Mini freezing Paris trip

Yes, I did make it to Paris, for the first time in over two years. More »

Where does Nice start?

Alright, time for a blog entry again, and it starts with a conversation snippet between Tristan and me. (Also, this is an edited version of a journal entry I wrote for my therapist, hence some… weird language.) More »

Super great Moselle bike trip

Tristan and I went for a three day bike ride along the Moselle to Koblenz and it was amazing. I used to blog all my travels here! I should at least do that. More »

This is a blog post

A new one. I am having a fit of nostalgia for my blogging days. If I could think of… some purpose for blogging, I might pick it up again. But I cannot! Let me try random rambling… mostly I realise it’s interesting to look back, and maybe 60 year old me wants to know what 43 year old me was thinking! More »

On the anticipation of pain

I am terrified of dentists. I know many people are, so this is not unusual. But most dentists I’ve had in my life were pretty gentle and respected my wishes. Except the first two. The first guy was a total brute who gave nowhere near enough anaesthetic and the whole procedure was an ordeal. The second one was only a little better. More »

End of Year Survey 2020

I’ve just reread a bunch of these and I am really glad I have them, so I will keep doing them. Even if I am the only person to read them. 😂

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Ten Years Sober!

At the end of December 2019 I marked ten years sober. I’d been thinking for a while how I want to “celebrate” this milestone and so far, all I’ve done is buy a print that seemed apt, by an artist I’ve liked for a while. More »

End of Year Survey 2019

As long as I keep these up my blog can stay, right? And it’s interesting to read old ones. So. I’ll be glad of them when I’m old and retired. 😄

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Only Connect

I am currently reading I Am the Messenger by Markus Zusak. It is super-touching in the way this young guy, who’s kind of a loser, deeply connects with people when he’s given “missions” to deliver messages to random strangers (and finally his friends). He is the kind of person I wish I could be in the ideal version of myself. But I know I will never be this, in fact my real self doesn’t even want to be this.

I do not want to be, I cannot get close to people. Back when I was drinking I was still able to do this – too much of it, of course, too far, too intensely – which was not good for anyone either. I am pretty sure I drank in part to enable me to do that, just as much as I was trying to ward off fear. Yes, you don’t need to tell me that the fear and the distance are linked. Getting close to people is SCARY. Letting people get close to me is even scarier, but the Messenger protagonist never actually does that. He remains mostly a blank slate to them. And it’s still scary.

I cannot say I am… unhappy the way I am? Intensely solitary and self-sufficient. So if society weren’t constantly telling us that social connections are vital to our well-being, I might not be bothered at all. I read these books, or stories about real people like this, and I have this wish to be a better person. I don’t know that I expect to be happier that way. They say no (wo)man’s an island. I don’t know. I have no idea where I’m going with this, but I felt the need to write it down just now. I’ll now go finish my book.

Michael Jackson – the Reckoning

Well, this is the hardest blog post I’ve had to write in a long time. Why am I writing it? I think I am trying to make sense of my own thoughts and feelings. And I feel I owe it to… myself, and the MJ fan I was/am. More »