Friday June 4, 2004

None the wiser

Category: Me about me | 4 Comments | Posted 17:15

Sooo I'm back from Luxembourg. Nothing much has changed. I had loads of time to think of course, but the way I feel about my problems changes almost hourly according to the state of mind I'm in, so I can never really seem to come to a satisfactory conclusion. One instant I'm convinced everything has to change immediately, then the next I think I won't ever manage to go through with that anyway so I may as well give up and leave things as they are. Which is of course a sign of weakness.

I was actually gonna do a long entry about how I've fucked up and achieved absolutely nothing altho I had all the chances yadda yadda but I don't think I can still be bothered now. I don't wanna sound all self-pitiful and that's what it is. I just don't quite know where to go and how to get out of this. I'm kind of expecting other people to solve my problems for me cuz I feel I don't have the strength myself. Of course in most cases that ain't gonna happen.

I'm making it too easy for myself by hiding behind excuses like genetics and fate and whatnot. I'm aware of that... so I should be able to fight it and improve... but I am too weak, and that's something I can't change... and so on, it's a fucking vicious circle that I may never get out of. You can say "if you believed in yourself you could do it." That's one way to look at it. But you can also say "you're trying to find the easiest way out for yourself." Either way I can't change the way I feel.

Hm, most of this probably makes sense to no one but me (and those who've listened to me whinge about all my issues). I'm not really expecting any advice or anything anyway (I'd close the comments but then I'll get shouted at). Was just thinking aloud really... sort of a conclusion of my so-called "internet break". Maybe I'll finally follow Jimmy's advice and go see a therapist again. But the point is I have to want to change... :-?


I think you want to change, you just don't want to do the changing. You want to wake up tomorrow and have changed.

I think the next time you're in the frame of mind of WANTING to change, you should write down how you feel and the reasons why you will be happier if you do change. And when you feel depressed, write down how you feel like shit. Make them short and to the point, and put them on your wall or somewhere you'll always see them. The next time you think you can't be arsed changing, look at the list you made of how depressed you were, and then look at the list of how much happier you'll be if you DID change.

It's worth a try, of course it may not work... but not much will other than just... I dunno, getting the strength from somewhere one day.


Posted by: The BML at Fri June 4, 2004 19:21

>> You want to wake up tomorrow and have changed.
Well yes obviously. That would be neat. But I think it's not just a process of "changing who I am" and then suddenly being someone else and dealing with life differently.

As I believe I said to you on Sunday, changing my ways would be a constant struggle against who I really am. Getting up each morning thinking "yet another day where I have to fight who I really am". And I'm not sure if I can face a life like that.

Hm @ your idea. That reminds me of when I tried to diet and told myself "each time you wanna eat think of Christina in the Genie in a Bottle video and you'll be motivated". Didn't work - altho I really DID want to look like that! But then when you feel differently again it just doesn't have the same effect anymore. Plus there's good old denial of course.

Posted by: Clarissa at Fri June 4, 2004 19:43

Hmmm well then I dunno. Was just a thought.

Posted by: The BML at Fri June 4, 2004 19:59

Yes it is you that has to want to make a change. What do you want to change?
Do you know what you want?

I believe that you can do a lot more than you think you can. It's shifting your brain from the negative thoughts you are thinking about yourself and focusing on the positive. You've accomplished many things in your life. You have a good education, you know multiple languages, you're very intelligent and capable.

So I guess my advice would be to figure out what exactly it is that you want and then concentrate and focus your energies to make that happen. You don't go back, you figure out the things you need to do and then go for it. Eventhough it might be hard sometimes.

I haven't gotten everything in life that I want either. Some things I've been doing very well and other things not so well. But I guess you just try to do the best you can and learn as you go along or something.

You can change if that's what you want. If you are happy then there is nothing to change.

Welcome home.

Posted by: jimmy at Sat June 5, 2004 3:43