Sunday September 26, 2004

Stuck in time

Category: Me about me | 11 Comments | Posted 11:47

You know I always have to have something to read when I'm on the toilet? It's this strange habit. Well at the moment all there is in the bathroom is this letter from Seeboard Energy telling us about rates going up and how we can save energy. And it's addressed to me. I've read it about 5 times now (I even sent in for a free set of energy lightbulbs - not on the loo tho). It's really quite boring tho, but a nice introduction to this entry.

I was saying to BML Me yesterday how it still hasn't sunk in that I am grown up. It just doesn't feel right. I don't mean in the MJ-sense of "mature"... I will always remain immature in a way and I think that's a good thing. What I mean is, in the sense of "an adult" with all the boring stuff that comes with it. Rent, jobs, bills, insurance... relying on yourself to do stuff, being your own person basically, in the 'legal' sense maybe.

Maybe I am using the wrong examples. I've paid rent for many years now, because I've been a student since I was 19. And it never really meant I was grown up. I was still a student, mummy's and daddy's little girl, I could never imagine being anything else. And I still can't. Tho I guess I am  by now - I've moved far away, my dad is dead, I don't ask my mum to do everything for me anymore, and tho I rely on BML Me for scary things sometimes, I actually do manage most of those scary grown up things. Not easily, but I manage.

And yet I don't feel it. I am twenty-fucking-seven, that's almost 30, and I keep seeing TV shows about people turning "the big 30" and how it signifies the end of your youth, and they've all had all these grown up experiences already... and I still feel like a teenager. So dependent and wavering and totally not ready for the world at all. The fact that I am sharing a flat, in a foreign country - it's just like uni, it feels so transitory... I just can't get my head round the idea that this would be where I'm supposed to 'end up'.

Now don't comment going 'life is a journey, not a destination' - that's not what I mean at all. I mean one is supposed to one day feel grown up... like an adult. Like an accomplished person, a whole. And I don't feel like that at all. I'm still waiting for things to change, still hoping to arrive somewhere and have that "aah this is where it feels right" realisation. To feel accomplished, like a finished product. Hm I really can't find the words to explain what I mean, I know you'll get it all wrong. Nevermind. Now I'll tidy the lounge.

  Comments

Life is a journey, not a destination.

And I've read that bollocking letter like 16 times too.

Posted by: BML The at Sun September 26, 2004 13:33

@ letter.
Put sth else on the chair then.
Not another Glamour out?

Posted by: Clarissa at Sun September 26, 2004 15:25

Um, no not yet. The last one I kept dropping in the bath...

Posted by: BML The at Sun September 26, 2004 18:00

I don't think anyone ever truly feels grown up. We all just go around thinking everyone else does when really they are thinking the same thing about us (if that makes sense)
And anyway you always feel like a kidto someone. Like the way my nan still pats the head of my 40 yr old uncle in a 5yr old way. Just the way it is.
Plus its soooooooooooo much more fun feeling young all the time. I don't like relying on me.too much work and responsibility! (thats something only a 19yr old would say by brother just commented)

Posted by: shaziak at Sun September 26, 2004 20:01

LOLOL well tell your bother I am a 27yr old and I agree with you.

But well yeah... Craig said very much the same thing earlier... We all just go around thinking everyone else does when really they are thinking the same thing about us... but that just makes it weirder. We're all making each other believe one has to grow up and act responsible yet we all feel uncomfortable doing it!? How utterly... WRONG!

Posted by: Clarissa at Sun September 26, 2004 20:06

ello the Citz...

"I know you'll get it all wrong" - that's cos I'm not as old as you.

j/k.... I think it's great you don't feel like an adult yet. That gives me hope! Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.

LMAO @ that letter!

Posted by: Woods at Sun September 26, 2004 22:03

Citz Me? You remember how I wanted to be killed?

Posted by: BML The at Sun September 26, 2004 22:11

Vaguely. Would you like me to do it now?

Posted by: Clarissa at Sun September 26, 2004 22:23

You want to kill yourself because of some letter sitting next to the toilet??


;)

Posted by: Woods at Mon September 27, 2004 17:17

Right. That is IT.

*saws head off with spoon*

Posted by: BML The at Mon September 27, 2004 20:39

Was it something I said?

Posted by: Woods at Mon September 27, 2004 22:15