Resolution

Must stop talking about wanking.

Fragile

I've been walking around all day,
Thinking.
I think I have a problem,
I think I think too much.
I've been taught to hold back my tears,
And avoid them.
But you make pain into something I could touch.

I've been walking around all day,
Laughing.
I think I'd be better off without you here.
And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over.
So I'll cry and people will stop and stare.
Now that's okay.
Let them stop and stare.

Cause I am fragile.
I am hopeless.
I'm not perfect.
But I am free.

I've been walking around all day,
Waiting.
And waiting is all I seem to do.
Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it.
But this time i'll just have to.
Yeah this time i'll just have to.

And I'm fragile.
I am hopeless.
I'm not perfect.
But I am free.

Say you're not around, Am I finished?
If you're not around, thats too bad.
Hope youre safe and sound, not alone now.
Cause you know I believe in you.

I'm still fragile,
I'm still hopeless,
I'm not perfect,
But I am free.

(Maria Mena)

One of THEM entries...

... you know, them "did this then did that" ones. Not done one of them in a while it seems. So what did I do... Tuesday I went to Coventry as planned. Was nice weather, was ok trip (not too boring). I bound and handed in my dissertation, and I visited people @ my old job. I actually bound it there (for free, hehe). They're cute. They suggested I move back to Coventry (my old job is still available...) but er yeah, not too tempting.

Wednesday I wasted much time online chatting and conducting a most amusing survey about men's porn possession and wanking habits, the results of which I am not allowed to publish because I would be compromising my test persons. I also tidied the house and cut myself drying a glass. I'll spare you the pics tho. (um most people have seen them already anyway lol)

Ja then I went into town to pick up the lovely Vega, and we had a great time drooling over the Bulge. We also called VegaPet aka Sara aka Grudge (the LMP bitches made me! LOL) and actually spoke to her and she's alive and all. Also cute!

Today... I chatted and read and did some more amusing wanking research and wasted time online, which I am now allowed to do because no more dissertation, woo! I bought newspapers for job ads, but haven't looked at them yet. Oh and I got moaned at again for playing loud music - at 9.30 in the morning! Stupid upstairs prick!

That's all.

I was gonna grow up today

clarissa (2:49:04 PM): I may be obsessed, but I don't want people to think I'm this lone freak with no taste
clarissa (12:19:07 AM): I could try & become Lo-obsessed instead
clarissa (12:20:43 AM): but how to live without obsessions?
clarissa (12:21:03 AM): I need SOMETHING to waste my life on
clarissa (12:06:09 AM): you don't know half of my problems
clarissa (12:35:15 AM): aye but all of it requires so much more than I can offer
clarissa (4:47:03 PM): but why? what is there to do? no I do nothing to change it because whenever I try I fail
clarissa (1:46:04 AM): well there you go. and I have no self discipline

So fucking annoying

I suddenly get extremely tired at the PC, so decide to go to bed... then I lie there wide awake and can't sleep for another 2 hours.

Done this 3 nights in a row now. Well fuck it, this time you ain't gonna get me! I'll just stay here until I collapse or sth!

[edit 0:57] Meh, I'm going to bed.

I wonder...

... if Lauryn Hill's second kid will ever be jealous of her brother cuz he's had one of the most amazingly beautiful love declarations written for him?

Whoooooo!!!!

I am (yet again) going to Nooooooooorway!!!!!!!!
MAP MAP MAP MAP MAP
3rd-8th October!!!! (smiley overkill I know)

Oh and I'm looking forward to tomorrow when we'll hopefully have the pics of the devastation Frances will have caused. I love natural disasters.

Work was shit today, am pissed off at them. But before work I went for a long walk, got a bit of a tan, some pictures taken, saw my cemetery again, and had a generally fab time. Tomorrow the experience shall be repeated!

PS daniel pretending to be squiZZ looks like Brian.

I hate d

And I am glad he will be gone for a while.
What a fabulous week it will be!

EGGS!!!!

Give me eggs!! More eggs!!! NOW!!!!! I love eggs. I've also recently rediscovered milk. Maybe I should go live on a farm.

I went for another 2.5hr walk today. Whitehawk-Woodingdean-Rottingdean-Marina. Was fun. And I filled in yet another application form for yet another job I know I will not get. Why do I bother? You tell me.

