Thursday September 25, 2003

Feeling like shit

Category: Self-analysis | 15 Comments | Posted 0:26

First I was gonna write an entry about how crap I felt and how scared I was of trying to find (or even looking for) a job here, because compared to what temping agencies are expecting I have nothing to offer, and I might as well hide under my duvet for the rest of the year.... then luckily Kate rang and said lots of wonderful and encouraging things, so I started feeling a little better and ended up registering at Manpower.

But doing so I went back to feeling totally inadequate again. I mean they have those dropdown menus full of qualifications, and they're all so fucking specialised, stuff like Welder: TIG steel welder (wtf?!) or printer: offset conductor or human ressources: consultant. What about "done this and that!?" :((

Then 2hrs later, after talking to & being reassured by Martine I was feeling a little better again. For a short while. Soon enough my doubts returned. Along with their evil brothers and sisters.

I hate being me. I'm fucked up in all these different ways. Haha, I wish there was a button I could push that would make it all easier. Configuring the Clarissa program to make it more compatible with the life I have planned for her. You know, like changing the settings on a computer game: CPU difficulty: v. easy.

The way things are now, it's going to be "v. hard". Or more like, "impossible". These days I even find myself incapable of seeing a doctor for a cough. Or ringing an old time friend for a chat. Or making an appointment with a blacksmith. Let alone moving my fat arse and finding a job. Getting up in the morning is hard enough.

And no, in case you're wondering, I'm not depressive. I'm a failure, that's all. I'm lazy, I'm weak and I have absolutely no willpower. Getting out of this fucked up situation would involve struggling against myself. I can be self-critical all I want, I don't have the energy to change, and I don't know where I should get it.

I know that's gonna sound pathetic. I hate what I have become (or what I've been all along). I wish I was someone else. I know if I really fought I could become a better person, but I find myself unable to do just that. The effort is just too much. So until someone beats me up and makes me change, I'll be stuck here.


Come on, you're not a failure! And I don't want you to change, either, cause I love you the way you are!! :)

Posted by: Suha at September 25, 2003 03:37 AM

Well, you may not [want to] think that you are depressed, but it sounds like a depression after all, no matter whether that's frustrating to you. And you are not a failure, true.

Maybe you should reconsider some of your upcoming plans, or think about what the goals of your upcoming plans really are. I think in there lies one reason why you currently feel that way. Though I can't tell really, it's just an assumption.

Posted by: Michelle at September 25, 2003 04:17 AM

Feel like that quite often too but it's not deadly and not forever.

>>struggling against myself
You better be in one team wih


Posted by: Lo at September 25, 2003 07:08 AM

>>I'm a failure, that's all.

No you're not. When I think of you, I couldn't think of someone who is further than a failure.

You don't have a job at the moment, and that makes you feel like you have nothing going for you. That is completely and totally untrue. The future is ALL ahead of you, you only need something for the next few months. That can be anything. And if you can't find one, it's not that big a deal, because it's only the next 3 months you have to get through. I know you need money and everything, of course, but don't take it so to heart - websites like that scare the shit out of me too, and you've achieved a hell of a lot more than me. In London, it will be SO much easier. Seriously, down there it's SO straightforward to get a job, you don't have to go through any of this crap. If you can just get through the next few months, because next year is going to be a blast.

I look around where I work now, and it is FULL of people with "things going for them". This basically means they've taken a bunch of courses and kissed a bunch of asses and got to be pretty high up. Something that bores me to tears. I wouldn't want you to be that sort of person, and I know you never will be. And believe me, that is a GOOD thing. So you might not find something straight away (or you might, who knows?) but that doesn't mean you should feel so low about yourself. You're an amazing person, and a big inspiration to me. I admire SO much about you that if I were to sit and list it all now, I'd be here all day.

>>I wish I was someone else.

Well I don't. I need you to be exactly who you are.

>>So until someone beats me up and makes me change


>>I'm lazy

You're uninspired. You may have occasional bouts of apathy... but we all do. You're not the only one, and you only have it about stuff that doesn't REALLY matter anyway. If you had a job you actually liked, you wouldn't feel that way. You're just in a rut. And I don't mean that in a patronising way at all - being in a rut can be soul-destroying. I don't mean it like "ah it's just a phase, you'll get over it" - far from it, because I know how it feels. And maybe you WILL get over it, but it'll take time and work. I know you have these fears that you'll never be able to change this 'laziness' of yours and that it's inherited and you're going to be stuck with it, but I don't actually believe that. You have more courage than you give yourself credit for, and a hell of a lot of willpower and determination. I believe in you 1000%, and I KNOW you will get to where you want to be. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but apparently nothing worth it ever is.

>>Getting out of this fucked up situation would involve struggling against myself.

I would, yeah. And NOTHING is harder than that. You try and try and tell yourself "right, starting from now..." and then when you don't manage it you get depressed and give up. But in the New Year you're going to have this complete lifestyle change, and you have no idea how you'll react to that. You're making this happen because you want it so much. Just remember how that felt, and try and apply it to whatever you feel you need. It won't happen right away, but don't get disheartened if it doesn't work at first. At the end of the day, you're right, it IS down to you, and no one can make it happen for you. We can advise you and support you and be there for you... but you do need to try.

