- January 2003 -

:: 31Jan03 01:05 :: WUB ::
Meaningful entry tomorrow (um, I mean, later today). Glasgow the day after. :D

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:: 28Jan03 23:58 :: MY SO-CALLED LIFE :: Having another one of those self-doubt moments... what on earth am I doing!? My whole life is a sham - my real life I mean (that is, my job and everything related to it). I am unhappy doing what I do, I can't identify with it, I can't see why I'm doing it... and the thought of doing this for the rest of my life makes me want to scream & run away.

      It's a sham because whatever I say or write in my teaching courses is a lie. I would never be able to write what I really think (about teaching practices, the kids, my own experiences and convictions) because they'd tell me straight away this job isn't for me, that I don't have the idealism and dedication needed... and see, I am absolutely certain that at least 50% of those taking the course are bullshitting and not being honest (I know enough examples myself), and I know that's the way it goes and that

     1. pretending and playing along is part of the game, that
     2. the vast majority of people won't find their dream job and
     3. I should be weighing the pros and cons and counting myself lucky,

      but I can't help feeling that I don't wanna live the rest of my life doing this. I don't enjoy it, in fact a lot of the time I truly hate it. That was the risk I took when I decided to go for the teaching thing (which was more or less decided from the moment I enrolled in an English course) - I always knew this wasn't my dream job, but it was safe and clearly defined and besides I didn't have any better ideas.

      I did believe I'd feel alright with the idea though, what with the advantages I had (a lot of free time once I'm through this initial bit; a lot of money and a lot of holidays) - that was more or less what I'd gambled for. I knew I'd never find a job I'd love forever, so I chose to go for the option that would give me a lot of time to do anything non-job-like.

      And now the idea makes me sick - spending the rest of my life doing a job I simply dislike, with people I hate or despise, in a system I feel uncomfortable with. I know a lot of people do it, and I know I'd more or less accepted all of that... but now I find it hard to live with. I might get used to it (I doubt the people cleaning the roads or doing boring accounting work are in love with their job) and I'm not intending to drop it all and run off next week, but right now I'm having very serious doubts. Can't come up with a useful alternative though. Can't think of anything I'd rather do (anything that's halfway sensible). I'm doomed.

      But I DO have that whole other part of my life that's pretty cool. Was gonna write about that too but is too late now. May I just say that I love Me BML and that I will be seeing her again in more or less exactly 84 hours? :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D That's three days and a half in case you didn't know! And she said she wouldn't let me leave this time, so I'll be living in Glasgow from this week-end :D :D :D Indeed it is so :D :D :D (BTW BML, still got some M&M's left from last time (purple!!!), shall I bring them? :D :D :D

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:: 28Jan03 2:00 :: GLASGOW HERE I COME!!! :D Yeah cuz long time no see and all that... one month to be precise.... and I wouldn't be Crazy Clarissa if I didn't take mad decisions like that..... SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'll be seeing Me BML in 5 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!

     Ahem. *stops jumping around, untangles hair and straightens clothes* Yes and what have you been up to lately? Any unreasonable decisions? :P (unreasonable because I am meant to be at uni/school on Monday afternoon and at work/school on Tuesday morning, but who cares?!) Rrrrright. Off to bed. After all I'm not in Glasgow yet (but as good as!! Hehehehehehehehehehehe *giggles insanely*)

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:: 28Jan03 0:00 :: SIGHNESS So I've finally decided to fly to Me BML next week-end after all and then she's gone :( I mean not next week-end, but now - you know, can't reach her to ask if will be ok. Aaaaanyway. As you can all see (otherwise you wouldn't be here I guess), my domains are back up - e-mail is working again too. I've removed the large images from the Sex-God site to reduce bandwidth usage (damn immature girls drooling over Michael anyway! *grrr* :P)... er yeah, that's more or less it. Finally I can write short diary entries again ;)

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:: 27Jan03 14:00ish :: F#&@ING HELL!!!!!! LOL I've just been punished for my laziness and laissez-faire - BIG TIME!!!!! *gulp* I have been paying HEAPS of money for server traffic over the past 6 months and I never noticed!! There I was telling Michelle I get quite a lot of bandwidth free with my package... and I was all wrong!!!! I only had 3GB/month! And because I never looked at the (pdf) invoices I got from my provider (because I assumed they were all the same as the first one), I never noticed!!! And no, I didn't notice that the money was taken out of my account either - it's my UK one and I don't check that much.

     It has gone down dramatically since I disabled hotlinking on the SexGod site (God, I had been PAYING for all those stupid people's signatures on messageboards and didn't know!!), but I still paid 13 for December. The most was 55 (!!!) in November!! WAAAAAHH!!! *sob*

     Aaaanyway, all of that means that I will be moving my domains to a new place, probably the same one Suha is using. Damn good deal. Plus I'm tired of pretending to be living in the UK for my provider (which I had to).

