Yeah so I should be packing... I am so incredibly lazy. It's quite late already and I have to be up by 9am tomorrow. Nightmare! OK so as everybody should know by now, I'm off to Bern tomorrow. Am also about to book my flights for London next week - next week damnit! How time flies! I will be going for nearly a full week, Thu-Tue, because of cheap flights and stuff - it will be Ryanair again , BA rates have gone up quite indecently since I last checked.

Anyway, that's very exciting too. Lovely Daniel will be putting up with us, I bet he'll regret it soon enough, but too late now. Then when I get back it will only be another 12 days until I'm off again (woohoo) to Oslo! My life is full of excitement. Damn that annoying Xmas business in between. I remembered earlier that my mum said last year we wouldn't be doing that same old crap again - the plan was to run off on holiday and use that as an excuse for not inviting the boring old women (my grandmothers that is)... but as things are now, we ain't going anywhere... I guess we could still pretend we're going on holiday, and tell them all about how exciting Malta was afterwards.

My mum had another go at me earlier for my lifestyle - everything I do is terrible apparently, mainly cuz I refuse to grow up and I'm bloody 26 and I can't pretend to be a kid anymore, so I have to finally act grown up and get a job and stop my obsessions and my Internet addiction and all that other stuff that makes up who I am, because she's a boring old cow so I should become one too apparently. Well that's what I said. I told her just because she has absolutely no interests in life doesn't mean it's a sign of immaturity if I do, but apparently that's not it at all, and then she started on that whole "you said you'd get a job and you've been doing nothing for 6 months now" thing again - she's also convinced I won't get a job in the UK and continue my journey into complete failure from here. Well what can I say to convince her? Nothing of course. Will have to live my life without any regard for her. Don't like her much anyway.

OK well that's it, Graham Norton is on now so will be off. I may update from Bern if I can be bothered, or if I miss y'all too much. But if not... see you Saturday my lovelies!!!!

*mumble mumble* Fucking hate getting up in the morning *mumble mumble* especially when late nights *mumble mumble* bloody cheerful people *mumble mumble* wanna sleeeeeeep!!!!

Swiss keyboards are funny things... we have swiss keyboards in Luxembourg too - well normal people have, cuz they have both German and French special characters. But they confuse me. So yes I'm in Bern... in case you're wondering where that is, check this. Fascinating uh?

Yeah so Suha's in bed cuz she's caught a bit of a bad cold (strangely reminiscent of my week-end with poor Craig) and has left me with my favourite toy, the computer. The Internet-connected computer. Tho I have to say, the idea of returning to bed myself is strangely tempting. I slept throughout the whole journey yesterday, then we had a nap in the afternoon, went to bed at midnight, I slept til 10... and now I could sleep again. Maybe there's something wrong with me.

It's cool here tho, they have two lovely cats, Jimmy and Simba - I'll try to take pics later. No snow tho. We were gonna take a trip into the mountains tomorrow, but they is quite expensive (or closed), and with Suha being ill it's probably not the best idea anyway. Maybe I'll just sleep. Hmmm sleeeep...

Yeah so here's a short entry written on the train (sorry for the handwriting, trains aren't easy to write on ok?!)..

And here's some more... yeah so I did finish Norwegian Wood. Interesting book, albeit a bit depressing... I did like Watanabe a lot tho. Strangely enough, he reminded me of Seb a lot. Lo doesn't agree tho. I liked the girls too. And also the atmosphere of the book, and the things they said. Just so sad that they almost all die. I mean, life isn't always like that, is it? (hehe, this was kinda like a private paragraph for lovely Lo. Could've told her in mail or PM, but this way the entry looks bigger, hehehe.)

OK so what else. Ah yes, my mum's gonna pay for my Lara's (muchly overdue) checkup as a Xmas present. Hooray. So no new Yumiko from her. I've kinda decided to just buy a new one anyway, who cares if I can't afford it. Will try to find one that's faster than my Yumiko - so no more Sony I guess?

OK I've run out of things to say now. I know there was sth else... but as I'm stupid, forgetful, useless and have a muddled brain, I dunno what it was. Maybe I should do a new layout for this thing. But am not allowed to use squiZZpics so don't really know what to put. (hehe, the near-obligatory squiZZmention was brought to you courtesy of the CitzObsession™. )

PS I've remembered what the other thing was: all the cool stuff I bought! Am quite chuffed about it. Will take a campic later. Maybe also proper pics if I can be bothered... I could keep editing this entry I guess?

OK so here are some pictures from Bern... and some of the stuff I bought in Bern... there's a blouse too, but it looks blue on the pics (when it's actually a wonderful green), so would be pointless to show.

Er what else... ah yes, had a look around for digicams, and found they are much cheaper these days than when I bought my Yumiko, so I'm all excited about getting a new toy now. I favour (not favor! (hidden squiZZmention)) the Canon Powershot S50 and will indeed probably get that. I shall have it delivered to Daniel's place so can start playing with it in Bton. Woohoo! So I guess I should be grateful to Jimmy for giving me an excuse to buy a new one... may still have Yumiko fixed and sell her on eBay, but she quite old now.

I was gonna write about how I'm all hyper, but I'm not anymore now, so I'll drop that I guess. Am still quite ok tho, not even too bored, but I guess that will change soon. The Internet sucks. Like, when I was at Suha's I couldn't resist and went online a few times, and I'd just be like . Not all the time, but as soon as there was no one to chat to or email, I was just bored bored bored. But I am still addicted tho!

Er anyway. I'm fine. Don't worry about me. *twitches and mumbles to self* Buhbye, I love you all (am still kinda hyper)! I really do tho. All my friends are wonderful. Would do shoutouts, but am lazy.

Before I left for Bern I came across this entry I wrote last February, after the Bashir documentary, and thought about posting it again as it seems strangely topical right now. Didn't get round to it, but now I've read this entry by Anne, I thought of it again so am posting it now.

We ain't nothing but mammals

Ever since the Living with Michael Jackson special there has been nothing but abuse and negativity towards MJ and his fans - in the press of course as I'm sure you've all read and seen, & in the general public too (e.g. I've been getting a lot more e-mails telling me to "get a life" and that MJ is a disgusting paedophile, and I've had to close my guest book because I was tired of deleting abusive entries).

I know we as fans should be used to this by now, but to be honest I'm not, and I don't understand and won't accept that it's so socially acceptable and even "normal" to hate on Michael Jackson & call him a freak or worse, a criminal, with NO arguments that will actually stand up against closer scrutiny. And it makes me very angry that we the fans, and generally the minority of people who do stand by him (be it friends or open-minded people, even some media people) have NO chance of educating the general public about the truth - because the truth is not what they're interested in! What they want is gossip, anomaly and something to get outraged about. What motivates them is jealousy, fear and ignorance.

