rather than walking around the car and getting wet. So I was balancing on the back seat (with my feet somewhere near the steering wheel), when I suddenly saw a fucking huge, ugly, brown daddy longlegs about 5 inches from my face! You should have seen me scrambling backwards out of that car (while muttering "OMG OMG OMG" - I couldn't shout cuz I have this fear that they will fly into my mouth if I open it too wide).

So there I was, in the rain, with a monster in my car!!! What to do? First off I opened all the doors (incl. the boot) and tried to shoo it out - all the while it was of course raining into my car, onto my lovely leather seats and all my stuff. I must have looked like a complete and utter fool to the other people waiting - jumping from one car door to the next and poking inside with my umbrella. Do you think the little bugger moved!?!? Of course not - he knew full well it was nasty and wet outside and nice and warm in my Lara!!!!

Sooo I had to resort to more extreme measures. I considered asking one of the men around me for help but even to me that was too embarrassing, so I just ended up clobbering him to death with my umbrella. Which broke in the process. But the monster was dead!!!! Thank God!!! I immediately proceeded to send out numerous texts telling everyone about this horrendous experience... and earned nothing but laughter!! Even from those people who I know are fucking scared of the buggers themselves!!! :| (at least squiZZ said he knew he shouldn't be laughing! Still he laughed of course.)

So that was my shock for the day. Luxembourg was boring. Of course I couldn't remember most of the many things I was supposed to bring back, so I spent ages going through my stuff wondering "do I need this, do I need this" etc. I bought a cute green lamp tho (old one's broken so yes I needed it). I also dyed my hair again, and I got new glasses and new sunglasses (special offer).

Having no Net meant I wasted a lot of time watching extremely boring and stupid TV and writing letters and sending texts (a feeble Yahoo replacement). Went to see my horsey a couple of times (he's as cute as ever) and met up with a few friends (and didn't meet up with some others cuz couldn't be bothered). Ah yes and celebrated my mum's birthday.

Got up at some ungodly hour of the morning again today (4.15 UK time!!!!), drove through torrential rain and heavy traffic back to Brighton... and here I am. The End.
PS Work sucks.

Saturday June 5, 2004


Category: Life & Me | 7 Comments | Posted 21:22

Yeah and whinge sigh moan complain. Seriously, I feel awful, sore throat & ears, aching limbs, I'm freezing (with everyone else complaining about the heat), occasional headache and whatnot. Probably a bit of fever too. So am sat here in my warmest winter pyjama sipping blackcurrant lemsip. Will head off to bed soon and finish reading Brick Lane - or fall asleep in the process.

Worst thing is because I called in sick last Monday too and I'm still on probation this won't look good and I'll probably have to go see a doctor and so on. (| So let's hope it's better by then. That's all really. Work was very quiet today cuz of the football (lol). Tomorrow bed obviously. And lots of self-pitying of course. Eugh. Hope y'all are having fun. :|

Monday June 7, 2004

Hooray for recycling

Category: Updates | 13 Comments | Posted 12:32

And hooray for lazy people! Yeah so here's an old new layout for you... well a few old layouts mixed together, with a (new) quote by the wonderful Serge Gainsbourg. If you ask nicely I might tell you what it means. 8-}

I am feeling better. Still headaches & sore throat but no more horrible flu symptoms. So can go to work in 10mins. Oh yippie. :|

That's all. Bye!

Tuesday June 8, 2004

Life of Pi revisited

Category: Opinionated | 6 Comments | Posted 0:07

Another one of my (sort of) book review entries. Skip if not interested.

If you check my Right Now section on the right you'll see that I'm currently reading Self by Yann Martel (fiction/autobiography, with philosophical pretenses). I bought it in Glasgow cuz it was cheap and cuz I loved his 2nd book Life of Pi.

That one I bought cuz it had got raving reviews and won the Man Booker Prize 2002 (and probably was on a 3 for 2 offer). I didn't know much about it, but I remember reading something along the lines of how this book would make you turn to religion. I've tried to find that review now but all I can find is this on Amazon: "The realisation of the point the narrator makes to the Japanese investigators at the end made me laugh and cry at the same time and for the first time in ages I felt a tug at my soul towards a higher power."

There must have been sth else, but anyway, it made me a bit apprehensive of course. I still read the book. And I came out thinking "ok, if anything this has strengthened my conviction that religion is a scam." But I was intrigued of course cuz under the impression that the author had tried to convey the opposite and that it was I who had misinterpreted it because of my warped, anti-theistic view of the world.

