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Clarissa 29 Brighton UK. Atheist asexual cynic. Loves green. Hates kids.
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Thu, Jun 15 2006 @ 01:23   //   Category: Life & Me   //   7 comments

So here I am. I think I have progressed a little bit.

I have achieved something today. Not much mind you, but infinitely more than I thought at all possible even a day ago.

Yesterday I finally tore myself away from London and from squiZZ. The inevitable PSD (post squiZZ depression) set in before I'd even reached the tube station, but was drowned out soon enough by the "OMG I have soaked my laptop in Coke" panic which kept me blissfully preoccupied until I got home. *lol* The laptop's ok tho.

Then PSD returned so I went to bed and slept a while. Then I got up again and found I absolutely could not do what Jeff had asked me to do (that book promo you know), no matter how hard I tried and told myself I was being silly. I started an email to him explaining this but saved it in draft and decided to sleep on it.

I didn't sleep very well at all, waking up about once an hour with this whole shit going around in my head ("but I must be able to do it, I could just do this-and-that, aargh must stop thinking about this, let's read a magazine, ah this is interesting, hm but Jeff, maybe I could phrase it like this to explain to him why I can't, aaargh back to the article, but seriously it can't be impossible to do this" and so on and so forth for hours). By the end of the night I'd added "this is keeping me awake at night" to the reasons I could give Jeff for not doing it. *lol*

But then I forced myself to give it another go and actually managed.... somewhat. Which means I can't tell him "I can't do it" any longer, but will have to say "I'm bored of it now" instead. *lol* But at least I did something. I also applied to two companies (them and them in case you cared) and emailed my CV to media agency woman (who says she will call me tomorrow). Applying for jobs was another thing I'd convinced myself I could never do again so yay for benzodiazepines.

Um yeah. While I was still in London I had my hair cut (along with squiZZ who is now very short-haired again), but I can't be bothered to take a pic for you, it's not that interesting anyway. I've replaced the pic of my colourful hangy thing on the right with squi's hamsters tho. Cuz I was bored. I stupidly forgot my mobile charger at squi's, but he will be very lovely ;;) and hopefully post it to me tomorrow. And I'm still obsessed with Pink's Runaway. Night.

People say...

i sense somone growing older.

Posted by: Kal on Thu June 15, 2006 at 5:36

@ Kal

Cute hamsters

Posted by: JarJar on Thu June 15, 2006 at 8:41

I doubt it Kal. It's just a phase.

hehe ja @ hamsters.

Posted by: Clarissa on Thu June 15, 2006 at 10:31

If you just knew how much I can imagine how you feel thinking you can't do this and that. But it's sad to know you feel like that, because I know it feels bad when I feel that way. And it's so not true, that's why you should always tell yourself - fuck myself, I'm wrong, I can do it, no matter how much I believe I can't.

Tomorrow I have an exam, and I'm so scared of it, have kept telling me for two days now that I can't do it, but I will will will do it tomorrow.

Posted by: Michelle on Thu June 15, 2006 at 13:43

BTW I like "I Got Money Now" most. I could listen to it all day long. "Conversations With My 13 Years Old Self" is also gorgeous, I can relate a lot to it.

Posted by: Michelle on Thu June 15, 2006 at 20:15

Hey Yeah I like Conversations... too, it makes me cry a lot.

Oh yeah and thanks for your earlier advice. I guess you're right on a certain level... meh. Have lunch with Jeff tomorrow, I'm sure he'll tell me much more stuff like that.

Posted by: Clarissa on Thu June 15, 2006 at 20:32

PSD sounds very clinical. Like you have received a diagnosis!

I do that too sometimes, think about the stuff I need to do and then wake up a lot thinking about it. It doesn't make for a good nights sleep.

I'm not being overly positive or a second "Can Man" when I tell you that you ARE smart as hell and can do a lot of things. That's just factual .

And thanks for talking to me this week on the phone.

Posted by: jimmyboy on Fri June 16, 2006 at 3:08