Saturday November 1, 2003
Yawn yet again *lol*
Category: Life & Me | 4 Comments | Posted 0:18
Was gonna do all sorts of things... started a new layout, then grew tired of it... meant to do another video entry as everyone seems to love them so much... but didn't like what I saw... so ended up just chatting all night and annoying people on MJNI.
I did however (with the help of cute Lo) come up with a few interview questions for the lurvely squiZZ (after he'd reminded me for, like, the 10th time or sth), so I suggest you go check out his very deep and elaborate answers. He's rather cool even tho (!) still a teenager.   And only slightly scary. 
And now I think I shall disappear to bed and celebrate Halloween by worshipping the devil, er I mean, reading some more Anne Rice. It's been a pleasure. Byeeee.
Mememe! *muahaha*
Category: Video | 22 Comments | Posted 23:00
OK so two things. For you annoying video-people there's a new video (rm, 294KB), but it's nothing special at all. It's boring and short and basically telling you to come up with ideas if you want to keep seeing videos.
And since I was all made up and stuff I did a webcam session too, which can be viewed right here (20 pics). I tend to repeat myself but hell, I like it.
Monday November 3, 2003
Interviewed by squiZZle
Category: Memes | 8 Comments | Posted 21:17
The meme is going round again... or sth like that. Aaanyway, I interviewed squiZZ, then got him to interview me again. *lol*
So here we go again... the rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond [in a few months, hehe] by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
1. Why do you [seem to] spend a lot more time and energy focusing/writing about things you strongly hate (America, Scientology, your Father, Religion etc etc) rather than the things you love (MJ ... I can't think of another *lol*)?
LMAO only MJ? Briiiian...  Anyway. I don't think I spend that much more energy focusing on things I hate. Also, I don't hate religion, I find it fascinating. Anyway, the things I love I just... enjoy, without talking about them. What should I say? "Oh they are so wonderful, oh I love them"?  Anyway, I've done loads of posts on MJ. I've drooled over Moby and Brian on my Blog. And Google. So yeah I don't think it's that unbalanced.  Does that count as an answer? Other than that I guess I just tend to get wound up about stuff like that and have to let it out somehow. 
2. What are your best and worst memories from High School and University?
Woah. Um... dunno about High School, is so far back and it didn't have that much impact on me as most of my friends I had outside school. I was bullied in my first year by a big fat stupid bitch, so you can take that as my worst memory. Best... dunno, maybe the final few years, had a cool little clique in class (we were outsiders obviously). Some cool teachers too. The rest is all a blur.
As for uni... my 3rd year living with Kate was definitely the best time. We had a sweeeet colourful little flat, we never or rarely argued, and people left me alone. Also lived right near the wonderful cemetery, hehe. It was just a fab year, esp. the last month after exams were over and we stayed another few weeks. Nothing really stands out as a particlarly bad memory I have to say. My MA year perhaps? Pretty shitty course. But campus life was great.
3. You are on Death-Row: who did you kill? why? what is your last meal gonna be?
LOL. Um. I don't think I would be - as in, I don't think I could kill anyone ever. I wouldn't mind if my father were dead, but I don't think I'd have the guts to kill him even if I was 100% certain I wouldn't be found out. But if you insist... maybe an annoying little brattish child because it drove me insane and I freaked out and strangled it until it stopped pissing me off.
My last meal would beee... hm... a KFC twister, a real one, not home made. And some dessert... maybe Tiramisu?
4. What is it about . . . not so masculine *lol* guys (Brian, Michael...etc) that you like?
Er well I'd just say "it's a matter of taste", I like them that way and I can't really explain why. The appeal of a pretty boy. *shrug* Big bulky muscles are repulsive to me, as are macho attitudes.
If I had to find an explanation maybe I'd say sth like, by looking more feminine they seem less of a threat? Sth like that perhaps. I really just pulled that out of my arse (muahaha) cuz I feel I have to say something... but perhaps there's something to it.
5. Why does it matter how many hits you get per day? Don't you think its more 'important' that you get maybe only a couple of new readers who like what you say and want to come back rather than a couple hundred folks who clicked on your site from google and didn't even read ur writings?
I'm desperate for attention. *lol* No you're right of course, it doesn't really matter, and if I didn't have a counter I don't think I'd be that bothered. But I do, so I am. Makes me feel all warm fuzzy inside - even when it's someone who came here looking for "peeing list" and must obviously have been disappointed.
Interviewed by Kal
Category: Memes | 14 Comments | Posted 22:48
Mehehehehe, and it never ends... this time the questons are by the lovely Kal.
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond [in a few months, hehe] by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
1. You are riding on your horse. When all of a sudden she/he grows wings and starts to fly. Where would you go if you knew it would only have wings for 7 days.
Hm, well considerate as I am I wouldn't wanna tire him out so I don't think I'd fly all the way to Japan or anything. Ok I'd start off by aimlessly flying around and enjoying the view - I mean just cruising the sky would be enough to make me happy!  Then I'd probably go and visit all my friends and go "Look look, Karim has grown wings, how cool is THAT! And no you can't try him cuz I get jealous!" (actually come to think of it, I'd probably be on my mobile 5mins after first finding out).
And possibly I'd just fly up to random people's windows and scare the shit out of them! Then I'd probably go to Paris. Flying around there would be awesome! Even better than just walking through the streets, hehe. I'd spend a few days there and then fly back cuz I don't think I'd wanna ride all the way back or pay for transportation.
2. What will the words on your tombstone say? And if you’d rather your head stone be a sculpture what would it be?
Hm, this will be a disappointing reply, as I will be cremated and have my ashes scattered. Ideally off Notre Dame in Paris (hm, did we have that discussion on ChitChat or where was it?), but in this country you have to have them in a graveyard (boring I know, maybe they'll change it before I die).
OK but if I were to have a gravestone, I'd love for it to be something Gothic... like this one, my fave ever (Brighton Cemetery), or a neat little vault like this one (Montmartre, Paris). I wouldn't want a sculpture, most of them are pure kitsch, and they represent things I can't identify with.