     They're still not back online either, my domains I mean, so I am currently on the phone to the UK... in the waiting line... at least they're playing good music (Aerosmith, Moby, Beatles so far), but I've been on for 10mins - at international rates, OBVIOUSLY. *lol*

     Aah, Forever Young :) See, GOOD music! hehe, I love the 80es. Er anyway. I could go on blabbering forever and I don't want to subject you to my idiotic gibberish for much longer... tho I could I suppose... just for the fun of it... did I mention I love Michael Jackson? Like, a LOT?? And that it's raining outside? What a surprise. I also need to call my insurance about the accident, I could call them from the other phoneline, but I bet it would get to be my turn on here while I'm talking to the other guy.

     Aaaah it's ringing... och, it's a billing problem!?


     LMAOOOOOO oooh. LOLOL. OK actually it's not funny :| See I got a new Switch card a while back... in October I think, yeah? And I obviously forgot to give them the new details... and the old one wouldn't work anymore of course... *giggle* So they haven't been able to take money off me since October, and since they had the wrong address (well that was THEIR fault, they just left the house name out), they were unable to contact me so they froze my accounts. The unfunny bit is that they'll be taking 4 months worth of subscription plus extra bandwidth off my NEW card in one go now.. which amounts to 126. *sigh*

     Aah well I guess I had to learn the hard way. Still moving tho... tho I guess I'll wait until the end of the month now. I might just take down the SexGod site, obviously that's the one generating most of the traffic. Oh and btw, my stuff should be up in about 3hrs time. We shall see....

     OK, now I'm off to phone the insurance guy. Byeeee!

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:: 26Jan03 21:00ish :: Is it something I said? Somehow this just wasn't my day... or my week-end in fact. I mean, first my domains are swallowed up by a big black hole, then Diary-X goes down just after I move (you can't tell me that's a coincidence?!)... then my PC decides to crash again, and instead of just eating my browser's history the way it usually does, it decides to devour all the cookies as well this time, meaning I have to log in at every single darn site again (and do you have any idea how hard it is to remember all them passwords?!)...

     Oh yeah if anyone has a helfpul suggestion about that crashing business... it be very weird, Windows just dies, but the PC doesn't really switch itself off cuz the hardware still works - the screen is black - not "no power" black, but "displaying black"... the different drives still open & close, but they don't play CDs or DVDs... it's as if there was no software, or the PC didn't know how to use the software. Only thing to do is hit the reset button. Any ideas, you PC wizwards reading? *hehe*

     Have dyed my hair tho - just the red bits, not the regrown hair. Is nice and bright again now :) Have also cleaned pigs, and finished preparing school about 1/2 hour ago, i.e. 10pmish - that's WAY early! *g* I think I might just head off to bed now. Tomorrow will be a better day (let's hope I can get my domains back up). Byeee...

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:: 26Jan03 15:00ish :: Weeeeeeeeeee!! :: Aaaaah what do you think of my new layout? This will move back to Clarissaweb with us as well.. in fact it was conceived for the domain and adapted for Diary-X (which is actually a pretty cool service *hehe*). Oh, if you wanna see how it will look on the site, look around you ;)

      Yeah so that's what I've been spending most of my day on - new design. Took me ages too cuz I was quite uninspired. Anyway, all that means that there isn't that much left of the day, but LOTS left to do. As usual. Must clean pigs, visit horsey, prepare stuff for tomorrow, and wash hair (originally meant to dye, but ugh).

      Is raining too - you know how I love the rain. *lol* But I guess the fires of hell around me will make the rain evaporate before it reaches me?!

      Anyway, gotta be off, even if this is a short entry by diary-X standards (seeee, that's what I don't like about it.... ). Maybe more later. :)

      Damn and I keep forgetting to add the tag/comments bit too.

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:: 25Jan03 17:50 :: So I'm THIS addicted?! :: My domains are down... blown up, gone, eaten, drowned, whatever, anyway, none of my stuff is there... my primary e-mails aren't working either... who knows how many people have been trying to contact me... HOW frustrating!

      Yeah I thought I could cope with it at first, but I've found I can't... which is why I've temporarily moved to this place... registered this ages ago for some other project and never used... so here goes. *g* I mean I DO have another webspace somewhere, but this is easier and quicker.

      Soooo... what have I been up to, well yesterday was hectic, school in the morning (left early cuz wasn't feeling too well), then boring courses again in the afternoon of course, then off to give private lesson and then straight on to a Brazilian restaurant for a ladies' night out. That was a LOT of fun, nice food, live Samba (and other) dancing... and gorgeous guys (gasp!). I ended up feeling a bit woozy again tho (lots of meat PLUS Caipirinha PLUS wine PLUS cigarette smoke isn't the best combination I guess), I think I'm coming down with some sort of flu too.