I am so bored. Bedtime methinks. Anyone wanna go to work for me tomorrow? 1pm-8pm. I will be eternally grateful. Leave me a comment.

Deserves a quiet night

Nightswimming of course.
I finally bought REM's video collection today. Good choice. Some great videos I hadn't yet seen. E-Bow The Letter, which is one of my favourite songs of theirs, has a very nice video which fits the song really well - at least how I see it. Daysleeper less so, but Nightswimming is great too. And they like green in their videos. *hehe* And there's of course one of the greatest videos ever made, Everybody Hurts. *swoon*

I also bought Season 3 of Family Guy so I could finally drool over Brian again. Been watching some of that too but is weird without a squiZZ. Of course Brian is still delightful and Stewie an annoying little brat.

That was my day. Oh I cleaned the kitchen. I was gonna be creative.. I've wanted to be creative for days now.. but somehow my creative juices have been exhausted in some funny-poem-writing on PLOP.

God I really have nothing to say. Forgive me.

Best laugh I've had today

Wam: "Michael has a disability. That is why he says the things he does and acts the way he does." ah
Pet®: who's michael?
Wam: Jackson
Pet®: no, he's just a paedophile
Pet®:
Wam:

It's been a long time...

I squiZZ.

(previously...)

Wishlist

A few days ago my MAP asked me to do a wishlist entry... I thought it was a rather fun idea... until it turned out she only wanted suggestions for a present and I got no ideas for that anyway... but I'll do the wishlist anyway. Brace yourselves, this will be long.

Welcome to Sussex!

What a great day I've had! It was sunny & warm & wonderful so I decided to (finally) hire a scooter and cruise around a little. I had a fabulous time and saw many wonderful things, and I'm gonna share them with you!

(warning: massive picture entry! *hehe*)

Tonight...

mmmmmmhhhh waist.....

mmmmmmhhhh neck......

[rough summary]

We rang Prue. 25mins. We love her.

I didn't get to ring my Pet®. I love him. I wasn't happy. But is ok now.

We tried to make a video. But failed miserably.

I was on the phone... again... and again... as it goes. Was ok.

We chatted and stuff (my flatmate and I). Was fun. We love arguing.

Some things sucked. Some things always suck. I want my Mon.

All in all I can't complain. Tomorrow, maybe, if I get the time (amid all the job applications), I will show you what I got. Just to make you jealous.

PS Oh yeah, 9/11 eh. Well blabla. Don't vote Bush.

The fun and the less fun

Hokay, here's the last entry for a while... since I will be off to Paris tomorrow (woo!) and so on.

I heart Mark!

Ja so you know I called in sick and all... cuz I wanted to do all those job applications... and when I did, Mark (the duty manager) was like "oh but we already have 3 people off work, is it really that bad, can't you take some painkillers, have you been to a doctor's with those headaches, please try to make it in" blabla so I felt bad and went to work anyway. I was slightly annoyed that he didn't seem to believe me but well ja.

Then when I got there Mark was all "are you ok, how you feeling, thanks for coming in, if you feel worse give me a shout and I'll let you go home", very sweet. Then later on he came up to me and went "what's your favourite chocolate?" and I said "Galaxy " (without the drooling)... so he comes back with this massive bar of Galaxy to thank me for coming in despite my "horrible headache"!!! How fucking cute is that!? Esp. cuz my headache (I do have one!) was not even worth mentioning.

So ja I think I wanna marry Mark. I have to find out what his surname is tho, don't wanna be called something stupid. *lol*

Me again

OMFG y'all have to download/watch this video (1212KB, Quicktime), it's soooo incredibly funny!!!!!

[edit 1:17] Last update... ja so I'm finally all packed (didn't take that long, but I was online until 0:30 or so)... I have 4hrs left to sleep but will probably be less in practice cuz I never sleep too well before a trip. Ah well I'm used to it. I have 2 cans of Red Bull. I found my Lauryn CD btw! OK byeeee... Paris here I come! [/edit]

Mainly Paris... some other stuff

OMFG this thing is so slow so slow so slow. My mum is supposed to have ISDN... but even if I block both her phonelines to get the full 128k ( don't tell her) it still feels like 28k!! Seriously, I can't believe it! And it's not just cuz I am used to broadband, there must be sth wrong with this. *sigh* Couldn't resist installing Yahoo tho. (well, is downloading now... 25%....) BTW I keep getting the crappiest spam comments... no email, no URL, no link in the actual comment, just one plain text sentence... how stupid are those people?! *lol*

Anyway. I am in Lux and have decided to do a quick diary entry about Paris, mainly to remind myself what we did... cuz we were discussing what we did last year and could only remember about half and I said "no problem, I have it all in my diary so I can tell you when we get home"... so ja. Sorry if this is boring for most of you but ja - my webspace etc. Skip it if you want.