But now I am reading Self. And finding out that Yann Martel is an atheist. Well there we go. I'm loving Life of Pi all the more now, because the conclusion I drew from it wasn't an accident originating in my atheism, but it was indeed what the author had intended (aah the intentional fallacy, most interestingly exemplified here!). What a marvellous book. You should all read it and be enlightened. *lol*

Incidentally, here's (my commented version of) Amazon's interesting recommendation:
Customers who bought books by Yann Martel also bought books by these authors:
Alexander McCall Smith - yep
Mark Haddon - yep
Alice Sebold - yep (both)
Monica Ali - yep (latest one I read!)
DBC Pierre - yep (the one before that!)
Am I too predictable or do I buy too many (recent) books? :-?


Category: Randomness | 8 Comments | Posted 1:01

I don't do it nearly enough these days. I used to dance my way through the whole of Madonna's Immaculate Collection (ok I admit I'd be close to death by the end of it). Nowadays I dance through J-Lo's "I'm Glad" and nearly collapse in a heap on the floor.

But it's still fun! So I should do it more. I wonder why I don't. Too old and too self-conscious? :-? Or just too lazy and too unfit? :| I'm sure it releases some sort of feel-good hormones. If anything it burns calories. Now where's my Immaculate Collection CD.... :yay

[edit after 5 repeats of I'm Glad] stay tuned for tomorrow's complaints from downstairs about loud music and stomping, and for my complaints about very sore muscles. Right now I'm feeling great tho! Even my headache is gone! :D [/edit]

Doing the dishes

Category: Video | 9 Comments | Posted 17:18

Hehe ok so I was cleaning the kitchen and decided to film myself during some of it, then increase the speed (by 8 I believe) and add Moby's Go as a soundtrack (instead of Destiny's Child - Survivor, which I was actually listening to).

It's very dark cuz set against the window (so I'm just a black shape really. I'm not complaining). Also utterly pointless, but well, what isn't. Right. It's 705KB, 21min and only available in wmv cuz I needed Windows Movie Maker to accelerate it. Um. Download here.

Brighton Fog

Category: Photolog | 9 Comments | Posted 17:36

So Craig is finding this so utterly fascinating that I thought I'd share it with the rest of you too... These are three pics taken on 14th of April of fog rolling in from the east in the middle of the day. Apparently that's exceptional. :P

Fog 12:46 ... Fog 12:49 ... Fog 12:53

Yeah after that it was all over pretty fast cuz I remember I wanted to keep taking pics but changed my mind. :-? (pics all open in same window so you can go back and forth if you like)

We like the Sun!

Category: Life & Me | 7 Comments | Posted 19:17

Well I do.

And the beach.

My life is like a constant holiday! (I dunno if that's so good tbh)

Anyway. Sunny Delight. The sunburn is de rigueur of course. Don't vituperate. I know I know, cancer waiting to happen yadda yadda. It wasn't intentional. My back wasn't even in the sun (I swear)! View front & back.

Wednesday June 9, 2004

Today's a great day!

Category: Life & Me | 11 Comments | Posted 14:40

God I am so incredibly productive!!! It's quite unbelievable! I've written over 800 words so far, all the while chatting with up to three people at the same time and listening to music.

And for the first time in months I have actually drooled over Michael Jackson's voice!

I am invincible yes I am!

muahahahahahaha :evil

On Love

Category: Opinionated | 10 Comments | Posted 17:12

So I thought it was about time to do an entry about this whole love thing, since many people seem to be so confused about how I feel about it. I won't deny I sound contradictory sometimes, but I'm not really, well not to me anyway. I think the main problem people have is that I say I don't believe in love but I can still admit to being in love myself.

Continue reading "On Love"
Thursday June 10, 2004

Oh how I hate Sky!

Category: Rants & Raves | 2 Comments | Posted 13:49

(from a convo with Craig cuz too lazy to type up again)

You know I ordered my Sky (satellite subscription) thru these Lux Sat TV ppl?
So he set it up for me yes? (over the phone)
So because he was a man the whole thing is now set up to "Mr C Carim."
When I tried to change my subscription that was a problem already so I got Daniel to pretend being... well me. Or my husband if you wish.
So HE set up a password.
Which I could use from then on to do other stuff, being Mr C Carim's devoted wife.
But now I want to cancel it.
And AGAIN only MR FUCKING C CARIM can do it!!
"Is your husband at home? Cuz only he can cancel it I'm afraid."
Luckily Daniel's coming round ours on Friday so I'll bribe him into being Mr Carim again.
But seriously, what a fucking joke!
They quote the fucking data protection act and all - when the whole subscription's a scam to start with?!