Dunno about an epitaph... I am so convinced that with death it's all over that I don't really care. Maybe sth funny like "I expected this", or sth dreary and depressive, some statement about death... but I can't think of any examples now. Maybe a quote by Shelley or Goethe or someone I like. I'll get back to this if I find something nice.
3. Your favorite and least favorite sound, name, color, drink and fabric.
sound: : Music (do I have to be more specific?);  : screeching chalk on blackboard/fork on plate/metal on metal.
name: : Hm... maybe Lucy. And Mephistopheles! : any old Germanic names like Brunhild, Friederich, Engelbert or Gertrud.
colour: : green; : grey.
drink: : Diet Coke (no ice); : coffee!!!!!
fabric: : velvet; : dunno... uncomfy stuff?! 
4. You wake up and its 1983 the day before the release of “thriller”. You are in LOVE with MJ as you are now. You walk outside and find a time machine that will only be there for the day. Do you wait to hear thriller for the VERY FIRST TIME or get inside the time machine and travel to another year- day- century.
Hm, tricky one... I mean I could come back and hear Thriller a day later right? I think I'd take the trip. Right now I'm not really that obsessed with MJ anyway so it's kinda hard to judge now. But I think even the way I was 2yrs ago, I would still go time-travelling and listen to Thriller a day late.
5. Dinner with someone dead. Who?
Mozart Mozart Mozart! Without a shadow of a doubt.
6. Name one thing you could change about the universe (not our world alone).
Hmmm..... Tough one, that. Like, sth physical? I think I would like to know it, so let's say what I'd change is I'd make it known to me. *lol* I'd want instant travel to be possible... you know, beaming. That would be neat. Other than that I dunno. I don't really know much about the Universe to be able to make a judgment. I'd like to change people of course if that was possible. But that is in our world alone...
Tuesday November 4, 2003
Not an Interview!
Category: Updates | 4 Comments | Posted 18:31
Can you believe it? Thought I'd do a quick regular update... there were a few things I wanted to say you see. First off, them damn tombstone links to my Gallery didn't work cuz I'd set the display to "sort by date" and the default is "sort by name", so I have now updated the links so you can see what gravestones I actually meant. Again here: tombstone and vault.
Right, also, and much more importantly, I got very sexy new ownage pics from lovely BML Me - feel free to view and drool, but keep in mind she's mine!  ©
Ah yeah, and I found this cool Cemetery Page the other day, I like muchly, so you should all go & check. Very nice pics, and kinda funky flash effects. Oh and BML, would you mind if we went to Streatham Cemetery next week? 
Interviewed by Lo
Category: Memes | 11 Comments | Posted 23:13
Guess what? Ok, this will be the last interview for a while. Anyway, questions by Lo. They're quite tricky...
Rules again...
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
1.What would you never forgive if your friend did?
Hmmm... I've actually forgiven much... like, forgiven friends for things I should have given them a hard time for. I think what I hate most is when so-called friends tell really outrageous lies about you behind your back. The bastards from the Riding school did that - anything from "she smokes pot" to "she seduces our son's girlfriends" to "she went on hunger strike so we would take her back" and worst of all "she threatened to accuse me (guy) of rape if I didn't give her what she wanted" (!). I mean there was enough rubbish for me to sue them for libel, the sodding bastards. I still hate them for it. Hope they suffer.
So yeah I think that's the worst. Tell me to my fucking face if you have a problem with me. That said, I don't like being accused of crap to my face either. I also hate being used, tho I still let it happen sometimes, but I try to be more careful.
2.You are going to sell yourself on ebay (BML doesn't mind cuz you both urgently need money lol). How would you advertise yourself, how much money would you ask?
LMFAO. Sell myself for life?? Or for a short period of time? Hmmm...
I'd probably ask sth equivalent to a normal salary I could expect. How would I advertise myself... with my CV? You wanna see a copy of my CV? I'd probably mention my languages, my literacy, I'd tell them I'm entertaining (hehe) and educated, have a fairly extended general knowledge and manners (tho I can be rude too if they wish). Hm... and that I can be diplomatic (no honest!), and cunning too if it is required of me... and that I have "the most amazing finding abilities" (and I'd get squiZZ to write me a reference). And I'd make sure they know I won't do any lowly cleaning, nor any sexual requests.
3.When you are very angry, frustrated and etc, what do you do?
Maybe some crazy stuff like breaking things, shouting at people or making voodoo dollls and sticking needles into them with evil laughter or something else?
Hm, shout and swear, and sometimes throw things. LMAO @ voodoo dolls, no I wouldn't do that. I also sometimes listen to veeery loud (and angry) music, and ring my friends and rant & rave to them.
4.Imagine you are offered to make a show on TV. What kind of show it would be? Give your ideas (or make a sample video )
Hmmm... sth like a chat show maybe. V Graham Norton! I'd love to do proper comedy too but I'm not funny. (yes yes Graham Norton is funny too, but well, whatever). Yeah or sth a bit weird and absurd? Or just generally interviewing people (as in, celebs), tho that's intimidating cuz you need to know stuff about them to be able to interview them. I wouldn't mind investigative journalism either. Documentaries and stuff maybe. Controversial stuff. Hell, how about a political show!
5. If you had an opportunity to create yourself...
- How would you look like? (Think of a celebrity you'd like to resemble)
- What personal qualities and skills would you have?
- What would you do, where would you live? (maybe you'd like to replace Bill Gates or maybe you think that you could be a better president than George Bush...)
Woah. How cool would that be. Ok, one by one... I'd obviously look like Angelina, for she is most divine. Or maybe Aaliyah, cuz she was gorgeous too, and she's dead, so people wouldn't mistake me for her.
Hm skills... lots of artistic talents. I'd play various instruments, sing, draw, write amazingly well, and be a great photographer. I'd also speak loads of languages and be great at maths so I could understand all them complicated computer languages. I'd obviously be less lazy (in fact not lazy at all), and a dedicated militant to all sorts of issues.
