Unmessing my head

O hai, my head is a mess and I am not sure how to deal with that. Isn’t that interesting.

I know, I’m being somewhat flippant about this and maybe I shouldn’t, but I think there are two reasons for this.

• This is a mild depression, nothing even remotely like what I dealt with before I stopped drinking.
• I feel like I am far better equipped to deal with it now, thanks to years of therapy and mindfulness.

To some extent I am actually finding it interesting to observe the state I’m in. I am recognizing the recurring thought patterns, the catastrophizing, the piling up of problems, the feeling of uselessness, and I know full well the solution is not “out there”. I can’t fix the problems my head is creating for me. Rather, I need to fix my head so it stops magnifying problems.

So, I know all of that. All the same, I feel like I’m “doing everything right”, but not seeing any improvements. I’m dragging myself to do yoga every morning even when I’d much rather stay in bed all day. I’m going for runs in the rain and sludge, bike rides in the cold, and every time there is even a bit of sun, I make sure to catch some rays. I’ve even started using my SAD lamp over breakfast! I’m eating mostly healthy, tho I’m definitely also eating too much chocolate. I’m going through the motions, and yet my brain is like “bleh”.

And my anxiety is like “OMG the world is ending what are you doing you self-indulgent prick your life is worthless the planet is dying look at us, also you are not where you want to be you don’t have enough work you can’t survive like this your cats are in danger are your cats safe what if they’re injured better go home and check, also you’re too fat you’ll never get back to your ideal weight your body is failing but what does it matter, humans are terrible we need to change everything about us and learn to accept what we have but who are you to tell people what to do life is hard and a slog and people are fighting their own demons all while the planet is blowing up and no one is doing anything about it…” aaaaand breathe.

So that is happening! As a result, I’ve decided to step up my “self-care” (I know I know, so self-indulgent) a notch. I’m taking a break from news and social media and podcasts so I can’t add any new Problems to my Pile of Doom. Instead I’m gonna add meditation back into the mix, and also double down on the exercise cuz fuck it, I know it works.

Out in The Real World, I’ll try to do little things towards handling the Problems as they are, rather than what my mind is telling me they are: finally do some promo to get new clients, and find small, but manageable ways to help fight Climate Change on the big scale.

And I am blogging, apparently!