D I A R Y
- December 2002 -
:: 28Dec02 00:10 :: BYEEEE :: OK so I'm not gone yet, but I don't think I'll be updating tomorrow (well, later today) so this is my good-bye entry. Um, for those of you who've been in a deep, deep sleep - I'm off to Glasgow to visit Me BML (Mine! :evil ©), I'll be back in the New Year (well on the 1st of Jan late at night *g*). I'll be having lots of fun, I hope all of you will too, even tho you don't have the privilege of owning a BML (Mine! :evil ©). Speak soon :)
:: 26Dec02 23:35 :: MEEHEEHEE :: Well, Clarissa is back among the living, today was an okay day even - despite this crappy depressing weather. I've done some tidying up (tho not enough), and some preparations (by far not all) regarding my departure to Glasgow the day after tomorrow (!!!). I've also had some fun online, oh and I've changed my 404 (page not found) and 403 (forbidden) pages.... I like them muchly, tho the 404 one was stolen (shame on me) from here. It sorta reminded me of Marvin from the Hitchhiker's Guide, so I added a back link in the shape of a (Babel)fish. *g* I'm such an adorable little geek :D
:: 25Dec02 23:15 :: SHUDDER :: Wow. Well today was spent in bed with my old pal Hangover from Hell. *lol* Never touching alcohol again (yeah yeah I know). Oh God. *lol* I was still feeling sick at 6.00pm. Am not quite right even now. Ah well, 'twas the only way to make it bearable. First a lot of crying in the bathroom, then accused my mum of abandoning me like my dad did (cuz she smokes like he did), then my aunt and my mum had a fight so my aunt left, then me & my mum & my nan had a fight, then after my nan had left my mum and I did a lot of tearful talking until 3.30 or sth like that... all about missing my dad and feeling like we don't get on and whatnot. So as I'd said, we had a lot of fun. LMAO. True "lonely hearts get together" (we were all single women - widowed, divorced or, well, me). Next year we'll do it differently. Or at least I will, don't care what my mum does. *g*
:: 24Dec02 20:45 :: MISSING :: My therapist was right. This is hell. It's so much worse than I thought, I miss him all the time. As soon as I have a moment where I'm not wrapped up in conversation my thoughts inevitably turn to him. He's everywhere, and the lack of him is cutting deep.
Everyday life with the beloved person missing becomes easier once you get used to it. You get a lot of practice soon enough because everyday life is everyday. But these special occasions bring it all back, the pain cuts as if he'd died only a week ago, when it's been almost 7 months.
But thinking about it, the pain comes back on a regular basis whatever the circumstances. Every few days or so, every week, after a short period of successful repression it returns, you break down and start crying helplessly, and you're convinced you can't take this any longer, and you wonder how you shall overcome this, and how other people do (for they do).
Then it gets better, it stops, you pull yourself together, you feel that probably you can go on living after all, and you continue in your careful path, taking one day at a time, learning, still learning to live with it. But what remains is - missing. Missing all the time, with every breath I take, every decision I make without him and every experience I would so like to share with him. Missing so so much.
:: 24Dec02 18:30 :: CHRISTMAS FOR ME :: Well it's about to start, I'm supposed to pick up my gran in about 20 mins, so gotta get ready soon. We're having dinner with both my grannies (mum's mum & father's mum - stepdad's mum can't even get out of bed anymore) and my aunt. *puts on cheerful voice* We're gonna have SO much fun! Not. I dread these events, I always have done, I hate that they're so forced, so inevitable. Plus obviously this is the first one without my dad (who made things funny at least & I could bitch with him), so it's gonna be even worse. My (ex-)therapist said you should try to do all those rituals differently the first year, but of course my mum knew better - and now she regrets it and feels awful & morose.
Ah well. I got my present from Katja & Tobias this morning, made me very happy again. They always, without fail, find something which I really like & enjoy (a book by/about Rudolf Augstein and one about my goddess Angelina this time) - makes me feel very bad cuz I usually can't think of anything to buy for them, so I ask them what they want - so they don't get that wonderful surprise effect. I always look forward to the presents I get from them (and they're the only friends I have this "present" tradition with anyway).
Anyway, gotta go now. Tomorrow will be a quiet day. Hopefully half spent in bed and half re-organising my books (that's the plan), with a visit to my darling horsey if it doesn't rain. Why no snow? Snow is better than rain.
