- November 2002 -

:: 30Nov02 22:45 :: AH YES :: First off, squiZZle did ownage pics for me, they be cool so you must visit Slaves page. Looks scared again, right? :D Always looks scared on pics, but doesn't like it when I point it out. :P I've realised I still haven't fixed the Tests page... ok, now I have. Temporarily. Must also put the Favourites back online. Anyway. Oh yes, I wanted to show you my cool blinking eye which I made as a new EZboard icon just now... click here. And I've gotta moan about my darn keyboard with the space bar that regularly refuses to react. And the fact that you can't seem to buy ANY British keyboards in this country. French, German, Swiss, Belgian. Great. *grrrrr* Good chocolates, bad keyboards.

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:: 30Nov02 15:45 :: TIME CAPSULE :: Guess what, I've managed to solve my two main IE6 problems, 1st that it wouldn't let me view the HTML source codes anymore and 2ndly that it would save all images as untitled.bmp. All you have to do is delete your temp. internet files (and set the cache to a smaller size to avoid it happening again). I've also bought myself a new car stereo which plays mp3s & CD-RWs, hopefully I'll have it installed on Monday. My old one is SO annoying, it keeps skipping ALL the freaking time.

      Um yeah, time capsules. I came across one online the other day, a photo of a real one I mean. Eeenyway, I've decided to make a photographic one with uni stuff, to remind me of my student years, and put it online of course. Hopefully I'll get it done tonight or sth. Hum, I'm meant to go to a Xmas fair type thing with my friend soon, I hope she won't take too long or we won't have enough time before it closes. *g* Shite weather btw.

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:: 28Nov02 23:45 :: MJ FANS & SECTS :: There's something that I've been wanting to write about for a while now, namely the situation of MJ fans and how they are treated (and consquently behave) in a way similar to members of a sect. I don'tmean this in a "crazy nutters" way. Let me explain.

      Michael Jackson is widely considered a freak, weird, condemnable and incomprehensible, and generally a liar too ("no way has he got a skin disease, he wants to be white", and so on). This makes true MJ fans a minority continually forced to justify and explain 1. their fanship and 2. their idol's behaviour. 'How can you like him, how could he do this-and-that, he's ugly, he wants to be white, the kids aren't his, he wears that mask because he's afraid of germs', and so on. Every fan has been through this, and the majority of them then start defending him. Most of the time they are not believed though, and their arguments are brushed off saying that they are blinded by their love and believe his deceits.

      Delusional. That's the word that fits best. We are described as being delusional. This is increased by the fact that many fans seem to accept everything he does and never criticize him. But fact is, many of us do see him critically, and discuss his mistakes among us (just visit MJ discussion boards!). But (and this is the sect parallel) because we know most people only ever attack him, and we don't want to give them anything to fuel their despise or hatred for him, we have taken to actually defending his actions against others even when we personally disagree with whatever he's done. And if we try to make them see that they are being influenced by the media who are 'out to get him', they will only see their point proven that we are totally out of touch with reality and see conspiracies everywhere.

      So we are basically driven into a corner and will automatically get our claws out because we know the world is only interested in ridiculing him and hating on him. And because of that position, and our seemingly unqestioning loyalty to him, we are labelled delusional, not taken seriously and hence isolated even more. Do you see what I mean? It's a viscious circle - those who want to make us "see" our delusion only drive us further into the "unquestioning loyalty" corner. "But he is completely weird, you need to stop admiring him" - "you don't get it, you hate because you don't understand" - "your are out of your mind" and so on.

     The difference of course is that true sects are dangerous and often use this mechanism to bind their victims to them, whereas in this case it's just an unfortunate "side-effect" of the public's opinion of MJ. I have tried to find another artist who produces the same kind of controversy and so far I have not found anyone. I believe MJ is the only one to have this effect . Correct me if I'm wrong.

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:: 27Nov02 21:45 :: BLISSFUL LAZINESS :: Yeah today was one of those days. I spent all morning in bed reading The Vampire Armand (then switching to Blood & Gold to get Marius' point of view of the events, then back to Armand). I'm slightly Akasha obsessed again now. I went rollerblading late last night though, the long way to the Crematorium and back, twice in fact. It was quite amusing cuz the second time round it was misty and the streets had started to become slightly icy. I was home at 1.30am, my mum would freak if she knew, but she doesn't. So I kinda deserved a lazy morning in bed. I have a sore back now (my legs are ok tho, apart from that bruise on my knee. HUGE bruise and no you're not getting pictures).

