Ravenous Maverick

Category: Me about me | 7 Comments | Posted 14:59

mav·er·ick
n.

1. An unbranded range animal, especially a calf that has become separated from its mother, traditionally considered the property of the first person who brands it.
2. One that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group; a dissenter.

As I was walking home from somewhere the other day, I was looking at the cute little terraced houses in our street and thought to myself "Who knows, maybe one day I will own one of those"... but I immediately felt that this was extremely unlikely, not so much because at the moment I can't imagine ever finding a job that will pay enough for me to make a living (though that is a serious issue too), but because owning a house and settling down is not something I desire to do at any point in my life.

The question is though, what do I want for myself? I seem to be pretty sure about what I don't want - a boring job, a family, a life in Luxembourg, conformity, routine... I don't however seem to have any concrete ideas about what I do want. The idea was, when I moved back here, to find out just that - to find 'myself' and my path, and then walk that path. I realised pretty much straight away that this wasn't at all easy, so I decided to give myself some extra time by finishing this dissertation that I truly loathe. But that is only delaying the final decision really, and I will have to find out some time soon.

And provided I do find a path that I like - what if it is simply not feasible? What if the world doesn't cater for people like me? I am aware that my ideal life - doing absolutely nothing while having loads of money to spend - is an unattainable illusion. But even something less unrealistic, even a serious attempt at leading a life that is halfway accepted by society, and that allows me to do at least some of the things I like - even that could be well beyond my reach.

I love Brighton, I really do. I think if there's any place I'd wanna spend my life, it's here. So I've found the perfect place. That's cool. But I could also see myself living elsewhere for a while. I would love to live in New York for a year or two, and I'd also like to go back to Paris again. And also Hong Kong - why not Hong Kong? But of course all of that is easier said than done. If I could just pack all my belongings into a big suitcase and set off, with no ties and no worries, no real concerns about whether I will have enough to live on the next month, it would be perfect. I'd be all over the place.

But turns out it's not quite like that... I have loads of stuff tying me down. Every change, every move is a huge issue, there are people involved, things that need moving, or looking after, or arranging... and then of course there's the even more important issue of settling down at the new place. Jobs are scarce, and moving about is risky. And even if I did manage to find a job that covered my expenses, it would only be temporary and the next move (and my ever increasing age) would bring even more risks.

So basically I have no idea where my life is going. And apparently I'm kinda getting past the age where that should still be an issue. I have all these people telling me "you're not a teenager anymore, you're 26, you have to grow up" - and basically I don't want to grow up, EVER. But it seems the world kind of expects you to... I do have certain standards, and I suppose that is one of the main problems - I won't be able to combine my life style with my living standards - unless I win the lottery or something equally unlikely.

So... to sum it all up: I am at a complete loss. Maybe I should just lower my expectations. Like, a whole lot.