Friday April 30, 2004

Up and down and torn apart

Category: Me about me | 2 Comments | Posted 23:26

It's strange how quickly I can change from hyper and happy and excited to down and depressed and self-doubting and back to excited and confident and positive. All within less than an hour. I don't know if it's normal. I'm not sure if it's good.

It's triggered by such trivial events, always outside events, always other people, always irrelevant details. I can spend five hours or ten hours or a whole day lying in bed reading a book or two books and feeling ok. Twelve hours reading, feeling safe and feeling fine. Not this stupid up and down.

So maybe I should try to get away from the up and down. Why do I seek it out, why do I keep coming back to it, coming back for more when I know it doesn't do me any good? When I could just lie in bed reading books, feeling safe?

I could say it's animal instinct, the old inherited drives. That I'm obeying the most primitive urges, going back to DNA and genetic programs. That I'm trying to find others who are like me, trying to bond, and that the extreme feelings are just a by-product.

Or I could say it's a self-destructive urge. Consuming and being consumed. And that maybe I need the up and down and the extremes and the emotions that I have so long tried to suppress. Maybe it is normal and hiding away won't work in the long run because humans are meant to have emotions.

But I don't know. I don't know why I am like this, and I don't know if it's normal or not or if I should worry about it or not. There are so many things going through my head, so many questions and thoughts, and I never get to think any of them all the way to the end. I never get to a solution, or at least to a theory. There are only ever questions and more questions, fleeting thoughts, incomplete ideas and possible interpretations.

And I wonder if it would help me if I had the time and the patience to write them down, one after the other, all the fleeting thoughts, and to think about them and follow them through till the end. If it would give me a solution or if not a solution, if it would give me some rest. Or if I'd find that I need help sorting them out and following them through. Which would be fine too, at least it would be some sort of realisation, and somewhere to start from. Right now there's only a dead end.


hey - ur other entries are way better. I like the ups & downs of ur life. it's... interesting, to say the least, but i like it all the same. bring back clarissa!!!!!

Posted by: the other clarissa at Tue May 4, 2004 0:46

other entries? As opposed to which ones?

Posted by: Clarissa at Tue May 4, 2004 12:10