I don't really feel like elaborating on the previous entry, but of course people have been wondering and worried. Let me assure you: I won't stop blogging and I won't kill myself (other than slowly, the way I have for years). The issue I expressed was that I've had truly enough of this and don't see why I should keep up this pretence of a 'normal' life when I've been getting worse and worse.
For years I've gone from one excuse to the next for my problems - dad died, then shit job, then missing the UK, then no job in the UK.. now it's all more or less sorted and I should be fine, but I'm still the same or even worse. And tho of course I could come up with more excuses - far away friends, missing horsey, stress of moving... really excuses is all they are, hardly a valid explanation.
But I probably won't do anything at all because I'm far too scared to just quit it all and truly embrace the failure I've always been within. This pretence of normalcy is all I have left I guess. And really what's the alternative? Hiding from my problems isn't gonna make me better is it. And I can imagine their disappointed yet smug faces when I finally become what they have always anticipated anyway.
And facing my issues and trying to sort them - hell that's scary, because at the end of that stands that normal life again, and then I'm not supposed to pretend anymore. And I have no recollection at all what that was like. And life is so damn long and every day would be a struggle - and for what?
Oh well. Our former grand duchess died last night so Luxembourg is grieving. Can't say it's affecting me much. Or at all. I didn't even know she had cancer (neither did my mum). Lung cancer of course (she was a chain smoker).
Ah and I've finally been creative again and tried my dark Tshirt transfers. I'm actually quite pleased with the end result (also closeup). Thanks to Lo for the inspiration. 
It means "the devil made me do it" btw. 
i likey the shirt!
what does it say? 
Won't comment on entry as I've done before.
But... the penis-devil is cute. 
Ooh, one with "cogito ergo doleo" on it would be good to.
Posted by: Mark on Tue January 11, 2005 at 4:50your t-shirt is cute!
And it's not a penis! 
Olivia, I wrote what it says in the entry.
nice t-shirt=)
Posted by: tris on Tue January 11, 2005 at 20:36Oops..oh ya.
Would you actually be able to elaborate why this life sucks so much?
Posted by: Anne on Wed January 12, 2005 at 22:24No. Which is why I said I dunno why I still get so depressed as I seem to have no reason to. I'm just not happy with myself, my life, the.. everything really. I feel like I'm not made for this life and it's not made for me.
Posted by: Clarissa on Thu January 13, 2005 at 0:14