:: 24Dec02 00:40 :: UGH :: Wow, I've just spent ages discussing religion on MJNI (if you wanna read the thread in question, it will be here for the next fortnight or so). Anyway, as a result I am on this Christianity hate-trip again. It comes over me every once in a while. Here is the post where I expressed my disgust:
[[[... and every once in a while COP reads and feels sick, SICK of the hypocrisy, SICK of the abuse of power, the maliciousness of Christianity over the Millennia, and all the BAD that has come of it. SICK of the way other religions these days are being demonized by those in the Western world who believe they hold the truth, and sick of those poor souls who go on believing after all that has happened, all the children that have suffered, all the innocents that were burned, crucified, drowned, abused, raped and abandoned in the name of a God or using a God to excuse their repugnant acts) . SICK of those who DIE, DIE starving in Africa because the HEAD of the Catholics preaches that condoms are of the devil, while he sits in Rome, barely able to walk, with his high dignitaries holding on to him and to power. SICK SICK SICK.
Please excuse me while I go and throw up. ]]]
If you wanna know the context, and my replies to people after that, you'll have to click the thread and read most of it (which should take you an hour or two. *lol* Guess that will put off most of you). No doubt I will never ever start to believe. Never. No doubt. Ever.
:: 23Dec02 03:40 :: SHAKING HEAD :: I'm a bit stupid, me. When will I ever learn not to stay up so darn late? What do I gain from it? Nothing! And it's cold too. Anyway, I've actually done the Arabians Fanlisting, am quite pleased with it too. Let's only hope no one else has come up with the idea and will apply to TheFanlistings before I get round to it (they're on hiatus).
OK, so shall I go to bed now? I'm not really tired, but I can't stay here all night now can I. I mean I could, but there's stuff I need to do during the daytime, so I can't sleep all day tomorrow. And I'm really quite unbearable when I haven't had enough sleep. I've brushed my teeth about 2hrs ago. Why didn't I go to bed then? Don't answer that. God, almost Christmas now. *ugh* But only 5 days till I visit Me BML!!! :D :D :D Fascinating how I don't make any sense when I talk to myself like that.
:: 22Dec02 21:56 :: OTHER THAN THAT... :: Thought I'd add a proper diary entry to the video one. Another not very productive day... well I did fix my TV card (um, reinstalled the drivers. That's all). If anyone knows how to connect your VCR to a Hauppauge WinTV card, let me know. I tried with a connector type thing from my old videocam, but that didn't work.
Also cleaned out some of my guinea pigs' mess. My mum nearly had a heart attack cuz they'd peed and crapped all over the carpet again - they're 10 times worse than my old ones, I dunno why. Maybe we feed them too much. They're cute though.
OK that's it, update-wise. I'm slightly boring these days I know (even more so than usual I guess). Have yet to go Xmas shopping. Not that I really do any of that, but there are a few things I wanna buy for a few people. If anyone wants to come & tidy up my room for me, please leave a comment with the date & time. I pay well.
:: 22Dec02 21:36 :: LONG TIME NO :: video entry. Click to stream, right-click to download (114KB). It's sorta pointless btw. *g*
:: 20Dec02 22:36 :: SO NOW... :: I should be doing sth on the site. Or maybe start a new one. Like a bigger & better Pics of Places, or an Arabian Horse Fanlisting. I could be doing so much stuff. I could be updating this place more often to start with. But I am soooo lazy. Why is that? Wish I could remedy it. But I can't so I won't fight it. Means in clear I'm off to bed now to read some more Sartre. At least I can say I'm doing something intellectual. And everybody knows the Internet is bad for you anyway. I wanna live some place where the sun always shines.
:: 19Dec02 10:20 :: HOW ANNOYING :: I'm so tired, so very tired, but I can't sleep. I got home late and had to be up early, plus I woke up 3 times at night, so I musta got about 4hrs' sleep. Was so tired I felt sick, so I went back to bed after our pointless meeting... and couldn't sleep. My mum says it's the upcoming full moon. I don't know what it is, but it had better stop! *grrr* And I have stomach cramps too! *boohoo*
Anyway. Dinner was good - lots of teachers there, including some retired ones that I hadn't met since my return from uni. My totally favourite teacher ever (Latin), he was happy to see me. My English teacher of 3yrs didn't remember me tho, very frustrating. He used to strongly dislike me cuz I kept annoying him... so I thought at least he'd remember me for that, but nothing. *pfft* Ah well. We did have fun tho, I was sat with the other young 'uns and as far as we could tell, our table was the loudest. *hehe* It was all very civilised tho, we just laughed a lot. Glad I went. Not happy I had to get up so early tho. *moan sigh whinge* I want my bed sooo bad!
