Oh God Michael :(

Posted on July 17th, 2009 @ 21:44 in Uncategorized

[originally written 30th June. posting as is, just removed the end as it was an unfinished thought]

Ok. This is actually really fucking hard. I’ve gone through so many thoughts and emotions since Thursday night. I’ve met a number of people going through their own thoughts and emotions, and spoken to many others online and through text.

I want this to be about him as much as it is about us. But of course it will always be about what he means to ME. What he meant to so many people, including many of my closest friends whom I met thanks to him, who populate my life and now share my sadness.

But also many many others, I have been quite blown away by the outpouring of grief across the world (tho it’s really not that unexpected). But all the people being moved, the non-fans expressing their condolences, the sorta fans being shaken by the end of this guy’s life who was, without a doubt, one of the biggest musical geniuses of our time… and also one of its most tragic figures… it has really moved me.

But Jesus fucking Christ, he meant so much more to us than to the rest of you fuckers out there, and we reserve the right to be truly upset. You’re allowed to be sad – he was after all one of the biggest musical artists throughout two generations and many of you out there have fond memories of him. But we claim ownership.

He was ours – in the early 90es when the Bad star faded, and certainly after 1993 when half the world decided he was a kiddie fiddler. And a little more after 2001 & the “omg look at him!” MSG concert, and then more still after 2005 and the next fucking trial, even tho he was acquitted on all 10 counts.

And I say this as a fan who has certainly done her fair share of criticizing. I think most of us did, and many of us ridiculed those who would just religiously gobble up and defend anything and everything he did (and those people would change across the years). I had my issues with him, but I never stopped loving, even during the phases where I grew more distant, and there were many of those.

And of course it’s facile to go “wah wah wah” after someone dies, even for fans, and I am quite aware of that and have moments of guilt for maybe not having been “enough of a fan” during his final months or years (not that he would’ve noticed); and also sometimes now when I’m, you know, coping, even listening to his songs without crying, it makes me feel guilty. But we must all cope in our own way.

[the end, tho of course it was meant to go on]


Vega said on Jul 18, 2009 at 8:09 am

I sooo agree! (Almost) every singe word.

(I dont feel guilty about not having been enough of a fan during the last years, Im alright with that)

Clarissa said on Jul 18, 2009 at 4:24 pm

I’m alright with that now too, but I wasn’t when I wrote this.

JarJarJar said on Jul 18, 2009 at 4:46 pm

Ja, I don’t feel guilty for not being fan enough or something the last years either, I do however regret it in a way. I wish I’d gone to see him more because now I know I will never get the chance again. But on the other hand if he hadn’t died I know I wouldn’t have felt that need. (Though I do suspect I would have become more obsessed again after/during the concerts, since the lack of anything exciting/artistic from him is part of what made me lose a lot of interest in the first place.)

I am still… it’s wrong to say I’m not sad about his death because I am, but for me personally it’s not like an intense pain or feeling of loss because it feels like he’s still so very much here. Like with Papaya when she was gone it hurt so much every day because she was physically NOT THERE anymore, everywhere I turned she was NOT THERE, but with MJ I obviously don’t have that. I still have to get used to that he’s actually…dead, it’s like I keep forgetting. I am more sad for HIM… it’s probably stupid but when we went to see Harry Potter last night I was thinking “oh poor Michael doesn’t get to see any new fun movies anymore… he’s gonna miss out on so much now”… but it’s not like he’ll know. 😐 ANd I’m sad for him that it seems he’s had more to struggle with than I was aware of. And I’m very sad for his kids. And I’m also, I don’t know if I’m sad or annoyed or happy or what, but it feels very weird to me that so many people (and media) now all speak about how great he was. In one way I’m happy because WELL YES!!! he was, but it would have meant so much to him to hear some of that when he was actually here. Especially Bashir, how does he even have the nerve to say anything at all now?!

raaaaaaaaambling 😐

Clarissa said on Jul 19, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Oh I never did reply to that did I. But then we have discussed him at length on Yahoo by now. I agree with how you feel about everyone saying how great he was. It would’ve been nice if they’d “noticed” that earlier, but then that’s usually the way it goes.
And I don’t know what Bashir said, I heard/read that he said sth but I didn’t bother finding out what it was. 😐


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