- February 2003 -

:: 28Feb03 00:30 :: BLURGH :: I've been told I had to update so here goes. Not much to say.. been feeling pretty awful all day, so spent all day in bed (well I had to go into school for one lesson, but then I went home early)... I'm still not feeling too well so I'll be back off to bed now. After all what's nicer than sleeeeeeping :)

     We have Monday off tho - yay! Long week-end! Might be going to Ikea with Martine. Not that I need anything, but is always nice. No more news, so will go now. Sorry. Will write more on the week-end. Some days just aren't update-days I'm afraid. My Revo called Prince is very very very cute tho :)

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:: 25Feb03 1:00 :: THANK YOU FOR THE MUSIC :: Hum yeah, I've been meaning to write this for a while. One of the most wonderful things in this world is music. And there is so much of it, so much of it that I know and love, and so much more that is still awaiting discovery! I mean, considering I love & enjoy music from four different centuries and from many places around the world, imagine how much more bliss lies ahead of me!! And I am so happy that I like such a wide variety of music, cuz it means there is so much more to be enjoyed than if I was exclusively into, say, recent alternative music (like some of the kids in my class, ugh).

     I remember an ex-friend of mine had this game called Therapy, where (among other things) you had to answer personal questions... and one of them was "which of the five senses gives you the most intense experiences" - and that's undoubtedly hearing for me. Music can send shivers down my spine and make me cry - and altho I can certainly be amazed by, say, a beautiful scenery, it will never have that effect on me. So I think I'd rather be blind than deaf.

     My Psion Revo is called Prince btw. Since my PC is Mikey, and the Revo is kind of a small version of him... makes sense right? I thought you'd agree. Ah yes, the eyes.. is cuz was looking for pics of my eyes for this site and Michelle suggested I try sexy eyes... out of my many ridiculous attempts, we've decided that this is the best one :P

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:: 24Feb03 12:00 :: REJOICE! :: I got my Psion Revo today, it's supercool, it's actually smaller & lighter than I'd expected. The keyboard is kinda fiddly to use, but thanks to Douglas Adams I know that it works best if you type with your thumbs (I've tried it and he was right as always). Unfortunately I won't be able to try it this afternoon as there'll only be 8 of us in our class so I can't hide in a back row.

     I've bought myself a classifieds paper this morning too, I'm not quite sure why... maybe because I wanna look at cars, maybe at flats, maybe because I wanna try to sell my external CD writer. Who knows. I'll leaf through it tonight & see what inspires me.

     See... cars. You might know that before I had that moving out thing going on, I was thinking of (possibly) buy a car with my new money... then of course I had row with mum, decided to save for a flat instead, and gave up on the car. I mean I'm happy with my car... it's 9yrs old with 160.000km and grey and ugly and has lots of dents and scratches... but it works fine, it happily carries me around... I am rather fond of it.

     Lately however I have been ogling some flashier specimens... notably my two babies the Mazda MX-5 and the Toyota MR2 (hm, can you tell what type of car I'm into? *lol*). Aren't they luvvly?? But, of course, these cars cost a lot of money, even 2nd hand (I only want 2nd hand cars anyway - can't stand the smell of a new car), and on top of that, they're two-seaters, and tbh I do need a back seat - mainly to store rubbish, but still! There's the Hyundai Coupe... but that's a much bigger car. BTW, as you may have noticed, I'm a big fan of Japanese cars! :)

     Bah, at the end of the day I don't think I'll buy a car at all. I'll get myself a Siemens S55 to fulfil my gadgetting needs (and to compete with Tobias), and a DVD writer so I can keep downloading many GBs of films until my provider cuts me off (I've heard it's happened before - but I don't think I'm that bad).

