I wish not to -be-

I don’t want to die because I am (no one asked me, heh), and deciding to cease being now would hurt people, and be inconvenient, and it would be an active decision that requires effort. But if I had the choice now, I’d rather not have been to start with.

Or if I have to “be”, then not the way I am – unable to deal with what life throws at me – all those inevitable blows that other people seem to be able to “learn from and move on” when to me (almost 30 years old) they just serve as another example of how I cannot cope with the simplest things as soon as emotions are involved.

And right now I soooooo want to shut down, hide away, call in sick at work and not speak to anyone for days. But I know work is the only sane constant left in my life at the moment. And being stuck with my own thoughts would just make things so much worse anyway.

So I will keep going. But I’m so frustrated I’m back in this place.