They don't want to hear that MJ has a well documented skin disease called Vitiligo. What they want is the image of a psycho who's ashamed of his own race and wants to be white. They don't want to see a caring, loving man who's so remote from our own evil, violent and devious world that he can't see why it would be "weird and unacceptable" to spend his time with children. They want - indeed they can only imagine - a deranged man with sexual intentions. They do not WANT to learn the truth & expand their horizon - they deliberately choose to ignore the arguments they would need to move beyond their limited & selective knowledge.

There is no point in reasoning or arguing, and maybe that's what's most frustrating. Even if you do explain, illustrate, prove, exemplify why their conception of Michael Jackson is wrong, you will not succeed in convincing them because this is not what they want or expect. Such a representation of MJ simply does not function in their world, therefore whatever you say has to be deluded and misguided, however convincing it sounds.

This is not about Michael Jackson. It's about people, about our society, about the human race, and about what makes us tick. WHY the need to condemn, to crush, to destroy someone like MJ? Why this viciousness, the reckless cruelty with which the media (who only feed the expectations of the masses) tear apart a good person, someone with a big heart, and a vulnerable one at that - and above all, an amazing artist who should at least be recognized as that?!

Well the reason is in my headline I believe. We're animals. Our instincts tell us: the unknown is always dangerous. Whatever doesn't belong to our own little herd, village, nation, faith and so on, must be destroyed, because it is the enemy. It might come and slaughter my family tomorrow if I don't slaughter it now. Be that Communists, Muslims, homosexuals, Jews, Americans (if you're muslim fundamentalists), or quite simply eccentrics, they're all dangerous because they're different. Culture, civilisation, it's all just a thin layer unable to hide that underneath we're nothing but beasts. See, I find that easier to accept than the idea that people are stupid and vicious. Then again, I believe that too. I'm cynical like that. My cynicism too protects me.

-- End February entry. I still feel much the same. I'd like to add now that I still love him, trust him, believe in him. And I still despise people, I always will, and tbh I see nothing wrong with it as they suck. The human race has nothing to speak for itself, nothing at all. Morons all around. Maybe 5% of the world population are worthy of praise and admiration. Hehe, thank God quite a few of them happen to be my friends. I could never bear having moronic friends. Thus I end on a positive note. Somehow.

Why do people drive like complete morons when there's a full moon? And it's not even today, it's tomorrow, and already they're going crazy! Am definitely not going out of the house tomorrow! Stupid humans.

Aaargh also because my mum has decided - of course - that we do need to celebrate Christmas, and invite one of the old women - apparently the other one's too decrepit to go out the house, but one is bad enough. Fortunately Gaby has offered to do it at her place, so there will be more people, and kids to keep the gran occupied.

Oh, and aaaargh because people are so stupid! There are email petitions going around again (in support of MJ) - is there anything more idiotic than an email petition?! Send to everyone you know - yeah and then you'll get 100s of different lists with the same names over and over. How thick?!

OK, and wheeeee because I've just ordered a Canon Powershot S50 (along with a 256MB CompactFlash card and a cool USB 6 in 1 Memory Card reader (which can read my Yumiko's MemoryStick too so I can use that to store data ). Now if anyone can think of a good name for the cam, let me know. Should be female.

Hold me
Like the River Jordan
And I will then say to thee
You are my friend

Through our doubts
And frustrations
In my violence
In my turbulence
Through my fear
And my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise
Of another tomorrow
I’ll never let you part
For you’re always in my heart

I'm weird. Well that's what they tell me. Them ones that are "normal" (whatever that is) and some of those who aren't too. I definitely ain't "normal" (whatever that is), and I'm fine with that too. I dunno if listening to Will You Be There over and over and over makes me weirder still. I guess it does, in the eyes of the non-MJ-fan, or the "normal" person.

I also did a post about the squiZZsexiness® (twice cuz crashed) on the MJNI board, then deleted cuz felt slightly embarrassed about the extent of my obsession (and also cuz I was afraid some ppl might agree and grow obsessed too and I ain't prepared to share... with most  people)... so that makes me weird too right?

Yes that and other things. Ah but I did talk to my mum about things. Fuckedupness and stuff. Of course she doesn't get me, nor do I get her, but at least we had something to talk about, without shouting. Hehe, will go to bed now, with my CDplayer & my Dangerous CD - I'm weird like that, needing Michael Jackson to put me to sleep when I feel like this. But I can live with that too. As long as there's something.

Tomorrow I shall wake up listening to Michael Jackson. I live in a fantasy world. That's ok, I like the fantasy world much better than I like the real world. I'm glad I can carry my fantasy world around with me; I'll never feel lonely. (and I ain't being cynical about this, I really mean it.)

Indeed. I've been listening to WYBT for over 12hrs now. Actually I cheated, I switched it off at 10am and back on at 2pm cuz I couldn't fall asleep again. I did sleep with it from 4am to 8.30 tho. Anyway, here are some incoherent thoughts I wrote down this morning, after I'd woken up...

It's an experiment, started about 5hrs ago. I guess I'll hate the song by the end of this. WTF. I fell asleep to the sound of WYBT, I woke up by the sound of WYBT. It was weird the moment it changed from jumbled noise to a recognisable song. I woke up around the end of the "singing part" & "realised" what it was shortly before the spoken part.

When you listen to it on headphones, it's like he speaks directly inside your head. Kinda spooky. So, some 19hrs to go. Or however long my 2 sets of batteries will last me. I wouldn't mind listening to Who Is It now, but must go through with my experiment. *lol* OK back to sleep.

It's hard to fall asleep. No more random thoughts. Maybe the song is just too intense for background noise purposes. I just can't help actively listening to it, and moving along to the beat. It didn't affect my sleep and my dreams though. And WTF are the lyrics to the Beethoven part?

Oooh the perfection of his voice! And the amazingness of the lyrics! He's so open and vulnerable in this song, you feel so close to him. Is that why we all love it? God, how much I love him, despite everything. And how much I owe him too. Pretty much all of my life is MJ. I wonder if I will ever turn my back on him. Some fans become so overly critical and disgusted of him once they "overcome" their obsession. I wonder why. Does the MJ obsession represent something in them that they want to erase?

I wish I could remember how it was to first listen to WYBT, the way I do with Speechless. Then again I didn't know much English in 1991 so much of the magic and the genius was lost on me. I remember listening to Dangerous on the bus ride home from buying it in town, and how it felt familiar and comforting, but I doubt I got as far as WYBT then. So I have no idea what my "first time" was like. Nor do I remember when WYBT became my favourite song. It used to be Leave Me Alone.

It's weird how as a kid I used to think MJ was a puppet on a string - i.e. I didn't believe he wrote his own songs, I thought the credits were fake. I couldn't grasp the idea of so much genius I guess. *lol* Honest tho - this song is pure fucking perfection!