     OK and now I must go, have lunch, receive friend, pack things and go to work... *g* Oh BTW, Me BML's birthday card be here in case anyone's interested. She liked! :) She cute! :)

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:: 24Feb03 01:30 :: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! :: Celebrate good times come on! Indeed! Today is Me BML's birthday, so I want you all to go & visit her site and say hello to her and give her a big kiss (tho, of course, she's Mine! :evil ©). She didn't want a birthday prezzie from her Citz (CItz!! :P), so she's getting a card instead... an online one but aaaalll hand-made! :D (er, I mean, Paint Shop and Notepad made, hehe). Maybe I'll show it here, but she needs to see it first and agree. It's hers after all :) Not unlike myself!

     That's one birthday. It's also this diary's birthday!! Yes indeed, the first entry was done exactly one year ago, and it went something like this. Rather a lot has happened since, my life has changed radically (hey I went from lazy student to lazy working person!), can't say it's been the easiest year for me, but I've had some really good experiences too, mainly thanks to my wonderful friends (e.g. Me BML, above) and last not least the incomparable Michael Jackson. :) Who'd have thought I'd keep this up for a whole year tho... I certainly didn't! But it does get addictive... *lol*

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:: 23Feb03 18:30 :: MULTITASKING :: I've decided to finally start burning some of the many movies that are taking up 15GB of my hard drive space. Gonna have to split some of the files to make them fit onto one CD. God, I remember back when I used splitter programs to make mp3s fit on floppy disks. *lol* How things change. I think I'mma buy myself a DVD writer. Apparently the compatibility problems are starting to get resolved. 4.7GB would be pretty neat - no more splitters! :)

     Yeah so along with that, I'm reading MJ messageboards, watching How to lose a guy in 10 days and writing this entry. Which is why the entry is called "multitasking". My holidays are pretty much over now & I haven't really achieved anything... tho I must admit that was the plan. I really should organise my school stuff tho, it's such a mess. I'd also decided to start sorting my Queen collection and see if I could make any money by selling it on eBay. It's not really worth that much, but it's no use standing around in our attic either, and a bit too much to just throw away.

     Been for a walk with my mum & my horsey earlier. 'Twas nice, tho she moaned a lot about how tired she was and how her legs were hurting. Good thing about taking her was that she could take piccies of me and my horsey, so here's the nicest one.

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:: 22Feb03 22:30 :: DRIFTING :: I've been trying to work out what's wrong with me. The lethargy I mean. I guess I'm just passive most of the time. I'm like a piece of driftwood in the sea... I follow the current wherever it takes me, I'm willing to accomplish whatever life brings my way, but I simply lack the energy to rise up and do anything else. *sigh*

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:: 21Feb03 19:30 :: WE AIN'T NOTHING BUT MAMMALS :: My "complaint entries" these days seem to be either about MJ or about Iraq. Well this one's gonna be MJ again for a change. Ever since the Living with Michael Jackson special there has been nothing but abuse and negativity towards MJ and his fans - in the press of course as I'm sure you've all read and seen, & in the general public too (e.g. I've been getting a lot more e-mails telling me to "get a life" and that MJ is a disgusting paedophile, and I've had to close my guest book because I was tired of deleting abusive entries).

     I know we as fans should be used to this by now, but to be honest I'm not, and I don't understand and won't accept that it's so socially acceptable and even "normal" to hate on Michael Jackson & call him a freak or worse, a criminal, with NO arguments that will actually stand up against closer scrutiny. And it makes me very angry that we the fans, and generally the minority of people who do stand by him (be it friends or open-minded people, even some media people) have NO chance of educating the general public about the truth - because the truth is not what they're interested in! What they want is gossip, anomaly and something to get outraged about. What motivates them is jealousy, fear and ignorance.

     They don't want to hear that MJ has a well documented skin disease called Vitiligo. What they want is the image of a psycho who's ashamed of his own race and wants to be white. They don't want to see a caring, loving man who's so remote from our own evil, violent and devious world that he can't see why it would be "weird and unacceptable" to spend his time with children. They want - indeed they can only imagine - a deranged man with sexual intentions. They do not WANT to learn the truth & expand their horizon - they deliberately choose to ignore the arguments they would need to move beyond their limited & selective knowledge.

