Ravenous Maverick

mav·er·ick
n.

1. An unbranded range animal, especially a calf that has become separated from its mother, traditionally considered the property of the first person who brands it.
2. One that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group; a dissenter.

Love and Honesty

:: Love :: So two days ago I sort of decided that every day I would tell one of my friends that I love them. And I found out that there aren't really that many people I would tell that. I have told two so far... maybe I have another dozen people or so that I would tell this. And there are all sorts of reasons for this. Some people are very important to me, but I'd never tell them I love them, simply because we don't do that sort of thing. It would be weird. And with some of the people I do tell there is no logical reason why as I don't really know them that well. Maybe it's just because there are different ways of doing things. Human emotions are a strange thing.

:: Honesty :: Been thinking about this whole honesty issue again recently, first in relation to this blog, and then just generally in relation to my friends. I'm not completely honest on here for obvious reasons (well I don't lie, but let's say I don't tell everything)... sometimes I'd like to be but I realise this is not possible. I have been a lot more than I used to be tho, at the risk of making myself very vulnerable or even making myself look ridiculous. (I don't regret this.)
I am also not completely honest to my friends... for various reasons. In fact I have different reasons for each and every one of them. I dunno, is it playing games? Or insecurity? Some people I'd trust with the most embarrassingly personal things (tho I really should be careful, having been screwed over before), but there are other things I could never tell them - things that I'm scared would change or complicate our friendship or something. I don't like complicated. Maybe it's wrong to be dishonest. I do believe some things are better left unsaid tho.

I wanna be sedated

Random lyric from My So-Called Life that's floating through my head. I love Rayanne.

I am so fucking tired. I have a vague feeling that I should be having dinner and that 3 muffins isn't considered a proper dinner. But it's so late and I wanna go to bed. I've made a new splash page - squiZZ says it's crap and I guess it is, but it's all I could come up with and I'm too lazy to think of anything better.

I'm also too lazy to do any work on my dissertation, tho I've had Word open all night... so I'm still pretty much stuck at 4200 words (4257 tho), and there's no way I'll get it done by the end of the month, esp. since I ain't gonna do any work on it next week... I'm working on Sunday too cuz some guy asked me to do a shift swap. Good thing is tho he can do one of my Monday shifts at some point so hopefully I can go & visit Mon some time soon.

Er yeah. The End. Very boring entry uh?

PS Random piece of advice: do not buy cheap can openers. They are shit.
PPS Plug - Kal is back! Well, his blog at least!

Terrorism - forced to freak?

Are you scared of terrorist attacks?

Like, at any level? Are you concerned about innocent people dying, about what it all means for the western world to live under constant threat from an invisible and unpredictable enemy?

And do you fear for your own life? Do you think twice about catching the plane, do you avoid the capitals of countries that supported the war in Iraq, do reports about biological warfare make you feel uneasy?

Apparently that is the way one is supposed to be. Being indifferent about the whole affair is considered bad taste. If you say that you're finding it interesting or even exciting rather than scary and unsettling, you get shocked and disapproving looks.

That's not gonna keep me from saying it of course. So yes, I'm not afraid for my own life, I do catch planes and I do visit London, I'm not particularly bothered by terrorist attacks in European countries and I do follow it all with detached interest. I guess I'm just a cynical & extremely bored monster.

Jackpot!

I don't know how many Mons there are. I expect with 6 billion people there will be quite a few. I do however know, and I don't have the slightest doubt about this, that we have found the best one. Imagine! Out of all the Mons in the world, ours is the cutest, the most amazing, the smartest, the most creative and the loveliest! We are a very lucky bunch.
(Notice how I have used "we" and "ours" throughout. This is to avoid any tedious arguments over Mon ownership, although she is of course mine and mine only.)

Yet again - Update for Lo

Maybe I should have 2 more Categories on this thing: "for Mon" updates and and "for Lo" updates. So this one's for Lo.

