Dear Michael

Posted on January 6th, 2011 @ 22:53 in Uncategorized

I have never really said goodbye. There was a meme going round on your birthday last year where people wrote their “message to Michael Jackson” on Twitter, and I tried then to write an entry, but I couldn’t. I don’t know if I can now but I just read this blog entry which brought up all sorts of feelings so I’m going to try.

I’ve written you various letters over the years and I wish I’d kept copies now. But mostly I think they said things like “thank you so much for everything, you have no idea what you mean to me”. This one of course you’ll never receive, but at least I know that I was able to tell you, and show you, that I loved you while you were still around, and I know you did feel loved by your fans. So even if you were often reviled by the world at large, there was that.

It was odd when you died and suddenly everyone was in mourning and writing all these glowing eulogies. I felt comforted, but also incredibly sad. It was, of course, too little, far too late. And we had lost OUR Michael, to them you were “nothing but” a great musician, a megastar of course, but they could never understand what you had been to us. It felt strange because you were SO huge, and MILLIONS of people had been MJ fans at some point or other, and then there was that that “crazy core” to whom you meant so much more.

We had lost a huge part of our lives. And we were certainly laughed at, yet there were also really moving outpourings of sympathy. Some people expressed their condolences as if I’d lost a family member (which in a way I had). My mum even sent a card. It touched me that she respected what a tragedy this was for me. It made me cry of course, but then those first few weeks after you died I cried pretty much the whole time anyway.

I still miss you, terribly. Hardly a day goes by where something random doesn’t remind me of you and make me well up. And you are everywhere, constantly. My Facebook feed is full of people posting the latest news about Conrad Murray’s hearing, or photos of some past events they went to, or links to the latest video. And sometimes it becomes too much and I want to make it all go away, delete them all and shut myself off from it all. But I know I need those people, I am one of them and I don’t want to lose the only thing that’s left. They often piss me off, the whole lot of them, with their bickering, their elitism, their know-it-all attitudes and their conspiracy theories. But they understand how I feel. We all grieve in our own private way, but we’re not alone in our pain.

I wonder if you had any idea of the grandeur and the beauty of what you have created. Not just the music, but all the people you have brought together. The experiences you have granted us all, they will enrich our lives forever. There will never in a thousand years be enough words to express my gratitude, and my humility, and my eternal awe in the face of all that you have given us. I know this sounds like hyperbole, but it isn’t. My life would be immeasurably poorer without you, and I am just one of thousands of people you have touched in a similar way (millions if you count everyone who enjoyed your music and concerts and videos, but I am mainly now talking about those “crazy fans” who followed you around and made friends in likeminded people).

You know, I think you have helped me understand that stupid saying “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Because I usually hate that sentiment, you see. Spare me the pain at all costs, I don’t want the good times. But the thought of having missed out on all those things – the music, the concerts, the insanity, the countless friends, the excitement and the hysteria, and above all, the deep love you shared with us – I’ll take the pain for the privilege of having experienced all of that. Even knowing that, when I die at 70 or whatever, I will have had 21 years of love and joy in my life, and 38 years of missing you.

I could keep rambling forever. I would tell you anything you wanted to hear! I’d rewrite history for you if I could, and there would still be too many things left unsaid. And anything I say will always be inadequate. And though I don’t believe in God, or karma, or even some cosmic balance, I hope that somehow, in some weird way, the love we all have for you compensates you at least partly for everything you have given us, and the pain you suffered.

And I miss you.

7 Comments

 
Evelien said on Jan 6, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Thank you for sharing, that is beautifully written. I really agree with you on being grateful for the experience despite the pain we now feel, and also about that special feeling he gave us and the way he changed our lives forever. Especially that last one is so hard to put into words, because it is so much a gut feeling… I am sure that if we could have, we would have beared his pain for him and maybe that is in the end the saddest thing of all: that we could not. But we could let him know that we cared, and I am glad, like you said, that we were able to let him feel that joy 🙂


 
 