     There is no point in reasoning or arguing, and maybe that's what's most frustrating. Even if you do explain, illustrate, prove, exemplify why their conception of Michael Jackson is wrong, you will not succeed in convincing them because this is not what they want or expect. Such a representation of MJ simply does not function in their world, therefore whatever you say has to be deluded and misguided, however convincing it sounds.

     This is not about Michael Jackson. It's about people, about our society, about the human race, and about what makes us tick. WHY the need to condemn, to crush, to destroy someone like MJ? Why this viciousness, the reckless cruelty with which the media (who only feed the expectations of the masses) tear apart a good person, someone with a big heart, and a vulnerable one at that - and above all, an amazing artist who should be at least recognized as that?!

     Well the reason is in my headline I believe. We're animals. Our instincts tell us: the unknown is always dangerous. Whatever doesn't belong to our own little herd, village, nation, faith and so on, must be destroyed, because it is the enemy. It might come and slaughter my family tomorrow if I don't slaughter it now. Be that Communists, Muslims, homosexuals, Jews, Americans (if you're muslim fundamentalists), or quite simply eccentrics, they're all dangerous because they're different. Culture, civilisation, it's all just a thin layer unable to hide that underneath we're nothing but beasts. See, I find that easier to accept than the idea that people are stupid and vicious. Then again, I believe that too. I'm cynical like that. My cynicism too protects me.

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:: 21Feb03 15:30 :: VIDEO UPDATE :: Click here (143 KB). *ahem*

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:: 20Feb03 14:00 :: RITCH BITCH :: I can't spell, can you tell? I got paid, I got paid! I mean, for real, not the ridiculous amount I got so far. And I got 3 months' worth in one go, so I am now outrageously wealthy and will be off on a trip around the world tomorrow. LOL ok not quite, but it's good to know I have money and don't have to be worried about where to get the money for my car's oil change because I've blown all I have on a Psion Revo. *hehe* I guess that also means I'll have to pay my telephone bills and my horsey and stuff myself now. *eek*

     I finally got myself a new keyboard, it's a US one, not UK (was hard enough to find anyway), and it has all sorts of funky customizable shortcut keys, so I can now launch Eudora, my webcam, Winamp, my messenger, diverse websites and so on at the touch of a button. I'm not really used to it yet tho so I keep doing things the old way, but the buttons look cool anyway. I like the soft feel of the keys too. So people, you won't hear me typing on Yahoo audio chat no more! *g*

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:: 20Feb03 02:00 :: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE... AND WORSE :: Well, I just got back from dinner with two friends, one of which has left her husband after more than 25 years, so it wasn't exactly a fun night out. One of the things we talked about (and one of the reasons she eventually left him) was that he beat her up (she ended up in hospital a few times). Men who hit their wives are pretty much the scum of the earth - such was the general consensus among us - and yet my friend said some of what he'd said about her had been worse than the physical violence. And I guess I agree.

     My dad used to get violent fairly regularly too. Alcohol was always involved, and usually it would all end in a big dramatic scene of apologies (and convenient forgetfulness). He stopped altogether in 1987 after a major row and subsequent (temporary) separation and to this day I don't know what happened back then - what my mum did or said to make him stop (tho I have my guesses).

     My memories of those times (I was 10 when it stopped) are hazy. I used to hate him for what he would do to my mummy, and the feeling of powerlessness would nearly drive me insane. I remember when we moved from the flat to the house I was scared he'd throw her down the stairs and kill her. I know I felt like that, but I can't quite reach back to those feelings. I certainly do remember certain scenes quite clearly... but the feelings they used to conjure up in me (even years afterwards) are gone. I love my dad for what he has given me and done for me. I don't condone the violence, even tho you could find excuses easily enough if you dug up the dark recesses of his childhood and so on. I believe there isn't ever an excuse for violence.

