Only Connect

I am currently reading I Am the Messenger by Markus Zusak. It is super-touching in the way this young guy, who’s kind of a loser, deeply connects with people when he’s given “missions” to deliver messages to random strangers (and finally his friends). He is the kind of person I wish I could be in the ideal version of myself. But I know I will never be this, in fact my real self doesn’t even want to be this.

I do not want to be, I cannot get close to people. Back when I was drinking I was still able to do this – too much of it, of course, too far, too intensely – which was not good for anyone either. I am pretty sure I drank in part to enable me to do that, just as much as I was trying to ward off fear. Yes, you don’t need to tell me that the fear and the distance are linked. Getting close to people is SCARY. Letting people get close to me is even scarier, but the Messenger protagonist never actually does that. He remains mostly a blank slate to them. And it’s still scary.

I cannot say I am… unhappy the way I am? Intensely solitary and self-sufficient. So if society weren’t constantly telling us that social connections are vital to our well-being, I might not be bothered at all. I read these books, or stories about real people like this, and I have this wish to be a better person. I don’t know that I expect to be happier that way. They say no (wo)man’s an island. I don’t know. I have no idea where I’m going with this, but I felt the need to write it down just now. I’ll now go finish my book.