So it was fun. Always is fun cuz Paris is the most amazing place ever, as I keep repeating over and over. So... I arrived Sunday 12.30ish, an hour earlier than expected because I drive like a madwoman (as everyone knows)... so we settled in, bought a "What's On" and decided what we wanted to go see. Wasn't that much that interested us actually (far less than last year)...

So Sunday we went to see a photo exhibition at the Catacombes, then saw the actual Catacombes themselves (basically vast underground galleries where they dumped the bones of all their dead in the 18th & 19th centuries because there was no space left in the cemeteries... really quite impressive. I took pics, will show when I get home)... then we were gonna go see an exhibition about the liberation of Paris (60yrs ago this summer so it's been all over the place), but we realised we were gonna be late to meet Caroline (friend of mine with whom we were gonna have dinner) so we skipped that and just went to the Montparnasse cemetery to see some graves I'd missed last time (Gainsbourg and Baudelaire for those who are interested, which I expect will be... nobody).

Ja so then dinner with Caroline which was very much fun. Corean restaurant. Lots of girly talk (tho my mum is hardly a girl but according to Caro she is "sooo cool and soooo much fun") and other stuff. Quite a bit of alcohol consumed too. Caro showed us the very very cute flat she has in the Marais which costs about 3 times what mine did (the one I had in Paris, not the one we have now).

Monday then... ah ja, we did like a guided tour of the Ile St.Louis and its secret little courts and gardens and staircases and other cool stuff. The guide was a bit of a prick but it was very interesting. We learnt lots of new things! Then in the afternoon we went to see lots of fun photo exhibitions about Peru, Burma, India (had nice Indian tea) and paintings by a Taiwanese artist... then I went in search of the Protège Moi single (Placebo you freaks), but they didn't have it... instead it started raining so we got frustrated (and wet) and went home to the hotel and had a rest. Then the usual... dinner, walking around Paris in the dark for a while etc.

Tuesday... two liberation of Paris exhibitions (ja that was a bit much for one day I admit) and a veeery cool art exhib called Pain (Bread) Couture with creations by Jean-Paul Gaultier made out of bread and dough, as well as danish pastries and baguettes "designed" by him (which you could buy and eat - the croissants were delicious!!!). Um I think that was it. Tuesday night... mainly walking around, we saw the cute sparkling Eiffel Tower (yeah still from the millenium celebrations - they kept it on and my mum had never seen it. Will show you film) and had a quick bite.

Wednesday my mum went to her beloved Galeries Lafayettes while I met up with Caroline again and we went for a walk along the Canal de l'Ourcq which wasn't THAT interesting but was fun chatting anyway, and I bought two wonderful items of clothing (lol not sure what to call them. One frilly aquamarine shirt and one quit long chinese... thing. Could be dress, or thin coat, or long top).

Then met up with my mum... and half an hour later realised I still had Caroline's keys!! (she'd given them to me cuz she had no bag) She had no mobile on her and no idea where to find us... and we didn't know where she'd be by this time either... so all we could do was walk to her flat again, hope that she'd be there and if not, give the key to the caretaker or sth. We were quite worried - she'd had nothing with her, only her tube card and a little bit of money, and had an appointment at the doctor's a little later. Um yeah... just as we reached her flat, my phone went and it was her from her landline, so I immediately went "oh so you managed to get in??" and she was like "um yeah we had to break the lock" and I went "oh. We're right outside your door". Great timing. *cough*

After that little adventure we went to see another exhibition (photographs by Henri Cartier-Bresson & others inspired by the surrealist movement)... and then drove home. The end. Oh yeah my Lara has been acting a bit weird lately (she kinda has the hiccups) but she brought us home safe. Let's hope she'll take me back to the UK too... then I'll have someone look after her.

