Self Hate

Sooo just had time to think. Because... well because. Been to friend's & is a while to drive, and am usually a bit drunk when driving home, so doing all that deep thinking shit.

Anyway. This is nothing new and nothing exceptionally surprising. I'm kinda messed up. I'm unable to deal with stuff at the moment - I say at the moment because I have no idea what things will be like in 6 months or 6yrs, but I may well be unable to deal with things then too. I hate myself for living life the way I do now - don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love getting up around noon and spending all day online. But I hate myself for loving it. And I know it will be hell once I have to get back to what society expects of me.

And I figured (this too is nothing new) that I will never really get out of this the way things are now. Because what I have, what makes up my life now are people who are like me. I'm not sure if I seek them out for being fucked up, or if they just happen to be fucked up anyway and I come across them by mistake, but they're there. They're around me, and they're not good for me.

Maybe if I was someone else it wouldn't matter. I used to think I attracted freaks because I was so stable, rational, interested and sympathetic. That they sought me out because I was so understanding. Which is partly the truth - but there's a bit missing there. I suck, and I dislike myself, and maybe - quite probably in fact - I spend my time analysing other people who dislike themselves (or are fucked up some other way) because it's so much less effort than analysing myself. Well, I do a lot of analysing. But I don't draw the necessary conclusion which is "pull yourself the fuck together, this is something you have to fight against yourself, it's gonna be hell but it's the only way".

I just can't. Instead I surround myself with people just like me, because they legitimate what I do. We're all like that aren't we. That's the way it is these days, all messed up, we can psycho-analyse each other without ever getting any further, but at least we're not alone. And we drag each other down even further.

So the useful thing to do would be to run off and try & find "normal" friends. Ones that can inspire me by the way they deal with life, cuz hey, THEY are cool, they have a job and a family and they love what life shoves their way! I should leave all them freaks behind and mingle with 'respectable society' and become just like them, right?

I should. Who cares about my friends. Must... become... successful. Must have a life. Cannot fail. I wanna be cool too!! So sod you all! If you are reading this, you're probably bad for me! What do you even want from me? Go away!

PS and listening to Placebo doesn't help either! Anyway, I will now go back to talking to my messed up friends.