      Today was uneventful apart from being involved in an accident - it wasn't my bloody fault tho, despite what the other guy believes (some 70yr old from the North - I bet he's half blind!). We'll see what happens, we ended up officially blaming it on the narrow road (tho it really WAS his fault cuz he appeared to be waiting for me to drive past and then drove straight into me!). Anyway. My car door doesn't really open anymore now. Ooh the annoyance.

      The plan for today was to start working on a new layout (having site down is the ideal opportunity don't you think?), but I'm sorta uninspired now... and tired. ALWAYS tired. So prolly off to bed with a good book... tho I first need to get the word out about this place I guess. *sigh* What a pointless activity.

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:: 23Jan03 00:50 :: SADNESS & ANGER :: I shoulda been off to bed ages ago cuz I have to be up again in less than 7hrs and I'm quite tired... I haven't really been able to check the boards and stuff tonight cuz I had to prepare something for my class tomorrow... these past 2(ish) days have been sorta weird cuz I was literally juggling between my "serious & boring" Lux life and my "cool" MJ & online life... do remind me of this, I'll try to write more about the topic. Anyway...

      yeah so I've just checked Demerol and saw the pic of us two and got all sad cuz we were together only HOURS ago... it was SO cool having Michelle here, I dunno how SHE felt but I felt like she just belonged here. We had all we needed... only her cat was missing :P OK well anyway, me got a pic of us two as well, is cute so I thought I'd post... IT BE HERE!!! Yeah, and now she GONE, so something is missing - even tho she'd only been here for a day. :(

      So that's sadness. Then there's anger. Anger at what's going on re: Iraq. What THE FUCK do the States think they're doing!? And what THE FUCK does the rest of the Western world think it's doing, speak UP for Christ's sake!!! I mean, FINALLY France & Germany have DARED to oppose "everybody's favourite monkey" (as some ppl call Bush) so for CHRIST'S sake, JOIN them, DON'T let the bloody American Government (supported by the plain stupid American general public) isolate them. Just freaking SAY SOMETHING, this is THE opportunity you sad losers - I'm not saying this will prevent the war against Iraq, 'course not, but it could be a signal. I mean... it can't go ON like this!!! AAAAARGH!

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:: 22Jan03 23:50 :: 'ELLO YALL!! :: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! OK OK I know, you've ALL heard that Michelle is here and stuff, but sorry, what else am I supposed to talk about? Is SO cool having her here, tho weird at the same time cuz, like, we're used to being at different ends of the Net... sorta. Aaanyway. Not really much to tell, we've been reclusive and unsocial all day, partly cuz I am officially sick, and partly because, erm, we ARE.

      Switching back and forth between users online is quite funny... I was greeted with a "you are banned from this community" screen earlier when visiting MJNI... I was like "UH?! What have I done wrong NOW??!!" before realising eyerony was logged in instead of COP. *heehee*

      Anyway, me off... tired and stuff. Much to do tomorrow... 3hrs work (leaving Michelle alone *sob*) and then driving her to Frankfurt... and driving back afterwards as well of course. *gasp* So yeah, speak to y'all VERY late tomorrow night or sth like that... :P

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:: 21Jan03 23:40 :: EXCIIITED II :: Michelle is coming tomorrow morning... well I'm picking her up from the train station in Trier :P Me be excited and should be off to bed. Have cleaned my bedroom & bathroom and all of that... she'll probably still find it messy but I AM messy! *g* I am really happy I'll be seeing her again, tho I'm a bit sad I'll have to abandon her twice (sodding work), but it won't be too bad. Anyway. Must go & sleep. :)

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:: 20Jan03 23:40 :: KYOOOOOTE :: For lack of a better update, here's a link: Wishbooktoys Miniatures. Now go there and spend hours marvelling at the tiny rooms, tiny shops, tiny toilets, tiny laptops, tiny plants, tiny toys, tiny everything!!! Love it. :)

      Day was uneventful, course in the afternoon was mildly interesting and school in the morning was blah as always. Do you like my "push in hover effect" on the links? I do. :)

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:: 20Jan03 0:20 :: LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING :: Right, so here's the long anticipated (hum) "serious" diary entry... I got thinking about it the other day and then Dee's latest diary entry brought it back... and added some more notions... funny how people have similar thoughts at similar times...

      Yeah so I was driving home from school the other day and got thinking (as you do when you're in the car and bored). Most of you may know that I don't believe in love (you know, the "true love" love thing) and that I avoid relationships. But I've found that I actually feel quite a lot of love for quite a number of people, and that my, let's call it "love capacity" is quite fulfilled even tho I'm not in a relationship (not saying you only have "so much love to give", but that you NEED a certain amount of affection in your life, no matter where it comes from or who you give it to).