     But there is worse. Words hurt more than blows in the face. Concussions heal. Some of what Me BML's dad has told and tells her is FAAAR worse than what any of my parents have ever done or said (I hope Me BML will forgive me for mentioning her here). And being like that is still a sign of weakness, just as physical violence is. But that doesn't explain or excuse. Ever. It's so despicable.

     I love my dad. I don't feel hatred anymore (I used to, in my teenage years. There was a time when I used his initials to designate him in my diary because I felt so repulsed. That's when I was 14ish. But that wasn't just about the violence. It was about many typically teenage misunderstood thing too). I am ever so thankful for what he has taught me, and given me, and the way he has believed in me (despite us being so very different in many ways) and 'accepted' me as the child 'appended to the woman' and treated me as his own & given me all he had to give. He's been everything my loser of a father has failed to be (and I hate him from the bottom of my heart).

     But I know, I definitely would never ever let any man abuse me. I know it's hard to get out of a relationship like that, I know how those destructive dynamics work, but I would never be trapped. Ah, but I'd never be trapped in any relationship anyway. The conversations we've had tonight have proven me right yet again. LOL it will take a LOT to convince me otherwise. No wait. Nothing will ever convince me otherwise.

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:: 19Feb03 01:00 :: Ooh PUKE!!!! :: So George Bush officially declares he is not fazed by the world-wide protest against the war. OK so this attitude is not exactly surprising, but does he really need to spell out his contempt and disregard for the voting majority of the world QUITE so clearly?!? Democracy is a beautiful thing, and that people are allowed to express their opinion he says. Apart from the usual clumsy syntax and limited vocabulary, he demonstrates an increasingly disturbing (listen up MJ fans!) view of the world. So democracy is about people "expressing their opinion"? (without actually having any influence whatsoever!?!? How generous of him!)

      This is all quite sickening, and decidedly calling for action. I am hopeful that dissatisfaction among the general public will grow strong enough to provoke some sort of reaction. Change is possible. Am I too idealistic here? I mean, that was the idea right!??! Someone somewhere must remember that!?!? Democracy = power to the people! Of course this was abandoned or watered down AGES ago, but (theoretically) there comes a point where citizens are annoyed enough to overthrow the current regime(s) and start anew (tho eventually the result may be disappointing, cf Communism or (fictionalised) Animal Farm, but at least it's a change).

      But today it's being made more & more difficult. Officially, dissent is accepted - that is, they don't lock you up or kill you anymore - but it's being made socially unacceptable. The media dictate the general consensus (esp. in the States!!!!!), and any deviation from that is considered unpatriotic (or subversive), hence "evil". This REALLY scares me tbh. Big Brother is a lot more subtle than you might expect, and that makes him a lot more dangerous (cuz more inconspicuous). The majority don't even notice because they are indeed being brainwashed. This only works because most people are stupid (excuse the expression, but it's true). All of that is quite discouraging.

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:: 18Feb03 14:45 :: ZURICH - THE (SELECTIVE) PHOTO REPORT ::

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:: 16Feb03 16:25 :: DARN HALOSCAN :: Comments not working again - as nearly every week-end! How annoying. Anyway. We had a slight change of plans cuz we stayed up until about 5am last night so we never would've been up on time for the zoo (well Suha was, but I wasn't), plus the weather is kinda crap. So instead we dyed Suha's hair black with a red shimmer (looks cool) and watched Friends... aaah Friends - lots of episodes I hadn't seen yet :P ®

     Suha's sleeping at the moment (catching up on the sleep she didn't get this morning) so I thought I'd come online and appease my addiction. 4 million people world wide were demonstrating apparently. That's pretty cool and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Shame it won't be any use at all.