This song is like the hymn of MJ fandom (and so eerily premonition-ary before 1993). I always fall back on these lyrics for my banners / signatures / general fan declarations. Is it the fan song? And does he actually address it to us? Exclusively?

Isn't it interesting how the spoken part ends on an optimistic note - "in the promise of another tomorrow" - so what's wrong with today? What was wrong when he wrote it? Apart from the usual? And isn't it interesting now - when fans all seem to be moaning about how there's nothing happening, only negativity - is there still gonna be "another tomorrow? Or will we live in an perpetual yesterday? Not that I care. Someone who created a Dangerous album deserves eternal reverence even if he never creates anything again.

End incoherent thoughts. So I've done some research about the Beethoven part. It's about half way through the final movement (of the 9th symphony), and the lyrics are as follows:

Ihr stürzt nieder, Millionen?
Ahnest du den Schöpfer, Welt?
Such ihn überm Sternenzelt!
Über Sternen muß er wohnen.

I've found some translations online, I've combined the parts I like best from the different ones:

Do you come tumbling down, you millions?
Do you sense the creator, O world?
Seek Him above the firmament!
For he must dwell above the stars.

Right, will now get lunch (ahem, at 20 past 4), then amble down to the petrol station (yes that's right, I will walk!) to get an appointment for my Lara's check up, and to buy my Spiegel mag. All the while listening to WYBT.

Yes so I decided to go for 12hrs of Will-You-Be-There-listening instead of 24, because squiZZ found out that Dangerous was released exactly 12 years and 12 days ago (spooky uh?), so I decided that 12hrs would be rather excitingly fitting. Found it kinda hard to tear myself away from it tho, and am actually listening to it again now.

Yeah so I worked out I have listened to it about 95 times today (this is an approximation as I don't remember exactly for how long I'd switched it off in the morning - so they're probably not exactly 12hrs anyway). That's actually quite a lot. And no, I did not grow tired of it. Love that song, love love love love love!!!!!

PS btw for anyone who's interested, here's the full text of the Ode to Joy by Schiller in translation (the German version is incomplete but pointless anyway as most my readers aren't German).

I've just come across this. Written on the 30th of July of this year. I'd totally forgotten about it and I have to say, some of it makes no sense to me now, and I dunno what made me write it at that particular time (like, re-reading other entries from around that time), but  I generally feel much the same now.

It's in French and I can't be bothered to translate it, so only, like, 5 of my regular readers or so will be able to read it, but WTF.

Elle rentra tard, bien après minuit. Tout le monde à la maison était endormi. Elle monta les escaliers sur la pointe des pieds, écrasant une mite en passant. Elle était contente de ne rencontrer personne. Personne n’avait le droit de la déranger dans ce qu’elle considérait sa vie tout à fait privée - minable, médiocre au plus, mais une vie après tout.

Elle se demandait pourquoi elle essayait encore de les impressionner, C’était devenu un réflexe plutôt qu’un vrai désir. Elle avait tort de tant se soucier de l’opinion des autres. Elle le savait bien, et pourtant elle ne pouvait tout à fait l'ignorer. Après tout c’était les hommes qui faisaient d’elle un personnage: [...] un caractère qui ne se souciait point de ce qu’on disait d’elle. Un jour elle y arriverait.

(there is obviously a gap in that last part (where I put the [...]), and it makes no sense like this, and tho I could try to rewrite the whole 2nd part of that last paragraph, I've decided to keep it nonsensical, as I would be imposing too much of my current state of mind on the text.)

OK I was bored so rather than doing something useful, I translated that text from last night so my English-speaking readers can enjoy it too without relying on crappy Babelfish.

She got home late, long after midnight. Everyone at home was asleep. She tiptoed upstairs, crushing a moth on her way. She was glad she didn't meet anyone. No one had the right to interfere with what she considered her very own life - miserable as it was, mediocre at best, it was still a life.

She wondered why she was still trying to impress them. It had become a reflex rather than a real desire. It was wrong of her to worry so much about other people's opinions. She knew that, and still she couldn't completely ignore them. After all it was other people that made her a person. [...] a personality that did not worry about what they said about her. One day she would manage.

BTW the French text is very much inspired by Je Vole by Michel Sardou. I noticed some references last night, and just realised that there are even more than I thought. I'm such a sad copycat!

Indeed. Have been trying to work on a new layout, but the colour scheme doesn't look as good on the screen as it did in my head. And I'm lazy, oh so lazy. Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow I will also need to have a look at Friday Ad for flat-viewing appointments. And pack and tidy and all them things.

I did however finally go to my school today to get that sickness record I needed, it wasn't as scary as I'd feared (the unfriendly secretary was out tho), in fact it was rather cool as everyone was very cute and nice to me. Also returned key and car park card (and got €20 deposit back, woo!). And went to petrol station to book Lara appointment (so no, didn't go yesterday when said would). The wumman who took my appointment wrote "Yundai Cuppe"!

Am suddenly very tired. Think may bed. Was up until after 7 last night apparently, and back up by 1. So not enough sleep. And must get normal sleeping pattern again for Brighton. Nighty!

Yeah so went to bed around midnight to catch up on sleep. Woke up 2.30 and couldn't fall back asleep. Great.

Anyway. I've had the very clever thought tho (haha) to use the macro I have for smileys to also make abbreviations for some people I mention and link a lot. So *bml now automatically becomes BML Me, *squi becomes squiZZ and so on. That's pretty cool right?

And I will now finally work on that layout. I mean, finish it even. If I can be bothered that is. My mum thinks I should go see doctor cuz of cough, but am too lazy.

PS Weird discovery made while browsing my visitor stats... this board hotlinks to my "" smiley (and only that one). How unamusing! I don't wanna have to disable hotlinking. (I know it's just one damn 1KB smiley, but it's a matter of principle! I don't even know these people!)
Hm ok I know how they found me now.

PPS Weird discovery #2. My Cemetery Gallery is #1 result on Google for pictures of cemeteries - but only #8 for pictures cemeteries - even though Google says "of" is a very common word and was not included in your search.

PPPS "Necks" on Google

PPPPS My Cleo (cam) was shipped today!!!

Yeah so the other day I decided to read my entries from a year ago, and came across this thing which back then I had stolen from the venerable squiZZ... (his orig. here) so thought would be interesting to do it again exactly one year on. Which is now. The idea was to sound lots more positive and all, cuz last year sucked.

Unfortunately right now I'm not feeling so good. Well better now than was 1hr ago, but I don't think my replies will be representative of my general state of mind of these days/months, which has been rather positive. Anyway, will try to overcome the momentary depression and reply with more distance... fucking long intro, and no, I'm not procrastinating!

Some of the answers are the same as last year. Was gonna format them differently at first so readers would know straight away, but I am: lazy, so didn't!

