Tuesday March 23, 2004

All Apologies

Category: Life & Me | 12 Comments | Posted 17:39

Well my choices are really quite simple.

  1. I can admit that I've made a huge mistake and that I should never have chosen Ally over Monica, that he's not worth hurting her this much and that she's the one who deserves my loyalty and my friendship. Then I'll hope that they'll forgive me and that we can be friends again. I lose my PetŪ but I get my wonderful friends back and above all, I do the right thing by not rewarding Ally for what he did. Everyone's happy... well except Ally maybe, but as we all know he doesn't deserve happiness anyway. And me, but according to the law of 'time heals all' I will get over him eventually and all will be cool.
  2. I can decide that even though I know I've made a huge mistake, I still cannot live without Ally at this point in my life and therefore I betray my friends' loyalty and accept that they're very hurt and stop talking to me. In all probability Ally will have another fit in a few weeks or months, leaving me crushed again and I will have no Mon this time to share the pain with. (Alternatively if Ally and I can make it work, he will kill himself in a few years' time and if I'm still not "over him" by then I will be crushed too.) This I knowingly accept too. Evil Ally gets what he wants, learns that he can be a complete tosser and stupid Clarissa lets him get away with it, and he's even surpassed his great hero.
You're wondering how I can even hesitate for one second over this decision right? Well I have no idea. Some say I'm crazy - I probably am. Some suggest I need counselling - quite possibly I do. I obviously don't know what I'm doing, I am irrational and have no willpower, I am self-destructive or masochistic, whatever the case. And as it seems I am very selfish and disloyal and deceitful too.

To be honest I didn't realise I would have to choose. This may seem very naive now, but I wasn't aware that what I did was so much of a betrayal. I knew Mon wouldn't be happy, I won't deny that, and I knew it would be weird and awkward between us. But from the talks we had I also thought that she would understand - well she says she understands - and that it would be ok. Yes I know I'm abandoning her in a fashion, but after all this is my decision and only directly affects me. It was clear from the start that I was more forgiving towards him, less radically condemning, and when she asked me days ago if I'd go back to him I said yes I probably would. This wasn't a concrete issue as we didn't really think the opportunity would ever arise.

If it was the other way round... yes I would be upset, and yes I would probably be jealous too. But would it change my feelings towards Mon? I don't think so. I've given this much thought since Mon asked me yesterday and have come to the conclusion that no, I would not stop talking to her. I would understand her decision (obviously since I would have made the same one, as I've just proven), and I would accept the situation too - after all Mon and him were very close friends, have known each other for years, and there is much worth saving. I would definitely accept that, and I would also try to accept my position of being the one who's left behind (tho I may not be happy about it). OK as it is, it's this way round, and it may seem that there is less worth saving. I have never claimed to miss or love him more than Mon - all I can say is that based on how much I love & miss him and my personality/weakness I could not help but want him back despite what he had done to all of us.

As I've said before I don't expect people to condone or understand what I have done. That would be foolish. But I did think they would believe me that I am very sorry about it, and that I do not feel happy or great about my decision or the current situation. Things aren't always black or white, as it is this is a no-win situation for pretty much everyone involved. But you must believe me that I am not proud of myself for this, and that I know it's oh so wrong, but that I simply cannot help it - pathetic as it sounds.

I have tried to stay away, I honestly have. The fool entry originally read "I've been a fool" and I wrote it because I'd just decided to do the right thing and stop talking to him again. The e-mail to let him know was all written and ready to be sent - and when he came online I never managed but started talking to him instead. Similarly, this entry started out as "Weighing my Options" and was meant to tell people that I would take a few days off to think it all through on my own... well you can see where it went pretty much from the beginning.

So yeah. I don't know what else to say except - again - that I am sorry. Obviously if people don't believe that there is nothing I can do. I do love Mon tremendously, I really do. But looks like the one I'm addicted to is Ally. I did not choose this. God I sound so dreadfully melodramatic. Sorry about that too.


you're right. it is up to you. good luck.

Posted by: miriam at Tue March 23, 2004 18:46


Posted by: Clarissa at Tue March 23, 2004 19:10

I can understand your decision. I hope he appreciates it.

Posted by: Mel at Tue March 23, 2004 19:13

LOL me too

Posted by: Clarissa at Tue March 23, 2004 20:53


Posted by: tris at Tue March 23, 2004 21:31

how can you have absofuckingloutly no reaction to the picture i posted in your other entery?

oh wiat, i guess the same way i have no reation to the longest entery youve written in ages!

Posted by: Kal at Tue March 23, 2004 23:29


Posted by: Kal at Wed March 24, 2004 6:48

i think mon has a point. but at the end of the day its your decision. your life, your freind.

Posted by: Kal at Wed March 24, 2004 7:02

Kal your pic isn't showing therefore I cannot react. *lol* Bandwidth limit exceeded or sth.

And yes they all have a point of course. *g*

Posted by: Clarissa at Wed March 24, 2004 8:33

I know this is none of my business and stuff and I do not know everything that has happened but I just wanted to say that...

I have a friend who kept coming to me complaining about her husband, crying down the phone, wanting to leave him, wanted to come stay with me..this went on for a while and she even told him she didnt want to be with him...in the end she decided to keep on with him and they talked about their problems and all..

I really got to a point where I thought "ok, Im not gonna bother talking to her about this ever again, and she cant come to me for support ever again"....but I also sorta felt that that was putting limits on what we could talk about which didnt feel so nice..I mean, she COULD need to talk about it at some point..

Later on I realised that I had been a bit hard on her, afterall it's her life, her choice and I love her and just want her to be happy. And if staying with him is what makes her happy, then I am happy for her. Honestly. (they are okay now btw) Of course you do not want to see your best friend get hurt over and over, but there isn't so much you can do about it and nobody is perfect, we all do things that don't really make sense..
I know this story it different to yours but erm..yeah.

Ok, my point is just that...I (dammit, phone rang and now I forgot point ) ... I do believe that Citz is sorry and did not mean to hurt anyone. Again, I'm not involved in this and don't know that much about it but..I hope you all work it out cause you seem such close friends. I am not saying it's great what happened, just that I know the feeling Citz is going through and have done the same-ish in the past. (not with others involved tho, but sth that I knew maybe wasn't the smartest thing to do (no offence Squizz, I dont know you )

(sorry for long comment there )

Posted by: Dee at Wed March 24, 2004 17:26


Posted by: Clarissa at Wed March 24, 2004 17:31

I didn't really know who Mon was until it dawned on me that I have probably met her before and even talked to her at great length. Must have been around 1998. Oops, we're all getting old, but not really wiser. hehe

Posted by: Anne at Wed March 24, 2004 18:17