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Clarissa 29 Brighton UK. Atheist asexual cynic. Loves green. Hates kids.
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On the road to nowhere...
Sat, Feb 18 2006 @ 15:01   //   Category: Me about me   //   11 comments

... and getting there veeery slowly.

I am in such a weird state at the moment. I take pleasure in absolutely nothing, I'm unmotivated and extremely bored... I seem to go through life like an automaton. I do the stuff I'm meant to do - well, that's mainly college-related - but it makes no difference whatsoever. It doesn't make me feel good. The main reason I do it (at least that's how it seems to me) is because I don't know what else to do. Yet I still waste hours and hours online of course - and to what purpose? I wish I had something to work towards.

And I know this course is something to work towards, but because of the way my mood has shifted it doesn't seem like it anymore. I started studying like mad because I wanted to get a distinction in my exams, because I figured that would look good and make me and my mum proud (and I know I can get one if I really apply myself). Now I revise this stuff and it just refuses to go into my head and it's so fucking boring and pointless that I'm thinking I'll be glad if I get a pass. And I dunno if I see myself doing this stupid revision nearly every weekend until May - but then again why not, since I don't feel like doing anything else anyway.

And the whole motivational stuff we get at college is getting on my tits too. It never really had a huge effect on me because I don't tend to take compliments well, but now it just makes me think "oh get the fuck over it, there is no hope anyway, why are you wasting your time trying to make us believe we're so great and we can get a job?" So PR guy goes "you're the most sophisticated group I've ever had" - yeah right, I bet you tell everyone that. It's nice of you to try but ugh. Careers guy goes "your lack of experience can be an asset - and if you construct your CV like this I guarantee you will get an interview" - oh please! What if I have nothing to put on the CV to sell myself!? (|

And I don't even know if I still want to do this stuff anymore! When I first started the course I was constantly thinking during classes "ooh could I imagine doing this job? or what if I did this?" and had to force it out of my mind as I wanted to defer any decisions until mid-March. And now I never even think about it anymore, cuz it all seems way beyond my abilities and my personality. I'm not assertive enough, I'm not enough of a communicator, I'm not bothered enough and I'm not creative enough.

My "creativity" - whatever little bit I have of it - is tending towards zero. We have two projects we're working on, and in both of them I draw a complete blank. Whatever ideas I implement is what other people come up with - "oh how about you try this" - "oh yeah that could look cool." But I'm supposed to have ideas myself, and there are none there whatsoever. Or if there are there are no ways to put them into practice. Or they are just vague clouds but nothing usable.

My head is a cloud too. My ears feel funny. Under pressure. Not like they need popping but the opposite (but apparently that makes no sense. well, does to me). Actually maybe my head is not a cloud. There is a cloud around me that makes the whole world out there seem remote and... pointless. So apparently I am being mean... but I'm not mean, just indifferent, because it doesn't matter anyway. Whatever way I go, whatever option I choose, it just doesn't matter one bit. Nothing matters.

There you go. A nice whingeing entry. And people trying to force positivity on me when I am feeling crap really annoy me. :|

People say...

Oh well, I fear I have to force positivity on you, too, because I honestly believe you're simply underestimating yourself. But I understand you and your way of thinking. I've been like that for a really long time, but that's just about what I keep telling you - when you catch yourself thinking that sort of ish, push it aside as soon as you notice it, again and again, kick those negative thoughts right out of your mind. It's just in your head, but truth is that you can do it and you're not really as worthless and powerless as you probably think you are. And when you're done getting over those negative thoughts people will notice that and they will give you a job you want, too. I also always thought, oh no, I will never get this or that, but I actually made a few dreams come true last year, because I just tried and put the negativity aside, and it worked out.

Posted by: Michelle on Sat February 18, 2006 at 16:48

But I lack the energy and am way too bla.

Posted by: Clarissa on Sat February 18, 2006 at 22:10

Nooooo, you're not.

Posted by: Michelle on Sat February 18, 2006 at 23:27

Quit? My opinion is that in this particular field unless it's something you really really REALLY want, you're gonna fail or at least not be very good at it. But I think I've said that before.

Posted by: JarJar on Sun February 19, 2006 at 1:20

lol @ quit. No way.

Posted by: Clarissa on Sun February 19, 2006 at 12:35

Hey Clarissa,

I know how dodgey it feels when things feel so stagnant. Everything is mundane and there's no hope of it looking to improve. I really relate to that most of the time. And people telling you, "itll get better, I promise!" usually only comes from people who ... on the exterior (and maybe they do, who knows) have got it together. Those people really bug the crap out of me.

I dont really have any sound advice or any stupid idle promises that things will get better, just letting you know, you're not alone in that feeeling of indifference.


Posted by: Jess on Sun February 19, 2006 at 14:24

"lol @ quit. No way."
*shrugs* You're the one who just wrote a long entry about how pointless it was.

Posted by: JarJar on Sun February 19, 2006 at 15:19

Thanks Jess.

(and just so people don't think I'm rude: I've replied to Mon's comment on Yahoo)

Posted by: Clarissa on Sun February 19, 2006 at 16:51

Posted by: JarJar on Sun February 19, 2006 at 20:12

Sounds like depression to me... :(

Posted by: Anne on Mon February 20, 2006 at 15:02

Never! *lol*

Posted by: Clarissa on Mon February 20, 2006 at 16:33