:: 18Dec02 14:20 :: MEMORIES :: They're a strange thing. They make up your life, right? Everything up to the present. And they're so... I dunno, vague and yet so clear. Blurred, yet they leave such a strong impression. The other night while I was bored & nostalgic, I walked through Brighton in my head... it's SO weird, it's ALL there, I see it all in front of my inner eye... yet I know that there are many details missing. I could describe it only roughly, the exact position and colours of most of the houses etc isn't there... but the general impression to my mind is that of a perfect reproduction of the city. What's the little trick your mind plays on you to make you believe that the image is complete? Imagine watching a film where half of the scenery was blurred and undefinable - you would find it disturbing, right? Yet the film in your own mind is just that. I wonder if people with photographic memory really see all the details too. Must be cool.
The other thing about memories, my memories at least, is that they're made up of all these wonderful things that I can't have. I miss Brighton SO much, I miss the whole of England so much! Whenever I see something about England, all I can think of is "it's gone it's gone, never to return, it's all in the past" and it depresses me. I don't hate my life here, after all Luxembourg is my home. But England was where I felt totally right, where I felt I belonged. My 'role' in Luxembourg is to scandalise others, to be different, simply because I don't feel I fit in (altho I may be more 'Luxembourgish' than I'll admit). In England I never had that urge. I was myself, and I was accepted as just that, and I felt comfortable with that. If people here stopped finding me odd I would feel there's something wrong. But someone's gotta do it right? Showing Luxembourgers that there are many different sorts of people?! *g*
:: 16Dec02 21:20 :: YAWN :: I wonder if there's something wrong with me, I spend so much time sleeping! My mum woke me up earlier and said "you wouldn't care if you were paralysed, you spend all day in bed anyway." Sorta true. I wonder if it is the result of many years of lazy studentship. Will I ever get used to a normal 9-5 type job again? Not that I'll ever have a true 9-5 job, but it will get bad enough in January when I have courses every afternoon & won't be able to go back to bed when I come home from school. *g*
Tomorrow is the last day at school before the Xmas holidays. Then we have some meetings on Thursday and that's it. Yay! 2.5 weeks of holidays :D And in 12 days (!) I will be in Glasgow with Me BML. I should put up a countdown somewhere on the page, hehehe.
Um anyway, I have nothing else to tell so I think I'll just be off to bed again. *heeheehee*
:: 15Dec02 18:50 :: GOOD GENES BAD GENES :: I've just seen my (half-)brother on telly. He was being interviewed about being 23 and homeless. I only caught the end of it, but it will be repeated later.
Such is my family. I've finished reading Follett's The Third Twin, which is about the impact of genes on a person's behaviour. And those are my genes. My father's a creep, a megalo- & mythomanic psychopath with no grip on life. A man with a very high IQ, but a complete failure. And my brother, 23 and on the dole. Mythomanic and no grip on life (history repeats itself). Unable or unwilling to find or keep down a job, but not clever enough (like our father) to talk other people into supporting him. Then there's my other brother... too young to tell, but the signs are there. And scary.
And you see, I would be lying if I pretended that there is nothing of my father within me. I know, I feel the similarities (I might have mentioned this before?). I can feel the genes. But I have a different side, which I have been taught, which has been instilled into me (believe me, teaching me to be responsible with money was a struggle), and that's what has made me what I am. That's what has prevented me from landing in the gutter, and given me jobs & security instead. And on top of that, I have awareness, in seeing the bad example of my father, and recognising that this could be me, and fighting it. I know I do not want this. It means I have to renounce certain things - I don't aim high, I'd never try to start a business or take professional risks. I've chosen a job that will give me the structure I need. I'd never trust myself to organise my own work life.
But I do wonder sometimes how thin the layer of "civilisation" is, and if sooner or later the genes will break through. I only need to find out that I'll get away with it and I'll be too weak to resist. Or, well, that's what I'm afraid of at any rate. But I certainly have no pity for my brother. Weird that, it's quite unlike me to not feel compassion for the losers in our society. But he chose this deliberately. I know he could've taken a different path, for I did, so why should I feel sorry for him? All he ever did was lie, to me, my friends and my nan. I feel only contempt. Same for my father. There is nothing but hate and contempt. Why couldn't he die? No one would have missed him. Why did the good dad have to die? It's so freaking unfair.
:: 14Dec02 22:50 :: SONGS OF EXPERIENCE :: It's weird how you grow older without really noticing. Meaning, it's not sth abrupt, like telling yourself after some experience or other "OMG how this has matured me".. it's more of a retrospective thing. You compare yourself (your self!) with the way you were a few years earlier and you realise that you have changed, that you've become wiser. But there's a certain age where you find yourself very grown up and mature - obviously, you try to behave as grown up as you can - and you can't accept if someone older looks down on you.