So yeah, I'd obviously be an artist. I dunno if I'd focus on writing or drawing/painting... maybe both. And I'd travel around the world trying to make it a better place. Dunno where I'd live... maybe in Brighton, Paris and NYC? Yeah, sounds about right. And I'd have lots of pets.
Wednesday November 5, 2003
Updates AGAIN!
Category: Updates | 4 Comments | Posted 2:02
Wow, well I've finally done them two things I've meant to do for ages... and they are as follows.... - The HomePage of the site has finally been redesigned (so no more Google). It's veeeery simple and based on this here layout, but I like it cuz it's colourful. *hehe*
- I have written a page about my main obsessions - the ones I've had for years, not my current ones. *hehe* This is also linked in the menu on the left.
Yeah that's it really. No more site updates for a while now. I know I'm supposed to be doing videos too, maybe I will, but maybe I'll wait until the squiZZ is here. Will now go to book with a bed, or sth of that sort. Nighty!
Walk in the Sunshine
Category: Life & Me | 6 Comments | Posted 20:24
Well can you believe it - I went for a long walk today! Well I walked into town and back, must have been around 2hrs all in all, and see we have all these hills and stuff... so was exhausting. Well my legs hurt anyway. But I've taken a few pics with my cute mobile-cam, check them out here! Nothing spectacular, but cute and sunny and autumny (hm).
I got some other stuff done as well, sent off BML CD, went to see horsey, and that's it. But is quite a lot for me. And I've changed things around here again - as you can see there are now funky colourful links on the left (they look even funkier as a popup).
Right, well that's my update for the day, it's all you're gonna get. Will go get my pizza now and settle in front of the telly. Long time no TV watching. There better be something on.
My Mobile Addressbook
Category: Randomness | 7 Comments | Posted 23:02
I've been bored again for a change... so you shall be bored with me!
Basically I've taken apart and analysed my mobile's phonebook, and I shall now share with you the fascinating statistics I've come up with. - There are 126 entries in my addressbook.
- But there are only 86 different persons.
- The most tel# for one person is 4.
- There are 93 female tel# and 33 male (wow, big difference).
- 83 are mobile numbers, 43 are landline.
- 67 numbers from Lux, 26 from the UK, 10 from Germany...
- Other countries include France, Denmark, Norway, Ireland, Greece, Hong Kong, Australia, Hungary, Switzerland...
- Er that's it. Anything else I should have counted?
Isn't that fascinating stuff? And it's only 11pm... what shall I do now...
Thursday November 6, 2003
Warble
Category: Randomness | 27 Comments | Posted 18:19
I wanna be able to write like Alexandra. She is very cool. OK so she's aspiring to be a writer, but so would I be if I had any talent at all. So yeah, she has a very enjoyable blog that you should check out if ever you are bored. Oh btw, she was discovered by the venerable squiZZ, my employer, on one of his "bored so randomly surfing blogs" sprees. I'd like to add, for the record, that I deeply admire JarJar, too.
I'm really pissed off with my webhost again for a change (shut it squiZZ). I keep getting "internal server errors" when trying to rebuild my Blog. Means some of the entries are never updated (with new links and right now section). They also never bothered replying to my latest complaint about MySQL - I bet they have me on a blacklist somewhere as "whingeing bitch" and aren't even reading my mails. I'd switch to a different host if it wasn't so much hassle. I really should get off my arse and do something. Anything.
Did I ever mention I made new ownage pics for squiZZ? You should go check them too if you're bored (after you've read some of Alexandra's blog). Right, now I'm bored of updating too, so I will be off again. Tomorrow I will have a squiZZ so I will be bored no more. Hooray!
Saturday November 8, 2003
Wrong time zone
Category: Life & Me | 5 Comments | Posted 14:31
Hello! Tis I. squiZZ shower so quick update from me. Not that I have much to say. Read squiZZ-update to know what we've been up to. 8.30 indeed, hehe.
Lady Marmalade is on on Vh1, isn't that fascinating? I'm rather tired... had about 3.5hrs of sleep. Dunno, somehow I'm having a déjà-vu here. Pink is cool. We must remember to watch the Graham Norton repeat on... when is it, Sunday? Cuz she was there on Monday. Mmmhhmmmmmmm! Nothing to add to that, excapt maybe that squiZZ is cute. Does that come a surprise to you? Probably not. Byeeeeee!!!
Sunday November 9, 2003
Monday November 10, 2003
Bleurgh
Category: Life & Me | 15 Comments | Posted 15:55
Neeeever drinking again, ever. Until tomorrow.
Er anyway, am veeery hungover, so have been moaning to everyone who passes my way. Very satisfying. Apart from the feeling shit bit.
Hm yes what else is new... we still haven't done any videos. Dunno if we will tonight. Well, I bet we won't cuz we're too lazy. Hooray for laziness.
Right so what did we do yesterday... watch telly, hang out online (hooray), drink of course, and watch this funny shit about 50 million times. You should too.
That's all. Ah no wait, Val came over and we, er... hung out online and tried to convince her that Michael has vitiligo... and chatted and stuff. And I shouted at my mum and slammed a door and she threatened to throw me out. Hooray.
Today Claire will come & see us, she's in Lux again (you know, she's the one from Cardiff - lives in some boring little town in Ireland now). Is exciting (IMO). Her coming to see us, not the fact that she lives in a boring little town.
Bye.
Tuesday November 11, 2003
Wednesday November 12, 2003
I hate my mum
Category: Opinionated | 17 Comments | Posted 0:56
Yeah well I just thought I'd say it. Those of you who read my whole diary incl. the comments will know how it started... well, how it started THIS time, and any other time, and then there's all the stuff before I ever started this diary... anyway I've basically ended up at a point where I'm wondering if I still have any positive feelings left for her, AT ALL. She has nothing but contempt for me, and the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that it has always been this way.
I used to feel the need to explain and justify things to her, but at the end of the day I could never say anything she would appreciate, so why should I even try. I am full of self-doubts, I am scared of the future, and of myself, but her telling me I'm a failure is not gonna help in any way. Does that sound self-righteous and ungrateful? I don't care.