I am not: alone.
I hurt: when you kick me.
I love: the wonderful people that are my friends. WYBT. Brighton.
I hate: kids, coffee, turkish delight. (LMAO)
I fear: I will never change.
I hope: it will be ok.
I regret: doing my MA.
I cry: rarely these days.
I care: about my friends.
I always: wear glasses.
I feel alone: rarely.
I listen: to WYBT over and over and over and never grow tired of it.
I hide: from reality.
I drive: the most wonderful car ever.
I sing: like shit.
I write: rubbish when drunk.
I breathe: it hurts so bad sometimes it's hard to....
I miss: MJ trips.
I search: for my keys a lot. *lol*
I learn: while reading.
I feel: muchly confuZZled right now.
I know: who matters.
I say: rash things when I'm drunk.
I crave: sunshine.
I succeed: when I really want to.
I fail: to become a better person.
I dream: day and night.
I wonder: about humanity.
I want: lots of money.
I worry: about anything and everything.
I wish: so many things.
I have: all I need, but not all I want.
I give: advice, even if none is wanted!
I fight: my laziness - not.
I wait: cuz I have no choice.
I need: my friends so bad.

Sooo because I happen to be kinda emotional at the moment, and because Xmas is near (lol), I would like to do very sentimental dedications. Very unlike me, so savour them. Will of course be alphabetical, except BML Me will be 1st and squiZZ be 2nd. (oh and they will only be ppl who actually read this thing, with one exception, but I'm sure someone will let them know). I hope I won't offend anyone by not mentioning them. I had my criteria, like "extreme momentary importance", "exceptional helpfulness", "outstanding coolness" or "long-time merits". They're also all people I have met or will soon met. With one exception, but maybe that's a sign.

BML Me I could never find the right words to express how much you mean to me, how much I love you, how much I depend on you, how much I need you in my life. I know things have sometimes been complicated recently, but I'm confident we'll get over all that and the future will be nothing but exciting. I cannot wait to live with you, to have you around me all the time, and to share every bit of my life with you!
Less than 5hrs till can squish btw!! And start a new life together!!

squiZZ Everyone and their dog knows I'm squiZZobsessed®, so no need to bring that up. But apart from pure gorgeousness, squiZZ is also an amazingly sweet and smart (albeit lazy) guy who has so much going for him that almost everyone forgives him his (occasional ) bouts of twatness. I must have spent less than 5 days not talking to squiZZ since he got back from Delaware. Is Citz in love with squiZZ? Who knows... (was that a rhetorical question? who knows) - whatever the case, Citz loves squiZZ. And is obsessed of course.

Craig is too good to be true (as I said in chat the other night). He's helped no end, I can't thank him enough for his patience, wisdom and advice. Sorry for being such a pain, and thanks SO much for (kinda) randomly deciding you wanted to meet me again this summer. You've been such an enrichment to my life! (Citz loves knowledgeable men. )

Daniel OMG what can I say. First off, sorry for being horrid to you for a while. That was so wrong. And then, well, wow. You're bloody fucking damn amazing. In a few years we'll all be selling our "I knew Daniel Gray" stories to Hello, and I hope they pay us well. In the meantime I shall be enjoying your incomparable friendship. Thanks so much for the trust you put in me, and for being there always when I'm in need. You have no idea how excited I am about having you around!!

Dee It may sound stupid, but we've been thru so much. We've had our common and our separate obsessions, we've laughed together and cried together. Thanks sooo much for letting me whinge and complain. Thanks for giving comfort, advice, or just listening when there was nothing to say. Expect to see me in Copenhagen some time soon!!! I am so glad you have found happiness!

Katja makes me feel all small and humble. Whenever she can muster up the energy to write something, I can do nothing but gaze, drool, and admire. I can only really see her as a successful writer - she's too good to fail. That is, if she's not too lazy. *hehe* But even if she is (lazy), she'll remain one of the coolest friends I've ever had. I feel very proud to know her.

Lo Citz loves Lo. There aren't many people with whom I've spent as much time as with you these past few months... I can't imagine being online without a Lo around anymore. I see myself in so much of you, but there's also so much I find intriguingly different. I hope you'll be around for a long time, sharing obsessions and other things. And I really really want to meet real life Lo one day!

Martine I don't think I can say how important you are to me, how much you've given me. Am very scared of being apart from you - I guess we'll have to live with high phone bills again. But I know our very special bond will survive this too, and that we can always count on each other. I don't have the slightest doubt that we'll still be ringing each other from our retirement homes at 80! Love you. Thanks for all the support & patience.

Michelle left Citzworld a while back, but should be mentioned here. Thanks for support & advice, days and days of chats, and long months of an intensely complicated, but worthwhile friendship. Friendships die, sometimes bitterly, but should be remembered dearly if they were worth it, even if only for part of the way.

Miriam @ all the things I owe wonderful Mir! Your support after my dad's death was invaluable, as was all the other advice you've given me. Thanks for putting up with my ramblings, my whingeings, my cluelessness... thanks for guiding me in the right direction. Also, thanks for your superb sense of humour, your gorgeousness (on cam and otherwise), and for our shared obsessions. Mr Burns!!!

Monica is a genius. Not much more to say really. Citz deeply reveres Mon. Could pick apart why I think she is a genius, but would kinda get too long. Citz can barely wait to meet Mon (and her lovely ET, hehe). But she should update more often!

Suha has proven to be a most amazing friend. I've had great times with her in Switzerland, and countless hours of wonderful girly chat on the phone. Weird how we clicked immediately, tho we didn't know each other that well at first. I'm glad I've found you, and I hope we'll have many more times together. You can always count on me! And we should visit Paris together soon!

Tobias Complicated at times, but always worth it. We've loved and hated each other, but I could not imagine my life without Tobias - his wisdom & knowledge (yes, they are 2 different things!), his advice & humour. The theological discussions, and even the shouting matches (ok, maybe not those). But where I would be without him today I cannot imagine. Thank you, and sorry for HMness!

Well here we go... it is now 7.40am, I am listening to WYBT for a change (have been for a few hours - for a change)... I have packed all my stuff, finally... I will have to leave in about 1hr. I'm kinda tired - no wonder, I've been up for almost 30hrs now. Should be fun to drive in the dark - thank God for the can of Red Bull I have in my Lara. And the fact it's slowly getting light outside.

I found my inflatable mattress. Took me a while. It's rather heavy. I didn't find the pump needed to inflate it. Doesn't matter as would have had no room in suitcase. I have a big suitcase. I'm talking incoherent rubbish. I was gonna say other things... ah yes, dyed my hair. And got a new toothbrush. What I didn't do is finish that new layout. Everyone hated anyway. And Running Up That Hill by Placebo is damn sexy, but not half as sexy as WYBT.

Will soon be in Brighton. With BML Me. And Daniel. Am incredibly excited. Haven't been in Brighton since last August. Love Brighton. Will now shut up, get dressed, and bugger off.