Ja so grrrrrrrrrrr!!! X( X( X( X(

Reminiscing and procrastinating

Category: Randomness | 0 Comments | Posted 19:24

Ja so instead of working on my dissertation I have been going through old entries... from last December to be precise (not sure how I ended up there) and it's weird and sad to read those again. It seems to me now that last December was a fab time. There was that weekend in Brighton when we found our flat, we had so much fun doing immature stuff with Daniel and being generally stupid, and there was lots of travelling around, to Bern and stuff, and I am probably idealising stuff now but it seemed I was a lot more carefree and positive back then. Everything was still ahead of me. And things were easier somehow, there were less complications between 'some people', everything was just more fun and less tiring. :-? But as I said, maybe I am just idealising.

Ja and then there's the problem of my job (slight change of topic here). I've kind of decided to quit before squiZZ gets here and take July off to do exciting stuff. Cuz I can't get any days off and arranging shift swaps is a fucking nightmare, so the whole Placebo thing becomes a bit of a problem (I need Saturday off to go to France, and working other days and leaving squiZZ on his own ain't fun either), plus Craig will be visiting the weekend after squiZZ leaves and I would be working 2 out of 3 days that he's here. Plus I was originally gonna go see Mon at the end of the month, then found out I couldn't cuz of the bloody job, but I really wanna so if I quit I could do that too. And spend the rest of the month on the bloody dissertation (yawn).

I have to get a full time job anyway to pay the bills (as rent is no longer paid for) so might as well do this... right? But it's scary of course, this job is safe and good and once I quit it will be gone forever, I doubt they'll hire me again so soon. :)) And if I can't find a "proper" job right away I might have to settle for something much more crap than checkouts, and with far worse pay too, and  I'd have to do it full time... but I really want July off, and I really wanna see MonMon again, and I am basically deciding between being irresponsible but having fun, and being grown up but ruining much of my summer. :-? What a dilemma. :| I also need to go to Riga. Won't manage that in July anyway tho. (and :o @ fares! £87 one way! :(()

Tralalala.... Hang on to your IQ... now back to that dissertation. :wh

Mon is a bully

Category: Memes | 9 Comments | Posted 21:42

So she's forcing me to post this even tho I am scared and don't want to know what people think of me. So don't reply! Thanks! :D
(Ok no really you can reply. You should reply. I really want to know. :-n)

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it:
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married? To you?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your Blog and see what I say about you?

Friday June 11, 2004

I am... III

Category: Memes | 0 Comments | Posted 18:08

So here's something else I found while going through old entries. First done on 11 Dec 2002, then again a year later, I thought 6 months on it would be time again (ok I'm bored, shut it). Moved on? Me? Ha!

I am not: who I want to be.
I hurt: when you kick me.
I love: squiZZ Mon BML Lo d Craig Val. Music sunshine Paris.
I hate: kids dogs feelings work expectations.
I fear: the future.
I hope: because hope is what keeps us going.
I regret: doing my MA.
I cry: rarely these days. (again!)
I care: about those I love. (too much?)
I always: wear glasses. (lol)
I feel alone: rarely.
I listen: to a lot of music.
I hide: behind my pseudo-self-analyses.
I drive: myself (and others) insane by blowing everything out of proportion.
I sing: badly.
I write: a load of crap.
I breathe: air.
I miss: Mon squiZZ my dad my horse. Better days?
I search: for answers. "the" answers?
I learn: nothing. I go around in circles.
I feel: differently every few hours or so.
I know: the past will catch you up as you run faster.
I say: "ja" far too much these days.
I crave: sunshine.
I succeed: not. Full stop.
I fail: to change.
I dream: utter rubbish.
I wonder: about humanity.
I want: to be content.
I worry: too much.
I wish: I were a different person.
I have: many material possessions and I am not happy. Yet I want more material possessions. *lol* One day they will make me happy!
I give: advice that I can't follow myself. But at least I'm not the only one.
I fight: less and less.
I wait: for other people to make the decisions for me.
I need: to get a fucking grip.

Saturday June 12, 2004

I have the power

Category: Randomness | 3 Comments | Posted 1:46

and I do nothing. (|

Nice way to go

Category: Randomness | 7 Comments | Posted 12:58

Man Jumps From Helicopter at Grand Canyon
A man aboard a sightseeing helicopter took off his seat belt, opened a door and jumped to his death in Grand Canyon National Park in an apparent suicide, officials said.

I could...