     Yeah, so... that's all, like, more or less. Indeed. Woopie-doo. I've been writing a handwritten diary entry on the train btw, so I'll probably copy Miriam and some other people and scan & upload it when I'm back home. :P

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:: 15Feb03 18:00 :: ZURICH CALLING :: Look it's me! :) I'm at Suha's (yes yes you ALL know by now)... it's cool here, so far we've watched telly (last night - Pearl Harbor), been around the lake (not the whole way), and chatted of course and done some shopping too, tho mostly food and sweets. Had lunch at McDonald's today :) Suha's cat Josephine is cute - as is her owner of course. The flat is SOO cool btw, I am muchly jealous.

     This is a swiss keyboard btw, which is kinda confusing... but I'll cope. Tomorrow we'll go to the zoo if Suha feels good enough (she's kinda ill), and tonight we'll watch The Others - apparently it's a LITTLE scary. *hm* Aye, that's all for now. Josephine is running around the house miaowing loudly. *ts ts*

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:: 14Feb03 14:25 :: MEEHEEHEE :: Well, in the end I was so frustrated about the laptop (which would've allowed me to listen to music too!) that I went and bought myself an mp3-playing discman. See I've always wanted one anyway and my normal discman is broken and tape players are SO 80es... so there. Got all I need now: 2 books, a notepad for sketching & scribbling, a discman and about 15 audio or mp3 CDs. I should be fine. Am almost off now too, mum will take me to the station in 20 mins :) Weeeee! Haven't been in Switzerland in over a decade btw! *gasp* About time right? :D See y'all (except Suha *hehe*) on Monday :)

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:: 14Feb03 11:45 :: AAAARGH NIGHTMAAARE! :: I've just found out that my laptop's battery is buggered! Means I won't be able to take it on the train... so I'll have to do something else! For FIVE long hours!! EACH way!! TEN hours! *eek* SOMEONE GIVE ME A COMPUUUUTER!!!!!! *sob* Wish I had my Psion Revo already... :( :( :(

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:: 14Feb03 8:20 :: JUST CUZ I CAN :: Iím updating from school. Hehe, thought theyíd probably have an FTP program on this PC. Thereís nothing more satisfying than getting paid for doing useless stuff! (well to me anyway - does that make me weird? Nah, just chronically lazy I guess.)

      As you probably all know Iíll be off to Zurich this afternoon (my train goes at 3pm), so I probably wonít be updating until Monday night... Iím sure youíll manage without me though (please say you wonít! *sob*). But Iíll be taking my laptop for the 5hr train journey so who knows what Iíll come up with on my return...

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:: 13Feb03 0:00 :: UPDATE!!! :: You may notice a new section on the left (yes you'll need to scroll down!) called PLUGGING - this is where I will be linking cool sites I've come across. They might all be from the same area, but they don't have to be. This will be updated irregularly, and don't complain when it isn't. It's really just my way of sharing whatever amazing things I find online :P There's loads out there!

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:: 12Feb03 22:35 :: MEH :: I've just bought a Psion Revo on ebay so I have something to do (writing e-mails and diary entries) in my boring classes. Other than that I've done absolutely nothing today, despite my good intentions - not even made those 2 important phonecalls. Pink has a sexy voice tho so it's ok. Nothing really matters in this world anyway. Don't you agree? Depends on how you look at it of course. Mors ultima linea rerum.

     I've found this site called A Day In The Life. It's a pretty awesome project: A New Photo every day, a new location every week. It's like a trip around the world. They have monthly galleries about a special topic too, and that's even cooler, so if you have some time to spare I suggest you go have a look. The site (along with some others) has made me want to take more pictures again, so I think I'll charge my Yumiko's battery and start carrying her around with me again. Indeed. A reason to live as good as any other. Meh.

