See it's interesting (me about me)
Category: Me about me | 7 Comments | Posted 3:14A few nights ago I had a chat with lovely Mon about some of what happened in Norway and me making a huge fuss about it, and how it wasn't such a big deal (she said) but it freaked me out anyway (I said)... and I was trying to make sense of it all and came to the conclusion that I'm paranoid, and that this is linked to my low self-esteem.
That whenever someone says something bad about me (tho it may be meant as a joke, or just a thoughtless comment), I'm convinced they really mean it, and that they find me annoying or boring, and only spend time with me when (or because) there is no one better around, and that therefore they are using me. Or that they think I'm a worthless shit who can do nothing right and therefore love to put me down (that's what I have with my mum a lot).
Then I shared this amazing realisation of mine with Craig the next day and he said he thought I wasn't paranoid at all, that what I had with my mum was just the normal mum/daughter relationship and that it was normal to feel used when people kept asking for favours without giving anything in return (ok there's a bit missing here, this is in no way related to Norway, just to sth else that was brought up in conversation, but anyway).
Then tonight while bored I read old diary entries and came across this one, among others, where I talk about my habit of over-analysing myself. And I realised that it's really quite extreme. I love finding big words to explain the ways I act and react. I love personality tests too, I love finding a diagnosis for my behaviour. Paranoid, histrionic, sociophobic, give me a term and a definition and I feel better.
And it's just a lame way of putting some distance between myself and my feelings. Some people hate being analysed or talking about their screwed up ways, but I love it. I'd rather talk (or think) about it for 5hrs than actually experience it for 10mins (and of course I realise I'm doing it again right now). It doesn't do anything tho of course - it doesn't change much about the way I do actually feel. It just makes me feel more under control. Putting a label on the way I act makes me feel like I have some objective distance - I can look at myself from above and go "ah of course, she's trying to do this-and-that" - as if it was somebody else.
And that's what much of my life is about. Never giving in to feelings. My head will always win - even in a moment of passion or whatever. That's not to say I can't be spontaneous... just not when my head says no. I don't even know if that's so bad. I'm just stating a fact. No idea what to do with that now. And none of my usual psychoanalysists (LJ, Mir, Michelle) around to give me a clue! *lol*
Bit of both perhaps. Both paranoid and normal, I mean.
"That whenever someone says something bad about me (tho it may be meant as a joke, or just a thoughtless comment), I'm convinced they really mean it, and that they find me annoying or boring, and only spend time with me when (or because) there is no one better around, and that therefore they are using me. "
This sounds like something I could have said. And usually I've felt that way because I am/was insecure, not because I actually had a real reason to feel that way. I'm sure it's normal to react the way you did in certain situations, but at least when it comes to me, I definately overreact because I've had so many bad experiences with people in the past which have made me paranoid. Er...ja, I'm not sure if I really had a point, just felt like commenting. 
Can't really comment on the relationship between you and your mum though obviously. And I like analysing too. 
Both myself and others.
>>That whenever someone says something bad about me (tho it may be meant as a joke, or just a thoughtless comment), I'm convinced they really mean it, and that they find me annoying or boring, and only spend time with me when (or because) there is no one better around, and that therefore they are using me. Or that they think I'm a worthless shit who can do nothing right and therefore love to put me down
Posted by: Prue at Thu January 8, 2004 23:28Bah. Dangit. I meant to put on that last comment: "You just perfectly described me, too. Ah, the joys of being too self-analytical. "
Ja @ Mon. Of course it's normal to overreact when you've had bad experiences with people before... tho I haven't really, just that one with Robert the bastard.
Prue, you probably used closed HTML tags at the end of the quote uh? 
Good to know I'm not the only one tho
I guess it would depend if you are happy not giving into feelings if it is bad or not. I understand I think. I have a hard time trusting people and I think that makes it harder to give into feelings and it makes you more hypersensitive to comments that someone might make about you. Maybe they didn't mean anything hurtful by them.
In most cases I find it much easier to be my own friend. I keep most of my friends at a safe distance and don't reveal too much. I don't know how to not ever give into feelings though. I tried and it doesn't work for me, but maybe you are the exception!
Good luck with moving, but I'll probably 'see' you before then!
Posted by: jimmy at Fri January 9, 2004 5:42That whenever someone says something bad about me (tho it may be meant as a joke, or just a thoughtless comment), I'm convinced they really mean it
Well, isn't this the normal behaviour of female beings and the reason for most of the misunderstandings between sexes?
In most cases I find it much easier to be my own friend. I keep most of my friends at a safe distance and don't reveal too much.
Yes I think that's usually wiser too. Tho I have to say, I do value the friendships that I have and I think that trust is a wonderful thing (and it keeps amazing me when people do put their trust in me, maybe because it's such a big deal to me).
Well, isn't this the normal behaviour of female beings and the reason for most of the misunderstandings between sexes?
It is? I think a lot of people have issues with self-esteem (and that's what it basically is), not necessarily just women. But if "saying sth bad about someone" is the problem, then my question is, why do men feel the need to make such comments?
Posted by: Clarissa at Fri January 9, 2004 11:21