Anything I say to her she will use against me. Why should I ever talk to her again? I've never been a family person, so that's not gonna tie me to her. There was some sort of bond between us when my dad was still around cuz we could complain about him when he was being a bastard, and there was a bond when he died cuz we both missed him. Now there is nothing left whatsoever, only mutual contempt. Hooray.
Will make things much easier - she will be glad I'm gone, I won't need to feel guilty for leaving her, and if she does decide to smash her head against a motorway bridge pillar it will make it easier for me to get over her.
Guns'N'Roses - November Rain
Category: Randomness | 13 Comments | Posted 2:24
When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain
Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you
Sometimes I need some time...on my own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
Last year I forgot to listen to it... this year it took me until almost half way through November... but am listening now (tho it isn't raining)... aaaaah I love love love!!!
EDIT Have listened to it a few times now and found it it kinda relates to how I feel at the moment. Sooo... I would like to dedicate the song to the most important person in my life. You know who you are. And everybody else does too. I love you so much. And I'm sorry for anything I've done wrong. Yours till the end of time.
WHOOOPEEEEEEE!!!!!
Category: Life & Me | 8 Comments | Posted 21:12
I luuuuuurve the whole world!!!! Especially the gorgeous wonderful amazing Seb who has made me a "personal special offer" for Webhosting on MJJF... so HOORAY, Clarissaweb is moving to a new host!!!
I'm a bit confused as to how it all works... moving the domain names as well as, well, moving this shit. Movable Type should be no problem as can upload and then change the info... but the board? And UGH @ having to upload all 155MB again.
Eeenyway. Am all happy now. Also speaking to my mum again, pretending nothing ever happened, fine with me, need to live with her for another 7 weeks so don't wanna sulk all the time... HOWEVER, and I am now officiall allowed to say this as BML Me has done too... I will be moving in with her in January and I am soooo fucking excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I know most of you know this, but wasn't allowed to say so far. so WOOOHOOOO @ that!!!!!!!
Yeah that's pretty much it I think... done NOTHING all day, in fact I stayed up here in my room until 8pm or sth... only went downstairs cuz had to feed pigs... wasted my day emailing, chatting, reading old diary entries, notably squiZZle on diary-x (which is now officially back online, so go & follow my example)... and some of my old stuff too, only to find out that some things never change... hated my mum last year too... was lazy and unmotivated and wasted my time online. Hooray. But maybe tomorrow everything will change. (hehe inside joke no one will get)
Thursday November 13, 2003
Hyper Hyper!!!
Category: Randomness | 13 Comments | Posted 15:27
Yeah so I'm in one of those moods. Totally over-excited... am all and ... sooooo I thought I'd do one of them Happy Lists again... my last one (and only one so far) - that was 18 months ago, isn't that fascinating? Anyway, so here's a new one, a revised one if you will... HOORAY!
::: the week-end!!!! ::: being with BML Me again!! ::: wonderful Daniel ::: meeting Mel ::: London ::: squishing BML Me ::: Englaaand ::: moving from sucky 1&1 to MJJF Hosting ::: JANUARY!!! ::: Craig Dee Jar Jess Katja Lo Miriam Prue Seb Sinead squiZZ Sue Suha Tobias Vega (online, A-Z) ::: Aspa Caro Chantal Charlotte Claire Dani Diane Gaby Kate Kristin Marc Martine Noura Tania Valerie Viviane (offline, A-Z) ::: Briiiaaaaan ::: Angeliiina!!! ::: Hannibal ::: Dracula ::: Robbiiieeee ::: satellite TV ::: my Lara ::: music, all the wonderful music ::: laziness ::: Paris ::: Michael Jackson ::: books, books, books ::: good food ::: my Winamp playlist ::: my site my board my messengers ::: green ::: living in England SOON ::: chatting ::: my wonderful, beautiful horse ::: Diet Coke ::: colourful stuff ::: ::: my new friends, old friends, online friends, offline friends, MJ friends, Falco friends, horse friends, UK friends, Luxxy friends, all-over-the-world-friends... :::
PS AND BML LETTER!!!!!!
I is off
Category: Life & Me | 7 Comments | Posted 23:46
Have packed, cleaned up, all that shit, so am off to bed now... and off to London tomorrow morning. Hooray. Will see you Monday night or sth. Be good.
Sunday November 16, 2003
'ello from London
Category: Life & Me | 14 Comments | Posted 1:17
Here's an update just for lovely Lo and adorable Jar!!
I is in London, with the Melker and the BML! Mel's connection is dreadfully slow, even for 56k, so not much will be going on here.
Um, yeah, apart from that... short summary? Um... shopping on Fri, then lots of Starbucks, and a Mel, and going home watching telly and chatting, meeting Kat, watching telly and chatting, drinking Bacardi, wrestling over squiZZwaist (and other squiZZparts)... shouting, making up, sleeping... getting up, lazing about, going into town... more shopping and so on and so forth yadda yadda. Eminem. Judy Dench. Dustin Hoffman. The END!
Tuesday November 18, 2003
Up-bloody-date! (London!!)
Category: Life & Me | 10 Comments | Posted 3:04
Yeah so all them fuckers buggered off to bed ages ago, I'm still not tired, I have nothing else to do, so I thought maybe I could just, well, update this thing. Yeah so am back home and all that shit, the drive home from the airport was a fucking nightmare, rain and darkness and tiredness and the occasional spell of fog... couldn't be worse. I do believe my night vision has been getting much much worse. Let me tell you, getting old is not nice.
OK, that's the moaning over and done with, so lemme tell you about London. As you might know we went there to look at areas and flats... well we didn't do any of that, how surprising. Instead we did some shopping, some walking around, some drinking, some eating, and some fighting. I actually bought quite a few things... 3 (!) Placebo T-shirts, a scarf, 5 books, lots of Starburst Flipsters, painkillers, and some stuff for Val too. Whoopee!