This Bounty I'm having tastes kinda strange. Definitely not normal. Maybe someone's trying to blackmail Coop and has poisoned random chocolate bars. So now I'm gonna die. Anyone want the rest of it? Apparently I'm gonna die anyway cuz I eat so much junk food. I had something like 800 calories in 15mins earlier. I had a craving. Um yeah.

I'm so bored. I'm bored all the time. When I'm at work I'm bored and want nothing more than being at home in front of my PC. Then I come home and go online and I'm even boreder. Is there no treatment against boredom? My dissertation bores me too but I like this sentence: "It would be tedious to start listing the countless ‘icons’ of popular culture exported from America (in inverted commas to create ironic distance, as befits the critical Western mind) – names such as Disney, McDonald’s or the ubiquitous Coca-Cola that have become the emblem of America’s hegemony over world economy and world civilization." Most of the rest of it I hate though. I must also email Piotr about another extension. *scared*

Well anyway. 7.5hrs work again tomorrow - hooray (so not)! But then it will finally be Tuesday and I will (get up at 4.30, ugh, and) be off to the grim North where supermarkets are really open 24hrs (even on Sunday!) and where resides a rather cute Pet® who denies being a Pet® but is one anyway. Yay! So no updates for a while maybe.

Stupid Americans

You (may) know how I like to get worked up about stupid Americans (and other stupid people) who like to sue company's arses off because they were too stupid to use their products properly (you know what I mean - the "spilling hot coffee over yourself & suing McDonald's" kind).

Well in that context I'd like to point you in the direction of M-LAW, "a non-profit organization working to increase public awareness of how the explosion in litigation is hurting America. M-LAW is dedicated to restoring common sense and personal responsibility to the courts." Big Woo Yay to them! For a good laugh (and slight exasperation), read their Wacky Warning Labels and their Loony Lawsuits pages.

I fucking hate them all!!!

OK 4 days of checkouts in a row is definitely too much. I hate customers, hate hate hate!! Each and every single one of them!! The ones that take ages packing their stuff, or finding their money, the ones that can't open the fucking carrier bags even tho it's so damn simple, the ones that give me a sodding £20 note when they bought stuff for £3.20, forcing me to give them one of my precious £5 notes. The ones that buy shitloads of reduced Whoops items - mean bastards! The ones that come trickling to my till, disturbing me in my peace as soon as I think I've got a minute to myself, and the ones that come rushing all in one go, creating long queues, then getting annoyed when they have to wait a while!

I hate the men, I hate the women (and God do I hate the kids!), I hate the white ones and the black ones, the old ones and the young ones. The ones that dare to disturb me with their one bloody item, and the ones that annoy me by unloading their whole fortnightly (or monthly!?) shopping on me!

It got sooooo hard towards the end to smile at them and say "hello, thank you, good bye" when all I wanted to do was scream "you fucking punk with your crappy shopping, stay away from my till and leave me the hell alone! I don't even want to breathe the same air as you, let alone serve you and be nice to you!!!! "

Yeah so 4 days of work in a row is decidedly too much.

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii (it's cold)

Jaaaaa I is in Glasgow!!!

It's kinda cold but I have a squiZZ!

And I've spent SHITloads of money on completely useless stuff such as a talking/singing Mr Burns, a ring with a coffin on it and books. And sweets. And alcohol.

Ja that's it. Byeeeeee.

(only writing this entry so there's not that angry one at the top anymore)

See you at the bitter end

God, with my whole healthy liver-saving diet I'd completely forgotten how fun it is to get drunk! And, above all, to get drunk with crazy lovely insane cute sexy fun squiZZ!!!!!!

Ja so we're getting drunk... not done much else today... got up really late cuz I insisted on staying in bed as long as poss (it's WARM there!)... then went into town for some more shopping... then came home, went online and started drinking. Which is where we are now.

Pizza soon. Placebo music too. Not soon but                                                                                                     (<--- the space bar is stuck and sooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuuute!) now - Sleeping With Ghosts. Very sexy album. You should all buy.

