Oh God Michael :(

[originally written 30th June. posting as is, just removed the end as it was an unfinished thought]

Ok. This is actually really fucking hard. I’ve gone through so many thoughts and emotions since Thursday night. I’ve met a number of people going through their own thoughts and emotions, and spoken to many others online and through text.

I want this to be about him as much as it is about us. But of course it will always be about what he means to ME. What he meant to so many people, including many of my closest friends whom I met thanks to him, who populate my life and now share my sadness.

But also many many others, I have been quite blown away by the outpouring of grief across the world (tho it’s really not that unexpected). But all the people being moved, the non-fans expressing their condolences, the sorta fans being shaken by the end of this guy’s life who was, without a doubt, one of the biggest musical geniuses of our time… and also one of its most tragic figures… it has really moved me.

But Jesus fucking Christ, he meant so much more to us than to the rest of you fuckers out there, and we reserve the right to be truly upset. You’re allowed to be sad – he was after all one of the biggest musical artists throughout two generations and many of you out there have fond memories of him. But we claim ownership.

He was ours – in the early 90es when the Bad star faded, and certainly after 1993 when half the world decided he was a kiddie fiddler. And a little more after 2001 & the “omg look at him!” MSG concert, and then more still after 2005 and the next fucking trial, even tho he was acquitted on all 10 counts.

And I say this as a fan who has certainly done her fair share of criticizing. I think most of us did, and many of us ridiculed those who would just religiously gobble up and defend anything and everything he did (and those people would change across the years). I had my issues with him, but I never stopped loving, even during the phases where I grew more distant, and there were many of those.

And of course it’s facile to go “wah wah wah” after someone dies, even for fans, and I am quite aware of that and have moments of guilt for maybe not having been “enough of a fan” during his final months or years (not that he would’ve noticed); and also sometimes now when I’m, you know, coping, even listening to his songs without crying, it makes me feel guilty. But we must all cope in our own way.

[the end, tho of course it was meant to go on]