Quickie from Sussex Uni PC room!

I'm in Brighton and I'm LOVING it!!!! (not surprising really) Daniel is fab, BML Me is fab OF COURSE, everything is wonderful!

Er yeah that's pretty much it. Finally had some sleep last night. Did go out for a few drinks tho (hehe, Daniel had 5 drinks even! A record apparently. Aaah the influence of evil Citz & BML...) and had muchly fun.

Also have my Cleo now (you know, my new toy, the cam), she's fab too, tho a bit confusing cuz she has all these professional settings that I know nothing about (looks pleadingly @ Craig).

Um ok must dash now as am meeting BML in a minute to drive into Brighton for appointment at job agency (for her, not for me. What do I need a job for...). Don't do anything I wouldn't do, love you all, speak soon!

Yeeeeeaaaaaaah we have a flaaat!! A very lovely, extremely 70es, quite cheap, rather big flat near Brighton Marina.

Yeah so quick recap... spent all day yesterday looking at flats and houses, with the occasional visit to job agencies.... we saw about 5 places... there was this one house that we really loved, and were almost gonna get, but then we saw 2 more flats this morning and the final one was just too good to be true so now we're going for that one (tho it would have been cool to have a house, but the flat is just better value for money

Then after that we came back, bought alcohol on the way, and got absolutely plastered while watching Labyrinth (Jareth! Bulge! Eyebrows! Voodoo!) - fucking cool film, hehehehehe. Watched the final scene (stairs! Escher! Mephisto!) about 10 times.. er yeah. Also took photos of necks and other body parts, slobbered all over each other (a very drunk BML Me said nothing but "I wub the Citz, no but I wub the Citz!!" for about 1/2 hour), and talked (and did other things) on the phone to the squiZZ for a few hours (pissing him off with our extreme drunkenness and immaturity ). Um, then (the BML having sobered up a little in the meantime), Daniel and I pissed her off very much by alternately saying random things (samples: "naked women" - "naked men" - "naked mattress" - "naked Brian Molko" - "naked BML" - "naked Benilyn" - "naked Angelina") while she was desperately trying to get some sleep.

So today we're tired again. Not any more mature tho, but I think we'll skip the alcohol tonight as we have to be fit for the demo in London tomorrow. Fucking shite-crap-annoying weather btw!! Ok byeeee!

Yeah so as Lo brought to my attention that I'd posted this entry three times (bloody fecking Susx uni PCs logged me out twice, ate the entry... but somehow didn't eat after all), I thought I'd pop back in here and change that, also because BML Me & Daniel are watching Only Fools & Horses, which I'm not too keen on. Entry has slightly changed as the bottom one was the longest & best one.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to add that I am doing quite well on my quest to convert the whole world to Placebo - am getting there with Daniel (Molkolino! ) & he may acquire one of their albums. Shame the BML doesn't like them (esp. as she'll have to endure a lot of their music soon).

Yeah can you believe it's gonna be, like, 3 weeks until we actually move? How damn fucking exciting is that!!! A bit scary too of course (still not decided if I wanna rent a van or use a removal company, also lots of expenses and no job, and OMG before all of that I'm gonna have to PACK UP my entire room and put it into boxes and stuff!! )

There was sth else I'd forgotten to say in that earlier entry, but I can't remember what it was now. I can say however that it's very spooky to be at Sussex uni again, it's like going back in time! Sitting here in this PC room where I spent many a night before I got my own PC... going to the SU shop, walking the paths I know so well... even shutting Daniel's room door which is exactly the same that we used to have... a very weird experience full of wonderful old memories. I do love this place. And Daniel too, he's truly a gem.

Aye I think I'll leave you on that note. No update tomorrow as Lunnon. Am meeting Kate there too, very exciting (so no everyone, we're not going to the party. Well Daniel is). I hope we'll have better weather than this for the demo.

Still in Brighton, tho probably leaving tomorrow unfortunately. I need to get that stuff done for the flat (references and all), so I need to go home - unless I should get called for that interview, which is highly unlikely by now.

So yeah, yesterday we went to London as some of you may know, hehe, we got there a little late with the demo already on, but it was great fun. Well, I felt a bit inhibited at first I have to admit, maybe I just wasn't in the mood for chanting and stuff, anyway, soon enough RS78 wandered up to me and introduced herself, so I talked to her most of the time and we went to get food at Burger King, hehe. She's lovely, I'm glad I finally got to meet her (as we'd meant to in Nov. but couldn't in the end), and we had a great time. We went online to check up on Saddam news, and posted random stuff on various boards and blogs.

Um yeah by the time we got back most people had left, but we did meet a lot of funky people from the MJNI board still (for the 1st time I mean), eg Dave, Sez, Jenny, and some others which I can't remember. We went on to the party venue, then left Daniel there in the queue to meet with Kate (uni friend of mine) and her bf Derek.

Went to a pub and got very drunk, hehe, the usual ey. It was much fun tho - first with Kate (usual "so what you been up to"), then by ourselves planning flat-related things (more about that in due course), then we rang the squiZZ and - yet again - talked random drunken crap to him (ok sometimes it was less random, but I think mainly it was crap. As far as I can remember. Which isn't much). Yeah then we moved on to a different pub, kept drinking (rang squiZZ again), found out Dangerous was on the juke box, programmed WYBT twice, took a pic of the album cover, er, can't-remember-what-else-we-did-probably-more-random-crap-interspersed-with-lesbo-action.

Eventually Daniel arrived with some more people in tow (incl. Simi who's blocked me on MSN so I don't like him anymore ), anyway, we headed off to Victoria, left a lovely BML there all on her own cuz she didn't wanna come down to Brighton with us (waaaah ), er, got on a very crowded train and came home. HOME! Yes indeed it is almost home for me now!

Yeah that was yesterday. Today we paid the deposit on the flat, met up with Chris, did some shopping, came home, went online, went to Sainsbury's, went online (that's now). Then we'll go home, cook (well I won't), eat & get drunk, spend time with Ilenia, Daniel's wonderful flatmate, then go to his room, watch Labyrinth, get more drunk, and eventually go to bed. Such is the plan. Woohoo! BML and her "free calls to o2" phone being gone, the squiZZ will be left in peace for once.

Fucking hell that was a long entry.

OMG how lucky am I? Am a bit sad cuz have just left Daniel so I miss him, but am also very happy, hyper, excited & more. Seriously, I cannot believe my luck! Next month I will be living in my favourite place ever, in a very sexy flat, with the most important person in my life and another amazing friend in the same town (plus his lovely flatmate).. can it really be true? Three people who've met thru MJ suddenly ending up together in the same place.. isn't that the coolest? Isn't it incredibly fabulous? Well I certainly think so. I had such an amazing time with them, if next year is gonna be anything like this it's gonna be complete heaven!!