So sometime soon we're all gonna meet up somewhere. Either in Glasgow or Norway or Brighton. Ja. Including a daniel and a Lo. That's all.

OK. Am being fed now so byeeee.

Blahdeblah

Hello me it's me again. (this is a Guns'N'Roses quote but I'm not sure what song it's from... ) (ah no I was wrong, it's Sweating Bullets by Megadeth)

Er yeah. Still in Glasgow (would you have guessed?!), still kinda cold but not allowed to moan about it... er what else... Not been up for very long. luuuurve being lazy! I should be paid for it. (I hate this keyboard).

Um yeah. I'm crap at updating. Byeeeeeeeeeeee.

Pissed off

Yeah so when I got to Stansted on Tuesday and saw that the car park was £7.20 per day I figured that I'd probably be able to fly BA from Gatwick for not much more money (and much less hassle). So I just checked the BA rates and yes, I was right!! I can get a return for £80 which is £11 more than what Ryanair plus car park will cost me - not counting the petrol.

Soooo the bad thing is that I'm pissed off cuz I wasted time and money... but the good thing is that I know now and can come again soon.

Oslo is Heathrow tho.

Another questionnaire...

stolen from wonderful Skyler (again, for a change...)

1 - Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: (hm, same idea as what squiZZ did last night, but different page/line. Interesting how those memes go around.) The influence of Dryden and the triad of metaphrase, paraphrase, imitation.

2 - Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? What direction? Front: desk lamp, left: window.

3 - What is the last thing you watched on TV? Black Books.

4 - WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: 19:00.

5 - Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? 19:14.

6 - With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? As The World Falls Down - David Bowie.

7 - When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Earlier today, going to/coming from work.

8 - Before you came to this website, what did you look at? Er... Skyler's other site , and generally "my" people's diaries.

9 - What are you wearing? Placebo Tshirt, Sussex uni hoodie, pyjama trousers.

10 - Did you dream last night? Ja, it was a nightmare.

11 - When did you last laugh? At something or other one of my customers said. Or maybe when I was showing Mr Burns to BML Me earlier.

12 - What is on the walls of the room you are in? Posters & calendars. Brian , MJ , Angelina , Eminem, NYC , Paris .

13 - Seen anything weird lately? Nothing I can think of.

14(a) - What book are you currently reading? Check the Right Now section. Actually on my way home I was reading this.

14(b) - What is the last book you finished? Er, The Case of The General's Thumb.

15 - What is the last film you saw? In its entirety? Does Elephant count even tho I was only watching half the time?

16 - If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? A plane ticket to Glasgow.

17 - Tell me something about you that I don't know: I'm very unsure right now if I've done / I'm doing the right thing.

18 - If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? Er... get rid of a lot of people.

19 - Do you like to dance? Ja, sometimes.

20 - George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or someone who is finally doing something that's needed to be done for years? Nutcase of course.

21(a) - Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? I hate kids.

21(b) - Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Still hate kids.

22 - Would you ever consider living abroad? Well... I live abroad (as in, not in my native country). So I guess the answer to that is yes? As to whether I'd ever live anywhere other than the UK, the answer to that is yes too I guess. At the moment.

Mr Burns & Mr Molko

The two men in my life....

*ahem* Ja so you can see Mr Molko above, part of a slight layout change. Sexy eyes. I hope you like. I certainly do. Maybe one day I will properly change the layout on this thing. Unlikely in the near future tho.

Yeah and Mr Burns. I told you about him here. I'm still muchly engrossed with him, he's most entertaining and I've always wanted to own a Mr Burns. So I'll share his cuteness with you:
- his Money song (mp3, 58KB)
- some of the cute stuff he says (mp3, 73KB)
- a crappy webcam picture of him. (jpg, 16KB)
Innhe luuuurvely????

Google my Google

You might have heard that Google are planning to start a Webmail service which offers a whopping 1GB storage space. The service will pay for itself by displaying relevant text ads based on terms it gleans from your emails.

