I am…

Posted on January 17th, 2009 @ 22:45 in Uncategorized

I ain’t done this in a while (previously: one, two, three, four, five, six) and since I somehow feel my life has moved on from when I last did it I thought it would be interesting to do it again.

I am not: religious.
I hurt: in various places at various times but tell myself it is nothing.
I love: Monica. Katja. Barack Obama. Brighton. Paris. New York. Pizza. Placebo. Green. Rainbow. Alisdair. Thomas. My work girls. My ex-horse, and Dani for taking him. Money. My kitchen. My iPhone. (could probably add to this but it has to end at some point)
I hate: my father still, but mostly I don’t really hate. Tho I do have frequent bouts of hating people who are in my way / take ages doing stuff etc.
I fear: unemployment? I am finding this whole recession business quite “exciting” in a way, but I am aware it may come to bite me in the arse. (but I also know that the absolute worst that could happen to me would be having to move back to shithole-luxembourg, applying for a government job – teaching or otherwise – and doing some serious studying to make sure I get the job. tho I guess that’s pretty bad. *lol*)
I hope: I will somehow be able to fulfill my 2009 dream of spending six weeks in the US (which hinges on work giving me six weeks unpaid leave, heh. no I haven’t asked yet). Of course winning the green card lottery would be even cooler. Tho also a bit scary – would I really want to take the massive step of moving there, trying to find a job etc? And if I did win I couldn’t really not do that, I mean what a wasted opportunity! I know, I don’t really have to worry about it cuz I won’t win anyway! :))
I regret: oh I don’t know. I guess I do regret quite a few things, looking back. Shall I take stock?
No, actually I won’t, at least not like this. Yes, I regret a number of things. Countless small things. But in the big scheme of things? Non, je ne regrette rien.
I cry: all too easily. I probably tear up about twice a day, incl. at work, for the most mundane reasons – anything slightly moving. I mostly don’t mind, unless it’s really embarrassing. And OMG Obama inauguration!!!
I care: about the world, and causes, sometimes. But other times I totally don’t.
I always: wear glasses.
I feel alone: I don’t. I like being alone. I also don’t tend to have “alone with people” moments, tho I sometimes used to back when I felt more shit.
I listen: to lots of different kinds of music. Not enough these days tho.
I hide: from responsibility sometimes. And I hide in my flat a lot and don’t go out in the world much. But that’s ok, see above re: alone.
I drive: rarely these days, and was just thinking again yesterday how weird it is that I could’ve changed from being totally addicted to my car, to quite happily relying on public transport.
I sing: along to my music sometimes, very badly.
I write: Facebook messages mostly these days. They’re the new email. To think that I would write thousands of words a day in emails. And I don’t write enough blog entries, but I mostly don’t have enough to say.
I breathe: air. *lol*
I miss: my dad, Charlie, Thomas, and Monica when I haven’t seen or spoken to her for a while. But that isn’t so often these days. πŸ˜€
I search: with Google? For the true meaning of life – not. I sometimes still wonder if I shouldn’t make more of an effort to figure out which way my life should be going, but I guess I’m too comfortable right now to waste time on that. Once I start really hating my job I might try to make a change. Long term I have no idea where my life is going. I can’t quite see myself still working for Amex in 10yrs. But I also somehow can’t not see it. Maybe the aforementioned green card will make the decision easier! πŸ˜€ Or unemployment. 😐
I learn: I dunno. Sorry, don’t have an answer to this that wouldn’t be something I’ve said in one of the previous ones. :))
I feel: like I haven’t achieved an awful lot in life, but out of choice I guess so I should just get used to it.
I know: more stuff than the average person out there I’d say. Yet there is so much I don’t know. But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter, cuz we die anyway. That’s one of the things that really irked me when my dad died – he knew so much, he was such an intelligent man – and now it was all gone! You spend a lifetime accumulating knowledge, and then poof! You take it with you to your grave and it’s lost to the world. I mean sure, you could write it all down in a book, but what use would that book be if no one read it? And all the knowledge is already out there anyway.
Wikipedia – and my iPhone – are great in that way. I often have random questions pop into my head, and now I can just look them up and I’ll have learnt something new. Like where Wall Street or the Jim Crow laws got their names from. Great stuff.
I say: what’s on my mind. Esp. when I’m drunk! πŸ˜€
I crave: nothing. I’ve just had a yummy pizza!
I succeed: if I really want to, but I rarely do. (I know I’ve said this before too, but it still stands)
I fail: to really understand how people can’t see that there is no God. I can understand their desire to believe in a deity, but really, in the face of facts, how can they not see? Esp. that the great monotheistic religions cannot be anything other than a human construct?! It is so obvious from history, yet they’re all convinced that they hold The One Truth. I am less militantly atheist than I was a few years ago but still, sometimes it just makes me want to bash their heads against the wall and shout “are you stupid?!?!?”
I dream: rather vividly these days. And still often about my dad. Oh, and I dream of a better world for our children, and our children’s children and all that yada yada. *lol*
I wonder: I do wonder sth right now but that is a secret. :-$
I want: to know lots of languages without having to actually learn them! πŸ˜€
I worry: um isn’t that kind of similar to the “I fear” above? Do I have to be worried about something else? Sometimes I worry my house is going to burn down. That would suck.
Actually I’m a chronic worrier and a firm believer in Murphy’s law. I also have some sort of warped logic where I fear that if I don’t worry, the thing I’m afraid of is going to happen – sort of to punish me for not worrying.
As an example, I always worry that my luggage is gonna get lost/delayed at airports. However I’ve noticed that recently I’ve worried less and less, because it hasn’t happened in ages (it’s only actually happened to me once). So that in turn makes me worry that because I worry less, it’s more likely to happen now. I dunno, I guess I need something to worry about to feel “whole.” πŸ˜€
I wish: I were thinner. πŸ™‚
I have: a pretty cushy life, thanks to some fortunate circumstances.
I give: – everything I can think of to write here doesn’t apply to me. I don’t give great massages, I don’t give particularly good advice or exciting presents, I don’t really give a damn and I don’t “give up” anymore.
I fight: – I don’t. I’m a lover not a fighter! Ok I’m not a lover, but I’m not much of a fighter either. Too apathetic.
I wait: – I hate waiting. I hate slow people!!!
I need: to read more. Seriously. That’s the only thing I dislike about the iPhone – I don’t read anymore. Oh, and I also need to lose weight, get a proper health check, cancel my Lux health insurance, write my appraisal, do the dishes… etc etc etc.


Dee said on Jan 18, 2009 at 1:34 pm

” I also have some sort of warped logic where I fear that if I don’t worry, the thing I’m afraid of is going to happen – sort of to punish me for not worrying. ”

I do the exact same thing. :/

Clarissa said on Jan 18, 2009 at 5:12 pm

:)) I’m glad I’m not alone.

Mel said on Jan 20, 2009 at 11:27 pm

I’m different. If I dread something’s going to happen I try not to dwell on it because I think that will make the likelihood of it happening less.

Mel said on Jan 20, 2009 at 11:35 pm

…then again, if I feel too happy then I expect something bad to happen so I try not to feel too happy. I’m always “content” at most.

JarJar said on Jan 21, 2009 at 8:34 am

Well I’m sure it’s scientifically proved that the likelyhood of bad things happening is greater if you KNOW they are gonna happen. But it’s just so much EASIER to worry and be negative. 😐


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