My mum's too cute, I was giggling earlier while reading squiZZsite and she went "so what you doing?? I never laugh when I'm online" and I was like "well you don't read my friends' diaries..." LOL. And then she came up to me (I was on my own site by then) and she went "wow, so I can access all of that too if I know how??" and I was like "ummm, yes!?" and she went "oh cool. I wouldn't mind seeing your face from time to time" (the I love Mark pic you know) and I was like " yeah but this is like my personal diary, you're not allowed to read that anyway" and she went "oh, why, do you slag me off in there?" and I went "um, well, it has occurred in the past..." so she went "pffft, well I don't wanna see your face anyway"

Ja I think that's pretty much it. Tomorrow I will go buy my mobile.. and meet up with Martine... and visit my horsey... and have dinner with Gaby... and do some other stuff but can't remember now. This PC is slow and annoying. Ah and Swiss keyboards suck. Damn this is one hell of a long entry. Was "quick" the word I used? Ah well. I'm off. Hope I didn't bore you too much. (and if I did - screw you, I don't bloody care!!!)

So totally not worth it

Don't tell me you want out of this
Don't say it's time for us to quit
Don't say goodbye, this can't be it
Baby please, 'cause it's not worth it

You came into my life
And it's so funny
How you made everything right
And now you're saying to me
Something ain't right
What did I do?
Did I hurt you?
Baby can you tell me
How to dry your eyes
But let me say
I never meant to make you cry
If anything I meant to
Be right by your side
How did I go wrong?
When my love was strong
And all it ever wanted was you

If I can ease the pain
Whatever it takes to
That is what I'll do
Why do you feel this way
Baby you don't have to
'Cause I am here for you

Don't tell me you want out of this
Don't say it's time for us to quit
Don't say goodbye, this can't be it
Baby please, 'cause it's not worth it

You mean the world to me
And all I do is try to give you all of me
I never do anything that wouldn't be pleasing to you
I never knew that you were hurting
And I'll take the blame for anything that I've done
That has caused you pain
I never meant to hurt you in any way
So this day, I wanna say
Baby please forgive me

If I can ease the pain
Whatever it takes to
That is what I'll do
Why do you feel this way
Baby you don't have to
'Cause I am here for you

Don't tell me you want out of this
Don't say it's time for us to quit
Don't say goodbye, this can't be it
Baby please, 'cause it's not worth it

Don't wanna see you this way
What must I do to make it all brand new
Let me take the pain away
Anything for you, 'cause baby I love you

[end of Brandy song, beginning of entry]

I miss my Prince like hell, but I don't know what to do about him.
There is nothing to do. Not now anyway. Just bear and cry.
I also really miss my Pet, but I can't put him in a horse trailer anyway.
And my Angel, but luckily I will see her soon.
Aaah sometimes life just.... SUCKS doesn't it?! How refreshing!

What an exciting life I lead!

I am back home!!!! And I brought loads of stuff (some of which I may show you later). I have the flat to myself thank God, so I could just dump all my bags in the hallway - I expect they will remain there until 1hr before my flatmate's return on Monday.

Hm yeah so my stay in Luxembourg was.... interesting. I managed to wreck my mum's PC the very first night I was there so had to reinstall XP... and basically the first day I was using it I caught some nasty trojan or sth... I honestly don't know how on earth this was possible unless someone specifically targeted my mum's PC as soon as it was back online... or that it actually came with one of the installation CDs. But there it was.

So yeah that kept annoying me - and obviously freaked out my mum no end (she'd had viruses before too, and you know how the whole PC thing scares her anyway)... plus I'd ordered REM tickets that morning (woooo, BML Me and I will go see REM in July next year - ages yet I know but exciting nonetheless) so obviously I wasn't too happy myself... so I blocked my credit card (which means I have to re-register the new one with PayPal yet again, and also re-order Launch...).

PLUS of course I had to change all my passwords... well I didn't have to but chose to anyway cuz paranoid... but I've decided that's actually a good thing since it was long overdue (been using the same ones for sth like 6yrs) and I've thought up some really cool ones on my way here (definition of a cool password: they-re impossible to work out but easy for me to remember, they're made up of letters AND numbers, they SOUND funky AND one has a reference to Mon and one has one to squiZZ)... so yeah. This is like a huge thing... a new chapter of my onlineness has begun. *lol*

What else... I got everything done, I have new brakes for my rollerblades, new windscreen wipers for my Lara, I actually washed and waxed my Lara (!), I bought loads of clothes, I saw my Prince, Martine, Claire and her cool dog named Voodoo, Gaby, Chantal... and I didn't once switch on my TV (mind you, I did have a fucked up PC to take care of). Oooh and of course I got a new mobile, it is very confusing still as it's my first non-Siemens ever... its name is Sam(uel) the Sony(Ericsson), after Samuel Taylor Coleridge (don't ask).