      Michael Jackson is a substantial part of that, deranged as it may sound (and screw you if it does). I love him, in a very "unconditional" sort of way.. you know, I love him despite disagreeing with him on many accounts. That love is still there, still palpable, even if I am at the same time thinking "why the fuck did you do that". Of course I am also sure he will never directly disappoint or betray me, which is the one security I've got (so yes, I love him for a reason). It's an important part of the equation, and I would not deny that, but the feeling is still there and I don't see why I should fight it or question my love (he's much more lovable than many).

      And then there's my friends... some of which really mean an AWFUL lot to me... that's a sort of love too, and it's somehow irrational too. And it's funny because I've found that the ones where I feel that way I tend to have more arguments/misunderstandings with... it's all more irrational (again). I have friends I've known for more than 10 years and our relationships are stable, rational and, I dunno... not really based on emotion. I know why I appreciate those people, and we've known each other for ages. And I LOVE them too... but in a different way.

      And sometimes this "irrational love" makes me suffer, like, I'll feel insecure and hurt because I don't know where I stand... and it's somehow like the relationship stuff I've always wanted to avoid... you know, playing games... letting misunderstandings arise... making things more complicated than they are... than they COULD be if things were different I suppose. I dunno. All I know is I love those people and tho I sometimes feel there is not enough distance for our own good, I couldn't bear losing them either, so we'll just have to find a way to make it work. And it'll be fine

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:: 19Jan03 1:30 :: UPDATING :: *waving at jarjar*

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:: 18Jan03 2:10 :: MUCHO EXCITED :: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH, mah baby Michelle is coming to visit me on Wednesday (4 days and a bit!!!!! :D :D :D ) - I am soooo frigging excited!!! So I'm missing Wednesday's interesting (ha!) courses to spend time with her, but WHO FUCKING CARES?! I don't, and they better not bug me - I was feeling SOOOO sick all of a sudden!! :D And and and and we'll have 24hrs at least and me can show her all of my li'l world and it's been ages since we been together (um, almost 7 months!!), and is always so cool to be all together instead of just talking on messengers, and if you're under the impression that I'm slightly hyper you are quite right, but it's ok, I'll calm down :)

      Oh oh, and me bought the ET storybook too :D Weeeeee! :D Promo Edition :D Weeee! Off Michelle? What makes you think that?? :D :D :D

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:: 18Jan03 00:40 :: BLABLA ETC :: Been trying to work on a serious diary entry, but then ended up getting really emotional all of a sudden so I've decided to turn this into a smiley entry.. my first one in ages tho I might introduce them more often....

  • @ my dad (shit happens I know)
  • & & @ Me BML
  • ... and stuff. I need to sleep ;)

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:: 16Jan03 14:40 :: ARABIAN :: Ah yes, I keep forgetting to tell y'all (not that you care, but I need the link), my Arabian Horse Fanlisting has been approved, so that's done and updated and all (already got 3 new members :), must also include it in my Site stuff. Yeppers.

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:: 16Jan03 01:10 :: AAAH I LOVE THE NET :: Yeah, so I shoulda gone to bed ages ago, but I decided to read my Stephen King (for school) here instead of there (bed). And it's worth it, I love having the Net and all its information at my fingertips (literally) at any time!! I was talking about this with Michelle the other day - the Internet as one big information source, and it's all SOOO easy to find! No digging up heavy books in dusty libraries, no leafing through dictionaries... you type in a keyword and you find what you were looking for (well most of the time anyway - of course sometimes you need to look a little further).

      Like now I'm reading this book, and if there's a word I don't get, I'll have it within 30secs, either on Dictionary.com, or at TU-Chemnitz, or at Peevish's Slang Dictionary... and if there's some obscure reference to something or other (ever heard of the "Birdman of Alcatraz"? Or do you know who wrote Dark Night of the Soul?), I just put some keywords into Google and I'll find what I need. I think it's amazing. The Internet is the single biggest ressource imaginable, I dunno how I could ever live without it.

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:: 15Jan03 23:10 :: MY UNEXCITING LIFE :: Some people have been bullying me into updating, so here's an update on my life: I sleep, I go to work, I go online, I work at home, I sleep. More or less. I have yet to read 20 pages of Stephen King, and wanted to be in bed before midnight... hum. Yeah, so there you go, now be quiet. *g*

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:: 13Jan03 20:40 :: VIDEO ENTRYYYYY :: You can tell when I'm bored right? Ok, so this one's totally pointless but kinda long (1:09) and moderately big (306KB). Click here to view (or right-click to download). *g*

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:: 12Jan03 20:00 :: BEING BOLD... :: Look, that text describes its own state... it says "being bold" while being bold... isn't that marvellous? OK that wasn't actually the point of the heading when I wrote it. I have been toying with the idea of changing all my sites round... getting rid of Clarissaweb.co.uk and move my site to myowndamn.biz (I know it's already there technically, but what I mean is getting rid of the name, the redirect and so on). The idea would be to sorta change the spirit of the site too... Myowndamn.biz is a tad more aggressive than the sweet "Clarissaweb", so I could become, well, bolder. Also, Myowndamn.biz is a helluva lot better as a domain name, I could imagine it would attract more viewers if "marketed" the right way.