Category: Life & Me | 2 Comments | Posted 22:41

email Aniko
email Charlotte
email Jarmila, Elena, Ian...
update the Clarissa Browser
work on the dissertation
write letters
draw or paint
clean up this place
make a video
write a story
design a T-shirt
go for a walk
ooh the apathy.

[edit] or I could just chat to lots of people on Yahoo :)) [/edit]

Sunday June 13, 2004


Category: Randomness | 6 Comments | Posted 15:02

I would like to go lie on the beach. But I know for a fact that as soon as I go down there and spread my towel and my limbs, a big arse cloud will come and cover the sun and it will be cold and unsunny. I bet you don't believe me, but such is the nature of my bad luck. I would go down and do it just to prove it to you. If I wasn't so lazy.

Yes but that's not what this entry was gonna be about. Football. Euro 2004. What a huge fucking waste of money in promotion, merchandise and whatnot! And at what an incredibly high risk! Flags, banners, books, chairs, mugs, T-shirts, fridges etc. Special offers on booze, food, TVs and so on. All devised to last until the end of the championship! And if they don't make it past the preliminaries (is that what you call it?) all this stuff will be wasted! I mean who wants an England Euro 2004 flag if the team are out?

And I imagine it's the same thing in every country that stands a remote chance of winning... and they all think they do don't they? So loads of blue-white-red stuff in France, lots of orange stuff in the Netherlands, lots of black-red-gold in Germany... and not all these teams can make it into the finals or semi-finals. So most of the stuff will end up in the bins. How idiotic.

I support France btw. I'd support England but I reckon France are better and I don't like supporting losers. And I was in Paris for the World Cup 1998 and had one of the greatest times of my life so they deserve my support. Oh and whoever wins I hope it won't be Germany. Other than that I have absolutely no interest in football. :))

PS Oh sod it. *off to the beach*

It has been decided!

Category: Life & Me | 11 Comments | Posted 22:53

I am so fucking hyper!!!! Today was a great day - I wrote nearly 1000 words of my boring dissertation, I went rollerblading, I went sunbathing, France beat England 2-1, I'm utterly squiZZobsessed and I generally had a fun day. FUN FUN FUN! :D :yay

So to reward myself (for the 1000 words) I have decided not to have a pizza (well that too but that's not a reward, only dinner), but to definitely quit my job. Esp. as Daniel has agreed to look after BML Me's pigs while I disappear to Norway to visit Mon lovely Mon at the end of July.

Quitting my job is utterly insane and irresponsible but apparently insane is good and well, what the hell. I will miss the people there, they're very cute. I'll miss the safety too... and I'll miss my discount card (which I should get any day now - I feel bad about the fact that they'll make one for me just for 2 weeks :))). BUT I will have a fucking GREAT July and after that I'll get myself an exciting full time job! SEE how positive I am!? :D :P

Um ja. So now my Mon is online I can book plane tickets. Byeeee!!!! :D

Tuesday June 15, 2004

So tonight I say

Category: Opinionated | 4 Comments | Posted 1:58

Suicide is a most intriguing subject (tho disturbing to some).
I still feel like I'm on holiday. All the time. The weather...!
Don't take away the music please.
I'm insane but I feel better than I have in a long time.
squiZZpet®squiZZpet®squiZZpet®squiZZpet® etc.
People are inscrutable. Totally.
So maybe I should stop trying to understand them once and for all.
I need more books. But they must be free.
I fucking love summer!!!
I don't like taboos.
I wasn't raped when I was 5. (or 6 or 7 etc)
All the same I don't need (or want) sex.
The future is still a fucking scary place to be.
Not the immediate future tho cuz July's gonna be bloody amazing!!!
And isn't that all it is about? Hedonism? Let's have FUN  you suckas!!!!
The End (for now). Thanks!

At the risk of repeating myself...

Category: Life & Me | 12 Comments | Posted 22:19

(no not squiZZ:x for once)


Ja so today I didn't do any work on the dissertation again, but instead went sunbathing and got very red in the face (but you ain't getting pics), went for a swim in a very cold sea (2 in fact. 2 swims, not 2 seas), walked along the seafront to Brighton to get books (I had to pay for them since they wouldn't give me them for free) and cheap Primark clothes, and now I'm sat at the open window with a nice summer breeze cooling me off. Hooray!

(but squiZZ:x too of course. at the risk of repeating myself. also Mon:x and Lo:x)

Thursday June 17, 2004

Fantasy vs Reality

Category: Mon & Lo updates | 3 Comments | Posted 1:20

I live in a dream world. Not continually and irrevocably. I am not always totally immersed in it so that I don't see the outside world. I endure the Real World as I know I have to. But I think if I had to reside in the Real World the whole time with nowhere to hide or escape I would have given up a long time ago.