Oh yes, remember the Schommers aka the Bastards - owners of the Riding School where I used to spend all my time? The ones telling all those imaginative lies about me after I left - from "she smokes dope" to "she seduces our son's girlfriends in the shower" and "she went on hunger strike so we would take her back"? And then that most outrageous one - "she threatened to accuse me of sexual abuse if I didn't give her what she wanted" (whatever that was, he never specified). Well they're still at it. I've been gone over four years now and Robert Sr still seems to hold this irrational grudge against me. I don't get it - I honestly don't. We had a turbulent relationship I admit, but I can't understand how he can still be that  bent on giving me grief. I was so fucking mad when I heard about this I thought about doing sth really nasty in return (I'd have enough to go on) but I dunno if I can still be bothered now. Maybe I'll google-bomb them. I know it would be stooping to their level but hell, I could sue them for slander with the stuff they've come up with!

My mum and I had another massive argument last night (I've toyed with the idea of calling this entry "I loathe my mother" - might give me some more nice referrals), which started with her telling me I'm fat (therefore ugly) and she's ashamed of being seen in public with me (and that my fatness may be one reason I can't find a job - you've gotta laugh) and ended with her saying I'm a failure (yes thanks for reminding me mum, I knew that anyway). It was fun.

Good thing is, it doesn't affect me at all anymore. I don't care if she thinks I'm ugly, I stink, that I've made all the wrong choices, that my friends should emigrate to the moon, that she feels she has to be ashamed of me... I honestly don't give a flying fuck. I'm not out to impress her - I have people who stand by me and support me and just cuz she's my mother doesn't mean I have to bend over backwards to make her happy - she ain't ever gonna be happy anyway, no matter what. If she won't get her stomach ulcers from my abysmal failure, she'll get them from something else.

Ja so the end yet again. Well there was another fucking long entry. Maybe pictures later. Now I must change passwords, read diaries, watch DVDs, check messageboards, chat to people, play with mobiles and other fun stuff. *hehe* Then go to work. *sigh* Byeee.

Sarafina

... is an amazing & very moving film. Which I watched tonight for the first time in over six years (thanks to my Pet® who ordered it for my birthday).
Sarafina the girl is played by the gorgeous Leleti Khumalo.

Biiig picture update!

Paris, Luxembourg, presents, clothes... (20 pics & 2 videos)

Bored, tired and squiZZobsessed

Mhm hence the return of the hands. I wanted smileysquiZZ but then he goes and all. Dunno why I'm so very obsessed again all of a sudden. He's very yum tho.

Today was manic at work. No idea where all them people came from. I am liking my Samuel tho, except you can't define your own sounds for txt messages. Very annoying. Rest is cool tho, esp. all the sexy squiZZpics I've transferred to it... ahem sorry. Bluetooth works too which is great (on the PC I mean. Never used to). Tomorrow I'll go into town and get T-Mobile to set up MMS, Internet and all that for me (hopefully). I'll also collect my present from Lo. And buy a new microwave cuz ours is fucked and generates scary sparks.

I have seven more jobs to apply for. Deadlines are 22nd, 23rd & 24th. Should keep me busy, that. Didn't do any of it today obviously. *sigh* Um yeah. I vacuumed a spider yesterday. First one I've seen in here since January. Our flat is a tip. May tidy tomorrow. Now... bed. No Apartheid entry as you can see... maybe later. Maybe never. *yawn* Night. Oh, and I want my Mon back (don't you love my delightfully annoying habit of repeating myself ad nauseam).

I would slit my wrists first

(the title is a Michael Jackson quote. the entry is from a convo with soon-to-be-my d)

Wam : you know when I have my "extreme" phases (as in, extreme moods), I do stuff that I don't understand 30mins/5hrs/2days later...
Wam : like SAYING things.... reacting in ways that I don't usually do.. doing crazy stuff like going for a walk into the sea at 1am
Wam : I wonder if I'll ever get extreme enough to kill myself in one of those phases
Wam : no maybe not... but it's all so spontaneous and... impulsive
Wam : and I've been SO close... and maybe all that kept me from it was that I did not feel quite crap enough
Wam : and personally I believe that quite a few suiciders... very many in fact... act on impulse like that
Wam : do you think there is a suicidal person and a non-suicidal person?
Wam : or that EVERYONE is capable of suicide if the occasion is given?

