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D I A R Y
- July 2002 -

:: 31Jul02 23:00 :: FREAKINESS :: There are some fascinating worlds out there. Out there online I mean. Like, people filling pages with stuff that makes no sense to anyone outside of their little communities. Like these people for instance. I guess what makes it so interesting is that anyone can read what they write. If some obscure role-playing community had an annual meeting in real life, it would seem weird to just say "can I sit in and listen to you, altho you make no sense to me". But here, you can just spend a few minutes reading their warbles & being puzzled, and then move on. *lol* It's kinda cool.

:: 31Jul02 3:25 :: LAZINESS :: Wow, I've finally updated SexGod. Also spent HOURS on the phone to a couple of friends, and now it's W*A*Y past my bedtime, and feels like it too. *yawn* Might actually write something interesting tomorrow (my last day at work btw!). Night :)


:: 30Jul02 0:45 :: IN MY BACK YARD ::
      Our pond and our ducks during lightning & thunder... the ducks are the little white dots at the back of the pond. They got all agitated when the thunder started.
      My walk was quite nice btw. I encountered a frog too, and some people, most of them girls btw. Most of them busily walking along, trying to reach their destination asap. It was still sooo hot tho. So Much better outside!
      While I was taking pics in some foresty bit, I heard one of the CCTV cams noisily changing position & it made me giggle. Wonder what they thought of me, crazy girl wandering around on her own (& barefoot, tho I doubt they could see that) shortly before midnight. Actually I did try to avoid very "surveilled" areas (guess that made me even more suspect?)
      Oh BTW I had no idea how much courage it takes to walk barefoot on totally dark lawn. All sorts of squishy things around. *lol* And who knows what else you could walk upon?


:: 29Jul02 23:15 :: CONFINEMENT :: I'm feeling rather claustrophobic. The rain has stopped. I would love to go outside and just walk about a little, as if Warwick University Campus was my back yard. Barefoot, wearing tracksuit bottoms & an MJ T-shirt. Oh, and it's not like I wouldn't dare or anything, I'm just thinking it's kinda late and I oughta be in bed soon. Tho I guess it would seem kinda weird if I walked around barefoot around this time? But then do I really care? No I don't, that's quite right.
      I was meant to write so many e-mails tonight. I wrote, um, 1 1/2. It's a start I guess. I ate 2 muffins tho. And lots of strawberries.

:: 29Jul02 21:55 :: COOKIES ARE SCARY :: Especially at Amazon. In a way I appreciate being "known" to them and not having to enter my info every time I order sth etc, but seeing my name on their Home Page does freak me out from time to time (plus this is my real name obviously and not "Clarissa Carim" :P) And once I encountered an Amazon ad on a website which had my name in it too - now that was even scarier cuz I wasn't AT ALL expecting it! Transparent user indeed. Ugh. I think.

:: 29Jul02 21:15 :: REFRESHED! :: Wow, I just went for a run around campus in a thunderstorm, very nice. It was sooo hot, now I sure am feeling better! *lol* Sometimes I don't hate the rain after all :)

:: 29Jul02 19:25 :: JUST SAYING HI :: I've got so many e-mails to write you wouldn't believe. And all to tyrannical people who will give me hell if I don't write! *lol* just kidding. Been to Warwick, St.Mary's Church, I was a bit disappointed. Last time I went I was really impressed, this time I found it rather average. Guess it can't compete with Glos. Cath.


:: 28Jul02 13:45 :: CATHEDRALS & CASTLES :: I've put the pics of Gloucester Cathedral online, well some of them. Click here. The sun is shining, so I will be off to Kenilworth Castle now. *g* Maybe more pics soon? I wonder if there's a nice cemetery in Kenilworth. I'm sure there is.


:: 27Jul02 22:25 :: Une chanson qui nous ressemble :: Yves Montand has the most amazing voice. I (re)discovered "Les Feuilles Mortes" a while back, I have no idea where I know it from, it sounds so painfully familiar. I used to think of him as an actor who dabbled in singing, but his voice.... ooh his voice. It's killing me and yet I can't stop listening to it. Les feuilles mortes se ramassent à la pelle. Les souvenirs et les regrets aussi.
Mais la vie sépare ceux qui s'aiment, tout doucement, sans faire de bruit.