Now when I first read about this I was sure a lot of people would start whingeing about privacy issues right away. I checked a few news sources but none of them seemed to have any concerns, they all focused on the competition issue (Yahoo and Hotmail obviously - did you know Yahoo has loads more users than Hotmail?).

Aaanyway. They've finally woken up - the privacy whingers I mean. And it's in the news too of course. Ja. I admit they have a point. But I still love my Google.

Estranged

When you're talkin to yourself
And nobody's home
You can fool yourself
You came in this world alone
(Alone)

So nobody ever told you baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
ONE, TWO

Old at heart but I'm only 28
And I'm much too young
To let love break my heart
Young at heart but it's getting much too late
To find ourselves so far apart

I don't know how you're s'posed
To find me lately
An what more could tou ask from me
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
Said you took everything from me

Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I musn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out

Still talkin' to myself
and nobody's home
(Alone)

So nobody ever told us baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to us baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see

When I find out all the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time
An now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
An you don't walk so proud
Any more, and what for

Well I jumped into the river
Too many times to make it home
I'm out here on my own, an drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines
'Cause I see the storm getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything We've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die

I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time- Oh this time
Without you

I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die

Honesty & Privacy

Yeah so I've been thinking about having a private/secret diary again. Again cuz I've had before. I've just reread that one, it's kinda scary. It also has only 3 entries. I was very dedicated uh?

Yeah so there are a lot of things right now that go through my head that I can't write about here. And I kinda have the urge to write them down anyway. But the question is, why? Why do I keep wanting to write my thoughts down? Do I really need to? And does it need to be online? Why do I think I need an audience? What does that give me?

There aren't many of my friends I'd allow access to that diary... half a dozen maybe. Maybe I'd need more than one diary. Some stuff I don't want some people to know, some stuff I don't want other people to know... and so on. It would never end. How tedious.

It's a bit stupid really. And I guess this entry doesn't make much sense. Ah well. Not everything needs to make sense. So I will think about the secret diary issue. Or maybe I'll just think about and overcome my need for one. Ugh.

So I had an idea

(Yahoo conversation from just now)
me: did I tell you I wanna build a smiley-machine?
me: that you can carry around?
d: no
me: so instead of showing emotions, you know, using your face and body, you can just show a smiley
d: oooh
d: ingenious
me: it would be good for emotionally disabled people like us
d: indeed
me: you know the smiley!??!
me: it's genius!
d: is
me: but I never scratch my chin in real life!
me: and it would look silly
d: would
me: whereas showing the smiley would be ok
me:
me: you think it would make me rich?
d: no
me:
me: LOL
d:
me: pah
me:
(and that was that)

The Truth & the Book

So this morning I finally read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time (tho has been in my Right Now section for days, I wasn't actually reading it). Anyway it was a very good book tho only takes you a few hours to read. And I like this quote:

Prime numbers are what is left when you have taken all the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them.

That Survey

squiZZ did a while back, then Mon stole & posted on Simply, and tonight I had nothing better to do so did it on Simply & thought might as well post here.

For Kal: Books read

OK so Kal wants me to do a list of the books I've read in the past 6 months. This is totally impossible as most of them are in Lux and I'd never remember them all. So I'll do the ones I have here and then see if I can remember some random ones. I'll try to rate them too, from 1-5. I'd link them to Amazon too but I'm too lazy. Amazon has a search function after all.

New Snake Ring

My old one finally broke in Glasgow (it was adjustable and constantly got caught in stuff and bent and, well yeah, ended up breaking). Tried to find new one in Glasgow but ended up with a coffin one instead (which I regret buying now cuz was kinda expensive), so went round Brighton today and found a new one which isn't adjustable so won't bend and break.

I also bought some other stuff and went to the bank for Martine. Didn't go to bookstores tho as too lazy and was scared I'd only end up buying more books I can't afford. When I got home I tidied my room and the lounge (way overdue ). Now I am tired and will go to bed. The boiler will probably wake me at 4 so I'll get up then and finally do some work on my dissertation. Hopefully. Must also email Piotr about another extension which is rather scary. Sooo many scary things in life! Why can't we take a time out sometimes?

