Hi, I'm Clarissa... am I not?

Yeah so my Tom asked me tonight if Clarissa was my real name... I kinda thought everyone around here knew that it isn't, but apparently not. So I told him no, and then he asked why Clarissa, and why not real name anyway, and I explained and I thought it would make a good entry to explain to everyone.

Um yeah as some/most of you know the name's from the wonderful Nickelodeon series Clarissa Explains It All. I loved the show, I liked the name, and back in 1998 when I started chatting and tried to think of a name I ended up with that one and just kept using it.

At first Clarissa was really just a nickname. I used to be known under my real name online and you'll still find references to it here and there, esp. in relation to an artist I liked years ago. Other than that it's just some horse stuff... and loads of smut by my namesake porn actress!!!!

Because you see, after a while I became really paranoid about having my real name online... it started around the same time as I started posting loads on MJ boards (I used to post under my real name in the MJIFC digests too!)... so around that time I totally stopped using my real name and erased all links to it as far as I could, and asked everyone to do the same. I just didn't wanna be found.

Not that there was that much to go on... I was ex-directory and stuff... but I just wanted that privacy. I wanted online and offline to be separate. Of course some stupid sad obsessed & bored evil immature bastards enjoyed working out my name anyway (which wasn't that hard - 'whois' is all I say) and posting it on the boards. That just proved my paranoia was justified. No one was allowed to know my real name unless I really trusted them... and even then some innocuous jokes about it totally freaked me out.

Looking back I can't quite understand the extremes I took this to. I think I was mainly worried about real life people finding out what I got up to online and using it against me. The riding school bastards were certainly an issue, and so I believe was my father. I do still have that caution, so I still make sure my full name is not posted anywhere in relation to my 'online life' (at least nowhere search engines will pick it up). I wouldn't want any potential employer googling my name and finding... this. 'Lazy cunt' certainly ain't gonna get me a job (tho I guess the porn references they get now might not have the best effect either - hey maybe that's why I still ain't got a job).

But I don't mind people knowing my real (first) name anymore. I mean I do like my name - I think it's pretty cool! Tho for most of them it still feels weird to me if they use it - even in real life. Actually it totally depends. I remember ages ago Dorin kept calling me Clarissa (she didn't know I wasn't) and I felt weird cuz I really liked her and felt I was betraying her. On the other hand when I told Jimmy my real name he kept using it and that really annoyed me cuz I felt he was infringing on my privacy and ignoring my choice to be Clarissa.

BML Me only uses my real name in the presence of others, usually I'm Citz Me to her (so shoot us!) and sometimes Slutface, squiZZ only ever calls me Clarissa or Wambeast (except when he wants to piss me off) cuz he doesn't like my real name. To my Mon I'm Wam(Wam), to Lo I'm Citz, to d Citzy, Jess calls me Clarissa, Prue calls me Baby Citz, to Conquie I'm Citzie, Kal calls me Wam(my) and so on and so forth. Incidentally, I wonder if my Matty knows my real name.

Anyway my point is... um no point. Clarissa has become very much part of me - she's not exactly the same as Myrealname, but Myrealname in time has become so much like Clarissa - mainly I suppose because Online has more and more taken over my life. But I still like to differentiate. When I started at Asda I considered asking to be known as Clarissa to customers (because it creeps me out me when sleazy old guys make a point of addressing me by my name - fuck you you perve, I don't know your name either!), but then realised that would defeat the whole purpose of keeping the two separate.

Sooo there is two of me and I would like to keep it that way just for the sake of it, even tho the two by now are pretty much the same. (Incidentally and unrelatedly, I'd really like to know if those who know me both online and offline think the two are very different... cuz I don't think they are... hm anyway maybe I'll keep that for a later entry!)