:: 27Jul02 20:15 :: GLOUCESTER CATHEDRAL, TWIN TOWNS & BOOKS :: Well that was a rather nice afternoon. Didn't stay in Stratford, SO many tourists it made me sick, might go back on Tuesday. It seems a nice enough town, even if you disregard the Shakespeare... thing. *g* Yeah, so I ended up in Gloucester in the end, I'd toyed with the idea before but thought it was too far... it wasn't all that bad in the end, about an hour's drive, and definitely worth it. The cathedral is amazing, I spent ages in there, took some photos as well which I might share later, and bought a booklet & postcard for my collection (I collect Gothic cathedrals, or cathedrals with gothic elements). Beautiful cloister, and the stained glass windows are great too - even those within the cloister, less exposed, are truly beautiful. They had a choir rehearsing, which added to the atmosphere. At one point they did a piece from Mozart's Requiem, which inevitably made me cry. I actually recorded 10secs or so of the atmosphere (I love my digicam).
      Gloucester is twinned with Trier (Germany) and Metz (France) - both towns within 40mins of where I live in Lux. Quite eerie. I wonder if it is because of their cathedrals (well, Trier has a dome). I wonder how places decide to become twinned. Coventry is twinned with Dresden, which is probably because they were both heavily bombed in the 2nd world war, as my slave Ian suggested. And I wonder how the twinning happens? Do they debate it in the city council, come up with a few options, and then the mayor rings up the mayor of the other towns and says "how about it"? Or is there something like a central "European twin city co-ordinating bureau"? *lol*
      Another reason why I went to Gloucester is because the book I am reading now (Think... by David Lodge) is based at Gloucestershire Uni and mentions Cheltenham nearby, so I went there too - funny to see the street mentioned in the book, tho I was a little disappointed, it isn't that nice. And as I read on tonight I found another place I could've visited while I was down there. Darn. *g* It's a really good book tho. I've been wondering if I should put a Books Review page on my site, I'm reading so much lately. And have so many other books I'd like to recommend. But then I am not a very good critic and it would be far too subjective... ah anyway, I'll think about it.
      Oh BTW I got annoyed with boldening words in my diary entries, so I will try this new "headline" format now.


:: 26Jul02 20:15 :: Oh sorry for boasting, but I just have to mention it. My humble site is No2 on the Mosiqa MJ List, muah-ha-ha-ha that is mighty cool. An I guess I really should be doing some serious updating uh? I started the other day I swear! :P
      I've decided to go to Kenilworth Castle and Stratford tomorrow. I do hate Shakespeare but I guess it would be a downright sin living so near Stratford as an English Lit graduate, and not having been there. So I'm going. Happy?? *g*
      I hope the weather will be as good as it was today. I love the sun. And blue sky. And a smile! The therapeutic effect of a smile from a total stranger! :)

:: 26Jul02 2:35 :: Blurgh. It always creeps back on you. At least I managed to write a couple of e-mails. But blurgh anyway. Funny, even in all my desperate love for MJ sometimes I resent him for still having his dad (I mean he's bloody 43!), even tho HIS dad was an arse.
      I wonder when people lose their patience with someone who keeps going on and on about something. It will be 2 months soon. Two fucking months. Apparently it takes 2 years to get over it. Ugh.


:: 25Jul02 18:59 :: I had the most horrible headache earlier and now it's gone. What a liberating feeling! It's such a shame one doesn't usually enjoy one's headachelessness enough because one is not imminently aware of its gruesome alternative. I wonder if I should go food-shopping now. Just cuz I can and cuz I wasted the whole afternoon in bed. Almost finished Coupland tho. Weird book, but fun in places.


:: 24Jul02 11:35 :: Well who would've thought. I've got a job, at my old school, would you believe it? That's rather funky I would say. Plus Martine, one of my best friends, will be working there too, she's the one I've known for 19 years and we've basically been almost everywhere together (schools, uni, UK...). Spooky.
      Other than that I've been pretty lazy again. Looked for some cliques to join, and that's it. My head hurts. My bed waits. I'm hungry too tho. Hmmm.