Sunday was spent with the utterly fantabulous Daniel aka Stained Glass Bimbo. I could not exaggerate his wonderfulness and gorgeousness and loveliness! Tho he doesn't look half as sexy in eyeliner as the venerable squiZZ (must keep up my squiZZ-mentioning-average), he is still extremely fanciable and squishable. Indeed. Hopefully I shall be able to share pics and videos of His Loveliness with you very soon!
We was lucky with the weather.. until today, when we had to lug around our fucking suitcases in the pouring rain - we bloody walked all the fucking way to Picadilly Circus Waterstones and then it was closed for a special event - I mean WTF?! Sodding bastards. Not impressed.
Aaanyway... I would like to express my gratitude and love to the Mel and the Kat for putting up with us - I know we were quite hard to bear at times. We're really quite harmless usually - no honest!
Yeah well that's pretty much it. I think I shall bugger off to bed now, y'all just wanna see the pics anyway and not read the boring written report. Oh yes, I meant to say, tomorrow I shall move my site to my wonderful new webspace at MJJF so there may be downtimes (here and on the board), tho I will try to set up redirects as quickly as I can. Byeeeee!
Wednesday November 19, 2003
Will You Be There?
Category: Michael Jackson | 10 Comments | Posted 1:30
Well will you look at that. Allegations II hitting the MJ world. Who knows, it may just be a hugely over-exaggerated rumour with nothing to it. And it may not. It certainly stirred the MJ fanworld into a frenzy.
How utterly surreal. I don't know what to think of it and will not get overly upset about it until I know more, but it's unsettling, very much so. I don't like it. Could he stand another '93? Could we? There was gonna be a promo tour around Europe in December. Now there's consternation.
Well it has reinforced my conviction that most people are despicable arseholes. And if you're expecting any kind of doubt of MJ's innocence from me, you're at the wrong place. I've been in this for too long to doubt him, even if I've moved away from the insane obsessive fanworld... well a few inches anyway. But it's still my world, and I still love him and believe in him. That's all.
Funny video & audio
Category: Video | 10 Comments | Posted 22:23
Everyone is doing entries about the MJ allegations, so I won't. Is nothing I can say anyway except I'm scared and have a bad feeling. If you want to read MJ entries, go here here here here here here here or here.
OK so here is my entry - basically videos from London and a special audio appearance by the venerable squiZZ.
Thursday November 20, 2003
*curled up in a corner*
Category: Michael Jackson | 13 Comments | Posted 23:38
Michael Jackson in handcuffs is the worst thing I've seen in a long time. Hey I thought I had the necessary distance to not let this FUCKING SHIT get to me. Wasn't crying during the press conference, with Tom Sneddon the despicable scumbag laughing and joking and reassuring everyone it was nothing personal. Was shaking, but not crying.
Didn't cry all day yesterday and today, with all the tension and drama and speculations and pessimism. Listened to WYBT, Money, Scream, and didn't cry. Took in the news of the arrest warrant, in disbelief, but didn't cry. Was actually thinking this afternoon as I drove back from buying Number Ones that the whole thing simply hadn't sunk in yet. Surreal was the word I used. Eerie it was, this feeling of déjà-vu, and disconcerting. But it didn't feel real.
Well I guess I'm a bit thick and I take a while to realise things. I have to see things for them to actually sink in. So the pics of him being led into the Santa Barbara County Jail in handcuffs did it for me - it had finally arrived in my sad little reality. My hero of 15 years criminally charged of child molestation. I do not even want to speculate over the outcome of this - I am pessimistic by nature, but whatever happens, it won't be good. He seems in good spirits, which reassures me, and the media coverage isn't that bad, which is positive too.
But I will never get this image out of my head. Neither will the rest of the world. What a fucking nightmare. *sigh* Poor guy. God I love him so much. How sad that something like this has to happen for me to realise how much this guy still means to me. But I'm not ashamed to admit it, and I will say it proudly: I love him to death and I know he's innocent. I owe him so much. I hope he'll be ok and I wish I could do more for him.
Saturday November 22, 2003
This is an update
Category: Life & Me | 4 Comments | Posted 14:56
Hello everyone. I am ill, moan sigh whinge complain. Am better now than I was yesterday, but am still feeling quite bad. Such a crap timing too as Craig here and I can't really entertain him. He's watching LOTR1 on Sky Movies now. We're supposed to be going out tonight, I hope I'll be up for it.
Not much else to say, so I'll just say byyyeeee!
Sunday November 23, 2003
Still ill me
Category: Life & Me | 6 Comments | Posted 13:49
Craig has left, so I will basically head to bed now and not get up again until Tuesday morning when I need to drive to Charleroi to pick up BML Me . I really hate feeling ill - everything hurts!  I know I'm moaning an awful lot these days. Hopefully I'll be better soon and then I can stop moaning.
MJ-wise... well what can I say. Nothing breathtakingly new. I went to buy Number Ones the other day (like squiZZ, Seb and Anne, I wasn't gonna buy it before this shit happened). I also tried to update the index page of the SexGod site, but somehow I'm blocked from uploading files unto that server. Very annoying.
Well that's all. Will bed now. Have loads of books to read, so shouldn't get too bored... hehe.
Monday November 24, 2003
Open letter to the International Media
Category: Michael Jackson | 3 Comments | Posted 12:50
OK here's a wonderful essay written by the incomparable Superjay and posted on MJJF. It's kinda long, but I absolutely loved it so I asked her if I could post it here.
We need more people like her.
An admirer of Michael Jackson and a graduate student, I implore you to set aside all other thoughts and give me the benefit of an earnest hearing, however trivial this might seem at the outset.
There was an anonymous, well-written reflection of the age we live in, doing the round on the internet a few years back entitled ‘The Paradox of our times. I quote, “we have more degrees, but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgement.. We talk too much, love too seldom and hate too often”
It is surely not impossible for us, in the midst of meetings, grilling assignments, deadlines, ‘to do’ lists, shopping, haggling, cooking, traveling, working out, partying and endlessly talking, to pause for a moment and take a breath in silence. To contemplate. The paradox in contemplation is that it requires undivided time.