I want to have....

... earphones implanted in my ears. (!) (well.... where else really?!)

d is not taking me seriously, but I am not joking!! I would actually do this! Bluetooth or something. So I could listen to music ALL THE TIME, even where it is not allowed (work) or impolite (when with people)... how bloody amazing would that be.

And I'd have a 100GB hard drive in my uterus (useless waste of space anyway) and a USB port coming out of my vagina. Might get a bit messy once a month.

See now you all think I am taking the piss. I really mean it!!! About the bluetooth earphones. Maybe I could be a prototype?

Discrepancy

Today I should have...
- applied for 2-3 jobs
- cleaned the kitchen
- tidied up my room
- sent a parcel
- washed my hair

Today I have...
- chatted to people
- posted evil stuff on MJNI

I am not happy with myself.

I own a bully

My delectable but very bossy (temporary) property daniel won't let me go to bed. He has also demanded that I update. I don't have much to say. I have the beginning of a cold, very annoying. It also IS cold. Summer's over. Depressing.

Oh but I have a job interview next week. That's good at least. And a craving for milk. I also have a Pet®, a Lo, a Mon, a BML, a Tom, a Matty, a Brian and an Angelina. I am doing well. Oh and BA have great offers on long haul flights. The travel bug is itching. Now shall I go to Hong Kong, New York, Sydney, Johannesburg or Beirut?

End of entry. May I go to bed now, oh property?

PS Pretty.

WOO-fucking-HOO!

Heeheeheehee...

(should you be retarded and uninformed, those are 3 tickets for the Placebo concert on the 5th of Nov... one for my Mon, one for my Lo, one for myself. they've just been delivered so thought would share my excitement)

Summer's gone

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.
I meant, the first day of autumn.

Oh and I've passed my MA. You know, "the" dissertation. Got a 2-1.
This was gonna be a longer entry at first but meh.

Funny convo tho:
Me: "Even rang my mum tho she didn't deserve to know (have also spoken to her about the whole issue.... hm ja)"
BML Me: "Ooooh, what did she say? The only reason you managed to finish it was because you're 'fat'?"
Well it made me laugh.

We accept the love we think we deserve

I've just started reading The Perks of being a Wallflower and found that quote. It's very cool and reminds me of some of the discussions I've had with Craig. I don't seem to be the only one who likes it as a Google search shows.

The same guy who said the above (in the book) also asks the protagonist: "Do you always think this much, Charlie?" As Maria Mena says...
I think I have a problem,
I think I think too much.
Heh. So instead of thinking I'll go lie in bed and read some more.

[edit 23:15] I fancy the black guy from the 3rd floor. This afternoon I thought about asking David if he (black guy not David) has a girlfriend and maybe posting Alicia Keys' "You Don't Know My Name" through his door but then thought "wtf am I thinking, I don't do relationships anyway." [/edit]

Funstuff!!!

Finally!! The Official God FAQ!!!

Veeeery cute Helium (with gloomy Strindberg hehe).

Freaky story (Flash, kinda long but cool).

No matter what I do

d : ah the drama
Wam : yes I find it highly entertaining too when I am not involved
Wam : watch the trees burning
d : it's beautiful
Wam : yeah I guess
Wam : but I specialized in paper trees
d : do they burn better?
Wam : I never used to believe that it worked like that in real life too
Wam : it looks nicer
d : they burn faster
Wam : yes but there is less residue

Stuck in time

You know I always have to have something to read when I'm on the toilet? It's this strange habit. Well at the moment all there is in the bathroom is this letter from Seeboard Energy telling us about rates going up and how we can save energy. And it's addressed to me. I've read it about 5 times now (I even sent in for a free set of energy lightbulbs - not on the loo tho). It's really quite boring tho, but a nice introduction to this entry.

I was saying to BML Me yesterday how it still hasn't sunk in that I am grown up. It just doesn't feel right. I don't mean in the MJ-sense of "mature"... I will always remain immature in a way and I think that's a good thing. What I mean is, in the sense of "an adult" with all the boring stuff that comes with it. Rent, jobs, bills, insurance... relying on yourself to do stuff, being your own person basically, in the 'legal' sense maybe.

