So here’s the deal [an update]

There is none. Haha! *cough* Ahem, anyway, I thought it was time to jot down some random thoughts again. I read a column by my beloved Max Goldt the other day where he basically just makes lots of random little unconnected points. Of course he’s acerbic and hilarious while doing it, while I will be dull and self-indulgent. But hey, he gets paid for it and I get charged (at least for the webspace).

So as hopefully you will all know, I have cut and dyed my hair again and am once more short and red. I dunno, does this thing have readers who don’t have me on either Facebook or Twitter? I mean, excluding the casual ones that get here by googling “they need to do way instain mother“. Incidentally, by far the most search results now leading to my domain are related to the MJ Sex God Site – some even end up there with just the search phrase “sexy site”. People are weird. It is interesting tho how high that site has climbed again in Google’s results, even tho I only posted it in a private Facebook group. Perhaps it was still listed on some sites from before I’d removed it (when in the meantime, and for at least 2 years I think, the domain had pointed to the White House *lol*).

Anyway. Hair. Am thinking of colouring it rainbow for Pride (which really isn’t that long now). My Thomas will hopefully be coming down again, which will be nice. I hope I can get time off, since I suspect other people in the team may have already claimed that time. Incidentally, I was gonna check what the theme is this year. Ha. “Pride in Brighton & Hove is delighted to announce the theme for this year’s celebrations is OUT OF THIS WORLD.” That seems like a perfect excuse to drag a cardboard David Tennant (adorned with a rainbow feather boa, perhaps?) through the streets.

PR releases are funny things.

This is brilliant. It’s fantastic for all our customers and staff involved in the fund-raiser. Pride in Brighton & Hove is such an important event for the whole community; we are proud to support the charity and look forward to an Out of This World Pride 2011.

Seriously, what. the. fuck. This could be said about anything, anywhere. “This is brilliant. It’s fantastic for all our [group of people] involved in the [event]. [Umbrella event] is such an important event for the whole community; we are proud to support the [organisation] and look forward to [a future event].” There! Versatile building block for your positive release, usable under almost any circumstances! I’ll write you one for a negative release too! “We regret that this [negative event] has caused inconvenience to our [group of people] and we hope for their understanding. It is thanks to [positive spin] that [dramatically tragic catastrophe] has been avoided…” (actually, you’re not supposed to mention tragic catastrophe, because then you’ve put it in people’s minds and they will associate it with you even if it didn’t happen… um anyway, where was I?).

Yes, Pride. And Thomas. Having him here was really rather marvellous, having him leave… not so much. I’m currently a bit confused, because I had just been discussing with Sonia (counsellor) my inability (or subconscious unwillingness, according to her) to experience emotions, and how that was potentially a safer place for me right now… and then suddenly I started wondering if really, this feelinglessness didn’t kinda suck, cuz sure, when I was depressed I was miserable and wanted to kill or cut or drink myself to death, but at least there was something in my life, right? But then after Thomas left I fell into a bit of a dark hole, which of course was only a faint echo of the darkness I used to know, but it made me realise, again, I think, that feelings aren’t so great after all. It also made me question the positive ones again, which do invariably lead to negative ones later, so what’s the point, right? Better not to care about people in the first place etc.

But I think I’m on the way back up. The temporary (and still ongoing) Freddie Mercury obsession is really interesting in that context tho. Freddie was my first “dead” crush, if you wanna call it that, and oh, how poor tortured 16-year-old me cried her eyes out for him. I was also, during that fairly brief (2-3 years?) “extreme Queen” phase, a far more, um, obsessive fan than I ever was for Michael Jackson. I have never known MJ interviews by heart, I can’t do his moves, and the only biography I’ve read is Moonwalk. But Queen, wow, I knew everything about them (and this was before Internet times), I’d watched their videos hundreds, and most available documentaries dozens of times. So while my Queen knowledge is kinda “rusty”, it’s definitely still there, and diving back into it is a bit like re-visiting the house you grew up in. Warm and familiar, with many happy memories, but also rather sad because you’re looking at the past, at something you can never truly experience again.

And of course it’s also very sad because, well, he did die, aged only 45, and he was a marvellous, wonderful person, and it certainly wasn’t a pleasant way to die, and don’t you wish you could’ve made it better for him, or made it all go away? (fucking disease) But of course you’ve never even met him, and he was already dead when you became a fan of his.

And you know what else made me sad about watching the documentaries? All these things I will never get to experience! I will never go (or have gone) to a rock concert in the 70es, I will never have lived in England in the 80es! It all seems like a different reality, a different universe almost, that I only ever get to experience second hand. And it looked so much fun! (tho maybe Thatcher, not so much)

So yeah. That has been my state of mind recently, but the Freddie thing actually allowed me to channel my sadness into something external. Fuck real people, I’ll pine over somebody long gone. THAT’S THE SPIRIT! :)) I also did overtime at work cuz I figured, if I’m miserable anyway I may as well do something productive. Kinda not worth it tho, for the tiny amount of money you get. I really need to decide what to do with my life. *lol*

As far as the more immediate future is concerned, there seems to be lots of stuff going on again, which is good, right? We like stuff. This is the stuff:

• 17-20 June: Paris with Charlotte. Getting inked on the Friday, not sure yet what happens the other days. No bike apparently (she doesn’t cycle), but I’m sure I’ll survive.
• 25-26 June: Supposedly meeting Kate & family who’re back in the UK from NZ for a few weeks. Either in Portland, or here, or somewhere in between.
• 2 July: Janet, Miss Jackson if you’re nasty, with Alisdair and Molkoboy. Presumably I’ll stay the night? Dunno.
• 9 July: The incomparable David Tennant in (yawn) Much Ado About Nothing. It got great reviews! Also, he’s delectable. Tho not currently as squishable as Freddie Mercury. *lol*
• 26 July: Maybe Ange coming down to Brighton for a day? She too is going to see David. I do hope she’ll make it tho.
• 13-14 August: Pride, with hopefully a Thomas, and a few days either side off work if possible. (followed by inevitable sadness *lol*)
• 27 Aug – 3 Sep: New York City, babay! Wow, when you look at it like that it’s really rather soon, uh?

And after that summer will be almost over, which of course is a whole new reason to get depressed. But let’s keep things in perspective, people. That’s months away yet.

And now it’s very very late and I must sleep.