I remember the way I felt when I was a teenager, and I see it again now with my students at school (who are 16-19) and also with (forgive me) Daniel. Back when I was 18, I didn't think someone 10 years older could be that much wiser than me - I mean, I was legally an adult wasn't I? But I see now how all the experiences I've had since then have shaped me, and made me a very different person.
Obviously you never stop changing and learning. Life shapes you with whatever it brings your way (tho of course there are many 15yr-olds who are much more experienced than others twice their age). But there is an age where you don't realise that, because you're all too eager to grow up and you think that it's a process that one day will be finished & you'll be able to say "there, now I am an adult too and you can't patronise me any longer, even if you're 20yrs older than me." LOL I can imagine how hard it is for a teenager to accept that sorta talk ("you'll know better when you are my age"), but there's no avoiding it, it's true. Guess that too makes interaction between the different generations sorta difficult. *g* Ah well.
:: 14Dec02 22:20 :: SONGS OF BITTERNESS ::
- Guns'N'Roses - Estranged
- Cranberries - Ridiculous Thoughts
- Cranberries - Loud And Clear
- Annie Lennox - Why
Interesting. Two of those songs are about the same person, generally known as Robert the Bastard. The only betrayal that really hurt me and that I never really got over. Long time friend, or so I thought. Treated me like crap all along (so it was because he was insecure and a spoilt immature little shit, what does it matter?). The fact that he's now lonely, a failure (and he knows it) with no perspectives and he probably hates himself gives me a little satisfaction, but there is still bitterness left.
Ridiculous Thoughts is related to those events, but is about someone else who betrayed me at that time. It's all good now tho. Our friendship remains and nothing happening back then really matters anymore.
Loud and Clear was in 1999... in Munich, after the MJ & Friends concert, but that was all my own stupid fault and I can laugh about it now, so it isn't really a song of bitterness. *g*
:: 14Dec02 01:20 :: LOOKIE! :: New layout, can you see? It's totally different from what I originally wanted, but it's kinda cool all the same. I'll do something about the title graphic at some point, and about that empty space on the top right... maybe. Maybe I'll change the layout again in a few days. Maybe I'll just ditch the whole site and never come online again (unlikely).
I was supposed to go to a friend's for dinner tonight but my mum wouldn't let me cuz of the frost (the friend lives kinda far). Totally unfair cuz my mum went out too and she didn't cancel it cuz it was right around the corner from here. Anyway, got new layout done instead. And didn't have anything to eat cuz I was too lazy to cook something. *ahem* I'm sorta hungry now but I can't start preparing sth in the middle of the night can I? Well I guess I could...
I do miss the freedom of living alone, or with other people my age, where I'm considered 'a grown up' person and not 'the child'. Then again living with my mum has its advantages too... like having someone cook for you and do your laundry (yeah she does *blush*), and reminding you of all the boring stuff and so on. You can't have it all. If I lived in a flat I'd have to consider the neighbours when playing loud music... now I have to consider my mum. But she pays the bills! (for now)
:: 13Dec02 18:20 :: FREAKY STUFF :: I just came across this blog entry by pure chance... it's most fascinating, you have to read through the comments as well - there are loads and they span over more than a month, but the whole thing is hilarious, freaky and scary so if you have some spare time, read it!
I'm quite bored and too lazy to do anything useful. Might work on a new layout over the week-end, or do some other updates around the site... or get working on some of the photo & drawing stuff I've been wanting to do... or place my enormous arse in front of the telly and refuse to move for a full 48 hours. BTW I've started reading Ken Follett's The Third Twin after a friend recommended it and thought it was weirdly familiar... turns out I must have seen the film. Great. The annoying thing is I can't really remember how it ended & I'm too nosy to stop reading now. Ah well, only 350 pages to go. *g* It's quite a quick read tho, should finish it over the week-end.
Holidays start next week btw, and it's only 15 days till I meet Me BML. The weather has turned mighty shitty tho - frozen roads, icy cold and fog too. Yay for winter.
:: 11Dec02 21:00 :: STEALING :: from squiZZle.
I am not: stupid.
I hurt: when you kick me.
I love: Michael Jackson and my pets.
I hate: with a passion.
I fear: losing someone dear.
I hope: I was right.
I regret: buying my spycam.
I cry: at every little thing.
I care: about my friends.
