Wednesday April 14, 2004

Why it's so complicated

Category: Me about me | 13 Comments | Posted 12:39

I just got thinking about this while reading through other people's diaries and, well, just thinking (instead of writing dissertation). I've often enough mentioned my well-documented paranoia. I'm not the only one who has this problem, in fact I believe that most of us are paranoid/suspicious at least to some degree, but I guess I'm a more extreme case. Sometimes when people do something (or omit to do something) completely innocuous that no one else would give a second thought about, it will utterly convince me they do not like me, or have grown tired of me, or find me annoying, or want rid of me.

Because I am aware this is a problem of mine (and not of those other people), I can often talk myself out of it after a while, or I can get other friends to talk me out of it, or if the person in question does something reassuring the next time I speak to them I feel better again and overcome my fears. But it still inhibits me and also influences my behaviour towards others, and probably makes me act in ways that make little sense to others and can be seen as rather inconsistent. And exhausting. And sometimes scary.

I used to be (and still am to a large degree) very restrained in my show of affection - I rarely tell people how I really feel about them and this is mainly because I am scared of rejection. For if you don't tell someone you love them, what does it matter if they don't love you back. It's a matter of pride, which is another one of my problems. All the same, I am still (more or less openly) demanding constant attention and reassurance or the old paranoia will flare up again. I guess that makes me rather high maintenance sometimes.

To make matters worse, my paranoia makes it very hard for me to accept affection when I do get it. Since I am convinced people don't really like me, they must be either taking the piss or they want something from me and are being nice to me out of sheer calculation, so I then often react with a sort of cynical disbelief or even outright aggression. I have been working on this very hard as I know from the past that people have found this frustrating, but still I can't quite overcome it. This applies especially to people who give me the sort of confusing mixed signals that fuel my paranoia.

I guess my jealousy and possessiveness are somehow linked to my paranoia too. Since I am barely worth my friends' attention, every other person in their entourage is a huge threat to me: soon enough they will like them better and spend time with them and leave me to myself. Every moment they spend with them instead of me proves to me that they're not interested in me anymore. I cannot overstate the extremity of this: if someone has spent all night talking to me and then turn around to chat to someone else for 10 minutes, I immediately see this as the ultimate irrefutable proof that they have now abandoned me forever and love this person much much more than they have ever loved me (as I said, I can snap out of this after a while, but at that moment, that is how I feel and nothing else will make sense).

So, to sum it all up, I am needy, clingy, dependent and unable to form a healthy relationship that isn't extremely intense and exhausting (and I mean this in a friendship sense, since I don't want a proper relationship anyway - and can you see why?). So I'm thinking again maybe it would be easier to just not form any bonds with people. I don't miss friends when I don't have any. I do however miss them when I have them but they're not there for me. So without friends would be better. But annoyingly enough I seem to just slip into these friendship situations without noticing, and by the time I realise what I've got myself into it's too late and I'm already dependent on that person. Ja. So here you have a nice long self-critical entry for a change. Now to the dissertation.

  Comments

Posted by: d at Wed April 14, 2004 16:27

Posted by: Clarissa at Wed April 14, 2004 19:07

Posted by: The BML at Wed April 14, 2004 21:00

I sometimes feel that way too, and I think it's quite normal, part of human nature too. No one wants to be abandoned. But it seems you have some great friends, right? The difficult part is just to put things into the right context to see how things really are. Good luck on the dissertation by the way, how's it going? I'm reading Mulisch at the moment 'The Discovery of Heaven' and it's all stuffed up with Mulisch' knowledge about everything and anything, I think he's just showing off his intelligence lol.

Posted by: Evelien at Wed April 14, 2004 21:14

@ BML Me.

@ Evelien, the dissertation's not going too well, but hopefully soon I'll have more energy. And yeah I do have great friends.

Posted by: Clarissa at Wed April 14, 2004 21:16

Wammy, your pulling an Aly again!

waaaa!

Posted by: Kal at Wed April 14, 2004 22:53

LMAO.
No that entry was very un-Ally.

Posted by: Clarissa at Wed April 14, 2004 22:55

Although I believe much of what you write are very common/"normal" things to think, I'm very impressed by how you managed to get it all down in such a clear manner. I fully understand, and can relate to about 80% of it myself.

>>To make matters worse, my paranoia makes it very hard for me to accept affection when I do get it. Since I am convinced people don't really like me, they must be either taking the piss or they want something from me and are being nice to me out of sheer calculation, so I then often react with a sort of cynical disbelief or even outright aggression.

I believe it's very possible to tell someone one likes them without it being part of a well calculated viscious scheme to achieve something.

urm... yeah

have a nice day!

Posted by: d at Thu April 15, 2004 8:25

@ d.

>> I believe it's very possible to tell someone one likes them without it being part of a well calculated viscious scheme to achieve something. <<

I know it is, and I'm not as cynical as to always think or feel like this. It's more of an unconscious thing. If someone goes at me, I'll "feel" (rather than think) "why is s/he being nice to me?" and I'll reply rather than . Sometimes.

Posted by: Clarissa at Thu April 15, 2004 10:48

I know it is, and I'm not as cynical as to always think or feel like this. It's more of an unconscious thing. If someone goes at me, I'll "feel" (rather than think) "why is s/he being nice to me?" and I'll reply rather than . Sometimes.

HA! Remember when I told you I didn't know what to say when people went at me so I just ended up ing or ing? And you said I should just or instead. Is kind of the same thing.


And re entry, as d said I can relate to most of this. I get paranoid too (obviously ), I think the biggest difference between us is that when I get paranoid I give up or hide, instead of getting more possessive or more intense.

and I mean this in a friendship sense, since I don't want a proper relationship anyway - and can you see why?).

Maybe that's what you need? A real relationship. Then you'll have one person who cares more about you than anyone else and you're always their top priority. In friendships you will never get that. You always have to share the person with other people.

Posted by: Jar Jar at Thu April 15, 2004 12:00

>> Is kind of the same thing.

Ja, typical case of easier said than done. Or "do as I say, not as I do". You gave me advice last night that you also couldn't necessarily follow yourself.

>> Maybe that's what you need? A real relationship

No no that's just too scary. I would never believe that anyone could care more about me than anyone else, so the jealousy would kill me. With friends I can tell myself that it's just me being stupid when I become paranoid.
Besides, even in a relationship people aren't always each other's top priority. Things are just toooo complicated.

Posted by: Clarissa at Thu April 15, 2004 12:20

I feel that way too sometimes

Posted by: Dee at Thu April 15, 2004 12:42

@ Dee.

Posted by: Clarissa at Thu April 15, 2004 14:38