Why it's so complicated

I just got thinking about this while reading through other people's diaries and, well, just thinking (instead of writing dissertation). I've often enough mentioned my well-documented paranoia. I'm not the only one who has this problem, in fact I believe that most of us are paranoid/suspicious at least to some degree, but I guess I'm a more extreme case. Sometimes when people do something (or omit to do something) completely innocuous that no one else would give a second thought about, it will utterly convince me they do not like me, or have grown tired of me, or find me annoying, or want rid of me.

Because I am aware this is a problem of mine (and not of those other people), I can often talk myself out of it after a while, or I can get other friends to talk me out of it, or if the person in question does something reassuring the next time I speak to them I feel better again and overcome my fears. But it still inhibits me and also influences my behaviour towards others, and probably makes me act in ways that make little sense to others and can be seen as rather inconsistent. And exhausting. And sometimes scary.

I used to be (and still am to a large degree) very restrained in my show of affection - I rarely tell people how I really feel about them and this is mainly because I am scared of rejection. For if you don't tell someone you love them, what does it matter if they don't love you back. It's a matter of pride, which is another one of my problems. All the same, I am still (more or less openly) demanding constant attention and reassurance or the old paranoia will flare up again. I guess that makes me rather high maintenance sometimes.

To make matters worse, my paranoia makes it very hard for me to accept affection when I do get it. Since I am convinced people don't really like me, they must be either taking the piss or they want something from me and are being nice to me out of sheer calculation, so I then often react with a sort of cynical disbelief or even outright aggression. I have been working on this very hard as I know from the past that people have found this frustrating, but still I can't quite overcome it. This applies especially to people who give me the sort of confusing mixed signals that fuel my paranoia.

I guess my jealousy and possessiveness are somehow linked to my paranoia too. Since I am barely worth my friends' attention, every other person in their entourage is a huge threat to me: soon enough they will like them better and spend time with them and leave me to myself. Every moment they spend with them instead of me proves to me that they're not interested in me anymore. I cannot overstate the extremity of this: if someone has spent all night talking to me and then turn around to chat to someone else for 10 minutes, I immediately see this as the ultimate irrefutable proof that they have now abandoned me forever and love this person much much more than they have ever loved me (as I said, I can snap out of this after a while, but at that moment, that is how I feel and nothing else will make sense).

So, to sum it all up, I am needy, clingy, dependent and unable to form a healthy relationship that isn't extremely intense and exhausting (and I mean this in a friendship sense, since I don't want a proper relationship anyway - and can you see why?). So I'm thinking again maybe it would be easier to just not form any bonds with people. I don't miss friends when I don't have any. I do however miss them when I have them but they're not there for me. So without friends would be better. But annoyingly enough I seem to just slip into these friendship situations without noticing, and by the time I realise what I've got myself into it's too late and I'm already dependent on that person. Ja. So here you have a nice long self-critical entry for a change. Now to the dissertation.

Heaven for 39p

Weather is fun

According to Yahoo Weather it's currently 12ºC outside. I can't really prove or disprove that as
1. I am inside and
2. even if I were to go outside I would have no thermometer to check.
But according to Yahoo Weather it is also "partly cloudy" and that I certainly can disprove by looking out the window and seeing a perfect blue sky like this:

I miss my Mon

I wish I could afford to fly to Norway.

I really shouldn't go through photo archives.

Buy One Get One Free!!!

[edit] BIG FAT THANKS to the wonderful incomparable squiZZ!!!! [/edit]

Oooh the excitement!

Police searching for a missing 79-year-old man say a body found at the foot of cliffs is that of a man of roughly the same age. [source]

Yep, right there. *muahahaha* I'm probably not supposed to find this cool, but nothing much ever happens in my life and a body found right outside my window is as good as it gets. Sussex Police said the body had been found by a member of the public at about 1245 BST on Friday. - I walked past there on my way to work at exactly that time!!!! Imagine!!! It could have been me!