I always: wear glasses.
I feel alone: rarely.
I listen: to lots of different kinds of music.
I hide: when something needs doing.
I drive: like a madwoman.
I sing: to myself.
I write: on my PC.
I breathe: through the nose.
I miss: England.
I search: wisdom.
I learn: all the time apparently.
I feel: different from others.
I know: that I know nothing.
I say: rash things when I'm drunk.
I crave: sunshine.
I succeed: when I really want to.
I fail: to become a better person.
I dream: day and night.
I wonder: about humanity.
I want: lots of money.
I worry: about anything and everything.
I wish: so many things.
I have: all I need, but not all I want.
I give: a damn.
I fight: my laziness - not.
I wait: for a sign.
I need: food & drink.
:: 11Dec02 12:00 :: MUMBLE MUTTER :: You were saying? - Sorry, hang on. *finishes chewing* Um, yes, well... don't have much to say but somehow I felt I should write a new entry so that people who come to this site don't think I'm always depressed or something... tho on the other hand I don't really care what most people think of me. I worked out the average age of my friends the other day... too much time on my hands, you think? I thought it would be interesting to know as there are quite big variations... my youngest friend is as old as the kids I'm teaching and my oldest are my mum's age. Er anyway, to get to the point, their average age is 27. Fascinating uh?
While we're on the subject of fascinating things, if you have some time to spare, go & visit Suzy's site Mali Snovi and especially the art section. I wish I could draw like that, it's so so so cool! I spent ages there last night, as well as at some other sites, as a result I went to bed late and woke up at 11.30, so I didn't get any of the stuff done I meant to do. Means I have to do it all this afternoon. Sun is shining tho :) And now I'm off downstairs for lunch! Byeee!
:: 10Dec02 2:30 :: THERAPY :: Here's part of my reply to a friend who asked me what I thought I'd got from my psychologist sessions. Thought I'd copy it in here too as it's a good summary, tho a bit depressing towards the end.
Um. I have gotten better, but I'm not sure the therapist helped much. I think it was time and circumstances more than anything.
True, most of the stuff she told me wasn't ground-shattering, but it did help hearing it from her because she was an authority, instead of my own blundering attempts at self-analysis - it was different. But while I was still seeing her I could see that it had become pointless because I saw I could cope, and when I stopped seeing her she too told me that I was feeling "ok" rather than crap and hence not motivated enough to change. I'd have to hit rock bottom again to wanna see someone again.
There was this point a few months ago where I thought I could not cope with who I was, what I knew & believed about myself and what determined the person I was. All these things seemed like a huge deal to me, altho they had been like this for years, and I thought I'd totally lost myself and could not manage everyday life if I did not sort out those fundamental problems. Which was silly because before I had managed more or less fine. And I do again now. I crawled out of my hole and went back to being "ok" - tho I know these problems are still there and unsolved, but they don't bother me so much now. I have learnt that almost nobody is totally at ease with who they are. And I have come to accept that what my dad's death did to me was drastic, but natural.
The worst thing my therapist has made me realise is that the hurt won't go away. It's very hard to come to terms with that. You're sorta expecting a kind of grieving period (be it 2 months or 2 years), and then you'll be "over it" and there will only be a faintly painful memory which will eventually turn into something positive, you know, like a warm, beautiful place in your heart that you can carry with you without actually feeling the hurt.
But that's an illusion and I know that now. There will always be something missing, for the rest of my life, tho of course it will get less acutely painful. And millions and millions of people have something missing, something hurting, and it seems that this is the human condition, to be hurting, and that's very depressing. I was not quite prepared for this realisation. So maybe once I've accepted that and moved away from my unrealistic idea of human existence I will be able to embrace life without feeling like something has gone wrong somewhere.
:: 9Dec02 21:30 :: GOD HELP ME :: LOL ok, I've got a new car stereo. Wanna hear the story? Course you do! It IS rather amusing and I have sort of a bad conscience about it too. Ok so I told you about how it would reset itself each time I switchted on the car engine yes? So Tobias & I figured it might be a problem of connecting the stereo to the car battery or sth like that... hmok, so I went to the shop where I bought it, and they said I should take it to these contractors of theirs where they'd have a look at it & decide whether it was an installation problem or the actual stereo not working.
