They're back!!!! I don't know why or how or what triggers them. I have them every few months - well I have mood swings all the time, but every few months they get so very extreme. It was like that in Janary, it was like that again for a while in... April I believe? And again now. Which would suggest that it's every three months (hm, and there was one such phase last October too...). Where can I switch them off?? Is there a button somewhere?
I said yesterday that London had been very very very nice. And this was very true. I had a really great time with my friends, it was fab to see them again (1st time since last December), I love them all and they all love me (incl. the kids - they're the only kids I can stand, and the girl is the only kid I truly love). We were in Southwark, which is lovely, we found a cute little French pub type thing, we walked along the Thames... it was perfect.
The journeys there and back however were pretty horrid. I was crying most of the time on the trip up... I passed the time reading Oscar et la Dame Rose about a little boy who is dying of leukemia but learns to appreciate the value of life in his final 10 days (he finds God of course) and tries to impart this upon others, and it has all sorts of moving episodes and deep insights and shit, and I was just sat there thinking "I want this too damnit, I want to be touched by this and savour life and see it as a gift, I want to wake up every morning and marvel at the miracle of life!" And then the little boy died and it was sad of course and I cried more, tho I knew he would die from the start. Bit like the latest Harry Potter lol.
And then on the way back, after saying goodbye to my wonderful friends, and sitting on the train and still being euphoric and planning to text them to thank them for an amazing evening... well I dunno where I slipped off but I pretty much spent the whole rest of the trip planning an imaginary suicide... and how complicated it would be to kill myself - how I would have to explain or apologize to so many people... it started out with the people I would want to say goodbye to, and they were fairly few... and then I thought of those people who would expect me to say goodbye to them and would be hurt if I didn't - and because I do not want to hurt anyone if I can avoid it I would have to write to them too...
... and then I thought of more people, friends who were close but I'm not really in touch with so much anymore, and how they would react, and I thought "well they'll think 'shit she killed herself? that's kind of fucked up' but not much more", and then I turned it round and thought about how I would feel if one of them killed themselves, and it would totally tear me apart, and then I wondered whether that was because I am such a melodramatic whingeing cow, or because death/suicide always touches us more than we like to admit.
NB - I have no intention of actually killing myself. I am not selfish enough for that (and I don't get depressed enough to think "they would be better off without me"). There are not many people I feel I owe this 'duty to stay alive' - my mum is certainly the main one, for despite all the conflicts with her I know I am her main anchor as much as she is... one of mine. And there are some - a few - others that I feel this obligation to. That sparks my will to live always, even in those very dark moments when nothing else does. And on average, of course, I do still feel I have quite a few 'other' reasons to live as well.
Yeah so mood swings was what this started with. Mon and Tom have left me so I have reason to be sad - and I am. But not all the time. I can be very hyper when the circumstances are right... then suddenly look at a picture and start crying and feel - dare I say it? - oh so lonely (mainly abandoned). And needy and inadequate and depressed and annoying.
Yadda yadda but the next euphoric phase will come I am sure. And this moodswing phase will end too, no doubt. And then apparently I'll have a 3 month reprieve? Well hooray for October lol.
PS And can you believe I am back to reading Prozac Nation? That's where it all started...
That book sucks.
Posted by: squiZZ on Tue July 26, 2005 at 18:57I like it. And her. And the follow-up too.
Posted by: Clarissa on Tue July 26, 2005 at 22:56Ooo, a button would be nice. I want one too. lol
Where have Mon & Tom gone?
anyway. Sorry you feel so down at the moment, there's little consolation in the knowledge that it'll pass I guess.
Antidepressants?
Posted by: The BML on Wed July 27, 2005 at 16:10They have eloped to the Cayman Islands together. 
Mon Trysil (where else), Tom US East Coast.
Hmm @ antidepressants. I'm ok most of the time tho.
Thanks for hugs 
...that hug better work.
How about some antidepresspants? Cause I'm so tired thats what I thought BML wrote for a second...talk about a fashion statement!
Yes, once again Snow offers some useful insights...
Posted by: snow on Thu July 28, 2005 at 7:09
interesting concept...