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:: 12Feb03 13:35 :: ANTI-WAR - WHY I HATE THE US :: I never did get round to ranting about the imminent war on Iraq did I? There is no point really, there's nothing I could say that hasn't been said, so I'd just like to generally voice my disgust. About this inhuman & unjustified war that no one can really prevent because the US have made up their mind already, about the way everyone still pretends it's really about weapons of mass destruction and not about oil and US influence in the Gulf region and irrational feelings of revenge, about the huge gap between what the population in the US and Europe wants and what their governments do (so what's the difference between a democracy and an autocracy again? And what is it they're accusing Saddam of??), and about the way 8 European countries eagerly rallied behind the US, isolating the only ones that had enough courage to oppose them. Imagine Bush's glee at seeing the EU disintegrate! Yet again they have proven they are no worthy counterpart to the US' hegemonial pretences.

     Aren't you longing for the days when the Communist Block was there to at least sort of oppose the States? I mean, where is this taking us? I have no doubts that eventually the States' imperialism will piss enough people off to convince them to do something about it, but that could be decades! And in the meantime we're supposed to comply with their selfish & reckless rules? See, in light of all this I cannot help but feel some sympathy for those who decide to fight their very own angry war against an insanely arrogant nation that seems to have NO respect or consideration for anyone! And tbh I don't see any other way of getting them to come off their high horse, since most governments wouldn't dare oppose them.

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:: 10Feb03 0:45 :: WORLDLY THINGS :: Wow, well that entry about religion was started two days back... so I thought I'd also do a quick 'what I've been up to' entry... the answer is: not much. Had a pretty bad headache today (yes it started out as a hangover but it should've subsided by 2.00pm at the latest and didn't)... so as a result I spent a lot of time in bed. Any excuse to stay in bed is good enough, besides I really hate being up with headaches. Am not very tired now of course, which is bad cuz I have to get up at 7.00 tomorrow - I'll certainly be tired then.

     Yeah so I went to my friend Gaby for dinner last night, it was pretty cool as always. Nice food & girly gossip in a relaxed atmosphere... do I sound like an ad for a restaurant? Well this one ain't taking any reservations! Today's the last week before our next holidays... on Friday I'll be off to Zurich to visit Suha - there, I've said it - y'all hear me?? (BTW Suha, update your site! No more excuses now that you have DSL again! *g*).

     I've notived that Haloscan seems to delete comments after a certain while... now that's not very nice and also makes me look very unpopular to anyone reading my diary archives. Actually I was wrong... what it does is display the wrong number of comments on old entries - I've just clicked on 5 different ones that all pretended there weren't any comments when there were in fact loads!! That's even more annoying. Pfft.

     Anyway. My Arabian Horse Fanlisting is at 25 members now, pretty cool, right? (shut it squiZZ!) And I still haven't started "moving" my sites to a new host... must do soon. Must do sooo many things!! *sigh* K, off now. Speak soon!

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:: 10Feb03 0:00 :: BELIEF, OR LACK OF... :: I bought Douglas Adams' last book The Salmon of Doubt when I was in Glasgow in December (no, not when I was in Glasgow in February. I bought The Meaning of Liff and The Deeper Meaning of Liff when I was in Glasgow in February), um anyway, so I'm reading The Salmon of Doubt now and among other writings it contains an interview he did with American Atheists in 1998/99. This interview reflects how I feel almost COMPLETELY. Adams was very clever man. Luckily the interview is online, so go & read it here!

     Another very interesting article of his, which was in fact a speech, is his Is there an artificial God? - again these are ideas I can mostly relate to, tho I have a far stronger interest in the evolution of & reason behind religion. I think it's a most fascinating thing - I could actually imagine studying this - there is so much involved in it, psychology, neurology, history, literature too and theology of course. I would have liked to study theology if it didn't for the most part involve belief, that is, the stance it takes is not acceptable for an atheist, and trying to approach it from an atheist point of view is still fairly rare.

     I've found that most atheists I've read/studied tend to be rather bitter "towards God", and also that they have little compassion and much contempt for believers. Most atheists I know were brought up in religious families, with religion in their daily lives, and I suppose the result of that is a certain animosity - which is totally legitimate cuz institutionalised religion generally sucks & unless you comply to it, you tend to start hating it.