:: 22Jul02 22:05 :: There, I've made some changes on the site - "new" welcome page as you could see (tho not really new), Live has a new look too and oh, I also put some of the new cemetery pics online.
      I meant to do much more, and also update SexGod and mail lots of people, but yet again, it just didn't happen. Hopefully tomorrow?


:: 21Jul02 23:55 :: Hi I'm back. My week-end was weird. Some was good, some was very bad. Following is a text I wrote on a piece of scrap paper at some point last night. I am not feeling so bad anymore at the moment but I thought I'd type it up anyway. Guess it's part of me too.
      Also I've decided to get a grip on life again now, or at least try. To stop delaying things over and over, stop doing nothing productive for days on end, stop drinking so much, and instead start trying to use my body again, trying to take care of it, and stop being so damn weak. It's an attempt, not the first one either, but the way I am living my life right now can't be the right way.
      On a "saner" note, I've taken some pics and a few of them might find their way onto the site ;) Tomorrow though.


:: 20Jul02 20:30ish :: I am cracking up. I am reading Prozac Nation, listening to Haendel's Sarabande, and I'm cracking up.
      I remember when Prozac Nation came out, I refused to read it, because it was so hip, and I disliked whiney people and thought they should just "get a grip". Then I got to know more and more people with depression, anxiety disorder, borderline & other mental problems, and I hoped Prozac Nation would give me an insight into what these people seem reluctant or unable to put into words. So I bought it. I felt literally drawn to it, I HAD to have it.
      And then I decided to read it while I was having trouble keeping my own mind functioning. I have become more & more reclusive lately, more & more asocial & less & less bothered about all these little things society expects from you. And then my dad died and that made me even less receptive... I just don't care anymore.
     I told myself a long while back that I would never let anyone drag me out anymore if I wanted to be alone, that I would do any of that fucking social stuff if I didn't feel like it, just because you are supposed to, or to do someone a favour who thinks they are doing you one. And yet I kept going along, I went to this-and-that because someone pleaded, when I'd much rather have curled up in bed reading or stayed at the PC. And maybe it's my dad's death which has/will put an end to that.
      So here I am in Cardiff, listening to Haendel's Sarabande & reading Prozac Nation, when I am supposed to be with my friend Claire at her mate's birthday party. I just refused to be talked into going when it was the last thing I wanted to do. Talking to people, making conversation, being funny, trying to appear normal and interesting - it just requires so much effort, and what for? Most of the time I am not enjoying it, and I have no interest whatsoever in impressing these people.
      Any social interaction, especially with strangers (who may well be nice people), becomes an almost insurmountable problem. But where will this road take me? Is this something that will get better? Do I need treatment? Is it really wrong to be like that? If so, why?

And what about Prozac Nation? I indulge in reading that book, the account of someone's daily struggle with depression - it's kinda giving me a structure. And it's an excuse in book form, it's making depression an option that I don't need to be ashamed of.
      And above all, it's self-indulgence, self-involvement that it is advocating - at least for me. Why should I try to be funny, sociable, presentable when I feel like being weird, reclusive, focused on myself and unpleasant? I will be me whenever I wish and I will be as bold as to expect of my friends to accept that. Not just the funny-weird me, but also the hard-to-bear weird me.
      And if they are taken aback by that, if it makes them feel uncomfortable or they find it hard to take, they're gonna have to live with it, or they're gonna have to leave. And if I lose friends over that, too bad. What good are they if I need to pretend being someone else in order to please them?
      But then I think that this is not me at all. I am the balanced one, the one in control who listens to her loony friends. I am not supposed to be losing control, and I hate it. And realise that this feeling may just be a temporary thing, that my dad's death was quite a shock. Probably I will get better. But I am also aware of my family history - depression on my mother's side, psychopathy on my father's side, and a heightened risk of addiction anyway.