I don't want this real thing. It's mostly boring and drab - moderately amusing at the best of times. It can never reach the exhilaration, the endless variety, the pure perfection of my fantasy world. Or that of other people. Give me books, songs, films, images, all sprung from the imagination of geniuses capable of creating magical worlds where anything is possible - and everything is believable. The sky the limit? The limit is only that moment when you have to wake up and return to reality.

Give me the Matrix any day. What do I care if nothing is real and I am living a lie. We are all living a lie anyway. Creating culture and religion and morals, love and feelings, progress and civilisation, all we have done is run away from the dreadful futility of existence. Do you think you're happier because tonight you will sleep in a bed from Ikea instead of a bed of leaves? And in our dreams we imagine living with the beasts again.

(to Lo: I know it's supposed to be Imagination but that doesn't quite capture what I wanna say. this wouldn't make a good essay anyway)


Category: Randomness | 22 Comments | Posted 22:16

There is nothing to say about me so let's talk about you.

Is there any one book that has 'changed your life'?
What do you think would make you happy?
Do you think true (lasting) happiness exists?
Do you like your name? What would you rather be called?
If I gave you £1000 on the condition that you spent it right now, what would you buy?
Ideal living arrangements? Ideal place to live?
What would you be if you were...
  • a colour
  • a scent
  • an animal

The end for I can't think of any more. You go now.

Friday June 18, 2004

And on it goes...

Category: Rants & Raves | 3 Comments | Posted 23:11

Sometimes I have nothing to say and sometimes I have 3 different entries swirling around my head but then I don't wanna write 3 cuz people only read the most recent one and the only reason I write in here is because I want people to read it. Hehe.

So quickly before I launch into my rant&rave, here's the most important update about my life: looks like I ain't quitting my job after all cuz Julie suggested I take study leave instead. didn't know that was possible at such short notice, but would be stupid not to do it. I said I needed a full time job in August and didn't wanna do checkouts FT and she said I didn't have to. obviously means "you can do bakery/grocery whatever too" but I'd be stupid to quit if I can have the safety of returning there. can always quit later. and they have graduate programme etc too that I could look into.

Now my rant&rave... about "9/11 Panel Finds No Collaboration Between Iraq & Al Qaeda" and the hypocritical two-faced fuss that is being made about that at the moment. PUR-FUCKING-LEASE! WE ALL KNEW THAT ANYWAY!!!!! Maybe part of the US public didn't cuz they blindly believed what their monkey told them, but the Bush administration knew it, and the rest of the world knew it. The very press that is denouncing it now knew it. Moby, who is doing nothing but ranting about it, knew it.

We all knew about the bigotry and double standards of this war from the beginning. We cried injustice of course, but we did little else. So now we cry injustice a little louder, but we're doing little else. Moby can lecture about high treason and the crimes of the Bush administration all he wants, we know nothing is gonna happen. The US aren't gonna change their strategy, and no one can do ANYTHING AT ALL about it - that's the way it is, and that's the way it will be. We're all sucking up to them for fear of being left out. The US will keep waging war on the countries that are in its way (and backing Israel in their injustices against the Palestinians), Europe will keep kissing Bush's monkey arse, and those like Germany or France who dare object from time to time will make sure they reinforce what great friends the US are on the very next occasion.

So I'm fatalistic, pessimistic, whatever, but ain't it the truth? In theory we have the power to change things but in practice nothing is gonna change, cuz people only get off their lazy arses if they're in really deep shit. The French Revolution wouldn't have happened if people hadn't been literally dying of hunger. And we are still far too well off to bother. The threat of (serious) economic decline and poverty is looming, but it is still remote and insignificant.

Yawn. Will be interesting to see what happens once we have actually run out of everyone's beloved oil. Won't be that long now. Ah well. At least, as my mum said, once we have a real war on there won't be no more time for mental depression and self-absorption. And it's high time, says my mum. :)) :|

Saturday June 19, 2004

Ok so...

Category: Life & Me | 6 Comments | Posted 2:15

I ain't gonna do a long entry about my obsessions, no no. Well there's only one really and I doubt that's gonna change any time soon. Ladeda.