And you know what? You can sit there and lose all faith in yourself and think you'll never amount to anything etc etc all you want... but you will never be a failure. A failure is when all hope is lost for you. And that will NEVER happen - because I'll always be here. Cheering you on.

And occasionally using your pig to clean out the toilet.

Love you.

Posted by: The BML at September 25, 2003 01:18 PM

"IT would". Not "I would".

Posted by: The BML at September 25, 2003 01:53 PM

Aawww thanks everyone, you're sweet-hearts.
I know I probably sound extreme with my fixation on my laziness, but to me it's quite real. I don't have willpower, at all, I give up SO easily, and that's my main problem. And I am so good at just ignoring the problems as long as I can. Just like my father, and look where he ended.
I've actually gone from "I'll move my arse starting next week" to "oh why do I bother even trying to change, I always fail eventually anyway".

And I know I don't always feel like this; as Lo said, there are phases and a lot of the time I'm fine. And maybe I'm depressive, I dunno. I don't think so tho.

Posted by: Clarissa at September 25, 2003 03:21 PM

*hands citz pile of inspiration*

*sigh* I wish it could be done as easily as that, but unfortunately it can't. All I can do is wish you the best, and hope that you will find inspiration somewhere.

I believe that you have it in you to reach your goals, but I don't know what could inspire you to do what you really want to do, and start believeing in yourself. In the end, I guess that's up to oneself.


Posted by: miriam at September 25, 2003 05:29 PM

and you ate NOT a failure! >:

Posted by: miriam at September 25, 2003 05:29 PM

"Just like my father, and look where he ended."

Clarissa, I think this is just self-fulfilling prophecy what you're doing to yourself. I do not think that you are the person you think you are. When we got to know you were not that person. Remember when you always wanted to kick my butt to get up when I was - ugh, and still am in a way - in about the same situation?

Posted by: Michelle at September 25, 2003 07:25 PM

Cute Mir, thanks
Will try my best. Starting tomorrow

Michelle, I don't know if I am that person. Thing is, I kicked your butt, and I'm kicking mine too, for being that way, but that doesn't mean I manage to get away from it. That's where I'm different from my father: I am unsatisfied with the way I am, while he's quite happy to be a lazy bastard. But I still am tho. I know I'll pick myself up and get a job in London, because I'll HAVE to, but thing is, it's always going to be a struggle. I don't think I'll ever enjoy being active and energetic and so on, so it will always be a drag.

Posted by: Clarissa at September 25, 2003 10:02 PM

Yeah, but I guess many people do not enjoy such situations and many would prefer to just do whatever is fun to them most. And part-time jobs are hardly ever cool.

Posted by: Michelle at September 25, 2003 10:46 PM

No, of course. But with me it's so extreme - like I said, even ringing a doctor for an appointment is this huge deal for me, or paying a bill, or emailing people, or stuff like that. I just put it off until eternity. I can't live my life like that!?

Posted by: Clarissa at September 25, 2003 11:13 PM

Yeah, but this exactly does sound like a depression and not pure laziness. I know that kind of shit too well, feeling unable to do the most normal stuff like opening my mailbox, making a simple phone call and such. Don't just drag yourself down by saying you're a lazy ass; maybe you just need to do something good for you to get back up. Look what you've achieved already - you've finished your studies and all. And you're by far not so stupid to not be able to just do one of these silly part-time jobs. I'm sure you could do just anything you want. But somehow something seems to currently drag you down. Don't let it get you down, because I am sure you can do it.

Posted by: Michelle at September 26, 2003 05:06 AM

LOL well fact is I didn't finish my studies. I mean, not my MA. I had an excuse to bail out and I jumped on it!
I do stuff when I'm under pressure, i.e. when someone MAKES me do it. And I've always been like this, no way have I always been depressed!

Doing sth good for me would be doing nothing at all I mean, a world trip would be nice, but I don't have money. *g*

Posted by: Clarissa at September 26, 2003 11:30 AM

BML put it better than I ever could. She has such a way with words, and I'm the opposite

You were just emerging from a dark cloud in your life a few months ago. This is just another temporary one. Maybe it has a lot to do with waiting to move out at the end of the year? You might be worrying about getting the 2 jobs, the one in London, and one to keep you going until then. There's no point thinking about both of them at the same time. You can't do anything about next year until then.

I know unemployment is scary and depressing. (That's why I became obsessed over this permanent contract, cos I didn't want to go back to having no job.) It was traumatising just thinking about it! You just have to remember, it's not reflection on you. Anywhere you go it's hard to get a good job at the moment. Even one of my friends who went over to NY this summer looking for a job - came back with NOTHING. In NEW YORK. (But she was only staying for 6 weeks.) It's not cos you're a failure. Cos you're not.
You go and show 'em! Go out there and sell yourself! GRR! (Sorry, I know it's easier said than done, but it will be ok after a while.)

Posted by: Sinead at September 28, 2003 01:21 PM