Writing this on my mbl on the train btw. Have left Bton about 20mins ago. Am a bit hungover (I promise we won't keep drinking like this next year, but this was a holiday!). We watched Labyrinth again last night, and subjected Ilenia (the lovely flatmate) to lots of MJ videos (she liked). We also took sexy photos and made sexy videos, and the prediction of no squiZZ-calling didn't come true. I actually called him from my Lux number after I'd run out of credit on the UK one. I really do need help. I hope I didn't say anything too embarrassing.. Reading some of the texts I sent I fear the worst.

The guys in the next seats are talking about pears. Did I mention I didn't get the Uni job? They don't know what they're missing out on. [later] Am on the next train & running late. Hope I can make the plane. I hope I can transfer this on my PC as I don't wanna type it all up again (I guess it isn't that long, just seems like it cuz typing on here is so annoying.)

OK I'm home now, I did manage to transfer it. Wonderful. Yeah I was gonna add some stuff... ah yeah, might as well tell you what I bought... um, 2 T-shirts, one saying "The Liver is evil, it must be punished" (hehe), and one (long sleeve) saying "You're just jealous 'cause the little voices talk to me" (like Sara has too)... um yes, they wonderful. Then I got the Labyrinth DVD (of course)... and bought Best of Bowie in TaxFree. And I got a Tomb Raider calendar. And a cam of course. I think that's it. So will go now. I have loads of pics, might show a selection at a later date.

- You remind me of the babe.
- What babe?
- The babe with the power!
- What power?
- The power of voodoo!
- Who do?
- You do!
- Do what?
- Remind me of the babe!

So I have found a new obsession. An alternative, as my main obsession still stands I'm afraid (then there's Brian of course). But that's not the point. The point is fantasy world, escapism... or immaturity, in the words of my mum. I don't tend to see that as something negative. She tells me to grow up, and that my refusal to do so is my doom, basically. I have noticed that my friends seem to be getting younger and younger... well, in relation to me (getting older). But... they're cool. Should I force myself to spend time with boring sods just cuz they're my age? Course not! I'd much rather go "naked Brian - naked Angelina" with someone I can relate to in my infantilism! FUCK expectations!

And I'm not even saying this in a sort of anarchic or rebel way. I'm not opposing anyone. I just wanna be myself, I wanna do what feels right for me. If I have a hell of a time cracking immature sexual jokes, who will keep me from doing it? If I wanna be misanthropic, I will be. And if I wanna be soppy and sentimental, I'll be that too! And if it seems that I'm changing my mind every few days or hours, well hell, I'll do that too. I just wanna live. FUCK expectations!!!!

I'm addicted to music. I could have gone to bed ages ago, but I can't tear myself away from my Placebo Covers album. Have done some work on my new layout tho. Not much else achieved today. Just bed and online and phone and bed and online and bit of chatting with my mum. Woo.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...

So I basically hated my new layout before I'd even started using it (am working on new one, but too lazy to finish it probably). I wanna watch television but I can't find my remote and I can't be bothered to look for it. Seriously tho, where the fuck is it? I want a remote that beeps when you whistle for it. Meh, then again I don't really wanna watch television anyway, I'd rather listen to WYBT. Inconsistency.

So MJ will be coming to the UK. On the 20th or after. Fair enough. Will I go? Maybe. Will I waste my precious money on the remote chance of a glimpse of the King of Pop? Quite possibly. Again, here, inconsistency. I change my mind every 2hrs. It really depends. Meh.

Yeah and then that damn flat. I mean FUCK letting agencies. So we had that wonderful flat. Because we will both be unemployed when we move in, we needed guarantors. Fine. So I filled in the fucking form. I called Jim the cute but fucking incompetent letting agent, told him there was no way he was gonna get references for my mum as we here in Lux didn't do references - he went like "that's a professional referencing agency, they will manage" and whatnot - but he never told me that she needed to be a fucking UK resident!!

So yeah. She's not - surprise! - so she can't be my guarantor. SO I freaked for a while. Then suddenly remembered he'd said we could pay 3 months rent in advance instead... so rang and asked, and was told that yes, that was an alternative, tho it was 6 months, not 3. I mean WTF you stupid bastards, what about bringing that up while I was moaning about how I would never find a guarantor in the UK? You'd obviously seen how much my mum earns, so not like you'd have to worry that we couldn't afford 6 months rent... you never said a fucking word!

Anyway. So he says he'll ask the landlord if that's ok. It better be cuz I'm ready to put up a fight. I got absolutely no support, and at the end of the day we're paying these people. I mean for crying out loud!! UGH. It pisses me off, honest. OK so we ask stupid questions, but hell, you're asking money for this service and so far it's been fucking shite. EVEN if Jim is cute!!

*breathes in, breathes out* WYBT does wonders. I am calm. Yeah that's it really. The future looks bright! And tomorrow I will finish my new layout!

WOOOOHOOOO! So I was bored, and surfing the Placebo website, and what do I come across but an announcement for 2 concerts in the UK in March!!!!! Sooo two tickets have been booked for the squiZZ and myself, London, 1st of March. That's damn fucking exciting if you ask me! Ooooh my Brian...

Just had a nice chatty girl dinner with two friends... both studying/studied psychology, so it was... interesting. I was psycho-analysed, picked apart, advised, comforted and kicked in the butt. We also discussed my mum and self-fulfilling prophecies... and other things. So yes, was interesting. Was also generally cool as not seen both at the same time for a while and we been friends for fucking ages (15yrs, damn I'm old) and, yeah, was nice.

I should be in bed now. Was up all last night again, well till 7, then 5hrs sleep, so need to catch up. Checked rates for van rentals today, they're expensive, I mean very... but I think probably still cheaper than if I drove back and forth twice with my Lara... well will work out exact price of that later and decide. Other than that, I'd like to say that I love Michael Jackson. And that I need to tidy my room. And that I get bored of my new layouts as soon as I finish them (been working on revival of this one), but Jar likes the current one so will keep for a while, also cuz lazy. Tho might change my mind again tomorrow cuz inconsistent.

PS the 6 top results for Michael Jackson and God are me or link to me.

Indeed.
To BML Me for utter adorability and need-her-so-bad!!
To squiZZ for cuteness cuteness cuteness almost too much to bear.
To Vega for being very very very cool.
No offence to the rest of ya. Is just about tonight really.

