(echoing Anne)
Well seeing as it's the first day of the year that doesn't really say much just yet. So I guess that's good. Things can only get better as they say (tho apparently they can get worse too, and they sure as hell will after.. oh nevermind I said I'd stop mentioning it).
Achievements so far this year:
- boring Tobias and Katja (who were kind enough to spend NY's Eve with me) by being my usual unexciting self (well that was before midnight)
- feeling miserable & selfish cuz I'd kinda expected my Mon to be here cuz she had to be home with dogs, but turned out she wouldn't be online cuz she had a Silje
- texting only two people after midnight and one text didn't work cuz my phone sucks and one didn't cuz the network was overloaded
- being very horrible to squiZZ & making him sad(der) cuz of being paranoid and unable to believe him
- offending/annoying Val with my self-absorbtion and inadequacy
- being self-pitying and annoying to other friends and hating myself and wanting to kill myself (but then remembering my Mon and reconsidering)
Conclusion:
I'm not leaving my bed. Today or ever again. I shall watch old Simpsons episodes and read cheesy magazines for the rest of the year. Or the rest of my life even. 
PS Happy New Year and all that shit. (fireworks on Brighton Beach)
*whispers* I love Tay!
[edit] I also love my Mon cuz she has given me the greatest present ever and whenever I hate myself I can open & read it and tell myself that someone at least loves me. 
[/edit]
I'm updating from Mikey. Means I've put him back together and he's working. (Mikey's the desktop ok!?) He's still having more or less the same problems as before, but that was to be expected. The point is, I've taken a PC apart and put it back together and got everything working! 
That was my task for today. Tomorrow I will dye my hair. Until then I will laze about and do nothing at all. Oh alright, I might just be daring and dye my hair today and do the dishes tomorrow! 
But probably not. 
(warning - geek entry!!!!!)
OMG I've just had the coolest experience ever!!!! 
Well a bit scary but also cool, esp. once I found out what it was all about.
Yeah so as you will know if you've read the previous entry, I have rebuilt my Mikey. He doesn't work that well, but he does for bits at a time, so I hooked him up to the LAN. And then decided to install the control panel of our wireless router on him to try and get that damn encryption working again, cuz is a bit worrying without.
And while I was then changing the encryption settings on Tommy, I saw that he detected another WLAN called "Square Mile" (reception was pretty weak but I could still use it to connect). I thought " WTF!? how cool!!! 
" but also " how fucking scary 
" cuz if I can access theirs perhaps they can access ours too (unencrypted since I can't get it working...) . Tho "Square Mile" sounded like one pretty big and powerful WLAN so maybe I need not be worried...
Anyway, I did some research of course and found this: UK Marinas to be served with wireless broadband Internet access by Square Mile International. [...] provision of public WLAN services to boat owners initially across the length and breadth of the UK and expanding internationally through 2003. So if we hang our laptops out the window we can surf for freeeeee!!! Aaand I also assume it means I can go to the beach & go online!!! Which of course I will have to try asap!!!! Why did no one tell me this!?
Now I don't want to move anymore.
I wasn't actually gonna write about this at all cuz everyone else does and there is little new one can say about it. But I have been accused of being cynical (of course) and contradictory (quite possibly) and distasteful (perhaps) and evil (don't think so) so I thought I would take the time to explain my very personal position.
Continue reading "My Tsunami entry (at last?)"
Cool idea shamelessly stolen from Dave's friend Keira (& slightly modified).
Continue reading "2004 - my year in pictures"
(random entry as requested by some people & some others...)
My life is boring and I have nothing much to say. Work today was boring, first cuz it was very busy so I didn't take any calls, then cuz it was very quiet. I got much written tho so the usual victims can expect a letter in the nearish future (will send next weekend). My random flatmate has returned to me, she is currently unpacking and listening to Eminem.
So since I have not much to say myself I shall draw your attention to other people... HeroineGirl for instance who is an amazing person with an incredible writing style. She is really worth reading, and once you've realized how great she is, please vote for her too. *hehe*
Er that's it really. Tay and squiZZ are very cute, did I say? Not in a while right? Oh also check out the latest update on my Sims2 alter ego - and for a good laugh, have a look at the real life version of the Sims version of me. (was that too confusing?)
I have spoken. Happy now? 
This "randomness" category is my doom. It encourages my laziness and my wandering mind and my inability to string together any sort of coherent text. A little piece of this, a little piece of that... who needs contents, style, consistency or anything that makes a text enjoyable or at least readable?
