Rollercoaster
I’ve not seen my therapist in almost 6 weeks! First because of Christmas and then she had the flu. IT SHOWS!!! Can’t deal with life without talking it through once a week. 😐 Plus so much has changed these past few weeks! It seems not everyone approves tho; I had a conversation with my mum again yesterday where she went “what did I do wrong?” (for me to turn out like this). Apparently the right thing for me to do would’ve been to select one degree (probably a different one than I did), finish it, find a job closely related to it, and stick with that until retirement. In Luxembourg, of course.
Now I certainly can’t argue that my life right now is stable and safe and whatever else it is supposed to be. But is it altogether that bad? I am trying to find my place in the world, a place that will make me halfway happy, I think I have a right to that, no? According to my mum, what I did never would’ve crossed her mind – leaving Luxembourg, to start with. But I live my life, not hers. I do wish what she thought of me didn’t bother me so much. I feel so judged, constantly, for anything and everything I do.
It’s the same thing with my hair, which is now her constant obsession after I got her to shut up about my weight and have fixed my teeth. It pisses me off no end that she goes on and on and on about it – it even pisses me off when she doesn’t mention it, because I know she just can’t fucking accept my choices. She doesn’t have to like it or find it appealing – but she should accept that I do, that I love it, and it makes me happy.
It reminds me of a conversation I had with Mon once many years ago, where I said something like “you should get rid of your dogs” (because to me they were tying her down or preventing her from visiting me or something like that) and she replied “but they make me happy” (or something to that effect). And I realised how important they were to her, and therefore they should be important to me too (I would like to add that this was before I’d met and grown to love them). I wish my mum could come to a similar realisation about the stuff that is important to me, even if she can’t relate to it. *sigh*
Alternatively, I wish I could stop caring! I’m not even sure why I care so much what she thinks of me (despite therapy, heh). Blah, ok I’m done talking about this. I shall move on to something more pleasant, such as writing a letter to my Brazilian pen friend. 🙂
Unfortunately I don’t think we’re ever going to be able to stop caring what our parents think of us. I mean unless you were estranged and had been since youth, like people you read about who then don’t even think of their parents as their parents. But you and your mum do have a bond so will never be estranged, which is a very good thing. It’s a shame it’s always so negative what she says, and it sounds very very hurtful. But I also think that although you don’t speak about it there MUST be some positives in there somewhere too. If all she ever said were things to hurt you or insult you or patronise you, you wouldn’t keep her in your life. So I’m just thinking, surely there must be times when she makes it clear that she does love you? Although I get that ‘loving’ and ‘accepting’ are two very different things, and that part is sad – that she still, no matter how much time goes on, doesn’t seem able to accept that this is actually who you are, this is your personality. Short of you both having therapy together, I don’t think you’ll ever speak the same language on that one. I guess an option is to just say something to her like, if you say anything negative about my hair / weight / life choices again, I’m going to hang up on you. And make it clear that there’s that line you won’t tolerate being crossed. Then actually hang up. You could the first time even call her straight back or something after doing it and go “now, where were we” to try and make a point. Might sound petty, but I’ve heard of people taking action like that and it worked. Whatever you said / did got her to stop going on about the weight so… maybe she just needs to be trained. Like a little puppy. Speaking of which, I can’t believe you once told Mon to get rid of her dogs 😐
And that, for what it’s worth, is my two penneth. So perhaps my two penneth is worth two penneth..?
Wow, huge comment from slore.
Yeah, of course there are positives in her, definitely. I think partly that makes it harder – if she were just a horrible person I could dismiss her opinions entirely.
And yeah I have thought about exactly what you suggested – saying sth like “I won’t take this, I will hang up now”. But 2 problems with this are 1. I know she still FEELS the same (I have that problem with the fatness too) and 2. it will put her in a defensive/snarky “so what AM I allowed to say” mindframe I think. Cuz generally, when something goes off limits she moves on to the next thing – so it will just be a neverending expansion of taboo topics. Last time we had a discussion about my life she said “and what’s so special about Brighton anyway?” and I thought Jesus FUCK, where will it END? :))