Posted on July 12th, 2019 @ 11:50 in
Uncategorized I am currently reading I Am the Messenger by Markus Zusak. It is super-touching in the way this young guy, who’s kind of a loser, deeply connects with people when he’s given “missions” to deliver messages to random strangers (and finally his friends). He is the kind of person I wish I could be in the ideal version of myself. But I know I will never be this, in fact my real self doesn’t even want to be this.
I do not want to be, I cannot get close to people. Back when I was drinking I was still able to do this – too much of it, of course, too far, too intensely – which was not good for anyone either. I am pretty sure I drank in part to enable me to do that, just as much as I was trying to ward off fear. Yes, you don’t need to tell me that the fear and the distance are linked. Getting close to people is SCARY. Letting people get close to me is even scarier, but the Messenger protagonist never actually does that. He remains mostly a blank slate to them. And it’s still scary.
I cannot say I am… unhappy the way I am? Intensely solitary and self-sufficient. So if society weren’t constantly telling us that social connections are vital to our well-being, I might not be bothered at all. I read these books, or stories about real people like this, and I have this wish to be a better person. I don’t know that I expect to be happier that way. They say no (wo)man’s an island. I don’t know. I have no idea where I’m going with this, but I felt the need to write it down just now. I’ll now go finish my book.
Posted on March 6th, 2019 @ 18:37 in
Uncategorized Well, this is the hardest blog post I’ve had to write in a long time. Why am I writing it? I think I am trying to make sense of my own thoughts and feelings. And I feel I owe it to… myself, and the MJ fan I was/am. More »
Posted on February 5th, 2019 @ 18:58 in
Uncategorized All I need is sun, tatadadada…
Today the sun shone and my spirit smiled. Seriously, the difference it makes is ridiculous. Of course, my various other headfixing strategies may also have contributed to my improved state of mind. I’ve started taking 5-HTP again. And meditating. I recommend this talk by Haemin Sumin, a Korean Buddhist monk, on Tara Brach’s podcast. It was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear at the moment. More »
Posted on February 4th, 2019 @ 22:20 in
Uncategorized O hai, my head is a mess and I am not sure how to deal with that. Isn’t that interesting. More »
Posted on December 28th, 2018 @ 20:57 in
Memes 15th in a row! Maybe at some point I will stop doing these. But not now, cuz I actually have nothing else to do just now.
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Posted on November 13th, 2018 @ 16:57 in
Uncategorized I moved my blag. By which I mean, I have a new web host. After 15 years! So to celebrate that, I will write one of my very rare non-travelogue, non-end-of-year-survey blog posts. For I have stuff to share! More »
Posted on October 28th, 2018 @ 19:53 in
Travel I went to Paris and didn’t blog it and that’s kinda criminal so here’s a late one I will backdate. *lol* More »
Posted on December 30th, 2017 @ 19:33 in
Memes Hello from Luxembourg! Well. Here we go again. I’d locked myself out of this account, so am a bit paranoid now, but also a bit lazy so I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened. For the same reason I am not going to proof this and just publish.
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Posted on May 12th, 2017 @ 10:25 in
Uncategorized Figured I’d write down some thoughts and impressions about my trip to Luxembourg, seeing as I’ll be moving back there in about half a year, after nearly 18 years in the UK altogether. More »
Posted on April 25th, 2017 @ 21:26 in
Uncategorized … not sure why. There were a few exhibitions. More »