There are those who deride contemplation, those who steer clear of it, those who fancy it and those have never contemplated. I stress now on contemplation because it is a forgotten activity - I ask you to kindly accept the idea of contemplation with no strings attached, as a premise to hearing my thoughts on the issue at hand.
Even though I have been following the events of the last few days with a clouding fervor, I have also been in constant contemplation. This letter is not intended to either question others’ or proclaim my opinion on the veracity or plausibility of the accusations that have been linked with Mr.Jackson’s name. I trust that I echo thousands if not millions of voices when I say, that as an admirer of the man in question, Convinced, I do not seek to convince. What I would rather like to address here is the mind-numbing barrage of untruth and spin-offs propagated by the media that are shockingly going unnoticed, unquestioned and is even being expected.
The presumption of guilt in Mr.Jackson’s case has gone so far, that his supporters’ moral integrity is now being questioned. I have grown up hearing that America is the ‘Land of the Free’. The recent spectacle however has hammered the last nail in the coffin that the American concept of ‘Freedom’ in my opinion, has been resting in, for a while now. Again, the derisive stigma attached to Mr.Jackson’s image is so strong that his supporters have been constantly questioned, ridiculed and engaged in a process of justification. A questioning of our faith, and identity.
Just as Mr.Jackson himself is held up to a different set of standards for judging his work, his supporters are judged by special standards to ‘prove’ their loyalty - for a supporter of Mr.Jackson’s, living through the nineties with little or no contact with others who shared the admiration, was a trying experience because of the above-mentioned derision and questioning. Instanced as recently as with the media interest in the spate of peaceful public vigils that were held across the world - these were not born from thoughts of numbers and strategies - supporters, many of them previously strangers, were out on the streets to simply gather together to share their grief, send positive messages of love and strength, and provide some opposition to the biased media. As with Mr.Jackson, our sincere expression of steadfast support was manipulated by the lens and voice-overs of the media to render the opposite image. Ultimately, this has led to a strengthened resolve. We understand such realities, but we were not given a chance in their construction. We do not embrace this.
I would like to point out an important fact by way of introducing our motley group - we are as human as we have been made, we have sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews. Fact is, being conscience-driven like most human beings, we do not support or admire criminals or disturbed individuals including those who harm children. Therefore it struck me as highly oppressive for the media to gauge the value of our collective moral integrity on the assumption of Mr.Jackson’s guilt. On this vein, I ask, when the last time was, in history, where one erring individual was venerated by millions in spite of the wrong doing, and what the situation was then? Are there any parallels? Again, in keeping with what is doled out to Mr.Jackson, our identities are being constructed without our being given a chance to correct them. We do not embrace this.
Given this background, I would like to set forth certain factors that unite Mr.Jackson’s supporters. I would like to de-mystify this relationship we share with Mr.Jackson. I would like to make completely unambiguous the reason why we are holding private and public candle-light vigils, group prayer and fasting sessions, why we have experienced anxiety attacks, why tribute songs are being composed, artwork being created, poetry being written, why we have not eaten or slept enough since the beginning of this terrible ordeal. I would like to explain why we hurt for Michael Jackson.
As a group, we cover the widest range of humans varying in age, color, gender, sexual orientation, religion, country, size, language, what have you. While we are not as a group, we can be quite unidentifiable in that we venerate other leaders, bond with other groups. This may be more professionally explained by a media critic, psychologist or a cultural analyst, but I would like to grab this chance to construct the exclusive scoop here, only because it involves my identity.
What brings us together? - Michael Jackson. What about Michael Jackson? - He brings us together! It is important to pause here and understand the significance of being ‘together’. The dual-sided missing piece that completes the story is the most vital - what it is about Michael Jackson that brings us together, and what is it about us together, that puts him in front of us? Unlike what is widely believed, Mr.Jackson’s supporters are not in a one-way relationship with him, and while we can speak of the two-way relationship being based on commerce, the vouch fully true ‘give and take’ exists in something natural and very human.
On the one side, Mr.Jackson visibly derives energy from seeing people energized as he expounds energy in creating tangible, passionate and artistic expressions. Such purity and raw passion cannot be affected - hence it was subconsciously assumed and rightly so - that even in his normal state of action, Mr.Jackson’s reflects this joy of simply being alive and ‘using that joy to bring alive what is not’- this he finds in abundance by being around nature, animals and children whose inherent nature is to simply be spontaneously alive. While the media and critics alike stop at the fascinating but capitalist twist of that observation, “everything Jackson touches turns to gold”, we, his supporters experience something quite different - an infusion of spice into the mundane. Our interest in Mr.Jackson’s non-professional life raunchily forays into, but most certainly goes beyond how he chooses to present himself. The simple goodness of Mr.Jackson’s being is part of the ‘Magic’, as is his wild wit and adamantly trusting nature.
On the other side of the piece that completes the story are his supporters, who find in Mr.Jackson a voice where one was lost, words where there were none, joy when there was little, embrace where there was sorrow, awe where there was boredom and hope when there can be none. He teaches by example - living with integrity, moral dignity, practicing chivalry and tolerance. At the end of the day, Mr.Jackson’s position as a world leader, or as an ambassador of universal concerns cannot be discounted by any means. One simply needs to examine his rich legacy - of awards and honors - to find that his (willing or unwilling) role as a socio-cultural/political icon is reflected in endorsements such as: his nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize, coronation as King of an African village, V.I.P. level status in foreign countries and entry into the Guinness World Records for most humanitarian efforts, to name a few.
Surely, the trivialization of this iconic status prompted the symbolic handcuffs and mugshot release! The older Mr.Jackson was not entirely right in proclaiming that ‘cuffing his sibling was akin to ‘cuffing them all. To add to that, by ‘cuffing the person who is our very voice for the injustice and inequality we witness in the world, we have all felt the suppression, we have been violated. Our idea of freedom was fixed. We do not embrace this.