Instead I will think aloud. BML Me is doing an Italian course starting October. And I am impressed and jealous and I want too. So I will. There. Ok. So I think I will do Arabic (sorry Lo ;;)). Dunno if I have to explain myself but in case I do
1. have always loved it (started once before, like 15yrs ago, but gave up on the writing)
2. a lot of people speak it so would be useful and I could visit lots of countries
3. I listen to a lot of Arabic music so could understand the lyrics
4. I have quite a few friends who speak it so can practice hehe (yeah I have more norwegian friends but let's face it, arabic is more useful and more intriguing)

I suck IV

Category: Me about me | 39 Comments | Posted 4:31

and I lie. (lie lied lied, not lie lay lain)

I hate myself but :-$ don't tell anyone! They're not gonna find out!!! :D

[edit 10hrs later] ok, slight correction: maybe I lie. [/edit]

Sunday June 20, 2004


Category: Randomness | 10 Comments | Posted 0:37

clarissa: I could write an entry but I have nothing to write about
daniel: you could write the lyrics to purple rain in an entry
clarissa: OK

I never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
I never meant 2 cause u any pain
I only wanted 2 one time see u laughing
I only wanted 2 see u laughing in the purple rain

Purple rain purple rain
Purple rain purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u bathing in the purple rain

I never wanted 2 be your weekend lover
I only wanted 2 be some kind of friend
Baby I could never steal u from another
It’s such a shame our friendship had 2 end

Purple rain purple rain
Purple rain purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u underneath the purple rain

Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing
It’s time we all reach out 4 something new
That means u 2
U say u want a leader
But u can’t seem 2 make up your mind
I think u better close it
And let me guide u 2 the purple rain

Purple rain purple rain
Purple rain purple rain
If you know what I’m singing about up here
C’mon raise your hand

Purple rain purple rain
I only want 2 see u, only want 2 see u
In the purple rain

OMG! A com(m)e(n)t!!

Category: Opinionated | 2 Comments | Posted 22:16

So what's the greater mystery? The incomprehensible infinity of the universe or the incomprehensible intricacies of the human mind?

Really the 2 remaining great mysteries of science are this. The universe... the brain. The incredible vastness... the tiny human skull. Which one is more pertinent to us? Which one more likely to be decoded? Does either really matter?

The universe reminds us that we are nothing. Vermin. Parasites on a planet that didn't really cater for us. A coincidence of evolution. Maybe even a mistake.

And then our minds, aaah... they tell us that we are everything. We are the centre of the universe. And we really are aren't we. How can we be anything else to ourselves but the centre? Because you see, I can be cynical and detached all I want - I am only ever able to see the world through my eyes. It's the only perspective I have. That is the centre of the world for me, whether I want it or not.

But I digress. Will we ever understand how the human mind works? What makes people act the way they do? Human psychology... conditioning and subconscious and behavioural patterns and whatnot. Even Freud's drives and id and ego etc. It's possibly all rubbish but definitely very interesting. And more immediately relevant to us than whether the universe will keep expanding or not.

But quite possbly understanding (thereby making it predictable) would make it all boring and uninteresting.


I dunno.

Right now I wouldn't mind understanding.



Category: The Web | 5 Comments | Posted 23:36

I just did a search for anorexia on Google and the topmost "sponsored link" was

Lose 30lbs Fast and Safe
High Protein, Low Carbohydrate
Natural, Fantastic Results - Aff

That's disturbing.
But funny too. :|

Tuesday June 22, 2004

Category: The Web | 4 Comments | Posted 1:40

How does Died Online work?
You login to the system every few days, or whatever time period you set it at. If you don't login within that certain amount of time, the system will email all of your friends with your custom "Hey, I'm dead now" message.

You all need to register there! :D

Where is home?

Category: Me about me | 2 Comments | Posted 18:36

Am currently reading a report about refugees in Germany and their experiences. People who say 'my parents got lost in the war, I have no idea how they are doing, but my life is here now, I can't imagine returning.' Also Refusal Shoes about the UK immigration service. Again, much about refugees and their more or less successful attempts at settling in a different country, often leaving everything behind with no chance of ever returning, ever seeing their families again.

I have chosen to move country and live apart from my family & friends, yet I have the choice of going back, of visiting or of phoning. I don't miss Luxembourg one bit, and the actual people I miss I can count on one hand (and with friends all around the world I am used to missing friends). Yet I am very grateful for the contact I still have and cannot imagine completely severing all ties.

Yesterday at work I was talking to Val (no not you Val, another Val). He's from Rouen (Normandy), he moved here because he came here with school once and he liked it. That kinda struck me as a bit of a flimsy reason for uprooting and moving to somewhere in a different country. But then again I thought, well what I've done is not really that different.