OK it wasn't, but anyway. I am sort of involved (oh shut it!). Everyone was talking about it at Asda too - the security guys said they may have it on CCTV! (not sure what exactly? the guy jumping down the cliffs? Or maybe someone shoved him?! Well it wasn't me! )

Happiness: some observations

So I came across this article in The Guardian...
with nothing better to do, let me share some random wisdom with you.

Everyone loves Janet

I dreamt about Janet again last night!!!! That's the third time since her album was released!!! Maybe it's some sort of sign or something, so I've decided to finally give in and listen to the album more. Everyone else seems to love it, so... am listening to it now. It ain't so bad I suppose. Still spooked about the dreams tho.

Excitement Update

LOOK at all the commotion!!! (140KB)

heeheeheeheehee

My Sunday afternoon

Very productive as you can see. New layout indeed. The long-awaited return of frames (ok I dunno if anyone's been awaiting it but anyway). I've wasted the whole afternoon on this so I didn't get any work done on the dissertation. I should feel bad about it but I don't really. I got my extension tho! Woo!

Other achievements include: spilling something sticky into my keyboard (tomato juice I think), breaking a wine glass, eating 1/4 blackcurrant cheesecake and staring out of the window observing firefighter vans (repeatedly) driving down to the Marina. I'm good uh?

Excitement Update II

Wooooo I just had police round asking about the dead guy! Now I'm a potential suspect and all! (lol ok not really but he did ask where I was on the 12th and if anyone could verify that I went straight home after work)

Yeah they're doing the rounds asking everyone (so they'll have to come back for LJ), so it's not that exciting, but anyway, exciting enough. He mainly asked boring routine questions like did I know the guy and had I seen a Renault Scénic on that Monday (I don't even know what a Renault Scénic looks like). Was embarrassing tho cuz the place is a complete mess & I had to take him into the kitchen so he could sit down to write, and well... the dishes are way overdue.

Ah well. Other than that my life is boring as usual, I've started doing some work for my dissertation again (will need to go to Coventry on Thursday), and now I need to ring the Council about Council Tax and my doctor about test results. Wish me luck.

PS Ok I don't need to ring Council after all. If only we read the stuff we get properly.

My head is so empty

Actually my head isn't empty at all, it's just that none of the contents makes any sense at all.

Here's a question for you: why is life so damn confusing?

This blog sucks. Any suggestions what I could write about?

Video entry: Swiss army & BA

Ja so I thought it was time again. Hope you like. Is only available in .rm cuz I am lazy and all that. Right-click here to download (1.3MB, 2.15min).

X-factor

So I've been to Coventry today to get some more reading material for my dissertation. More than anything that means around 5hrs' drive... 5 boring hours on the road with nothing to do except listening to music and thinking random thoughts. (you can't daydream as that would just take your attention off the road)

It's interesting how my mood can fluctuate in the course of a few hours. I can go from hyper and excited (picture big grin on my face while cruising along the motorway at 100mph) to gloomy and destitute ("I hate the whole fucking world and everyone hates me, and get the fuck out of my lane!!") within less than 20mins. Just by the power of my thoughts, totally unrelated to the weather or the music (tho these too can have an influence of course).

A lot of these "on the road" thoughts are sudden realisations that seem ever so deep and meaningful to me at that point, but are forgotten almost immediately. What a waste of ressources, or so I thought, so I tried to counteract that for a while by taking notes some way or other (audio or quick mobile-phone-notes etc). But when I reviewed my deep realisations a few hours later they mostly sounded lame. Again - waste of ressources. Nevertheless, I've written down some of today's deep thoughts and maybe one day I'll turn them into something useful on here (very unlikely tho).

Tonight... (after some hesitation) I read squiZZ's entry about MJ... I did intend to do an entry about it at first (it's been so long since I had my last MJ entry) but I felt I had so little to say about the whole thing (reading squiZZentry I thought "wtf, I have no clue about any of this") that it would make no sense to talk shit just for the sake of having a Michael Jackson entry. Let me just say that Will You Be There still has the same effect on me as always. I just need a break.