Maybe I am using the wrong examples. I've paid rent for many years now, because I've been a student since I was 19. And it never really meant I was grown up. I was still a student, mummy's and daddy's little girl, I could never imagine being anything else. And I still can't. Tho I guess I am  by now - I've moved far away, my dad is dead, I don't ask my mum to do everything for me anymore, and tho I rely on BML Me for scary things sometimes, I actually do manage most of those scary grown up things. Not easily, but I manage.

And yet I don't feel it. I am twenty-fucking-seven, that's almost 30, and I keep seeing TV shows about people turning "the big 30" and how it signifies the end of your youth, and they've all had all these grown up experiences already... and I still feel like a teenager. So dependent and wavering and totally not ready for the world at all. The fact that I am sharing a flat, in a foreign country - it's just like uni, it feels so transitory... I just can't get my head round the idea that this would be where I'm supposed to 'end up'.

Now don't comment going 'life is a journey, not a destination' - that's not what I mean at all. I mean one is supposed to one day feel grown up... like an adult. Like an accomplished person, a whole. And I don't feel like that at all. I'm still waiting for things to change, still hoping to arrive somewhere and have that "aah this is where it feels right" realisation. To feel accomplished, like a finished product. Hm I really can't find the words to explain what I mean, I know you'll get it all wrong. Nevermind. Now I'll tidy the lounge.

LABOUR PARTY CONFEREEEENCE!!!

Of course I got it all wrong... I thought it was next weekend or sth. Not sure what I thought but anyway not that it was today.

So today I decided I wanted new shelves.. cuz basically I have too many clothes... so need to move some stuff outta my room... and blabla anyway whatever, I found these at Argos, exactly the same style as the ones I have in here already, so decided to go into town and get them. And was much traffic in town... and very many police... and annoying diversions.... and I suddenly had a moment!

I only had my Samuel (mobile), not my Chloe (digicam) but I decided to stay and go down there of course... first went to get shelves tho, and when I got down to the seafront there was a demo for fair trade going on so I joined in of course! Mainly for the pics tho... unfortunately quality on Samuel is really shit but have a look anyway...

Yeah other than that... well I finally tidied the lounge, set up the shelves of course, I also cleaned up my PC, the hard drives I mean, and chatted as usual. What I did not do is any job-search-related work, nor anything creative. I also forgot to go down to Asda to see if I could find anyone to do next Monday's shift for me. When I'll be in Norway you know. With my MAP. Less than a week from now, did I say? I think Imma stay there.

I'm very torn between "omg I am so excited to see her again" and "waaah will only be 5 days and I wish my friends didn't live so far away cuz I never get to see them so most of the time it's so damn fucking depressing". Yeah just the usual me then eh. squiZZ is , squiZZ is weird, d is , d is weird, I am , I am , whatever...

I urge you to watch this video tho (1318KB, wmv), it's very funny.

Hi, I'm Clarissa... am I not?

Yeah so my Tom asked me tonight if Clarissa was my real name... I kinda thought everyone around here knew that it isn't, but apparently not. So I told him no, and then he asked why Clarissa, and why not real name anyway, and I explained and I thought it would make a good entry to explain to everyone.

Your turn!

Yeah so I'm busy applying for jobs I won't get and can't be arsed to do a proper entry, so you can entertain me. As I announced in previous entry, the question is:

Those of you who've met me, do you think I'm very different on- and offline? If so, how?

Feel free to IM or mail if you don't wanna comment. But reply or I'll kill you!

And the winner is...

I had a cool conversation with Craig today. Was generally interesting but most of it is not meant for general consumption. But some bits are. With his permission.

PS don't forget to comment on the previous entry...

Correction

I do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself do not hate myself.

Happy?

Oh and btw...

Really I do hate myself. (they forced me to edit the previous entry)

I do not know any better. I really tried my best. I'm sorry.

A Photo Entry

Last night I felt pretty shit as you may have gathered from my previous entries. *lol* The first time I felt shit I went and sat one of them things that reach out into the sea that I don't know the name of and listened to music.

I like the sea. It helped. Then after squiZZ had gone to bed and was no longer entertaining me with his hyperness I felt shit again so went for a long walk and listened to music and took lots of crappy but fun Samuel pics. Here are some of them.

Soon Mon...

... soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon soon Mon...