I definitely consider Brighton home. I have considered England my 'ideal' home for years (and Brighton the homeliest place within England). But this 'home' (the one I have chosen) has a counterpart which is the place I grew up in, with all its memories and its familiarity. Much as I dislike and despise Lux as a place to live, I cannot imagine my life without it, without this root or anchor that makes up part of who I am. ('you can take me out of Lux but you can't take Lux out of me' - it's so cliché it makes me puke, but there's sth to it)

As a kind of afterthought here's a song that has haunted me for years... making me feel excited and hopeful during my uni years when I imagined settling here eventually... then depressed and like a failure after I'd moved back and given up on the ideal... now proud or doubtful depending on my mood and the immediate circumstances.

I Wonder (Departure)

This park and these houses, old streets I have walked
Everything dear, will it be here
One day when I am returning?
My friends will get married, have children and homes
It sounds so nice, well-planned and wise
Never expecting surprises

I wonder, it's frightening
Leaving now, is that the right thing?
I wonder, it scares me
But who the the hell am I if I don't even try
I'm not a coward
Oh no, I'll be strong
One chance in a lifetime
Yes I will take it, it can't go wrong

My friends and my family, this dull little town
Buses I've missed, boys that I've kissed
Everything old and familiar

I wonder, it's frightening
Leaving now, is that the right thing?
I wonder, it scares me
But who the the hell am I if I don't even try
I'm not a coward
Oh no, I'll be strong
One chance in a lifetime
Yes I will take it...
Yes I will take it, it can't go wrong

*crawls out of bed*

Category: Life & Me | 26 Comments | Posted 22:09

It's never a good idea to sleep during the day. Well isn't really day but wasn't a good idea anyway. Takes sooooo long to come back to life. Might just return back to sleep soon.

I decided I needed a bookcase today. I went to Argos and basically bought the cheapest one they had (with the measurements I needed). I've never put together a bigger piece of crap. The holes for the screws were less than half the size they should be and when I forced (not an easy task with no electric screwdriver) the whole thing just fell to pieces. :)) Ah well it looks ok from the front now and it stands. Just about.

It's raining and I don't like rain. Another reason to return to bed. I've handed in my application for study leave today. I even told my mum about it and surprisingly she didn't bite my head off. She thinks learning Arabic is a very bad idea tho and that I should learn Spanish at least. 8-| What makes Spanish any more useful than Arabic? Esp. considering South America is doubtlessly the continent I am least interested in.

Um yeah. What an exciting life. (| Thursday I'm helping Daniel with his move (van rental! woo! :|) and Friday we're off to London (Alicia Keys! Woo! :D). The rest of the week (before the Pet®:x arrives) will be spent cleaning this place and working on the dissertation. No honest. Well one can hope.


PS I hate rain.

Wednesday June 23, 2004

Buhbye Germany!

Category: Randomness | 22 Comments | Posted 21:51


Hehe I'm such a bitch. :evil

Thursday June 24, 2004

I am a crap communicator

Category: Randomness | 10 Comments | Posted 20:00

On a professional level I mean. Well, I wouldn't say I am so terribly crap once I bring myself to do it, but I just hate doing it, in any possible form. I hate phoning people up, I hate writing letters, I hate emailing... all those damn formalities, how fucking pointless are they!? But I've found two new jobs to apply for. They both want great communicators. *lol*

Um yeah. Daniel's cancelled my Sky tho, hooray. He's a star. We also moved his stuff, which was kinda fun (driving vans rocks! I forgot to give this one a name tho), and his house is really rather cool. It hasn't got a name either tho. Well it's called the Old Post House, but that's a rather boring name. But yeah it's nice and big and fun.

We had storms here yesterday. West Pier collapsed some more, and here's a nice pic of the biiig waves at the Marina. I was inside all day yesterday and didn't notice much apart from my newly cleaned windows getting dirty again.

The End.

Saturday June 26, 2004


Category: Life & Me | 2 Comments | Posted 21:50

Ja so Citz is back from London where we enjoyed a fantastic concert by the amazing :x :x :x Alicia Keys :x :x :x - she is sooooo cute and lovely and perfect and adorable and I want one. LJ and I will buy her and keep her as a Pet. Seriously she is soooo adorable!!!!! :D And perfect! I want her eyes!! And she has a very droolable neck too! So yes. AliciaPet®. :D

Um apart from that I'd like to say Mel and Kat and Jenny and Kelly are lovely, I had a great time, but I don't like London. Hehe. Yeah but Alicia... =P~ (ahem :|)

The weather is shite. I hope it's gonna get better. I'm truly hating this. Monday is my last day at work. We're meant to go round Daniel's tonight but I can't see it happening. :)) Wednesday I will have a squiZZPet®! :x :x :x I was gonna get AliciaPet® and squiZZpet® to breed but my co-owner (of AliciaPet®) wasn't taken with the idea and squiZZ has very bad taste and finds Alicia "weird" - how dare he - so I guess it ain't gonna happen. :)) (yeah come and lock me up! I dare ya! I'm insane and proud of it!!)