Marie Therese said on Jan 7, 2011 at 5:28 pm

This was the most honest I have read about missing him. I honestly don’t remember much from June 09 to the end of that same year. It was tears, it was laughter. It was a lot of celebrating his music. It was opening all my windows and making the people on the street hear his music. It was talking about him to everyone I met. It was watching videos of him and cry later. It was talking to my boyfriend late at night about MJ, a boyfriend who don’t care for MJ as I do, but someone that sees someone is in pain. It was countless hours online trying to find some kind of understanding (even some kind of, could he really be gone now? What if…) It was a feeling of guilt where I asked, did I love him enough? Was I a good enough fan? Those types of feelings and what I did during that time. I look at pictures, but it’s not really me. I am smiling, but it is like an shocking, forced smile; I didn’t know how to behave. I spent more hours with mj fans than I did with my boyfriend, I sticked to them as glue (still is) I think many of us are feeling this way. The rollercoaster ride you write about how you feel about the fans, the love and hate relationship we sometimes feel towards “our” group of fans, is true. Many of us simple don’t know how to deal. I am doing well, (at least no memory loss since 09) but there are certain things I just don’t know how to deal thinking about, and for me it is the fact that it will be no more new pictures, words, music and just MJ going shopping somewhere in the world. There are so many things, it’s hard to explain and even admit. All those things lost, it is frightening because it’s almost like you’re starting a new.

I am happy to know that he was loved, and happy for all those fans that made all those travels to see him and support him. I don’t think no one would really understand how much that must have meant to him. We are a dedicated, everyone knows, but Michael knew it the most; we always had his back even though the road were sometimes hard because there were far too many holes in the way, but we got there with him, and I hope, I know, he knew how much people loved and cared for him.

Thanks for your honest post. I appreciated reading it a lot.


 
 
Cat said on Jan 7, 2011 at 7:02 pm

beautifully written, everyday I think about him but always smile thru the tears, remembering the Greatest Performer That Ever Lived…..

L.O.V.E


 
 
Clarissa said on Jan 7, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Thanks to both of you. There are still so many other, often conflicting, feelings I left out, and I totally agree with what you said about the guilt Tris. I was actually thinking just a few days ago about how we would often”bitch” about him on forums and question his decisions, and what fools we were. Not that he’d read it or anything, but if only we’d realised how lucky we were to have anything to bitch about!

And I totally agree Evelien, I think the most tragic thing about it all is how much he went through, and how much of it was unnecessary and vicious. It made me really upset when he was still alive, and even more so now. What a beautiful, generous being he was, he deserved it less than anyone, and yet here we are.

But I do feel incredibly lucky and privileged to have been one of his fans. I can’t remember who it was that said about how lucky we all are to be living in the same lifetime as Michael Jackson – we were even luckier to have shared something special with him.


 
 
Marie Therese said on Jan 8, 2011 at 9:03 am

That is true, Clarissa. We are lucky. I know fans that became a fan when he died. They are so incredible dedicated towards anything MJ right now. It breaks my heart actually when I hear some of them say they “figured him out” too late. Isn’t that kinda sad? It is. Therefor the fans who was there and loving his music and supporting him the best way we knew possible, we have experienced a lot, and we should be thankful for all the great memories we have.

I can’t believe it’s almost 1 and a half year ago. Regarding everything Michael Jackson, I’m still in 2009. I am stuck! Maybe the trial will help? Who knows, we’ll see how it turns out.

About the guilt thing, that is the one of the worst feelings I went through. Even though I was on forums all the time, doing some kind of job there, there’s always that feeling of why didn’t I do more you know? You know someone said, that Michael had said not long ago, that he was afraid he wasn’t that loved any longer. I don’t know how true that is, but if you have been a fan for many years, you can kinda imagine Michael going around thinking just that. Because, all he wanted was to be loved. We know he had said that in the past.

I hope he know, somehow, even if you believe in some higher spirit or not, that he felt that in the end, and especially after June 25, he was loved. I have never seen, or heard, the world coming together and crying and celebrating his life all at once as they did after June. That alone is incredible, and it shocked me. I think the whole world was shocked. Everyone kept asking “what know?” Such a big of a star, simply just don’t die like that.


 
 
Dee said on Jan 10, 2011 at 4:00 pm

That was just beautiful and has now made me cry :*(
I don’t even know what to say other than that, but thanks for sharing, it was a very nice read.


 
 
Dee said on Jan 10, 2011 at 4:01 pm

And that was meant to be a crying smilie, but have a kiss too *lol*


 

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