I am picking up some work people's habits as well... this whole hectic & restless thing. Constantly switching back and forth between windows, adding, editing, checking sth else in between, coming back and changing back, fidgeting about with mouse... I am not liking that. I am hectic enough as it is, never satisfied doing just one thing at a time. It's not good for my stomach ulcers I tell ya!
To be honest I am not sure if this job is good for me at all. First off I generally tend to get so worked up about negative things (stupid people included, of which we have many) that it's bound to make me feel really on edge a lot of the time, and secondly (and kinda relatedly) I'm probably gonna end up shouting at them cuz they annoy me so much. And get sacked or sth. Hmm. Ah well nevermind. I'll give it a try.
I listed my first ever item on eBay tonight. It was "5p day" today. I was very excited about this great step until Tay went "serious? I listed my 1st item when I was 13!" - thanks, spoil the fun for me will you. But he helped me lots with all the different options and other stuff, and of course he is also generally adorable... oh ok I will shut up.
I have been reading the Jean Améry book that squiZZ loved so much - I ordered it with my €5 voucher from Amazon.de. I may do an entry about it but I may not cuz the only person even mildly interested would be squiZZ I guess and I doubt he'd wanna know either cuz I don't agree much with Améry (of course).
However I have to say I really enjoy reading a book again that requires a little more mental effort. I barely read non-fiction unless it's academic and I ain't read academic since I finished my dissertation. I am actually taking notes and stuff. It's a bit pathetic in a way but it's also good, and I may just write sth about it just to use my grey matter again. I've also been helping Suha with a (techie, therefore kinda dull) translation and that too is kinda satisfying in that I need to use my brain. I don't want it to wither and die. 
[...] Um yeah I started this entry hours ago and now I've lost the plot.. not that there ever was one, but I've lost inspiration anyway, so I'll just post it as is. Soon I will bed and then it's the weekend. This time next year I will be rich and careless and married to Mark and working for MI6.
Just for d.... this is a happy entry!!!!
Seeee I was right! Either the one or the other... OR a combination! It always works, without fail! I suck too!!! 
Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay Tay
I love Mon.
I love Tay.
I love squiZZ.
I love Lo.
I love Matty.
I love Vega.
I love daniel.
I love random flatmate.
I love Michael Jackson.
I hate me.
Why keep trying?
Why keep pretending?
It's official: I admit defeat.
You've won. Happy?
I don't really feel like elaborating on the previous entry, but of course people have been wondering and worried. Let me assure you: I won't stop blogging and I won't kill myself (other than slowly, the way I have for years). The issue I expressed was that I've had truly enough of this and don't see why I should keep up this pretence of a 'normal' life when I've been getting worse and worse.
For years I've gone from one excuse to the next for my problems - dad died, then shit job, then missing the UK, then no job in the UK.. now it's all more or less sorted and I should be fine, but I'm still the same or even worse. And tho of course I could come up with more excuses - far away friends, missing horsey, stress of moving... really excuses is all they are, hardly a valid explanation.
But I probably won't do anything at all because I'm far too scared to just quit it all and truly embrace the failure I've always been within. This pretence of normalcy is all I have left I guess. And really what's the alternative? Hiding from my problems isn't gonna make me better is it. And I can imagine their disappointed yet smug faces when I finally become what they have always anticipated anyway.
And facing my issues and trying to sort them - hell that's scary, because at the end of that stands that normal life again, and then I'm not supposed to pretend anymore. And I have no recollection at all what that was like. And life is so damn long and every day would be a struggle - and for what?
Oh well. Our former grand duchess died last night so Luxembourg is grieving. Can't say it's affecting me much. Or at all. I didn't even know she had cancer (neither did my mum). Lung cancer of course (she was a chain smoker).
Ah and I've finally been creative again and tried my dark Tshirt transfers. I'm actually quite pleased with the end result (also closeup). Thanks to Lo for the inspiration. 
It means "the devil made me do it" btw. 
Talk about some stupid timing - it's like life slapping me in the face.
I never did blog about this. We were gonna move out in March right? Cuz landlady bitch wouldn't let us terminate contract early. Ok then David caretaker came to see me and said well she'd gladly let us leave early if someone took over and he had someone who wants to move in so yadda yadda all was cool, we decided to aim for end January.
So started looking for flats again. It's a tedious job. Most places are dumps. I contacted the guy again who'd already shown me a flat in December and he had a cute little place 5mins from AmEx and it's actually 2 rooms (tho bedroom tiny) and cute and I thought fuck it and said I'd take it. He had someone else viewing straight after and sent them home.