After stating as much, I expect my views to be called in question for their apparent extremity -hence, I considered pushing for the credibility factor, by trying to add a few perceived ‘human’ faults of Mr.Jackson, but on this black 23rd day of November, 2003, I am personally much too burdened by the level of character assassination and spiteful judgement that has been thrown his way in the last five days, that it would outrun multiple-platinum times, the derision we care to direct towards the proven criminals of our society.
All the above, I have laid down for your contemplation.
I now make a heartfelt, crying appeal to those it may concern to speak out and express your views, and if they somewhat mirror mine, it is plain that we do not merely speak for a talented stranger.. We speak to arrest this self-erosion of humanity. Yes, having a belief in all possibilities, I do not contend that Mr.Jackson is incapable of wrong-doing. My opinions on that matter are personal and irrelevant to the need of the hour - which is, to draw an end to this ongoing derision of human values in the name of celebrity fetish, or what have you.Our resolve strengthened manifold by Mr.Jackson’s typically dignified and peaceful demeanor as he left the Santa Barbara facility, his supporters have reconciled to the reality of having to see such a respectable man being taken through a process wholly disrespectful.
We do not embrace this, and this time, neither do we understand it. In trying to understand - and while this will not be the outcome for everyone in the group - some of us draw consolation from learning, as one of my fellow supporters opined, how vulnerable powerful leaders like Mr.Jackson can be, to destruction, reminding us of our own powerlessness and vulnerability and it re-iterates that in order to keep our sanity in check, true faith should not be misplaced. It re-connects us to the only unchanging, all empowered, mysterious entity that we like to call our Creator.
Therefore, as we, Mr.Jackson’s supporters pray, hope and act in unison for a speedy, humane end to this inhuman ordeal, I ask - if there exists one - the international media monitoring council/body to weigh-in on the issue, and if there isn’t one, I implore the last bastions of journalistic institutions everywhere to jointly set up one. Once again, rules have to be formed and laws need to be made, because human nature allows us to get giddy with our free powers that can be used without compassion.
As Mr.Jackson’s supporters, lately, our hopes and expectations have been tangibly quashed not once, not twice, but thrice - by mysterious forces at work that rob us of the joy of experiencing Mr.Jackson’s art, that steal us of our source of inspiration. To constantly have to deal with this disappointment is no frivolity, especially considering the dire times we live in. I am surprised by the lack of interest among journalists to investigate this strange phenomenon that is working against Mr.Jackson - one that involves a good degree of sensationalism merely because of the unprecedented implications.
For instance, Dick Gregory’s views, not surprisingly gone unnoticed, are worth a read, as is the holy grail of Mr.Jackson’s fans in battling his tarnished image, Mary Fischer’s ‘slam-dunk’ article in G.Q Magazine: ‘Was Michael Jackson framed?’
The paradox of our times then is that we allow our fate to be controlled by masterminds who routinely order killings, while we will not allow ourselves to be confronted by an individual who presents the possibility of a loving world. In Michael Jackson’s words, “Lies run sprints. Truth runs marathons. Truth will win this marathon in court.” To Truth. God speed!
And so on and so forth
Category: Life & Me | 2 Comments | Posted 21:21
God I hate the media. So much of it anyway. Or just people in general. Most of them. I'm also finding MJ fans kinda annoying again now. *ahem*
BML Me is coming to visit tomorrow (did you know that at all?) so I will be off to bed now, as am tired & ill and have to get up at 11am tomorrow (eek, hehe).
My entries are fascinating these days uh? Blame it on my boring life.
Wednesday November 26, 2003
The whole system sucks baby!
Category: Michael Jackson | 3 Comments | Posted 3:21
Well we just finished watching Larry King Live, and I'd love to, and kinda wanted to, write a long entry (yet again) about the media, MJ, prejudice, the fuckedupness of this case and why I am being kinda pessimistic again, and also very misanthropic and disgusted and scornful.... but it's late, and the people I care about know how I feel anyway, and why I feel that way, and the others can just fuck off.
I don't mind being defiled for defending Michael Jackson, I don't even give a fuck if they declare me insane for it, I know why I do it and I know I'm right too. Maybe one day I will be very bored and I'll put it all into words. But if not, well what the fuck, not like I'm gonna convince anyone anyway. They can all die. Ah how great it is to hate, honest.
Thursday November 27, 2003
Triple R
Category: Opinionated | 14 Comments | Posted 20:15
Isn't it interesting how all the people with diaries want each other to update because they're too lazy to do it themselves and they're bored so they want something to read. I'm one of them. UPDATE EVERYONE!
OK for once I shall do it myself. Triple R stands for Rant, Rave & Ramble btw. I've just spent an hour or so filling in an application form for this job - I've arrived at the final (& most intimidating) section now, Additional information in support of your application, so I thought I'd procrastinate a little before wrecking my brains about why I'm the person they absolutely need.
BML Me has come and gone, it was a very short and rather surreal visit. I mean it was less than two days... very strange. We're really not that far apart tho. And soon we'll be even closer. Like, in the same house. I've decided I've had enough of driving to Ryanair airports for a while tho, so I'll fly Lux-Gatwick direct in December. (did I mention we're moving to Brighton? *hehe*)
Ah yes, I was gonna rant and rave. Indeed I would like to voice my disgust at people who can't spell. They creep me out. They make me shudder, tremble and scream in outrage. They do! I cannot tell you how much it irks me that a considerable part of what you read online today is full of the most atrocious spelling (and grammar!) mistakes!
I have the 'privilege' of having been forced to learn grammar and orthography in three languages, none of which is my mothertongue. The advantage of this is that I have learned at school how these languages are constructed - I know the function of the word I'm using. Grammar is boring yes, but pointless it certainly isn't.
Native speakers learn the sounds, they can speak the language by the time they go to school, then they learn to write down the sounds they speak, but they have no idea what they are actually saying. And the contraction of "I could have" sounds like "I could of" - so they write "I could of"! Why does no one teach them it's "I could've"? "I could of done this" makes no fucking sense! (I'd like to stress that I don't mean everyone here! There are plently of English speakers who are perfectly capable of writing correct English!)