      Then again I don't know if I want more readers, I don't think I'll have the time to do all the changes (I really need to get myself a handheld thingy for boring lectures), and I also doubt I could change my style to fit in with the new "image". I find it sorta frightening (well, strange anyway) that I own 5 domain names tho - you know I bought my dad's name after he died right? It was this spontaneous decision, I thought I could sorta appropriate him, make him my own by owning the domain... see, when he died it somehow threw me that we, me and my mum, were "those left behind", that we were the ones mourning him before anyone else, also the ones that inherited everything and the ones people offered their condolences to... how strange it seemed that life had brought us together, this little family that had ended up spending 20 years together. It could've turned out totally differently after all.

     And people wrote to us (well, mainly my mum) about what an amazing person my dad had been, how he had helped them in this or that situation, how he had always been there for them, how clever and idealistic he had been and so on. It was weird to read all these letters from people who had clearly liked, sometimes even needed this man, and still we were the ones that had needed him most, and would miss him most, and those people knew that of course. Their letters made me sad because each one of them painfully reminded me of what a wonderful person we had lost, but they also made me very proud, because all these people had loved and admired him and yet he had lived with us, we had been his little family, not those people.

     In large parts this view is very idealising, as being his family hadn't always been easy, and I remember times when I was angry and jealous because he was such a helpful, clever and lovely person to everyone out there and we also (sometimes mainly) saw the ugly side of him - in fact he was often hard to bear for us because he'd spent all day helping other people carry their burdens. But then of course when someone is gone all you see is what you would've liked to keep. And as we all know, you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

      Well, how was that for going off-topic? I was explaining why I bought my dad's domain name... well yes, and I never really used it, it only has Wyclef's Daddy on it now and that's it. LOL. But it's MINE anyway. Um yes. Must go now.

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:: 12Jan03 00:50 :: BADABOOM!! :: That's a quote from The Fifth Element right? Uh, anyway. As you can see my site has a new look... inspired by squiZZle who said I should use EYES. The silver (grey!) thing is a coincidence tho.

      If you look at the Updates you'll see that I got an Ownage pic from my beloved BML - isn't she cute? Funny? Sweet? And above all - MINE? (:evil ©) Is! :D

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:: 11Jan03 13:20 :: IT'S THE WEEK-END!!! :: Hooray, finally. Not long enough tho now that it only starts on Friday afternoon and not 10.00am Friday morning. Ah well, anyway... sun is shining, tho my cold are feet, I mean feet are cold... bloody winter! Um yeah... my puinea gigs are gnawing at something in the hall... I hope it's something they're supposed to gnaw at.

      Ah yes, I've removed the poll since I got a pretty clear result... most people prefer the current look (tho I do feel like going back to frames)... well at the end of the day I'll do whatever I want. Haven't got time for a redesign anyway. I've submitted my Fanlisting to The Fanlistings tho (they've moved btw!), and, um, that's more or less it. As you can see, I've had a busy day so far. Laziness is a way of life, and I'm darn proud of it... most of the time... I think. Well I'll leave you to ponder that. Must hang around doing nothing some more.

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:: 10Jan03 01:10 :: WELL NOW :: So Tommy is gone... how weird... what a big anticlimax. A few months ago I'd have jumped around the room in satisfaction... LOL. Ain't jumping now, tho I guess I'm still kinda chuckling inside... just for the sake of it. How weird tho. Yeah. Um. Just thought I'd mention it. I mean this doesn't really make MJ the winner as I doubt this is very related... but it makes him the cooler person anyway. Oh wait, he's been the coolest all along hasn't he. Aha. *hehe*

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:: 09Jan03 23:10 :: AAAAAWWWWW :: I'm going "aaawww" at everyone and everything tonight. Well, a lot of things anyway. Had a pretty stressful day with our introductory stuff for our teaching courses (aaargh @ what lies ahead of us!), and little sleep last night and freezing cold... but then tonight online everything was "aaaaawwww".