Yeah so am bored and too lazy to tidy room, so will do this quiz I stole from lovely Vega... also as you can see, old layout is back. All that hassle for nothing. MJ pics might get replaced with pics of squiZZpet® tho. Oh btw, sexy Daniel is coming to Placebo concert too!

last movie you saw on the big screen: um... Elephant?
last phone number you called: *checks redial thingy* ah my friend Viviane on my mobile... Val on landline.
last thing you watched on TV: Labyrinth.
last song you heard: right now, The Burning Heart, Hannibal OST.
last thing you had to drink: water.
last thing you ate: smoked salmon roll.
last time you showered: yesterday.
last time you cried: um... been a while. Don't remember tbh.
last time you smiled: few mins ago while chatting I s'pose. And everytime I think of 1st March.
last person you kissed: Claire
last thing you said: um... sth to my mum about guinea pigs.
last thing you smelled: consciously, incense stick @ Dani's last night (cinnamon, nice!)

Do you...
- smoke? no.
- do drugs? no.
- drink? yeah, far too much.
- have sex? no. I'm asexual
- sleep with stuffed animals? not really.
- have a crush? yes
- have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no.
- have a dream that keeps coming back? yeah, the flying one.
- play an instrument? no, unfortunately not.
- believe there is life on other planets? indeed.
- read the newspaper? sometimes when bored. Lux newspapers are shite. I read Der Spiegel every week (magazine).
- believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? dunno. depends on the people I suppose? I believe nothing is constant.
- consider yourself tolerant of others? Depends. I try to be tolerant, but I have my bouts of misanthropy.
- consider police a friend or foe? er... they kinda useful at times.
- like the taste of alcohol? Not all.
- believe in astrology? No, but I like reading horoscopes all the same.
- believe in magic? No.
- pray? No.
- go to church? No.
- have any secrets? Yes. Tho with almost all of my secrets, there's at least one person who knows, so they're not really secrets anymore I suppose.
- have any pets? Guinea pigs, tho not much longer. And horsey,
- go to or plan to go to college? Still registered at uni, but doesn't count.
- have any piercings? No but I really want a nose one.
- have any tattoos? No, cuz scared. Will one day tho, will!
- wish on stars? No.
- like your handwriting? Not really. Is mess.
- have any bad habits? Yes. *lol*
- believe in witches? Not really, tho I like witches.
- believe in Satan? I don't believe in him, but I'm obsessed with him.
- believe in ghosts? Depends on my mood, but usually no.
- have a second family? No. One is bad enough.

Dark, funny, disturbing, cute, intriguing, scary, surprising, fascinating.
Very cool Drew Barrymore character (and executive producer).
Good soundtrack too (not only Mad World).

I hate to say it, but it was. Been dragged out, and forced to talk to people I'd never met before, make annoying small talk even, but actually sorta enjoyed myself. Did leave early and all, should not have too much of this in one go... but yes, I had a nice 2hrs. (but I think I was just lucky in that the people I met were nice and kinda interesting... might as well have hated them).

Was discussing misanthropy with Craig earlier... being a misanthropist means you're arrogant & elitist right? Cuz you think you're superior to the average guy out there, right? I guess I do. No I really do. I don't consider myself exceptionally smart, but certainly above average. And the average person out there is a moron. Yeah but some people are ok. Some of those ok people I had the chance of meeting tonight. So tonight was cool. (lol)

Is an Oedipus Complex something typically male? Hm, seems that interpretations differ. Anyway, I think I'm unusually focused on my mother. I get sooo worked up whenever I talk about her opinions of me, and it seems that a lot of my entries are about how much she annoys me, and how little we can relate to each other, when I just shouldn't care according to what I try to make myself and others believe. So yeah, surely that's unhealthy.

I've also told the squiZZpet® that I will marry him if he so desires. Ain't backing down this time either (well there's a small technical detail that needs to be fulfilled/solved). I decided while replying to long mail from a friend going (among other stuff) "wtf are you doing, are you mad, you're not serious right" and it just made me go " well if that's how you see it I'll show you what I can do." Sensible people are so damn boring.

I found a Xmas mail (on my Hotmail account) today from a friend, Mario, the first online guy I ever met up with (6 years ago) - was quite spooky. Chatted to him for a while on Yahoo. I've come such a long way since then, meeting-online-people-wise (and otherwise too). Scary.

Anyway. Bedtime.

I love the guy but I fucking hate his fans. Well most of them anyway.

is a fucking incredibly amazing song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS I love him soooo much!!!!!!!!

Yeah so with nothing better to do, here's the Citz's Xmas video...

- Real Media (1.16MB)
- Windows Media (955KB)

Right so I've finally tidied my room & thought I'd show you before & after videos. *hehe* OK now I'm warning you beforehand, the messy version is very messy & might be distressing to watch for some of you. BML Me, don't watch it or you won't wanna move in with me anymore! The tidy version ends on a view out the window to see the snow... weee!

(kinda shitty quality as always... hm. Is less dark when unencoded. Ok, the Windows Media versions are better quality - but bigger of course.)

- Messy Room (Real Media, 354KB)
- Tidy Room (Real Media, 345KB)
- Messy Room (Windows Media, 485KB)
- Tidy Room (Windows Media, 473KB)

Well that hasn't happened to me in a LONG time - I've actually got stuff done today! Not only did I tidy my room (see below), but I also updated my boring Fanlisting (dead), reorganised my mp3 CDs, updated & uploaded my mp3 list (I have around 2600, hehe) and cleaned up my files on the PC. I'm now running AdAware (woohoo, only 1 component found! I'm good, hehe) and in a minute I will burn a DVD with lots of rubbish. Oh and I took a picture of the snow [dead].

It's Christmas Eve, everything's dead online of course cuz people are supposed to be celebrating... I'm done reading the diaries of my friends, still bored, so I've decided to do some random surfing starting from squiZZexits and Gigapxl. I shall share my amazing discoveries with you... for instance that Chris has the most amazing eye colour and generally quite cute (but of course gay). He also likes My So-Called Life (Kal, you should check him out - tho he's taken).

His boyfriend Joe went to see Placebo (twice), but I'm not jealous cuz I'll see them again too. Weird how all these people have Livejournals and seem to live near each other. My real life friends ain't that cool (guess that's why I have so many online ones, hehe). Oh and btw, MT have announced Movable Type 3.0. I'm quite excited about the changes in the comments feature. Woohoo!

Babsie got a really rather horrid necklace for Xmas (mehe, I hope she won't see me on her referrers and come here & read this ). Lucia's necklace is nicer. Her site has an annoying full screen popup, but her layout features some cool people, e.g. MJ & JJ, Angelina, Winona (and also Johnny Depp, hehe). Lissy has an MJ poll on her site. No idea why, but most people think he's guilty.

OK bored now. May try to be creative today. I've actually read my cam's manual - finally - but already forgotten half of it again. Check out the Xmas present I got from my mum. (hehe ok, plus a rather expensive Lara checkup incl. 2 new tyres...). Byeee!

I got lovely Slave pics from even lovelier Lo & her rat!!!

Xmas Eve was cool - who would've thought. Had my beloved pizza, had smoked salmon, had champagne (lots of it), had my time online, had my mum annoyed by texting over dinner, and had ownage pics from lovely Lo!