But what do you do when you get fits like this, bawling your eyes out, crying like a child would do, loudly, uninhibited, ugly. Wailing like the Palestinian women crying in the street over their dead kids, except I only ever do this when I'm completely alone. Only my mum has seen me like this, and that was in the first week after my dad's death. But I still get those fits, and I still haven't learned to control them, and they seem to be getting more frequent even. And more unforeseeable. And more violent.
      And I will see myself and think "come one get a grip, what are you doing, this is ridiculous" & I just can't & I'll go on & on until my nose is totally blocked and I am gasping for breath. And then eventually I'll get back to normal, slowly, struggling still, but managing to focus my attention on something other than grief, frustration, helplessness, loss, loneliness, managing to do something other than screaming against the bloody injustice of the world, of life, of death.


:: 19Jul02 13:15 :: Oh it's one of them "hi bye" entries again. Off to Cardiff for the week-end (have you heard that before? Yes you have! :P). Should be good fun. Speak soon :D Like, Sunday night or Monday afternoon.


:: 18Jul02 19:30 :: Here's a question I've asked myself: How weird do I seem to the average person out there? I'm aware I dress freakishly sometimes and have some weird hobbies, but I get the impression some people seem to think I am generally whacky. Like, walking around at work barefoot (my shoes hurt me!), or singing or even talking to myself in public, and maybe some of the weird reactions I give to people... and I have been rather reclusive lately, and I must often seem absent-minded... just staring into space and stuff.
      And why do people think if you hang out in cemeteries you're a Satanist or morbid or sth like that!? Or that you must be evil if you find the figure of the Devil fascinating? (well I guess if you believe in him... but I don't!) And last not least, what's so shocking or freaky about loving an artist like MJ and making him one of your hobbies? So what if I spend my money on trips to NYC to see him in concert rather than going to fucking Ibiza to drink & screw all night and sleep until 5.00pm?!
      LOL this was meant to be an innocent question & now I got all worked up about it again. It's true tho, and it's all about people's stupid prejudices and ideas of what is considered normal and what isn't. That's SOOO boring! They should just try being themselves instead of being what others expect them to be.

:: 18Jul02 18:10 :: Been doing some e-mailing and will do some more in a while, but I thought I'd squeeze in a diary update. I am undecided what book to read next. I kinda feel like Anne Rice again, but then I've read so much Anne Rice recently. Kinda wanna read Prozac Nation and kinda don't... sorta feel like reading Lodge or Coupland too... dunno, I'll decide tonight.
      I wish I could write. *lol* Not just "write" anything, but, you know, have some talent. And some perseverance. *ahem* Also, I've been obsessed with the idea of a collective Blog recently... I've read a few and found them funky, and thought it must be inspiring. Would be an interesting view on the current MJ situation too... one obsessive MJ-yes-sayer fan, one chronically critical "I only like the music" fan, and someone (like me), who's trying to see MJ as a human being with flaws, but still loves him obsessively. *lolol* Oh God I must sound weird.

:: 18Jul02 13:40 :: OMG I can't believe it! Trouble in the Angelina Jolie - Billy Bob Thornton relationship!??!?! Oh noooooo!!!! :(((( Gee, weird that, I used to be really jealous of him & all that LOL, I mean she's my absolute Goddess & all that, but hey I did want them to be together (not that what I want matters in any way at all). Hope she'll be ok - she was SO madly in love. I did actually think it would last a little longer than this.


:: 17Jul02 22:45 :: Now look at that, isn't that fascinating!? Just did some surfing around Satanist sites (as you do) and came across N(O)X, the First Satanic Church of Luxembourg... and they have this graph that shows international Satanism... and Luxbg seems to have as many members as the UK! LOL that would indicate a very active Satanist scene in Luxbg?! Unless they base this only on their OWN members? But that would make no sense. Um, whatever. *lol*

:: 17Jul02 12:35 :: Peas are round. That's rather annoying. They keep rolling off your fork, your toast and so on. Yay for GM-food! I want square peas! :D

:: 17Jul02 00:35 :: Um, lack of updates I know. Got no exciting life at the moment. Did the washing up this afternoon & lounged in the sun. One has to work one one's tan, doesn't one. I love books BTW, and reading. Must do more of that, and less of the 'hanging out online'.
      Still trying to figure out the current MJ/Sony situation. Am more confused than ever. Weird things are happening. It's so exhausting having to weigh every piece of news for reliability & truthfulness. I just wish all of this was over. And I hope they won't hurt my baby. I worry for him. *sigh*


:: 15Jul02 17:30 :: BBC News | Music | Fatboy Slim crowds cause chaos
 


                  Fucking hell! LOL. Didn't seem that bad to me!? 250.000 people, fuck ME!
                  And someone died? Woah.


