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On the anticipation of pain

Posted on March 12th, 2021 @ 13:12 in Uncategorized

I am terrified of dentists. I know many people are, so this is not unusual. But most dentists I’ve had in my life were pretty gentle and respected my wishes. Except the first two. The first guy was a total brute who gave nowhere near enough anaesthetic and the whole procedure was an ordeal. The second one was only a little better. More »

 
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End of Year Survey 2020

Posted on December 31st, 2020 @ 20:40 in Uncategorized

I’ve just reread a bunch of these and I am really glad I have them, so I will keep doing them. Even if I am the only person to read them. 😂

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Ten Years Sober!

Posted on January 1st, 2020 @ 00:00 in Uncategorized

At the end of December 2019 I marked ten years sober. I’d been thinking for a while how I want to “celebrate” this milestone and so far, all I’ve done is buy a print that seemed apt, by an artist I’ve liked for a while. More »

 
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End of Year Survey 2019

Posted on December 25th, 2019 @ 21:19 in Uncategorized

As long as I keep these up my blog can stay, right? And it’s interesting to read old ones. So. I’ll be glad of them when I’m old and retired. 😄

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Only Connect

Posted on July 12th, 2019 @ 11:50 in Uncategorized

I am currently reading I Am the Messenger by Markus Zusak. It is super-touching in the way this young guy, who’s kind of a loser, deeply connects with people when he’s given “missions” to deliver messages to random strangers (and finally his friends). He is the kind of person I wish I could be in the ideal version of myself. But I know I will never be this, in fact my real self doesn’t even want to be this.

I do not want to be, I cannot get close to people. Back when I was drinking I was still able to do this – too much of it, of course, too far, too intensely – which was not good for anyone either. I am pretty sure I drank in part to enable me to do that, just as much as I was trying to ward off fear. Yes, you don’t need to tell me that the fear and the distance are linked. Getting close to people is SCARY. Letting people get close to me is even scarier, but the Messenger protagonist never actually does that. He remains mostly a blank slate to them. And it’s still scary.

I cannot say I am… unhappy the way I am? Intensely solitary and self-sufficient. So if society weren’t constantly telling us that social connections are vital to our well-being, I might not be bothered at all. I read these books, or stories about real people like this, and I have this wish to be a better person. I don’t know that I expect to be happier that way. They say no (wo)man’s an island. I don’t know. I have no idea where I’m going with this, but I felt the need to write it down just now. I’ll now go finish my book.

 
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Michael Jackson – the Reckoning

Posted on March 6th, 2019 @ 18:37 in Uncategorized

Well, this is the hardest blog post I’ve had to write in a long time. Why am I writing it? I think I am trying to make sense of my own thoughts and feelings. And I feel I owe it to… myself, and the MJ fan I was/am. More »

 
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Sun is all I need

Posted on February 5th, 2019 @ 18:58 in Uncategorized

All I need is sun, tatadadada…

Today the sun shone and my spirit smiled. Seriously, the difference it makes is ridiculous. Of course, my various other headfixing strategies may also have contributed to my improved state of mind. I’ve started taking 5-HTP again. And meditating. I recommend this talk by Haemin Sumin, a Korean Buddhist monk, on Tara Brach’s podcast. It was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear at the moment. More »

 
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Unmessing my head

Posted on February 4th, 2019 @ 22:20 in Uncategorized

O hai, my head is a mess and I am not sure how to deal with that. Isn’t that interesting. More »

 
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End of Year Survey 2018

Posted on December 28th, 2018 @ 20:57 in Memes

15th in a row! Maybe at some point I will stop doing these. But not now, cuz I actually have nothing else to do just now.
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Fantastic summer summary

Posted on November 13th, 2018 @ 16:57 in Uncategorized

I moved my blag. By which I mean, I have a new web host. After 15 years! So to celebrate that, I will write one of my very rare non-travelogue, non-end-of-year-survey blog posts. For I have stuff to share! More »

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