     But I have to admit I find the whole thing utterly fascinating... and more and more so. I can understand the need for religion and I can see how it evolved (and tbh I cannot understand how anyone who knows of the (unquestionable) historical development of religion can still BELIEVE in a God, but I'll accept it)... but the human involvement in the creation of religion is so blatantly obvious... and the majority of people will still believe in a deity without any doubt, so there has to be something that determines it - and I seriously wonder, WHAT IS IT?!?!? Some people think it's a part in our brain (cf. earlier diary entry about that), but that doesn't explain why some people don't believe - or why some become atheists or agnostics at some point while others are suddenly converted to religion. Anyhoo, I'd really like to understand, and I am quite certain we'll get much closer to the truth within my lifetime. Tho I'm equally convinced that belief in God will always remain.

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:: 07Feb03 12:00 :: I'M WRITING STH!! :: I miss Me BML!! She's just too adorable! And she actually lives only 4hrs from here - so what's gonna keep me from visiting her once a month?? OK maybe money. *sigh* Anyway. She MINE!!! (:evil ©)

     I sprained my ankle again yesterday... you know, the same one as in December. I really have to go and see a doctor as it never really stopped hurting after last time and I bet it won't get better now... but I'm just sooooo lazy (cf previous entry). I also need to arrange that annoying car stuff... you may remember the accident, well altho I've decided I don't want the car fixed as it's not worth the bother (only has a tiny dent), the insurance insists that there needs to be a valuation (cuz the expert guy wants paid), so I need to take the car to the garage for a day just so he can look at it!! *annoyed* The reason I didn't want it done is cuz I NEED my car! I really don't know how to do this. And I'm too lazy to think about it.

     The MJ hype is still on... the great thing is that the overwhelming majority of the public supports him, like, on this NY Daily News poll 98% have voted that he's innocent! And his sales have rocketed, all his albums are in the Amazon Top100 (with Thriller at 25) - apparently Thriller has seen a 1000% increase in sales in the UK!! How awesome is that!? :) Michelle thinks the whole thing was a PR move (i.e. that Michael knew the final cut of the docu), but then she hasn't seen it yet & she probably underestimates the innuendo & insinuations made by Bashir, and how much this could've harmed Michael!!

     It's funny how the press have reacted tho... at first they all tore him apart the way they've always done, then once they realised that much of the public was with MJ a lot of them changed direction... tho not all... The Sun for instance. It's weird how the press can't ever move beyond that sick MJ-bashing. Sick and sad and ridiculous. Anyway, time for lunch.

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:: 07Feb03 10:45 :: AAARGH :: God I'm so lazy it's not even funny anymore!! Someone HELP!!!!!

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:: 05Feb03 15:45 :: MJ, THE PUBLIC & US :: Yes I let it affect me. For whatever reason, what the general public thinks of Michael Jackson matters to me, and I take it personally when they slag him off. I shouldn't care cuz it's not really any of my business, and it doesn't do anyone any good. But I get upset when I see negative reactions, and it makes me feel better to read positive comments. I guess it's cuz I imagine he'd be upset too. But it's not only that. It's also that being an MJ fan is part of who I am, so if you slag him off, you're attacking me & my beliefs at the same time.

     Aaanyway. Despite the (unsurprisingly) caustic reactions from the usual gutter press, it seems that the majority of people who've seen it (14 million viewers in the UK btw) say that their opinion of him has improved and they're on his side (and find that the media has been unfairly ripping him apart). So that's good. Makes me feel better about the whole thing.

