By way of an explanation…

Posted on June 17th, 2007 @ 23:54 in Uncategorized

… well not really but just as an interim update. Many of you will know what’s been going on, and some of you will have experienced the unpleasant fallout. And I’m truly sorry about that.

I’ve been feeling really shit lately. I’ve been trying to write about it for a while, but mostly I don’t manage to keep the necessary emotional stability for long enough to piece an entry together. I do want to write about it tho, and hopefully I will manage eventually, because it’s a big thing.

It says so much about me as a person, it seems to be such a fundamental part of who I am, and what my problems are, and what I have to overcome, that it would probably really help to put it all down in writing – not just in jumbled sad-upset-angry chats, but with some distance and some structure.

But I don’t know if I can do that now, and I can’t say if I ever will. Right now it all kinda seems like that entry about my father that I have been trying to write for years: whenever I start it’s just too much, there are too many layers, and when I write about one aspect and think I have got it down, another one emerges that I had not yet considered. It’s like a bottomless pit.

It’s the same with this, tho I guess it’s not that surprising cuz it’s recent and I am still trying to digest it. I never finish finding new aspects and complexities, new interpretations of old behaviours, new reasons to blame myself, new things I should have foreseen. I still haven’t drawn my final conclusion from it. And I don’t even know if there is one.

[…] And now I’ve just spent ages again talking about it and uncovering yet more (disturbing) aspects of it, and more reasons to question myself, and have I already said bottomless pit? So I shall leave it at that since there is absolutely no point. For now.

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