Ok, valsons alors

LMFAO

Oh what a great read!

Hilarious!

Here comes the summer sun...

What a beautiful sunny day it is!

I think I shall go down to the beach

Read a good book for a few hours...

... damn that April sun is stronger than I thought.

Go on then... (11)

Another photo entry

When I was in Glasgow I bought a cool coffin ring.	You can even open it! So I needed sth to put in it of course.
So I made a little guy out of clay. He looks a bit shite I have to admit.	But it's really hard to work on such a small scale. And he fits in the coffin!

The A to Z of MeMeMe

A while back there was this "100 things about me" thing going round. I never finished that, so today, being bored, I thought I'd do a shorter version of it... something about me for every letter of the alphabet.

Brilliant

Just fucking brilliant. I wish I could create something like that.

(been to that site before btw. ages ago. some things are always cool. like alltooflat, too.)

You think it can't get worse

... and then it does.

I hate my hair.
I hate my job.
I hate my dissertation.
I hate my life.
I hate people.
I hate the world.

This place is so fucking boring it's unbelievable!
Someone give me drugs please!!!!

Hello!

Is it me you're looking for?

*ahem* Ja so I thought I'd do an entry so the depressing one is not on top anymore, tho I don't really have much to say. I still hate my dissertation - done some reading today and realised most of the material I got from uni last week (and spent a fortune on for petrol/copies etc) is crap so I'm still stuck at some 7,000 words with not much hope of getting near 20,000 any time soon.

Yeah cuz basically I really wanna finish this shit so I can move on. I have until the end of August now but first off I don't have enough money to last me that long, and secondly I really really hate my job and need to quit as soon as possible - and obviously I can only do that once I'm done with the dissertation so I can get a proper full time job (not that I'm particularly looking forward to that either).

I still hate my hair too - went to Boots this morning and considered buying hair dye... I often dye my hair when I'm depressed or frustrated, it helps to make me feel better about myself. I'd found a nice dark red one & put it in my basket... and then changed my mind, not entirely sure why. I think it had something to do with not being sure if I wanna go back to red, or if I wanna stay dark and gothic for another while. Whatever the case, I will need to do sth about it soon as I have an alarming amount of grey among my brown/purple. And I'm only 26...

Speaking of which, I bought my first anti-ageing creme the other day. I remember a few years ago Lady Nour told me it was never too early to start fighting wrinkles. It's only a cheap one from Lidl (maybe it does more harm than good) but I thought I would give it a try anyway. Goes well with the grey hair after all.

I bought three new books this morning as well - I can never resist 3 for 2 offers, however broke I am. Am quite chuffed about having new reading material, tho it will only distract me from my dissertation I guess. But reading is good. I also bought another one of them 3-day-detox things cuz I thought it was about time again. Started straight away and quit again this afternoon cuz I had the feeling it wasn't doing my stomach any good - so that's £13.50 completely wasted (yes they're that expensive) - didn't exactly lift my spirits, that.

Hm yeah, so here's another not-very-happy entry at the top. Maybe it's PMT or something. It can't be the weather after all - that at least isn't letting me down at the moment.

PS Oh, I also hate my layout.

Dedicated to...

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it look as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
oh I believe in yesterday.

Always half empty

I work 3 days a week. 3 days out of 7. I have 3 days off in a row: Tuesday Wednesday Thursday. Tuesday is the only one of those days I can truly enjoy, because it is the beginning of my time off. Wednesday all I think of is that almost half of my days off is over already - in fact, given that I usually wake up late in the morning, I can even tell myself that more than half is over. Thursday is spent in horrified anticipation of having to work again the next day.

My whole life works like this. If I have a 2 week vacation, I will spend the last of those 2 weeks dreading having to work again. If I am going to visit someone exciting for a few days, I can never really enjoy my stay because once I get there, at the back of my mind I am constantly thinking about how now it will soon be over and I will be missing them.

