Stuck in time

You know I always have to have something to read when I'm on the toilet? It's this strange habit. Well at the moment all there is in the bathroom is this letter from Seeboard Energy telling us about rates going up and how we can save energy. And it's addressed to me. I've read it about 5 times now (I even sent in for a free set of energy lightbulbs - not on the loo tho). It's really quite boring tho, but a nice introduction to this entry.

I was saying to BML Me yesterday how it still hasn't sunk in that I am grown up. It just doesn't feel right. I don't mean in the MJ-sense of "mature"... I will always remain immature in a way and I think that's a good thing. What I mean is, in the sense of "an adult" with all the boring stuff that comes with it. Rent, jobs, bills, insurance... relying on yourself to do stuff, being your own person basically, in the 'legal' sense maybe.

Maybe I am using the wrong examples. I've paid rent for many years now, because I've been a student since I was 19. And it never really meant I was grown up. I was still a student, mummy's and daddy's little girl, I could never imagine being anything else. And I still can't. Tho I guess I am  by now - I've moved far away, my dad is dead, I don't ask my mum to do everything for me anymore, and tho I rely on BML Me for scary things sometimes, I actually do manage most of those scary grown up things. Not easily, but I manage.

And yet I don't feel it. I am twenty-fucking-seven, that's almost 30, and I keep seeing TV shows about people turning "the big 30" and how it signifies the end of your youth, and they've all had all these grown up experiences already... and I still feel like a teenager. So dependent and wavering and totally not ready for the world at all. The fact that I am sharing a flat, in a foreign country - it's just like uni, it feels so transitory... I just can't get my head round the idea that this would be where I'm supposed to 'end up'.

Now don't comment going 'life is a journey, not a destination' - that's not what I mean at all. I mean one is supposed to one day feel grown up... like an adult. Like an accomplished person, a whole. And I don't feel like that at all. I'm still waiting for things to change, still hoping to arrive somewhere and have that "aah this is where it feels right" realisation. To feel accomplished, like a finished product. Hm I really can't find the words to explain what I mean, I know you'll get it all wrong. Nevermind. Now I'll tidy the lounge.