About Me
Clarissa 29 Brighton UK. Atheist asexual cynic. Loves green. Hates kids.
Back home
List 2005-06
List all 2004
List all 2003
List earlier
All By Month
By Categories

My Obsessions
My Atheism
The Guestmap
Contact Form
Chaos 2004
The Plop Forum
Dance Punkin
J's Space
Shazia's Site
Soy la chica loca
Wed, Aug 02 2006 @ 01:51   //   Category: Me about me   //   11 comments

So I've exhausted all my friends & family with my constant whingeing. I'm not surprised, I would be annoyed if I wasn't me. Actually I am annoyed being me too.

But of course saying "I am annoyed with myself / I hate myself" will only generate more eye-rolling. After all, all I need to do is to stop complaining and pull myself together. And I need to want to change. Well it appears I don't want to change cuz it ain't fucking working. I guess I don't want it just quite enough.

I suppose the two things (people) that have shaken me up most recently I can't really talk about on here. Tho originally when I considered doing this entry I thought "fuck that, I'm just gonna say it all." But I realize I can't. It would be unfair.

With one of them it's just too fucking scary and I don't even really know what my feelings are / what my problem is. I know nothing except I am so fucking scared and I hate myself (I hate myself because I'm scared, and I'm scared because I hate myself). I have my suspicions/theories about this whole thing, and about my feelings & fears, but they're scary too. And probably pretentious / lame excuses / too much time on my hands. Heh.

With the other one... it's so fucking sad, and I am torn between anger and despair. A lot of the time I think fuck, I really didn't deserve being treated like that, I am far from perfect but I tried my best. And I am through with someone who obviously has such a low opinion of me, or thinks I have such a low opinion of them. And then there are moments where I just cry and cry and cry and miss so much and it hurts so bad.

But of course it is wise to end it and finally move on because considering both of our personalities this was inevitable in the long run. And it hurts like hell now but it was gonna hurt at some point so why not now. And I guess that sort of applies to the other thing/person too. :-s Who the fuck am I kidding after all.

I wish I was a better person, and I wish I found it easier to deal with feelings, and with people, and with myself, and I wish I wasn't so selfish and didn't turn nasty when I am hurt, and I guess I just wish I wasn't myself. I should just fucking work on it eh. Which makes me pathetic yet again.

And now I've managed to talk about both the people I planned not to talk about, and almost everyone is gonna know who they are, but oh well. I'm sorry.

[...3:30 ] And for the 3rd night in a row I've taken a sleeping pill to drown out the crazy thoughts and allow me to get some sleep. This is not good. But it's working. *yawn* Goodnight!

People say...

BTW you've not exhausted me yet.

For the scary part - at the end of the day mostly fears are not really necessary. When you look at the reasons objectively you at least come to the conclusion that even if you're scared it won't change a thing, and you just got to deal with it in the end. So why bother too much? It won't kill you. Live goes on. Unless it's the death penalty.

Posted by: stagiaire on Wed August 2, 2006 at 16:20

You are oh so wise, but the head can't necessarily convince the heart. Or whatever part you wanna situate the feelings in lol.

And GOOD @ not exhausted, wanna get a long whingeing phonecall tonight?

Posted by: Clarissa on Wed August 2, 2006 at 17:53

Yeah, you can call me up tonight. I just got up after a looooong a nap.

Posted by: stagiaire on Wed August 2, 2006 at 20:43

Well, if it makes you feel any better, if I knew who they were I would kill them.

(Or at least my feeble attempt to just might bring joy for a second to someone / something.)

Posted by: Woods on Wed August 2, 2006 at 21:43

Posted by: shaziak on Wed August 2, 2006 at 22:06

@ Sinead, why should I want you to kill them? Esp the "scary" one, they've done nothing wrong, on the contrary, it's just me being... fucked up.
I'm glad you don't know who they are

Thanks Shazia

Posted by: Clarissa on Thu August 3, 2006 at 3:03

Posted by: charlie on Thu August 3, 2006 at 4:34

Posted by: Clarissa on Thu August 3, 2006 at 4:47

Cos they're making you feel like this. Whether on purpose or not. They must go! LOL

Posted by: Woods on Thu August 3, 2006 at 13:20

And btw, I don't think it's you making you feel like this, cos I think you're stronger than that. That's why I'm really surprised that someone can have this effect on you.

... must go....

Posted by: Woods on Thu August 3, 2006 at 13:22

I appreciate your concern, but you don't really know me at all. Don't hate those people, because I don't hate them.
I'm surprised that you're surprised that someone could have this effect on me. Just goes to show (as I said) that you don't really know me at all. *lol*

Posted by: Clarissa on Thu August 3, 2006 at 15:30