:: 14Jul02 23:55 :: Michelle, your wish is my command. (or sth. I'm trying I swear!) Yeah, er, the week-end in Brighton was abfab, so you'll have to suffer thru a little photo report... hehe. Hope my girls ain't reading this or they'll start screaming that I have to take them off again.

First thing I visited, of course, the Brighton & Preston Cemetery. Beautiful as always. :) And the weather was absolutely amazing the whole time. Got a bit burnt too, ahem. I love the summer!
My girls Kate & Aspa after our exhausting shopping spree. I still can't believe how much money I spent, but since I won't be going back to Brighton so soon, I decided I was allowed to ;) Check out all of my great buys here!
Fatboy Slim played on the beach (not at "The Beach"!) on Saturday night, there were SO many people and the atmosphere was unbelievable. This is just about 1/5th of them - they were all along the seaside between the two Piers.
There were people everywhere - sat on Portaloos (left), which regularly collapsed when they jumped around too much, hung on lamps & traffic lights (right), there were even some dancing on a police van! *lol*
There were loads of little boats anchoring near the shore to watch the show too, very cute with their little lights. This was around 10pm-ish. It's a bit blurred cuz I was tripodless.
It was so nice and peaceful tho - no fights (as far as I heard), tho LOTS of alcohol was consumed ;) Very mediterranean feeling :)

Um yeah, that was pretty much it. Sunday was spent sleeping, sunbathing, chatting & eating. No, um, publishable pictures there. I'm SO glad I went down tho. :) Made me realise lots of things, some of which I was gonna mention here, but guess what... I can't be bothered now ;) Maybe they're too personal anyway. I miss Brighton tho. Going there is like coming home. OK, off to bed now.


:: 12Jul02 21:55 :: Been feeling pretty ill all day (blame it on the boogie, er, the pizza). Will be off to Brighton early tomorrow, so don't expect no updates until Sunday night. Monday in fact. Oh who knows. Have almost finished The Tale of the Body Thief tho, do in fact intend to finish it tonight. Prozac Nation next. Or maybe one of my Reginald Hills.


:: 10Jul02 22:05 :: Ugh.

:: 10Jul02 11:00 :: Seems I'm back. I've finally uploaded the pics from my Night Walk the other day. Not many other news. Still confused about MJ. Well, trying to gauge the situation. And feeling sorta sick, but not because of MJ. Oh, I bought some cool chairs yesterday, check pic on my Live page. That's all.


:: 09Jul02 9:11 :: Hmph, my connection at home is fucked up again, I can't use FTP (nor POP or messengers for that matter *grrrr*). Anyway, means updating is a huge hassle, that's why it's so quiet here at the moment. Doing this from work you see. *lol*


:: 08Jul02 23:00 :: I am lost & confused about this whole MJ business. But whether or not I agree with him, I know 2 things for sure:
1. I love & support him whatever he does.
2. I still ain't taking no shit from anyone concerning him.
And should I ever be forced to choose, I would always stand behind him. Just like I'd stand behind any of my friends.