So off I went, explained my problem (additionally to that resetting thing, the stereo would do all sorts of weird stuff - either refusing to be switched on or switching itself off as soon as you touched a button). The guy agreed it might well be a connection prob, came with me and had a look... and indeed found out that they'd mixed up red and yellow. He suggested I go back to them and have them switch it around (as otherwise he'd have to charge me), but then found it was very easy to re-connect the cables and did so... and it worked! (gasp)
I was delirious & readily agreed to sign a form for him so he'd be paid (by my shop) too. But before that, we had to get the stereo back into its slot... we tried, pushed and pulled (on the cables), but didn't manage, so I suggested I go back to the garage and ask them to do it for free (since they'd done it before), since after all they'd connected it wrong the first time and all. Followed him inside to sign things, came back out, got into car, started engine... and found the stereo got stuck when trying to turn its front panel around. This of course was due to our pushing & pulling & twisting & forcing things... (ahem).
Whinged to guy again, he pulled & pushed some more, but obviously it was screwed for good. I kept whingeing about the crap quality of this product (which btw he'd hinted at before, i.e. that I shouldn't be surprised, at such a low price & all...) and what was I supposed to do now and all, and if HE couldn't tell the shop that it was screwed so I'd get the money back, and he finally agreed (heeheehee) & even disconnected it for me for free...
By the time I got back to the shop he'd phoned them and they gave me a voucher straight away so I got myself a Sony CDX-MP30 instead. I feel sorta bad now, cuz really it's all my garage people's fault... if they hadn't connected it the wrong way, we would never had to take it out, reconnect it and force it back in... and we never would've broken it for real... so basically the shop are paying for it all (the failed repair AND the replacement) and the garage willl never even find out they did anything wrong. Then again I don't really care. I'll have the new one installed tomorrow (and no, not by the same people *lol*).
:: 9Dec02 1:30 :: HMPH :: That's a rather impressive example of a broken pair of glasses, don't you think? It's particularly funny considering it's my only pair and I don't have a prescription with the specifications needed. So I'd have to get an appointment at the doctors (usual waiting time: 4 weeks), then go to the optician's and have another pair made (3 days), and all I have to get me through that time is one pair of disposable contact lenses (which I can wear only once, and not for more than 3hrs before they start hurting) and, well, this broken pair of spectacles. *g* I guess I'll find out tomorrow if there's an "express way" through the usual procedure...
And no, you may not ask how it happened. It's unspectacular and adds nothing whatsoever to this account. Let me assure you however that I've had these glasses for many years and always took good care of them, so it's not like I drop & break them every few months or so. They fell at a very unfortunate angle and I bear no responsibility for their unfortunate destruction. Hmph. *g*
:: 8Dec02 20:30 :: BACK. COOL WEEK-END & YOU? :: Aha, I'm back from Mainz, battered, limping and with blisters on my thumbs ("PS2 blisters" they are!), but I had a great week-end doing useless stuff. Playing PS2 (Playstation yes? Well there might be people who don't know what I mean...), watching DVDs or telly and sleeping til noon or after. And eating unhealthy stuff. Nice, very nice - that's my kind of life.
Visiting T&K is like an extreme & extra-decadent version of my own life. We did go out on Saturday, shopping I meant. Freezing cold it was, but nice anyway, took some pics, like the one displayed here (Xmas market decoration). Ah yes, I also bought myself a new wallet (cf
webcam pic). We were meant to go to the cinema that night but with my sprained ankle we couldn't (um, I'd tripped off the sidewalk, don't laugh, it's friggin' painful!). Wasn't too keen on any of the films anyway, except the ones they'd already seen.
Um yeah, so now I am back and have yet to prepare sth for tomorrow (school you know) and unpack and all that boring grown-up life stuff. BTW I didn't go online all week-end and didn't miss it at all. Didn't miss out on anything either as far as I can see. So the Net
can survive without me, how reassuring (or is it disappointing?).
Me BML did miss me tho, isn't that cute? :)
:: 6Dec02 13:30 :: BYEEEEE :: OK, I'm all packed up and ready to disappear for the week-end. Visiting Katja & Tobias in Mainz. See y'all on Sunday night! (I doubt I will be updating, unless something really amazing happens and I can bully Tobias into letting me use his PC *g*).
:: 5Dec02 19:10 :: SAMANTICS :: You see, what I like about certain, um, realms or worlds is that they are more or less closed and self-referential. It makes them very soon seem familiar and reassuring. Many academic worlds are like that - literature for instance or translation studies (even more so cuz it's a fairly young discipline). The same critics and theories, books, authors and currents crop up again and again, and after you've done it for a couple of years, you'll always recognize a name or an idea. You'll know most terms involved and you'll understand stuff which may well be a mystery to anyone outside your little universe.