In a way I always live in the non-present. But I don't spend my working days looking forward to my days off (well I do but I still actively hate the working days), and tho I look forward to visiting exciting people, I don't actively enjoy the days before because I am desperate to get there (by which time I will be dreading the days after).

Sounds fun eh? I've always defined myself as a pessimist, and I've often had this contested - with arguments like "if you were such a pessimist, you would never have taken the plunge and quit your job and moved to Brighton." But that's not what it is. What it means is that I will always see the negative in things. That doesn't prevent me from doing things. It just makes me enjoy them less.

Predicted indicted convicted?

Ja. That's the title of the entry I was gonna write about "the Michael Jackson case" but I don't really have anything useful to say. I've just had this theory that the reason I have kinda gone off MJ is because I want to protect myself from too much pain if he does get convicted. I'm very good at pushing people away when I know I'm gonna lose them (like cutting off all contact with my grandads when I knew they were gonna die, and maybe in a way my dad too).

But MJ... I dunno. Maybe the unthinkable is gonna happen. At the moment I have no idea how it would affect me. Maybe I'd be surprised. He's still innocent to me tho, and I think he always will be.

I am red again. very red

And tomorrow I'll get my bottom smacked at work!
(it wasn't meant to turn out this bright you see)

Such an exciting life

Checkout operator is a very boring job.

Thank God that's not what I do.

I'm a secret agent observing the common British public so we can infiltrate the nation and invade them from within.

I'm an anthropologist studying the shopping habits of average Europeans. I'm studying and taking notes and I'm writing a very clever book.

I'm an alien and this is all very new to me and I'm puzzled by these strange beings buying stuff by the truckload and saying the same things, the same words over and over that have no meaning, hello how are you thank you thanks a lot cheers bye.

I'm an android, I am specialised in customer service jobs. I'm a prototype, there's only one of me, I'm perfect at what I do. I have no emotions no feelings, all I do is scan items weigh items interact with customers, hello thank you that's £23.72 would you like any cashback there you go thanks a lot good bye. It's all I have been programmed to do and I am perfect at it and I have no feelings no emotions.

Thank God I'm not a boring checkout operator.

(my apologies to James Frey)

Up and down and torn apart

It's strange how quickly I can change from hyper and happy and excited to down and depressed and self-doubting and back to excited and confident and positive. All within less than an hour. I don't know if it's normal. I'm not sure if it's good.

It's triggered by such trivial events, always outside events, always other people, always irrelevant details. I can spend five hours or ten hours or a whole day lying in bed reading a book or two books and feeling ok. Twelve hours reading, feeling safe and feeling fine. Not this stupid up and down.

So maybe I should try to get away from the up and down. Why do I seek it out, why do I keep coming back to it, coming back for more when I know it doesn't do me any good? When I could just lie in bed reading books, feeling safe?

I could say it's animal instinct, the old inherited drives. That I'm obeying the most primitive urges, going back to DNA and genetic programs. That I'm trying to find others who are like me, trying to bond, and that the extreme feelings are just a by-product.

Or I could say it's a self-destructive urge. Consuming and being consumed. And that maybe I need the up and down and the extremes and the emotions that I have so long tried to suppress. Maybe it is normal and hiding away won't work in the long run because humans are meant to have emotions.

But I don't know. I don't know why I am like this, and I don't know if it's normal or not or if I should worry about it or not. There are so many things going through my head, so many questions and thoughts, and I never get to think any of them all the way to the end. I never get to a solution, or at least to a theory. There are only ever questions and more questions, fleeting thoughts, incomplete ideas and possible interpretations.

And I wonder if it would help me if I had the time and the patience to write them down, one after the other, all the fleeting thoughts, and to think about them and follow them through till the end. If it would give me a solution or if not a solution, if it would give me some rest. Or if I'd find that I need help sorting them out and following them through. Which would be fine too, at least it would be some sort of realisation, and somewhere to start from. Right now there's only a dead end.