Brave little trooper

Posted on August 14th, 2009 @ 23:01 in Uncategorized

You know it’s odd how sometimes it still hits me – oh my God, MJ really is dead. Well, it’s not that odd. And yet it is. I mean I know by now, right?

Generally I’m still doing pretty good – and still healthy, and fitnessy. But I’ve recently had some moments of downness. Probably all hormone-related, as Katja would say.

There are two conflicting emotions, and actually they remind me of when my dad died (a lot of this reminds me of when my dad died). On the one hand there’s fear. “He’s dead and he’ll never come back and how are we going to cope?” You know, sometimes I feel like it’s just a test – “let’s see how you do in that MJ-less world”, and then it strikes me again that this is no test, this is how it is now. THIS is the world now. It has no MJ. And it’s scary.

This too is odd in a way because there wasn’t that much interaction between his life and mine any longer. Sure, I’d get to see him every once in a while when he came to the UK, but most of the influence he had on my life was based in the past, and would not be changed by the fact that he is no longer alive. And yet in my mind the world has fundamentally changed due to the fact that he is no longer in it. All of his music takes on a different meaning. Everything he said. Everything that is said about him. And even everything that happens that isn’t at all related to Michael Jackson – it would be different in a world that still had him in it.

The other thing – very much the other side of the coin – is the inevitability of this happening. And that is exactly how it was with my dad. We all knew he wouldn’t live to be 80, right? I know I’ve always been painfully aware that MJ would die before me, and that I would have to go through this at some point. And so now sometimes when I walk past a newsagent with tribute issues on display I get these moments of “yes, so now is that time” – and it’s almost like a déjà-vu. The aftermath of his death unfolds, just as it was meant to, and I’m sort of impassively watching it, sitting through it as I knew I would eventually have to.

Except for when the realisation strikes again that this is real. This is it. And isn’t it eerie, that choice of a slogan for his tour? I’m sure loads of people have pointed it out (I don’t read boards, and don’t read much press about him either). It is uncanny tho.

Oh I don’t really know where this is going. I guess I just wanted to vent a little bit. All in all – hence the title – I am getting on with life though, and proud to say that over a month on I am still sticking to the resolutions made in the “Aftermath” entry. That’s something at least.


stagiaire said on Aug 15, 2009 at 2:22 pm

You’re lucky you realize a lot better already that MJ’s gone. I still don’t really understand it. Maybe I’ll never will. Maybe my trip to London will help.

Clarissa said on Aug 15, 2009 at 11:17 pm

Hm. Yeah I didn’t really have a problem realising it. I think maybe it’s just part of my negativity, the “I knew this would happen” I have.
And maybe I’ve been more exposed to other fans etc? But you’re on boards quite a lot aren’t you. I dunno. We’ll see what London does for you :-/


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