     I guess to a large extent the fans anticipate the media reaction, and that's why they get so worked up about it. Not so much because they're themselves disappointed in what Michael has said, but because they're afraid of the response his comments will provoke. We're like little amateur PR managers of his. *lol* Fact remains tho that his real PR people are shite. He should hire us dammit! *g*

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:: 04Feb03 20:15 :: "THE" DOCUMENTARY :: Right we'll I've spent quite some time discussing this on messageboards and with Me BML and stuff and I thought I'd just try to write a quick summary of my impression and my thoughts, since it's such a big thing.... even tho I feel kinda uncomfortable cuz I'm unsure of how I feel.

     I think anyone who cares about MJ and this interview (i.e. anyone who's interested in this entry) will have heard/read the basics... how the first part of the interview was cute enough, with MJ walking around Neverland and climbing trees... how Bashir's attitude became increasingly negative (in his words: "concerned and worried") and was steering more and more towards the well known "MJ the freak" attitude... I don't really blame Bashir for his take on things, that's his job and you can't expect him to go easy on MJ just because we think he's sweet. Of course he fed the public's expectations, and the public wants scandal.

     But Bashir didn't have to go looking too far to find controversy and contradictions. MJ made it easy enough for him with what he said, and I am confused about his motives for doing the interview, and I wonder what he was trying to achieve and why he went about it the way he did. He obviously lied about quite a few bits, and it makes me wonder what the point is. He has every right to say "I choose not to discuss this" but trying to wriggle his way out of this just makes him look bad. Very bad. And is THAT what he wants?!

     It just doesn't make sense. If he wants to be liked by the general public, he should have sucked up to them, but if he doesn't care, why does he talk to them in the first place? Nothing good came of it (and I doubt anything he could've said would've made them like him), so WHY!? That leaves me baffled. The only explanation I can find is that he THOUGHT this would generate a positive response? And that just shows how, um, remote he is from reality.

     The same thing goes for what he said about boys staying over. You can kinda tell that he wants to justify himself and explain, but he doesn't AT ALL seem to see that what he's doing is only going to make matters worse. I mean, doesn't he realise AT ALL!??!? I suppose not... and I wouldn't blame him, I can understand how living the life he does he'd be out of touch with the real world - and of course he's free to be, do and feel whatever he likes - but he must have an inkling that telling the whole world this will be no good?! Can he be that deluded?

     I suggest you read Robin Meltzer's article about the docu... it's very well written and talks about the gap between MJ's (fantasy) world and our own (largely despicable) society. I agree with most of what he says, but unlike Robin I feel that Michael should at least have some idea of society as it is - he can't just shut out the rest of the world completely - at least not if he wants to contribute to making a change (and that he undoubtedly does). No one will listen to him if he just calls everyone who doesn't understand him ignorant and wacky - that's just gonna alienate people even further... and since he bothered doing an interview that can't be what he wanted!?

     Dunno. Still confused. I'm not really expecting to ever understand. I know I'll love him anyway - after all that IS what it's all about innit - unconditional love. I also know that he's an immensely sweet and lovable person. I'd never stop being there for him, even in moments like this. And altho I know there are hard times lying ahead of us, I know it's worth it and always will be :) The End.

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:: 01Feb03 - 03Feb03 :: GLASGOW II :: Since I can't upload via FTP from Me BML's PC, I'll keep you up to date with the comments thing this time round...


:: 01Feb03 01:15 :: FAUTE DE MIEUX :: I've been trying to write a proper diary entry for a while, I've had quite a few ideas floating around that I wanted to share, including but not restricted to:

  • my secret life (remember?)
  • a rant about the pro-US statement of 8 European countries & the perversion of democracy
  • an emotional ramble on how I feel cared about by my online friends
But, you know how it goes, there's always something else (something better?) to do, like correcting papers for school or sleeping (or posting on messageboards), and usually by the time I get around to writing down my thoughts I'm bored of them.

      Sooo you'll just get a quick good-bye message, as I'll be off to Glasgow at some ungodly hour tomorrow morning... gotta be up in 6 hours. Yeah, so: bye. Winter sucks btw. :|

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