:: 05Jul02 15:00 ::                 THE QUESTION OF RELIGION REVISITED
I had a laaawng talk with my mum last night about many things. We also spoke about this religion stuff and realised that we have a very different view of it. Once she had found out that she could not believe in God, she never really wondered why so many people do, and what is behind it all. She said she did ask herself sometimes how intelligent people could believe, as it seemed so impossible for her, but she never really went beyond that. None of her friends believed in God, she moved in circles where atheism was the obvious choice, hence she was never confronted with these questions.
      There was this article in the Spiegel a while back which explained how scientists had found a particular region in the brain which was responsible for, let's call it light hallucinations (this is of course mega-over-simplifying it), and that's where religious belief was based. That article mesmerised me as it gave me an explanation for what I could not understand - how can some people believe with utter conviction, when others find it impossible (these latter of course being the minority). And above all, while discussing their belief with some of these people, intelligent believers who had given all of this some thought, I found that we reached a point where arguments did no longer matter, because for THEM it made complete sense, whereas for me it was obvious it could not work.
      You could see it like this, take the Christian belief, it is a carefully constructed monument, which stands perfectly erect & firm on some ground, say on rock. But on a different base, say on soft soil, it will crumble immediately, you won't even be able to build it in the first place.
      But what makes some people rock and some soil, that's what I would like to know. People with the same background, the same education, the same IQ - why does one believe and the other does not? People who are miserable tend to be stronger believers because they need something to hold on to. But people who are well off often do too. We came to the conclusion that it may be because they cannot explain "the universe" as it is, and it frustrates them. It's the old crux of humanity. Hence they "invent" a God who created it all - and that God tells them, ORDERS them "do not question me. Do not move beyond me." Hence their problem is solved. They cannot comprehend the Infinity of the Universe - but the Infinity of God they can - because they NEED not comprehend it. "The ways of the Lord are impenetrable." Indeed. And not without reason.


:: 04Jul02 01:00 :: I have this habit of over-analysing myself and trying to find a motive, a reason behind each of my steps and feelings. I don't think this is generally a bad habit, you know, trying to get a critical distance to your acts, tho of course you may not always come up with the right "diagnosis". But sometimes I wonder if it's "normal". Like, some people NEVER question what they do or feel, they just take it for granted, they accept their feelings as "the only way" and they act upon it without second thoughts.
      I mean, that's cool, but I could never do that. I always have to pick everything apart and, for example, make my actions fit the personality diagnosis I have "laid out" for myself, or explain them away with what I know of myself. And I'm not saying I am not open to new suggestions - I have a number of friends who like psycho-analysing me just as I psycho-analyse others, and if they suggest something that makes sense to me, I will rectify my self-diagnosis by fitting in this new info.
      But this obsessive self-analysis doesn't CHANGE the way I live my life on a day-to-day basis. Like, I know I am lazy so I usually seek the easiest way out. This knowledge will not make me try to improve and become less lazy. I kinda surrender to the laziness, FULLY knowing it's a weakness, a vice - and sort of despising myself for it too. Yet I will sort of accept it as an "insurmountable" flaw that's part of me. But does that make me a better person than the one who doesn't even question? No, I think it makes me a lesser one, for I seek an explanation, an excuse even, and yet refuse to act upon it.
      Oooh and I could say MUCH more about this by linking it to my father's (NB biological father, who is still alive, the bastard) legacy. But this would make no sense to any of you. Must discuss it with some people who will understand. Yet you can also see my fear of feelings here. They MUST be explained away. There, I'm doing it again :| *lol*


:: 03Jul02 20:20 :: I would only be whingeing again so nevermind. It's a month today but I hadn't even realised. With his Birthday being tomorrow I got everything mixed up. I feel sorta like I did on the 10th of June. A week after, a month after, what's the difference? Except now I feel the guilt towards my mum too, and we can't share our grief anymore because our grief is different, expresses itself differently and manifests itself at different times. Yeah I know I keep going on & on about it. [sarcasm]Weird that.[/sarcasm] I would have other things to write about actually, but I can't be arsed. 2Bad.


:: 01Jul02 23:20 :: I hate my D key. Trying to fix (glue) it only makes matters worse. So I finally had to connect my external keyboard, somehow that Shift key is not working, plus now my mouse is USB which means I can't connect anything else. Ugh.
      I'm in Lux, things are ok. Haven't really cried since I got back, but my mum's still very bad. And to my own shame I must say I am getting more and more impatient with her. It's so frustrating, I CAN'T do anything to bring him back either! She said to me earlier "I wondered who I was kidding when I thought having you back would make it easier. I only want him back." - well thanks very much, why DID I bother then? *sigh* I know that sounds horrid. Yet I have managed to keep my own grief shut away. I am doing things.
      Bought myself a funky new mousepad, will take pix some day. Also took some pics on the way home. Folkestone is a hideous town. *lol*


read on > June 2002
 
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