      I've been in a pretty MJ-obsessive mood again for a while, I can't remember what started it... had it for a while then was reminded again when I read this entry by Michelle. He's so so so special and I love him so so so much. :) Just thought it'd be about time to mention that again :)

      Yeah and my Michael friends too... they're special I mean. Some of them especially, like the wonderful Me BML and mah baby Michelle and the cute and clever people on CC and MJNI... yeah and that's all thanks to the incomparable Michael Jackson too, so HOORAY again for our baby! :D

      Just finished watching Harry Potter, was a lot of fun. It was one of those takes recorded at a cinema and then encoded... you could hear people moving in their seats from time to time and twice some shadow moved past in front of the screen... but all in all it was surprisingly good quality. And good film. I LOVE the way Harry Potter (books and films) just take you away into some magical world... I get totally swept away by it. In fact I do that a lot with MANY books and maybe it does mean that I live in a dream world? Bah, what am I saying, I know for a fact that I live in a dream world a lot of the time, but I ain't doing no one any harm am I?

      OK off I go. Have yet to think of something to do in class tomorrow. Oh how I hate my job sometimes.

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:: 08Jan03 23:40 :: OTHER THAN THAT... :: Yeah so, uh, my plans for tonight were... updating this site, watching Harry Potter, and doing lots of overdue e-mailing. In the end I spent ages chatting to squiZZle, then some time watching Harry, then more time on the phone... no e-mailing so far. I did insert the POLL on the right tho (so bloody vote!).

      Went shopping this morning (weeee, sales!), got some kewl tops. Is freeeezing outside, I friggin' hate winter, I'm also a lazy cow, and that seems a good enough reason to stop typing now and finish watching Harry instead. Oh oh my mum has stopped smoking, well she's trying at least - I don't think she'll succeed but it's a start. Now I feel all bad cuz we had this "stop smoking - go on diet" thing going on... *munches on chocolate*

      Bah, why do I always end up doing this? I mean, doing nothing? Um, don't answer that...

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:: 07Jan03 23:00 :: Friggin' nightmare :: Ever typed using Windows onscreen keyboard? Well I am now and Christ, typing with a mouse is annoying. So yeah I spilled Coke over my real keyboardc and now it refuses to work. To make matters worse, the mouse stopped responding too and tho it's back now, its drivers have been swallowed up by the depths of my Mikey (my PC you freaks. Might rename it tho *g*) and none of the extra features are working. Was gonna do lots of e-mailing tonight... so instead I'mma watch Harry Potter. *hehe*

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:: 07Jan03 11:00 :: NOOOOOO :: Um hello. You know I hate my job? I mean, I do sometimes, and now is one of those times. Why can't I just win the lottery like other people? Why do I have to go to work to earn a living? It seems so utterly unfair. *sigh*

      Still moving out tho. My mum agrees a two-bedroom appartment is a reasonable size, so I'm gonna have to start looking around. It sounded like she would be willing to help me financially, but I'm still gonna have to get a mortgage, and have just found out that it's a rather daunting thought. I'm scared of all the expenses that lie ahead of me. Tho it's stupid of course cuz renting a place would cost just as much per month as the mortgage rates. Plus there's my student loan. Then there's my horse, my DSL, and all these other dull bills coming up... money that just disappears. Why is life so expensive?

      And you know, what scares me even more is that these expenses are more or less tying me down to this job... I couldn't just go off and say "well I can live off 1000 a month" anymore. And I never really DID decide I wanted to be grown up! And now I'll soon be paying off mortgages over 10 or 20 years!! *moan sigh whinge complain* I know. Sorry :P

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:: 05Jan03 23:45 :: RIDE WITH ME :: Sun was shining! On top of the snow! Was cool! Was fab in fact, so went for a ride and had the crazy idea of filming while riding and thought I'd let you take part in the pleasure... so if wanna get a very remote idea of what it feels like to gallop thru the snow... click here and only here! Um, only thing is that the RealAudio encoding of cheapy (cracked) RealProducer isn't ideal for fast moving stuff like this, so it's a bit jerky. But I wouldn't wanna share the real thing with ya anyway :P

      My mum asked me if we could talk earlier... in her usual bitter "sulking" voice... it did actually end quite bad and I don't wanna share all the details... her interpretation of my behaviour... my reason to do what I did... was weird.. just insane... I'd've envisaged anything but not that... she's weird. Um anyway. We're talking again. I mean the last thing she said before my friend arrived was quite, um, unconciliatory. But after my friend had left she acted as if nothing had ever happened. So we updated each other on all that stuff we hadn't been able to talk about... and stuff... ignoring the whole argument... but anyway, it's still happening, I mean I'm still moving out, definitely. Is better for everyone and I have SO been looking forward to it!!

      Aye thassit, must go sleep soon, school in less than 8hrs and all that.. means getting up in less than 7hrs... aaargh!