So he took me to an ATM and I paid the holding deposit (£100) straight away and we agreed on 18th for moving in date. I wasn't over the moon excited, but I was happy I had somewhere and didn't have to look further, and 2 rooms very cool.
Then I came home. Where I was greeted by a random flatmate with the thrilling news that those guys aren't moving in after all cuz they're on housing benefits and landlady bitch won't accept that and they had conveniently "forgotten" to let anyone know. Great. 30mins after I'd handed over 100 quid. Hence slapped in the face by life.
So either I've lost £100... or if I keep the flat I'll have lost much more cuz I pay double rent for 6 weeks. But I've decided - again - to screw it and do just that cuz I like the place and I really can't be arsed doing this whole thing a third fucking time. So I'll be moving as soon as I have a phoneline in the new flat.
Which is exciting after all. Well not the actual moving part, but the having new place part. And the "living 5mins from work" bit. And if I bully my Mon a bit (or a bit much) then maybe she'll come & help me with the move.
... that Dave did and then Mark too.
Continue reading "That survey..."
*sigh*
(Readers beware - this makes absolutely no sense)
You may have a problem when you forget to check for cars before crossing the road. There is the music of course - always the music. You can't hear the cars, so you have to look left and right - maybe left again just before you cross - at least that's what you were taught when you were a kid.
If you don't check and you're on a busy road there's a certain risk you'll get hit by a car. Or maybe the first car will manage to stop in time but the second car won't and will consequently crash into the first one and so on and people will be injured and their cars damaged and they will be delayed and annoyed and it's all because you were too distracted to check for cars before crossing the road.
So you will quickly run off and hope that no one knew or recognized you and you tell yourself it wasn't really your fault, tho you can't really make that work because it was, it really was, there is no excuse, you should have looked but your mind was elsewhere.
So to distract yourself from the chaos you just caused you go to the mall. Everyone goes to the mall. There are shops where you can spend money you don't have, and there are various groups of teenagers hanging about that you can observe and draw amateur conclusions about youth subcultures.
People love to say clever and insightful things about youth subcultures. Usually they are based on their own experiences as teenagers (often a whole generation previously) and the feelings of superiority they draw from them ("back then we were the real thing, look at the little wannabes...").
But you're not like that. You just observe and think wise, detached and only slightly cynical thoughts. You won't buy anything in any of the many shops cuz the rent is due next week so you will leave after a short while. Observing wannabe grownups is entertaining only for a very limited time.
So you go home. The TV is as boring as always so you decide to go to bed, where the guilt of having caused so much distress to so many people devours you. There seems to be only one solution - you have to put an end to your life. The question of how to go about this is soon answered when you find daddy's gun in his bottom desk drawer.
What is the purpose of this blog exactly?! 
[edit] I mean: do I write what I feel and risk annoying people with depression & repetitiveness, or do I aim to entertain & update when people demand an entry & then just write any old shit? [/edit]
of what I meant in previous entry....
I love squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay very much.
This is what I feel like saying now. But my readers will say: how boring, you have said that many times before. And I will say: yes, but this is my blog and I can write whatever I want. Or I can say: ok, you don't wanna read that, so I will write sth else, even tho I don't actually feel like it.
See what I mean?
PS squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay squiZZ Tay !!!!
These days when I feel really shit I go to the beach. Obviously I wasn't always able to do that cuz I didn't always live near the beach. But going to the beach makes me feel - not necessarily better, but it makes me feel something. It helps me put things in perspective.
Tonight I will try to explain what exactly the beach does to me. I will probably be very crap at this.
Continue reading "Thrice removed"
Yes yes this Kal. For sth like 35mins! It was much fun and hopefully it shall be repeated soon (I have his number muahahaha).
I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson I love Michael Jackson
muahahahahahahahaha
I am Jimmy's!
Stolen from Michelle. After this I will sleep I think. Didn't do much today in case you're interested. Watched loads of MJ videos and read and gazed at the sea and chatted and slept. Yesterday I painted and bought Hamish the houseplant. Now the questionnaire. Some of these questions always come back lol.
Continue reading "Yet another questionnaire..."
Why life sucks:
My BT Communicator is not working. The ID is wrong apparently.
I forgot my cheque book so I'll have to go back to the bank tomorrow.
TomTay is very sad. Unsurprisingly. Also quiet.
The weather really really sucks.
My mp3player is buggered.
Why life doesn't suck:
I am going to Norway (again) on the 28th!!
My Lo is coming to see me in March!!!
I got my 1st eBay feedback as a seller & I was highly recommended.
I am getting my new flat tomorrow. Pics to follow.