Went for WinterWonderWalk with mum earlier, was very pretty. Took snow pics, but are boring. Snow is snow is snow. Also packed my books and rearranged my CDs - so yes, I'm starting to get ready to move. Got a phonecall from wubbly Craig as well (he said he'd be online too but not so far ). Ooooh and I FINALLY managed to fix my printer!!!! Yup.

Yeah so was all done up and bored and stuff so video entry saying absolutely nothing.

- Real Media (599KB)
- Windows Media (863KB)

OMG!!!

He can even make love seem appealing. (Well almost)

Yeah so there's all sorts of stuff, but nothing in particular. I'm still Robbie-crazy, as there seems to be SO much of him on E4 these days... right now I'm watching (and recording) the very concert I attended in Cologne in 2001 - very exciting!! Was a fucking great performance! Robbie tape and DVD shall be taken to Norway to drool over in female unison.

Yeah so one day and a bit until Oslo. I did some more packing today - for Brighton, not for Oslo. Things are taking shape. Didn't do much else, just the usual tellywatching and onlinesurfing. Most of the shows that were on today I'd seen before , except one Simpsons episode (quite funny so that made up for the rest).

Hum yeah. So MJ is giving an interview on CBS on Sunday, and they've rescheduled their Number Ones Special, the fickle sods. I mean it's good, but it's so sad too. As soon as the mood changes, the media jumps on the fucking bandwagon. Am looking forward to the Interview tho - not that I'll be seeing it until I get back. I hope he won't talk rubbish and compromise himself.

OK thassit. Bored of updating now. Back to drooling at Robbie.

Ok this is an entry that may never see the light of day... one that has been brewing inside me for ages, but more as a diffuse feeling than as something to be put into words. It is something I've mentioned, alluded to on a few occasions, so I think it is quite clear how I feel about it, yet I've never expressed my feelings about the subject in full depth - and maybe that's quite simply impossible. But I shall try anyway - not in order to achieve something, but simply because... I don't know... it's so much part of me that I feel I need to express it.

So the Holocaust. Why is it so acute in my mind? I believe there is no subject I have read more about than the Holocaust. Gruesome as it sounds, I have grown up with the Holocaust - mainly due to my grand-parents, for whom the horrors of the Nazis were ever present, even 40 years on. That explains, I believe, why my 'reconciliation' with the German people happened so very late and is still incomplete (a fact for which I'm still getting some slack from my German friends).

I have read innumerable books about the subject. The first must have been Judith Kerr's When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit and its follow-ups (I must have been less than 10yrs old at the time)... then there was Anne Frank, read at least 5 times (that's a lot for me) - Anne Frank was my best friend, I grew up with and through her. Have read books about her too (e.g. by Miep Gies). And Joseph Joffo's A Bag of Marbles (which we did at school)... to name but a few (i.e. those that remained most vivid in my mind).

Then as I became older I became more interested in the historical (and less anecdotal) point of view. I read Kazimierz Moczarski Conversations with an Executioner (Moczarski shared a prison cell with Jürgen Stroop, responsible for the Warsaw Ghetto during its uprising), as well as Marcel Reich-Ranicki's autobiography (he was in the ghetto too) and (recently) Szpilman's The Pianist. And of course D.J. Goldhagen's Hitler's Willing Executionieers (not that I agree with all of that).

Long intro to say what. To say that after all this, having been confronted with this indescribable horror all my life from early childhood, I still cannot grasp or understand it. And I mean this in a sense of... it throws me every single fucking time, to the point of making me want to cry, or alternatively throw up. I remember I tried to watch Schindler's List with the girls in my 2nd year and I had to leave cuz I couldn't take it, not this, not in company. I went to see La Vita E Bella on my own cuz I knew I couldn't stand having someone next to me while watching it.

It's so unbelievable, yet it's so real. This ACTUALLY happened, much as we would like to fictionalise it. Millions of people were exterminated, for what? For nothing! We can look for (and find) historical explanations - underlying and open antisemitism, the promises Hitler made (and partly kept), most people's convenient habit of looking away while looking after themselves... it still does not make the reality of the Holocaust any more acceptable. And that's not even the word.

There are no words to describe the Holocaust. Never was there a greater horror than this. Why? Because it was planned cold-heartedly, not executed in the heat of the moment, in a rage of revenge or personal hate (as many other exterminations, eg between Tutsi & Hutu, or Palestinians & Israelis). A whole damn nation followed a deranged dictator on his insane quest - and they're still not done purging their country, over 50 years on. I will never, ever understand it - and I'm not even blaming the Germans for being particularly prone to such a temptations (tho I still can't help feeling that they are more so than others) - but I see it more as proof of the despicable nature of all of humanity - how could I not despair after something like that?

How, HOW could it have happened? Millions killed, families torn apart, people stripped of their possessions, left to flee or starve to death... and finally sent to certain extinction by people who never gave this a 2nd thought - the stoicism with which the Jewish people seem to have in most cases accepted their fate amazes me. All these people who've lost their whole families (I've just read an interview with the pianist Alice Sommer) in this cruel, pointless mass murder, but who can still see the good in life. How do they do it?? How come they don't succumb to cynicism and indifference? I don't know. Maybe it's preposterous of me who has not directly suffered to make such a fuss about the topic, but it's how I feel. Maybe cuz I hate humanity anyway. But how could you not.

If I was forced to draw a conclusion from this for our current times, it would be that antisemitism (please spare me the stuff about how semites include Arabs too etc - you know what I mean) is still around us, as ever, in the usual "this guy duped me, and guess what, he's a Jew, so it's not surprising" fashion - and how much that - again - proves my point about the despicable stupidity of humanity. I think most people reading this blog know of my position towards Israel and their treatment of Palestinians - I'm as anti-zionist as you can get - but fuck me, I will never EVER accept antisemitism - discrimination based on nothing but ignorance, convenience and selfishness (much like any discrimination ey). Oh how it outrages me.

Ah I think I need to create a new Blog category called "Misanthropy".

I have decided to wear a dress for NY's Eve after all. Those who wanna know what it looks like, click here... those who don't - don't! Must start packing now.

...pretty much. For Oslo you know (for anyone who's living behind the moon or sth). That's where I'm going tomorrow. That's quite cool you know. I will be meeting the lovely Mir & Mon, for the first time ever! And I will be seeing me squiZZpet® again, for the 5th time ever!

Yeah so am pretty much packed, tho I'm only leaving at 1pm so I have more time for that tomorrow... I think I have everything tho... I hope I do. I'm hopeless with things like that. It's raining. I don't like the rain. I got a cheap hotel room on the 3rd tho so I don't need to drive home from Hahn in the dark... and they have free broadband Internet access! Er ok, will be off now. Have a lovely time without me everyone!