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:: 04Jan03 22:45 :: SNOW... :: I've meant to do some e-mailing today.. might still do later, tho Miriam said I should go to bed at 23.00 but um... *g*

      Yeah so we had snow today, and lots of it too... went out in the afternoon to go & visit horsey and maybe go for a ride... took camera and drove off... it's SO funny how people drive all slowly and carefully when there's snow on the roads - like, a lot more than necessary! *g* Um anyway, I ended up getting stuck myself. *lmao* See, to get to my horsey, you need to drive down steep hill and up another steep hill. Went down first hill alright, then up next hill... and made it to the first bend, then my car gave up. LOL. I tried rolling back down a little and starting again, I even started in 2nd gear, but it was pointless. It went everywhere except straight ahead. *g* So I let the 00:04 06/01/2003car roll backwards down the hill again & parked it & walked the rest (which was only another 5mins). As I got out of car and walked up the hill, the "snow cleaning" truck (whataretheycalled) drove past and cleaned road *lol*, so I did get back up the first hill on my way back home.

      But before going home again I went for a walk, took some pics, nothing spectacular, but all pretty and white so will share with ya :)

      The snow is now slowly gliding off my attic windows - I'm actually quite surprised it took so long. Shouldn't it have melted long ago cuz the window is warming up from within? Ah well, don't mind, is cool, reminds me of the whiteness outside. I do like the snow I must say. Probably cuz we get so little of it. :P

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:: 04Jan03 13:40 :: WEEEEEEEE :: Snow snow snow, we got snow snow snow!!! :) :) :)

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:: 04Jan03 4:20 :: INSOMNIA THAT BITCH... AND MY FLAAAT :: Aaaargh let me sleeeeep!!!! Been trying for hours now. Gave up 1/2 hour ago. What's the point? Maybe I'll just stay up all night and go to bed early tomorrow. I mean I seriously can't go on like this - I have to get up at 7.00am on Monday and that just won't work if I get to sleep at 4.00! So yeah. Plus I've been getting all mega-excited about moving out and decorating my new place so I thought I'd get up and write down some of my ideas... bit silly as I don't know AT ALL what the place will look like... I DO know however that it will have to have a fairly high ceiling, as I intend to get myself one of those loft beds... a bit like this one. Um yeah. If I do that I should be able to manage with two bedrooms... or even one bedroom and a BIG living room... I'd have to have a convertible settee for guests... tho an extra room for PC stuff would be cool. In that case I could have the pigs running in the bedroom - obviously they can't be anywhere with too many cables.

      I've also decided I wanna get most of my stuff 2nd hand, and I definitely want an artistic or freaky flair. I used to want my flat very clean and simple - white walls, ALL pine furniture and decorated with basic colour accessories - green, yellow, red, blue. But I think I've changed my mind now :P I've never actually been able to decorate a whole place by myself - I've always lived in furnished houses (or with my parents), so I'm really looking forward to this. I wish I'd kept all the pics of cool ideas I've seen in magazines. Like, someone had used a very thick chain to hang all their clothes - out in the open of course, that looked kinda cool. And my clothes are so nice and colourful (well, the ones that aren't black *g*) that I think they SHOULD be out for everyone to see :P

      Hm, maybe I'm getting tired again now. Shall I give sleep another try? All together now... All we are saaayyyyiiiing is giiive sleep a chaaance. Ahem. BTW, good trick for generating more traffic (for a while): comment on and link to well visited sites that use a referrer service (like this one for instance). Then you only need a few people to click on the link and you'll end up on their referrer list... and since thousands of people visit their sites, you'll find that a few of them will be curious enough to click on your link too (esp. with a domain name like myowndamn.biz, hehe). So yeah. That was my good-night story for y'all and now I'm off to bed. I'll set my alarm for a half reasonable hour. It's started raining again, ugh.

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:: 03Jan03 22:40 :: SERIOUSLY DISCONCERTED :: Why is it that I'm constantly tired? Is it gonna go away once I have a normal sleeping pattern again? I sure hope so. I slept until 14.35 today (well I did go to bed late, but still), and now it's 1/2 10 and I'm tired again. I could go to bed and just fall asleep now - tho I'm guessing I'll probably be wide awake in a few hours from now. *sigh*

      Anyway, I've decided to turn this into a picture update... I didn't take many pics at all in Glasgow, and Me BML wouldn't let me put them up if I had, so you're getting Lux pics instead... is from left to right: cape with hood, cape without hood, and presents Me BML got me (sorry for my dad being in there - needed sth to stick the glove to). Cool aren't they? :D

     Day was moderately productive. Cleaned pigs, more or less tidied room and spent a few hours on the phone to friends, mainly bitching about my mum. *lol* Friends tend to agree it was stupid and mean of her to say what she said, whereas my nan was more like "you should try to get along you know". They all agree moving out is probably the best thing to do tho. BTW, my nan let me know my mum really was worried I'd been killed and chopped to bits and stuff - so I'd guessed correctly. Serves her right for being evil. *hmph*