Does it matter? YES it does! I mean geez, where are we heading with this? There are countless examples like this - need I point out the eternal "there / they're / their" and "your / you're"?! Don't you people KNOW what you are saying? What are you DOING to your language?? It's our most important means of communication, there's nothing debatable or vague about how you spell a word - there's ONE way to spell things and not another!! Oooh it gives me the creeps to see people so clueless about something they use EVERY FUCKING DAY! Don't you people see what this says about you!?
It's a matter of respect to learn how to spell. Respect for language, respect for those you write to, and respect for yourself too! YES your correspondent will understand your bad misspelt English too, but s/he won't enjoy it - and certainly won't think much of you if you write "their arriving by plane at 3.50"!
OK enough about people who can't spell. In fact, enough full stop. I shall now get back to my application form and compose a well-written essay about my qualifications for this job, devoid of any silly mistakes and misspellings. You'll see!
Friday November 28, 2003
Suicide
Category: Opinionated | 4 Comments | Posted 0:10
How funny. I'd been meaning to do an entry about suicide for a while... I worked sth up in my mind on the drive back from Charleroi, but then the spelling thing took over... and then Lo sent me this link which is strangely related to my thoughts.
I'm quite torn about the issue. I used to believe you can do with your life whatever you want - it's yours after all, it's the only thing you really own & that no one can take from you. And if you think that this life just ain't worth living, then you're free to end it.
I still believe that. Well we're not talking in terms of sin here are we - there is no such thing. Everyone can do with their life what they wanna, right? Cuz it's theirs right? Well that's where I've kinda changed my mind... your life doesn't belong only to you. You have obligations towards people, people who need you, who rely on you, people who will miss you when you're gone.
I mean my dad tried to commit suicide in '96, and his death in 2002 was basically a very slow form of suicide... and I felt abandoned. He chose death (he'd mentioned it often enough), this was a very conscious choice for him, and he'd obviously not had enough reason to stay alive. He left us behind and I felt betrayed. I still resent him for it at times.
I don't know if I'm being fair for it... I mean what if someone really hates their life, they should be allowed to end it right? Maybe it's us being selfish - the ones left behind. We should get over it and let them go. But anyone committing suicide is basically telling his people "you weren't worth it" and that's always hurtful.
You're left with loss, guilt, unanswered questions... suicide sucks. That said, I still support the idea that anyone's free to do with their life whatever they want. In theory. I'd support them too, I mean I wouldn't start the whole guilt thing on anyone (and I never did on my dad when he talked about it). BUT if I found one of my friends trying to commit suicide I'd still call for help (as we did with my dad) - ultimately disrespecting their wish to die. But I guess that would be more of a panic reaction... apart from that, not helping is a crime.
Oh the decadence
Category: Life & Me | 6 Comments | Posted 19:35
I slept until 3.30 today. Wonderful. Well I did get up around noon and had lunch. Then went back to bed. I'm still ill so I'm allowed. I fucking hate my cough tho, I mean the bastard ain't getting better! Let's give it a name so I can swear at it. Chris the cough. Muahaha. Die Chris die!
Was meant to write them bloody application forms for the jobs I'm after. My whole work record got deleted last night, bloody Word, I'd typed it all up, and looked up my bloody earnings too, which was a nightmare as I can't remember them for most of the jobs, and now I have to start again. The form they're providing is crap anyway so will write by hand.
I'm kinda bored. Now that's big news ey. Haven't mentioned squiZZ on here for ages, so: squiZZ. I got permission to do a special page about His Neck. Should do that, but I'm oh so lazy. It's the week-end hooray! Oh, tomorrow's Buy Nothing Day btw - so buy nothing tomorrow!
A whole batch of videos
Category: Video | 20 Comments | Posted 23:58
There, I did something against my boredom and you profit from it. I made lots of videos about different topics. They're mainly about things people suggested.... as usual, since I'm such a boring person I can't think of anything myself.
Disclaimer from Lo: I have nothing to do with the mentioned Seb and ZZ persons. (Citz says: neither have I)
Sunday November 30, 2003
Out of Time
Category: Life & Me | 12 Comments | Posted 1:07
I'm living in limbo. Limbo, I like that word. I use it here in the sense of an intermediate place or state. I'm not really bound by anything, nothing dictates how I should live my life. I can sleep whenever I like, eat whenever I like, read, chat, and watch telly whenever I like. It's gotten to the point where it feels weird to me to go to bed at 11pm - well I guess it is weird considering I got up at 3.30.
I had a dream about JarJar last night. It was a rather peculiar dream. We found I needed to visit her in Oslo, so we started looking at Ryanair timetables and stuff, but the weird thing was, we were actually in the same room doing this... so why would I need to visit her if I was with her already? We ended up deciding it was too much hassle for me to travel all the way. We were still together! I'm weird. Jar is cute tho.
I've started reading Norwegian Wood (rejoice Lo!). Means I've given up on Love in the Time of Cholera tho (hehe). Just... wasn't... going... anywhere. I should read more tho, and waste less time online. Why do I spend so much of my life deliberately being bored? If only I could answer that.... (and no I'm not asking you so shut up!)
PS Oh I forgot - squiZZ.... 
Last Day of November
Category: Randomness | 0 Comments | Posted 21:06
November Rain is playing on one of the music channels. I bet they're gonna cut off the end the bastards, they always do and it's the best bit. Nevermind, I have it on my hard drive.
I am soooooo incredibly bored. I should be finishing my application forms and can't be bothered. I have absolutely nothing to say. What a drag. I slept until 3.30 again today. That's the 3rd day in a row. Why 3.30? Weird time.
The new R.E.M. video is pretty cool tho. Maybe I should watch that again. I bought the new(ish) Moby DVD earlier. There were lots of people out there shopping. Shame I don't like people.
PS They did play it until the end.
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I can't wait to explain that to Joanne. I tried to lure her to New Orleans instead, but she wants to go to Malta. Malta! Anyway, no final decision has been made so far. 