The same applies to many sports for instance (always the same people, same strategies, same terminology), and very much to the online world too. Well, to more specific areas of it. I noticed it again when reading some of those "primary weblogs", or articles about them. There are people you'll encounter again and again (and no, you won't get no links cuz I'm too lazy to go thru all the sites again. Start here and you'll have hours of fun finding them!), and you'll soon enough be familiar with the most common terms of weblogging and so on.
Actually I do miss my closed academic world, even tho its self-referentiality so annoyed me when I was part of it. It is of no relevance to anyone outside of it and it doesn't contribute to improving the world (the way physics does, for instance). There seems no real use for it - the world wouldn't particularly suffer if literary scholarship disappeared off the face of the Earth. But I can see why people would want to hide (hum, ok, live) in such a world. It has a certain appeal, no doubt. So much safer than the big wide world out there.
:: 5Dec02 9:10 :: HOW BIZARRE :: Don't people realize how ridiculous and pointless the media's sick obsession with Michael Jackson is? They way it seems completely natural for them to call everything he does weird, freaky and wacko!? Best example: the world-wide press reporting about MJ testifying in court. Generally introduced by something along the lines of "and another bizarre day in the life of Michael Jackson" or "weirdness abounds in Santa Monica" (here's an actual quote: "the second that Michael Jackson shows up at this normally sleepy town, the Santa Maria courthouse, the bizarre meter just goes off the scale").
Um, oookay. So what's so weird this time? Well, imagine, he is walking on a crutch. How bizarre!!! And, oh God, he ate candy!!! HOW UTTERLY WEIRD!!! Sorry, but these people can't possibly take their readers/viewers/listeners seriously if Michael Jackson eating candy makes front headlines (it does!! New York Post is all I say)!!! You'll get self-proclaimed (no really!!!) 'social analysts' or whatever on German TV discussing whether his spider bite explanation is a PR gag or true, obviously coming to the conclusion that whatever the case, MJ is and always will be weird.
I mean is outright comical, no!? These people are a caricature of themselves - it's so extreme that you're almost wondering whether they're not actually trying to poke fun at today's celebrity obsession. But they're not!! And most of these people seem to think what they're doing is serious journalism! And, worst of all, viewers & readers don't bat an eyelid when they come across such reports, they seem to think of it as absolutely normal?! Even those you wouldn't consider the typical gutter press audience apparently think that anything goes as far as Michael Jackson is concerned. After all he is weird - certainly not human, so who cares about his dignity or his feelings.
And what's strange in relation to that is that while the world scrutinizes MJ's every move, they are constantly going on about how he is so over and nobody cares about him any more!! Well if that is the case, how come he's all over the media whenever he opens his mouth or lifts a finger?! *rolleyes* But to condemn him for having a bad relationship with the press and not always being truthful about his private life! *pfft* Hooray for hypocrisy and two-facedness. LOL.
PS Gloria Allred, you're a bitch!
:: 4Dec02 19:10 :: MORE WEB STUFF :: OK, some more Net updates. I've been reading up on the latest misdeeds of the evil Church of Scientology and their attempts at getting rid of critical sites (like the one I linked just now when I wrote Scientology *g*). That organisation is so incredibly dangerous and scary that I cannot believe that not more is written about it, people don't get more outraged about it and so few people are actually aware of it!! And when I see how much power they have and how they manage to silence critical voices, it truly makes me shudder. Hum yeah. If you have some spare time, learn about them!
Oh yeah, and I've noticed that my site comes first on Google when you search for Clarissa Web, and #7 with the simple search Clarissa. Cool no? :) Unfortunately my old address is still there too *tsk* - I mean come on Google, it's been offline for 3 months at least!
:: 4Dec02 18:25 :: GOOD OLD WEB :: God I love surfing randomly and finding interesting stuff. Something trivial for you MJ lovers first - Tony Pierce had a sweet (fictional)conversation with Michael - without making fun of him! Really! Ok, in a more serious matter, I've found this hugely interesting article about Google Bombs (heard of them?). It's one of those articles with lots of links, so it will take you ages to read it all and you'll end up with 10 browser windows open. Well I did anyway. Very interesting site btw, is now in my favourites :) Oh and I do love these weird, typically online phenomena, and I love to read about them and follow them up and find out their sources and all that (and I love the fact that the sources are usually all there, only a few links or searches away). I guess that makes me a geek. I guess that's okay.