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:: 03Jan03 00:20 :: ALWAYS ON THE WRONG TRACK :: Just quoting Pink, not saying this is representative of my life. Things with my mum haven't worked out. She came in this morning and said sth along the lines of "about time you told me what it is you're sulking about" and left again, so I wrote her a letter explaining as I didn't want an argument. Turns out it wasn't a good idea as it meant she could react to what she wanted only, so she ignored the whole thing (i.e. where I'd told her what a cow she'd been) and only told me that she agreed I should move out asap, and that I couldn't blame her for kicking me out. I said no, only for hounding me out. And honestly, I won't be the one missing out, I don't mind living on my own at all, in fact I rather fancy it (tho I did mean to save money by staying here). And I might just get a cat if I move into my own place. And some more pigs. And I'll get a satellite dish too. No point getting one before that now is there.

      So that will be in April-ish. Before that... we'll have to get on. And I'm bored. I've finally done that Tests page tho, and am currently thinking about making a new one myself... will have to be MJ-related again. *g* My days are boring at the moment. I have so much to do, but I just spend the whole time slouching in front of my PC. How geeky. How "no life"-y. LOL. Not really bothered tho. Well I HAVE been shopping and gave friend a lift to the airport. The weather is SO awful anyway, like, we have this rain and wind and stuff, oooh you have NO idea how much I hate the sound of it (on window under roof)! Especially at night if I wanna sleep :( That will be another good thing about moving out. Ha. There you go, come full circle so I'll stop now.

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:: 02Jan03 00:00 :: GLASGOW ACCOUNT ETC :: Yeah ok, lemme do another slightly more wordy update.. tho I'll still keep it short... if you want a proper account of what I've been doing over the past 4 days, you should check Me BML's (Mine! :evil ©) latest diary updates as she has said it all and much better than I can. So yeah, she'll tell you ALL about what we've been up to, and I can't add much to that, except that I had a fantastic time, I love her THIS much (insert smiley with arms wiiide apart) and I miss her like hell and will go back asap. This time flying from Germany cuz is nearer - driving in the dark is awful, I get hallucinations and stuff, like if there's a blue road sign a way off, I'll think it's a wee man (hehe) standing on the road and I jump on the brake, only to have the people behind me crash into my car... well I do that when I'm tired. I hate hate hate driving in the dark.

     Um yeah anyway. Glasgow was definitely worth it, I'd go back tomorrow if I could, I'd STAY there if I could too! And I get all depressed about having close friends living so far away (sob), cuz then even if you go every time you can, you'll only see them every few months and that's just not enough. But on the other hand, having friends all over the globe is great cuz you get to visit all sorts of cool places, and you have many more opportunities to meet funky people than if you just stay in your own city/country. So yeah. Um.

     Oh yeah, people in Glasgow speak funny, but if I say that Me BML (MINE! :evil ©) will make fun of me and try to (!) imitate my "posh London" accent (isn't!!), so I won't say that. Oh wait, I DID just say it. Ah well n'mind. They do after all. Oh yes and we did meet squiZZle and he's not as scary as on the pics, in fact he's quite nice (did Me BML say he was "sweeeet"? She did. Well I'll stick with "quite nice" *muah-ha-ha*), and he didn't slaughter us for being 1hr late, hehehe.

     Ah yes, Me BML got me a CUTE Angelina CD clock and MJ wobbly sticky glove... um I'll take pictures, you'll see what I mean. I'll also take a pic of the absolutely amazing Gothic cape that I've bought (inspired by Angelina in Original Sin). Love it, tho I'm probably never gonna wear it outside. *g* I also bought a pair of black trousers (boring, but useful) and lots of books, and the Trigger Happy TV Box Set and PLENTY of Cadbury Dream Eggs :D I think that's more or less it... ah painkillers, cuz I have this "only UK painkillers really work" obsession/delusion.

     My mum's mad at me for not ringing her to tell her I'm ok; I don't give a fuck tho cuz she told me before I left that she didn't see why she should stop smoking since I was always mean to her anyways and this was not worth staying alive for. Which effectively means she doesn't like being around me, and that I might as well disappear/die myself. So why should she care whether I have an accident or not? *rolleyes* I'm moving out as soon as I can afford to. I know I say that every few weeks, but I mean it. I ain't the one staying behind and suffering - I came home from the UK so bloody fast so she wouldn't be on her own, but if she finds me too awful to be around anyway that's fine, I can sure think of more fun places to stay!! Could just go back to Glasgow - at least I know I'm welcome there!

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:: 01Jan03 23:30 :: WAAAAAAAHHH :: Me BML!!!!!

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