oh shit! BEDA XXXI

You’d think I’d wanna go out with a bang, either a long, thoughtful post, or a funny one, or… something else. And then it turns out I’ve left it way too late again and need to go to sleep. Which is really not acceptable, is it, but there you go. I’ll try to go on for a little while longer though.

I used to write really long emails. I wanted to dig one up and just post it verbatim, to give you something to read, but it seems most of my longer emails were in German. Now of course I don’t write emails at all. Tho I did write one to L.J. from work today which was pretty long I guess.

I also used to write really long (and frequent) blog entries of course. Used to, used to. I wonder what I’d do differently if I could do it all over again. My life I mean. Definitely a lot of things. It’s kind of unfair you don’t get a second chance. Of course there’s stuff you can always improve on “going forward” (redundant business-speak, that), but there are a number of missed opportunities that never come back. And they may have changed your life considerably.

On the other hand, it’s interesting how little events set you off on a certain path, and often you don’t realise until much later “hey, had I not done X, I wouldn’t even be here today.” Like, for instance, the fact that had I not been such a massive Queen fan in my teens, I probably wouldn’t have fallen in love with this country and eventually moved here. Well, there is no knowing, but it definitely played a big part.

And where would I be then? Most likely in France, as I would’ve studied French if I hadn’t wanted to come to England. But then who knows, I might have ended up somewhere altogether different. Those too are all missed opportunities, even if I’m quite happy with where I live. But I don’t know what else could have been! So – again – it would be nice to get a few goes. But maybe, in a parallel universe, there are Clarissas currently living all those other options. If only we could be penpals and tell each other about it!

I am very happy living in Britain tho. I usually take it for granted these days, but sometimes I get these moments where I turn into the 15-year-old I was, and marvel at the fact that I actually live in this country! It usually happens when I’m in public, on my own, listening in to people’s conversations and thinking “oh, they speak English! Remember how I used to love that? Oh yeah, I have that every day now! Neat!”

But sometimes, when I feel particularly inadequate, I am completely baffled by the fact that I even managed to navigate life as far as I have. And I’m convinced that were I put before the same situation again (say, uni in Paris. buying and decorating a flat. getting jobs), I’d fail miserably. Ah yes, therapy. *underlines the word on her mental To Do list*

Goodbye BEDA MMX! It’s been fun! May see you again next year – tho then of course it will be BEDA MMXI.