I'm fairly pissed off at my recent purchases tho. The Trust Spycam fucked up my PC to start with (caused the mouse to stop responding, just like my Trust Drawing Tablet, incidentally). Getting the most recent drivers solved that problem, but the damn thing refuses to take pictures half of the time, it seems to think it's too dark. *rolleyes* Hum yes, and my car stereo does the most annoying thing ever - everytime you switch off the car engine, it "resets" itself so when you start your car, it plays this default radio frequency - 87.5, which has nothing but hissing to offer, of course. So if you were listening to a CD, you'll have to start again each time you start the car. What a shite machine! *grrr* Why me?!?!
:: 4Dec02 11:25 :: EXAMS AND STUFF :: Hum yeah, so I got my exam results yesterday and I passed. In fact I came out first, which is absolutely incredible and they musta mixed something up, but well, that's what they tell me. That's sorta cool, everyone at home is, like, sooo proud of me (which isn't often lol) & they all wanna shower me with gifts and stuff ("so is there anything you want?", says my nan. "so what would you like for Xmas?", says my mum *g*). Obviously that stuff only works when you're usually average and this is something hugely exceptional. *g* Aah, laziness :)
Um yeah. What's v. sad about the whole thing is that my friend didn't do so well, so there's a risk that they might not take her (which is impossible, they have to, we've done everything together so far!!!!). The other sad thing is that my dad ain't here to be proud of me. It was one of the first things my mum & my nan said too. Plus it was six months that he died yesterday, so me & my mums 'celebration' became all teary-eyed and nostalgic. *sigh*
Oh but I've bought myself a spycam. That's like the ultimate useless gadget, but I've wanted to have one for ages, you know, to take pics in places where you're not supposed to (shops or school for instance :D). Might get my nan to pay for it since she's so keen on buying me something. Actually have to try it out now... some day I'll do the promised time capsule thing... but first you'll get spy pics LOL.
:: 2Dec02 22:45 :: SATISFACTION, OR LACK OF IT :: I should be updating my diary more often, uh? I don't feel like updating my diary much. Do you think I should force myself to update my diary? Or maybe force myself to want to update my diary? BTW, this year was the first November in 10 years where I didn't listen to November Rain. I meant to, but forgot. Well, November was over before I got round to it. Time goes by SO quickly as you get older! All you younger readers, you'll be surprised! All you older readers, you were right! And the thought that it will pass more & more quickly kinda scares me... I mean what's the use in that case? The weirdest thing about the perception of time passing is that while it is happening, you often feel like it's sooo slow, and hoping for this-or-that to be over. But once it is, you're taken aback.
I often get that when I'm looking forward to something, or waiting for something to be over. Say, something is a month from now. I'm thinking "God, another month to go, that's ages!!" Then, only a few inklings later (or so it seems) I'll be looking back and going "DAMN, it's over ALREADY!? It seems like less than a week has passed since I was thinking that it would be ages!" Relativity is something very weird, I tell ya.
Something else. I don't like my job. I don't look forward to doing my job when I get up in the morning. I can't quite see myself doing this for the rest of my life. Maybe I have been lying to myself all along?! I thought I could handle this no problem, that this was my choice - choosing the "lesser evil" (mainly because I can't seem to think of a better alternative), deliberately doing something I am anything but passionate about, because of the advantages it gives me (a lot of free time, a lot of money, a lot of holidays..), and also because I am scared of starting to hate what I like doing because I'd have to do it. And maybe I'll get used to it, just like I've always gotten used to whatever I couldn't avoid... and I mean, a lot of people have jobs they don't particularly like, and I should count myself lucky to at least have one that pays well... or indeed have a job at all!
And it wouldn't be like me at all to just abandon all of that and start looking for something that will fulfil me. I doubt that such a job exists. I doubt it now more than ever. And even if I did follow my heart and say, moved back to England, abandoning my mum, my friends, my horse (6-month quarantine), my house and all the rest of it for an unsafe, daunting, straight out scary future - I may well end up losing my dreams along with all the rest, if things don't work out. I miss England like hell, but that's probably an idealised England, made up of all the positive stuff I had back there (comfortably forgetting the negative), plus any idealisation I can come up with to add onto it. No way can real life ever be better than my dreams. And my dreams are worth holding onto, right? Just to keep me going. And I do live in a dream world after all.
Maybe I should talk to my therapist (mehehe) about that. Ain't got anything better to talk about (have appointment tomorrow). Didn't do what she asked me to (damn positivity diary) and also sorta failed concerning the original reason I went for... feel sorta inadequate now, and dunno whether or not to lie to her about it. Ah anyway. Been at this for over an hour now (yeah well, not only this), so will quit it. Getting my exam results tomorrow or the day after btw.
read on > November 2002
