Monday March 22, 2004

I have my Pet® back

Category: Life & Me | 12 Comments | Posted 23:12

Lo: (9:03:54 PM): tell squiZZ and Citz to update :|

Yeah so squiZZ has done, so I thought I'd write my, um, counterpart to his entry. The title is a variant of "I want my Pet® back", a one-sentence-entry which I'd kept as a draft for days but never did publish, and which I finally deleted yesterday for obvious reasons.

Hm so yeah. After, hm *counts* roughly three weeks squiZZ and I are talking again. I know I know. After all the drama and the crying, the hating and cursing and telling myself and getting others to tell me that I needed to, absolutely imperatively had to get away from him, for my own good as well as his, for everyone's sanity and so on, well after all that I've gone and given in as soon as as he came running back on some drunk impulse, gladly forgetting any pride or common sense or indeed brain I may have. How very unlike me. (Or maybe not and I just sternly refuse to admit it.)

But anyway. I know what he did to us was awful, I know he doesn't deserve my friendship, I know he's messed up, I know I'm (potentially or even probably) setting myself up for more shit and abuse and heartbreak; I am also aware that what I'm doing is not quite fair towards other people, those who've patiently listened to my whingeing and offered comfort and advice, and especially those who've also been hurt and who may now have the impression that I'm running off to the enemy camp.

I do not expect people to understand my choice, and I will not be surprised if they're going to shake their heads and roll their eyes in anticipation of going "I told you so" the next time it blows up in my face. Believe me that I don't expect you all to be there for me next time I come crying cuz evil squiZZ was mean to me again. But fact is, and most people have seen it coming anyway, I love him so much, and miss him so much when I don't have him around that I'm willing to accept the risks it entails. It may be very short-sighted (and this is why I was a fool), but well, I have an addictive personality, therefore cannot stay away from what I know is bad for me and I'm unable to think of long term consequences. (and then there's also the theory that I'm perpetuating my mum's behavioural patterns, but let's not go into that *lol*)

To those more directly involved... I'm genuinely sorry, believe me when I say I didn't intend to hurt anyone. :-( I know it wasn't very well thought through, and it may seem selfish too I suppose. But honest, I really really wish it hadn't come to this. :(( Still I can't keep away. :-s
(this entry wasn't originally meant to sound this negative... ahem.)


Im not so involved as most of you people know...

Posted by: tris at Tue March 23, 2004 0:47

I believe you didn't intend to hurt anyone, but I don't believe you're genuinely sorry. Just like I don't believe squiZZ is honestly sorry. Not that you have anything to be sorry about. I know you didn't do anything wrong.

Posted by: Jar Jar at Tue March 23, 2004 1:34

honey, i understand. the gay boiz and their mamas are inseperable! god knows i had my runs with Tina and Stephanie. was rood, unacceptable, selfish and they always took me back! we love you as much as you love us

Posted by: Kal at Tue March 23, 2004 7:22

Übrigens, Easyjet fliegt ab London Stansted direkt nach Basel!! :)

Posted by: Suha at Tue March 23, 2004 7:38

Mon, but I am, in the sense that I feel very bad about the way things are, and that I know you're hurting and it makes me hurt too. And that I'd like to apologize for the hurt I've caused you. In that sense I'm sorry.

LOL @ Kal. Gay bois uh?

Posted by: Clarissa at Tue March 23, 2004 8:47

Posted by: Kal at Tue March 23, 2004 12:17


Posted by: Kal at Tue March 23, 2004 13:26

I have not read this entry or ally's entry - only the titles of both... WTF happened?!?!!?!

Not that I'm really surprised tho.

Posted by: miriam at Tue March 23, 2004 13:51

have read now, and I do not believe you're genuinely sorry. I will never ever understand you... How can you do this? Cry on monica's shoulder, make her believe you're "together on this", thinking she has your support and all...

I'll just stop there.

Posted by: miriam at Tue March 23, 2004 13:59

This doesn't directly relate to your topic Clarissa.

I think you should go talk to someone. A counselor. I have this same thing going that you do. Being overwhelmed by feelings. So maybe we need to learn how to deal with this. I have an appointment next week. I really don't want to mess up my friendships.

And my doggie is sick and might have cancer

Even with all this shit I think that all of this will get a lot better. Okay Clarissa? bye bye.

Posted by: j at Tue March 23, 2004 14:47

I wasn't involved in the whole mess but I wish all of you good luck and while it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation or so it seems I think it's best that everyone gave into their heart. We have only one life... one more thing, I was right about the fool thing. I don't even know you that well but it was obvious.


Posted by: Anne at Tue March 23, 2004 17:26

Maybe you're right Jimmy.
Sorry about your dog

And LOL @ Anne. I am so predictable.

Posted by: Clarissa at Tue March 23, 2004 19:41