MJ is very hot, again, as are some other people. 
Honesty. I was reminded of that tonight all of a sudden - what to say and how much to reveal, and various reasons not to say certain things on this blog, and more generally, not to say certain things to certain people... and certain other things to certain other people...
... so I was thinking about who I am being pretty much completely honest to at this point... and I came to the conclusion that it's really just one person, which is my Lo. Other people selectively, but no one knows all, tho my flatmate does to quite an extent, but partly just because of inevitable circumstances.
And I wasn't sure whether or not I should write/post this but then not posting it would be dishonest again... so for once I will be honest. If not about my issues, then at least about who I talk to about my issues. Or not, as the case may be. *lol*
It doesn't have a name yet (so it's an "it" not a "he") but I have considered "Darryl", based on my rekindled Bad obsession. Suggestions welcome. I have a bit of documentation for you tho, 4 pics and a video, download here (566KB) - is a bit empty still but whatever. Yes I know is small, but whatever. It shall be rainbow-themed. So maybe it should have a gay name?
I didn't get BT line cuz they need the name of the previous tenant, ugh. So will have to ring landlord again. But I spoke to Matty today. I am also still Jimmy's. And Ann-Lou!se, who is cute, is proud of me. Mon and Lo are mine, Tay is not here, and I should be paintintg. Life is a strange thing. Goodnight.
Some of you may remember the Creative Writing "Thing" Mon and I started last year... in fact almost exactly one year ago... it was about Being a Rock and can still be found right here. Quite a few people took part and it was great fun!
So this year we wanna do something like that again, but bigger and better! We will find a topic or a title or whatever, and you can express yourself creatively about it whichever way you want - write, draw, paint, take photographs, cook something, build something, anything you can think of!!
Now we need to know how many people would be interested. So please drop us a line in the comments if you think you'd wanna take part. Once we've come up with a topid, the deadline will be far off so you'll have lots of time to come up with something. It would be great if we got lots of participants!
My friends are beautiful. Inside and out.
SOOO I ain't properly updated in a while... mainly because I have nothing to say, and I said as much to anyone complaining. But now I am bored and not tired so I will try to say random things until I wanna sleep. That should cover my update quota for a few days.
Continue reading "Cannot log you in, please retry"
I could find various reasons/excuses why I am so fucked up which would probably sound convincing and plausible to most people.
If I wanted. But I don't.
I'm a fuck up. That's all really. Do there have to be reasons or excuses?
I wouldn't want to inflict myself upon anyone.
If I had a choice. But I don't. Being me, and not someone else.
Therefore I apologize. To all of you. Sincerely.
Welcome week-end. *lol*
So on a kind of "spur of the moment" thing last weekend I decided to install & register for BT Communicator... just cuz it's fun and geeky and a way of avoiding having to buy a new phone once I move. It all seemed very simple and quick - a few clicks, enter a few details and hey presto, you can make calls from your PC! And free calls for the first month too!
Continue reading "One silly decision later..."
very very very very very very very very much.
(for a change)
Hope that's ok with you.
Tomorrow I am off to see my Mon. Altho I will of course be online from her place, and she will probably bully me into updating at some point (or update for me, which is much more fun!), I thought I'd do an entry before leaving. This was it. Bye!
Continue reading "The one before Norway"
1. I have a Mon. You remember, that angelic creature I call my own. I now have her here. Well I guess she has me here since she usually lives here and I don't. But I have her anyway.
2. Mon has two dogs called ET (little dog) and Papaya (big dog). They are very cute. ET recognized me and wasn't scared of me. Mon won't let me take them away from her so I'm just gonna have to stay here. That's cool tho cuz it means I get to keep her too.
3. We have snow. All around the house. And just for Lo, a picture of snow and nothing else.
4. We have bought lots of food. Mostly unhealthy stuff tho also healthy stuff.
5. Mon has a new kitchen. It's very big but it's not working yet.
6. Mon shaved her little dog. Her little dog was not happy. Apparently she doesn't like being shaved. I wonder why that is.
7. Mon has hair colour so she will dye her hair red. Red Mon will be even more fun.
Um that's it. Oh and people suck and the truth should aallways lead to good things not big drama.
is dead.
My Mon is doing her hair... so I will steal some of the questionnaires Tay did the other night. Hooray.
Continue reading "Questionnaire's Galore..."
My Mon is watching Gilmore Girls. In the meantime she wants me to write a long update (since I don't watch Gilmore Girls, no idea what it is about). I don't really know what the update should be about since we haven't really done much all day.
Continue reading "I wanna stay"