Sunday June 27, 2004

Think local, act online

Category: The Web | 3 Comments | Posted 19:00

Due to my increasing boredom, I have been trying to find some new forum or other place to post and waste my time. But I can't really find anything I am dedicated enough about.

So now I've found the Brighton and Hove forums with such fascinating topics as traffic problems, uncollected rubbish, working at Asda (hehe), West Pier, more West Pier and so on. It's a bit like reading your local newspaper's letters page, which is always amusing. So yeah maybe I'll settle there. :))

Monday June 28, 2004

Less boring entry

Category: Mon & Lo updates | 6 Comments | Posted 0:41

Ja so here's another entry for Mon cuz she's finding my previous one boring (how dare she). And I'll try to add some links for Vega. So I can talk about my day maybe. I cleaned the lounge today. You do not want to know what it looked like behind my Mikey (PC). But now it's all clean and nice and pretty. (I didn't find the Pet®'s cam cradle tho.) I was gonna rearrange the furniture, but I couldn't find any other ways to put it so it's back the way it was. :| I have however put my wonderful Peace flag over our fake fireplace.

I started filling in the application form for the job I want, but got bored. I spoke on the phone to Kate (who was gonna come visit, but couldn't cuz no trains between Portsmouth and Brighton), and chatted on Yahoo to Marc (old friend from Lux, and only person I chat to in Luxembourgish, which is strange). He got annoyed when I told him to check my diary after he asked me what I'd been up to. I was gonna go for a walk around the cemetery (cuz was nice and sunny), but then Mon came on and we chatted instead, and then it was too late. :))

Ja, then surfed and chatted and surfed and chatted and so on, and now it's past midnight and time for bed. :-) Hope this wasn't too boring. ;))

AliciaPet® II

Category: Randomness | 4 Comments | Posted 12:03

The Mel has finally updated her site, so if you want a proper review of the concert (rather than the "OMG she's so cute" you got from BML Me and myself - ok LJ was actually a bit more detailed), ja anyway for a longer review check out Kookyjar! *muahahaha*

PS Brandy's new album out today!!!!! Go and buy now!!!!!


Category: Life & Me | 3 Comments | Posted 20:50

*muahahahaha* :evil :yay :D
How damn exciting is my life!? Why so I hear you ask?
Well listen to this...

1. I'm on holiday for a whole month!! Nevermind dissertations and moneylessness, let's rejoice in the fact that I will not be serving any annoying customers until August!
2. I've got an Asda discount card! :D 10% on everything except petrol (and cigarettes but well ja). How cool is that!? I have to keep working there just for that card. :))
3. It's still sunny! Dunno if and how long it's gonna last, but as long as it does it makes me smile. :-)
4. Less than two days and I will have a squiZZ! :x =P~ :x All to myself!! (and no intention of sharing! :evil)
5. I have a pizza in the oven (and 2 more in the freezer) and a glass of wine on my desk.
6. Brandy on Launch! (haven't got her new album yet, but will get tomorrow)

My life is complete. :D

Tuesday June 29, 2004

Whack your head with a hammer

Category: Life & Me | 10 Comments | Posted 18:45

You know... it feels so good when it ends.

I've had the most horrific start of a day. Woke up with a headache - one of them nasty ones that you just know you'll be stuck with all day. All the same I dragged myself to the recycling center, to uni (to do laundry) and even into town (to buy Afrodisiac). By the end I was feeling sick, dizzy and generally quite awful, so crawled back to bed of course.

But guess what? It's much better now, so even though I only feel "normal" really, compared to 3hrs ago I feel great! :D Hoovered the hall, the kitchen and my room, and now I'm listening to Brandy. :D Only the dishes need doing now and the flat will be impeccable. Woo! :D Aren't you happy for me? Knew it. :D

PS squiZZ:x

Wednesday June 30, 2004

I hate to gloat....

Category: Randomness | 7 Comments | Posted 18:25

but I have a squiZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:evil :evil :evil :evil :evil :evil :evil :evil :evil :evil :evil :evil :evil :evil :evil