Monday March 8, 2004

This time last week we had a squiZZ

Category: Randomness | 9 Comments | Posted 22:58

I'll try to make this my last entry about this whole shit, I promise. I wrote it during my stay in Lux when I wasn't feeling too well, to use a slight euphemism. I'm feeling better now. I've not cried all day. It may not last, but maybe things will slowly improve. That would be nice. Time heals apparently. So, the entry.

I was telling someone the other day how it was weird that depression had once dominated my life for months on end and I had next to no recollection of what it felt like. Well, I remember now.

Why did I let him into my life, only to be kicked & insulted & pushed away? Now he's everywhere, he's permeated every single bit of my existence. Luxembourg, Brighton, London, everything down to the fucking tuna sandwich I eat reminds me of him and makes me feel awful. I just can't get away from it, and I cry and cry.

You don't have to hold on to the pain to hold on to the memories - my arse! Maybe one day, in a little while, I'll be able to say "it was all worth it". Maybe then I'll fondly remember the good times, but right now the pain is too vivid and the good times do nothing but make me cry. Yes I wish now I'd never met him.

Why did it have to end like this? Brighton was so perfect. I would have gone to the end of the world with him. Then crash bang - and all that's left is darkness and confusion.

My thoughts are a big jumble - I can't make sense of it all, I don't know what I'm feeling or what I should be feeling. I don't understand what brought all of this on. I hate not being in control of myself. I'm doing everything I know I shouldn't. Everyone tells me I should stay the hell away, how could I even consider fighting for someone who's treated us like this. My mum says she doesn't get how I let people kick me and walk all over me, then I go back for more. And she's right. I've done it in the past, I've sworn never to do it again, and here I am at it again.

My head tells me this is all wrong, and that I have to move on, but my heart says "missing, missing so damn much every fucking minute of my life." But I'm the one who always listens to her head right?

Luckily he's made the decision for me hasn't he. He's cut us off, so it's out of my hands. Neato. I should be grateful. If only I wasn't crying all the time.

So what have I learnt? Nothing that I didn't know already: be very very careful who you let into your life and into your heart. In fact, best not let anyone in at all. Why does it work so much better in theory than in practice? Why do I keep falling head over heels for people - depending on them wholly, making myself so damn vulnerable? Feelings suck. Everything always ends in tears. Best to keep away. How can people tell me cynicism is wrong when I'm feeling this way?


Hm I've nothing else to say than ja I feel exactly same way.

and @ WAM

Posted by: Jar at Mon March 8, 2004 23:44

Posted by: Clarissa at Mon March 8, 2004 23:52

I'm super duper sorry Clarissa.

I still say that if he is going to treat you like that, out of the blue just cutting you off from his friendship, and the way he did it, forget about him. If he gets help and learns how to treat people, and like begs for forgiveness or something, then you can be friends with him. But as it stands right now, he should be history with you. He's making you feel like total shit and doesn't seem to even be bothered about it. Do you want to be friends with someone like that? I"m so pissed off at him.

Don't let him be all merry and happy and you all miserable. He's missing out on your friendship and I think he's going to regret it.

Yes. Be very careful who you let in your life. But don't give up. You might have to look hard and stuff, but there are cool and interesting people who would never do something like that. If you refuse to let anyone in then you're never going to have the chance to meet wonderful people who can make your life nicer.

See you soon!

Posted by: jimmy at Tue March 9, 2004 5:11

I know at a time like this, when you lose someone of whom meant so much, you want to ask why the hell you bother with everyone else. It hurts and I know that you feel like shutting every single other person out and not bothering again - but not every single person is like him.

I had the similar experience with one or two people last year that really left me quite heartbroken for some time, and slowly I've felt strong enough to embrace the people that really have spent a lot of time by my side, supporting me and even though sometimes it's still hard to trust, it's nice to know that not everyone is as inconsiderate and as fucked up as those particular people mentioned.

You still have so many people who love you, and I'm sure of whom you feel the same way about, so don't give up on them altogether. I know you won't.

You once said to me that sometimes friendships probably aren't supposed to last. Some friendships last for years and years and some people just come in to your life briefly and share an intense relationship - maybe this is one of them. And within time, the pain will wear off - it always does.

Until then, feel as commited as you want to hating his childish fucking arse. And you know we'll hate along with you even if we have no reason to

Take care

Love your other Mummy!

Posted by: Jess at Tue March 9, 2004 7:45

you took a chance on having a friendship with a person, and what Jess and Jimmy said; if the friendship ends, move on. They were probably not worth it anyways.
Don't waste your life on someone that doesn't care, focus on the people that loves you instead. Fuck the rest, they only give you a bad headache

Posted by: tris at Tue March 9, 2004 10:53

Thanks, you're very sweet Jimmy.
>> Don't let him be all merry and happy and you all miserable.
I don't think he's all merry and happy. I know some people believe he's getting a kick out of this and finding it funny, but I don't think he is - and I hope he's not, it's my last remaining bit of belief in him.
And I know what you're saying about meeting cool people. With him, I should have known. Maybe I have to stop going for the fucked up ones. I'm sure I'll meet new people, and I still love my other friends. It's just... human emotions are so unpredictable and uncontrollable and that scares me.

God yeah @ Jess, I forgot I'd said that. How ironic. Well it was true I suppose, and applies here too, but of course it hurts anyway. And no of course I'm not giving up on my friends - I'm probably clinging to them harder than ever now. But don't hate his arse if you have no reason to - there is no point and it doesn't make me feel better. Ok it did on Thursday when I hated him too, but not anymore

@ Tris. I'm glad I got to know you better in Bton, you're definitely worth it. And yes, I will now stop loving. *switches off love feeling* There. Hooray. *lol*

Posted by: Clarissa at Tue March 9, 2004 11:43

You were doing so well, then this. And yeah - Brighton was so good. You looked soooooo happy in those photos! And I think so did he although he nearly didn't attend it.
Well I'm sorry to hear about this. It must be awful to deal with this confusion - not just with your head and heart, but suddenly remembering what it feels like after being away from it for so long.
I'm glad you know that it will pass anyway. And yeah, don't (try not to) blame yourself? *hugs*

Posted by: Woods at Tue March 9, 2004 13:01

I'm not blaming myself.

Posted by: Clarissa at Tue March 9, 2004 13:34

Ah, ok - good.

Posted by: Woods at Tue March 9, 2004 14:27