This is relevant to my interests

These are two entries, written Tuesday night on the bus, and last night in bed when I should have been sleeping.

Bus entry

One should not have too much time to think. I wonder if anything good ever comes out of thinking too much about yourself. You end up going in circles I think.

Well I guess it depends on the kind of person you are. We listened to Christina Aguilera’s album Stripped on our way back from our trip and Stronger made me think how different that is from what I am. Similar to songs like Survivor by Destiny’s Child, Who I Am by Brandy and Thank You by Jamelia. I don’t think any of the bad experiences I’ve had in human relations have made me stronger or given me a thicker skin. They have made me warier and more distrustful if anything. I must conclude that my natural tendency to shun relationships is what shapes my reaction to these experiences.

I read this interview earlier with psychiatrist Florian Holsboer in Spiegel magazine who was keen to link ALL “reactions to external events” such as PTSD and depression to genetics. Personally I tend to take a middle ground in nature vs nurture (or genetics vs external factors, if you will), but I do often wonder why I am so categorically opposed to relationships in my life. Sure, I have my fair share of bad role models, but no more than many other people I know who still crave companionship.

This, by the way, is a stream of consciousness entry, which gives me the, um, artistic freedom to go off on random tangents or even jump to completely new thoughts.

Something else I was thinking about earlier doesn’t make much sense anymore now. I am SO tired. I should have slept on the bus (which is where I am now) instead of being restless, but it didn’t work (I tried. tho not too hard). Instead I have now texted Alex I likely won’t be in until 10am tomorrow. People routinely call in with “oh I can’t make it, I am so tired, I got in at 1am!!” when I’ve been known to go into work after an overnight stay at the airport with barely 3hrs of sleep.

… different train of thought again. I love Michael Stipe. I have not been obsessed with him for a while. Why is 666 the number of the beast btw? (this has absolutely nothing to do with Michael Stipe btw, who is as divine as they get. my laptop battery is at 66%, which sparked this thought). I’d look it up except I have no Internet. Only iPhone and that’s too fiddly. [after getting home: wiki link]

Soon I’ll be home. Oh I can tell you about my plans! We’ve just passed those weird pillars framing the motorway, sth like symbolic city boundaries. Anyway, my plans. I will buy a bike and I will cycle. I will buy a sewing machine and I will try to learn how to use it. The third plan is secret for now as I would like it to be a surprise if I do manage, and if I don’t (which is more likely), then I’d rather not get people’s hopes up lol (it’s not something I’ve attempted before). All three of those plans involve buying something before it even starts, which is probably stupid, cuz I just end up spending money and giving up. That is very much like my father.

My Macbook gets very confused by the street lights. The light sensors you know. The screen and keyboard keep lighting up and dimming down. Poor thing.

I am tired. Oh I’ve already said that. Well we’re actually in Brighton so it really won’t be long now so I might as well wrap this up. Will edit and publish tomorrow. IF I do.

Bed entry

It is 5am, I am awake and have been for, um, four hours. Went to bed straight after I got home from trying to see an exhibish with Antje. I know, my sleeping habits are appalling and I should feel bad and do something about them, but I think these weekends sort of let me keep up the pretense that I am still a student with not a care in the world (as opposed to an American Express employee with not a care in the world lol).

Thursday was Mandy’s birthday and we were invited for dinner, it was very nice and I stayed way too late (which contributed to the collapse-into-bed yesterday evening). They have a Netbook, I kinda want one. It’s some kind of no-name I think, it was only £300 or sth, so so tempting to buy but really, it would be a bit silly wouldn’t it. I have a Macbook Air, which is pretty sexy, if not as sexy as my Tommy. I think part of Tommy’s appeal was that he was pretty high-end. And that is also (a large) part of the reason why I went for a MacAir this time. Everyone‘s got one of them tiny Netbooks now, and I don’t want to have what everyone has. I guess that makes me a gadget-snob. :)) (and I guess that would also make me a bad iPhone candidate. admittedly I still derive some satisfaction from the fact that I bought a 1st gen one, back when not every idiot could afford one. *cough*).

I am listening to a Placebo playlist on Youtube. Not sure what’s going on with Last.fm, does it cost money now? At any rate, it won’t play on the Mac and I am too lazy to figure out why. Three days and a bit until I get to see my most delicious Brian again. =P~ Ah I was actually gonna work out when I last saw them – ages ago it seems. […] Geez effing Christ, it really was at that Festival in Lux in July 2007. That’s just insane.

Incidentally, have I mentioned that’s also when I last went to Luxembourg? I know I said it on Twitter and Facebook, but I’d like to elaborate. Seriously, it’s been almost two years, and I don’t miss it one bit, and have no inclination whatsoever to go. Dani (who I’ve given my horse to) asked me when I’m coming next and we should go for a ride, and that sounded kinda tempting, but nothing else about it does. This is interesting (this is relevant to my interests lol) because I just read entries from three (!) years ago, including this one:

Ah ja, I also told people back home I would definitely stay abroad until I’m thirty, and then I’d see. […] But for now I am probably happier here than in Lux. I do have a lot of friends back there, but going back there for 5 days and meeting someone different every day is hardly representative of what everyday life would be like.

Weird stuff. I remember that time, and I think I even remember sitting on that train listening to Come On Home (you’ll have to follow the link, it goes on for a bit). I think if I remember correctly, back then I was stuck in between jobs and worried and stuff, so Luxembourg was calling as a sort of “safe harbour.” I’m almost 32 now and I’m still here, so it’s interesting to read back on that. I certainly still consider Lux a “safe harbour”, esp. in the context of the recession etc, but it’s really more of an abstract concept at the back of my mind in case it all goes wrong here. In practice I can’t imagine moving back at all right now (and I say right now because who knows, this may change – some stuff is so unpredictable). But also reading that Placebo festival entry, I go on about how much I hate it.

And appropriately, Burger Queen live in Luxembourg just came on my iTunes. Placebo. 😡