     Didn't get any work done tho. Should do that now. Could do tomorrow before class I suppose. Did I tell you I bought deodorant for my guinea-pigs? It's that dirty bum & long hair problem you know, I've mentioned it before. Plus it's supposed to make their fur shiny if used regularly. Anyway, it kinda smells of some loo disinfectant, or some other bathroom cleaning stuff. Very nice. *lol* OK maybe I'll prepare some stuff for tomorrow now.

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:: 26Nov02 18:45 :: REFLECTIONS :: No more excuses for not updating as my exams are all over now. Hum, how did it go you ask? Ugh I dunno, and anyway I'm not very good at judging myself. I could've been luckier with the texts I chose, I ended up doing a John Betjeman poem. Weird that, I was so adverse to poems, but it's actually so much easier to bullshit about poems than about prose texts. I'm good at bullshitting - but then bullshitting is not always what is required from you. So that's my main worry at the moment. Must stop freaking myself out over this.

     I'm actually in a fairly good mood at the moment (wonder how long it will last. I am SO waiting for my mum to appear any moment and scream at me because of the loud music). Vega has updated my site - LOL what am I saying, I mean HER site (God I'm so self-centred). The new sections are cool, esp. the photos, and her guinea pig is the cutest thing (well apart from my own of course), and I feel very honoured to be mentioned. Vega rules :) So does Sara, but she's not updating at the moment (*hint hint*).

     OK and my biggest declaration of love goes out to Me BML. She is most wonderful. Sorry for going on about this again and again. Me loves Me BML sooooooooo much!!!! Another one of my obsessions... :)

     Oh yeah, I've been reviewed at DreamReviews. Being reviewed is always an interesting experience, and what Holly said about me is largely true. (yes, read it!) I have a lot of obsessions... with MJ being the main one. I got thinking about the fate of my diary the other day - either I'll try to be more popular (more mainstream?) and promote my diary more, or I settle for being read among a certain group of people (people who know me and/or are MJ fans). Much as I like attention, I think I'll go for the 2nd option. That's what I feel more comfortable with, even it means being frowned at.

     Speaking of attention, I got an e-mail today informing me that My-god.co.uk has been designated a Cool Site at DMOZ - stuff like that still gives me a kick. Childish I know.

      Oh and before we part, I've had some suggestions as to the improvement of this site (quiet squiZZ, them pages work FINE!) - concerning the 3 pictures at the top. Tobias thinks I should link them to MJ, pigs, diary respectively (according to their pics), while Holly from DreamReviews thinks I should go for Diary, Guestbook and Archives... hum yeah, what do you think, dear Reader? *g* Please do let me know.

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:: 25Nov02 22:45 :: WAAAAAH!!! :: Did I mention I have an exam tomorrow? Well I have, and I have done diddly squat for it so far (well ok, read about 5 pages). It's only at 2.30 tho so I have most of tomorrow morning to study for it and stuff... I keep telling myself that will be enough. I slept until 3.00 today (well, I did get up for work, but then when straight back to bed. Oh sweet debauchery!). Yeah, so tomorrow is my final exam. Not important.

     After that is over, I will have about a month to relax (I'm not saying I did an awful lot of work for these exams, but I kept stressing myself out over them anyway). Yeah, so I'll have a month with less work and then (provided I pass the exams - I mean who knows?!), the real work will commence. On top of the teaching, there will be all the learning... paedagogics, psychology, all that stuff. Is supposed to be hugely exciting (not!).

     I was looking thru old school stuff the other day and giggled at all the little people and horses I would draw into my books... and I drew pages of cartoons (some quite funny ones about our teachers). At uni I simply wouldn't go to the classes that didn't interest me so my creative output decreased... but I can see a certain potential for creativity ahead of me. Must see the good side in everything, remember? (speaking of which, I haven't written in my positivity book in ages!!)

     Um yeah. All of this of course only applies if I pass my exams and don't end up as one of the last 3. So I guess I should sign off and get my books out. *yay*

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:: 24Nov02 21:45 :: DONEY-DIDDLY-DOO :: Yep that's it, it's all sorted, even Netscape can display my site now. Fabulous. Wish I'd done some serious work instead tho... shitty day... anyway, time for bed. I'm safe in bed.

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:: 24Nov02 18:35 :: SO THERE :: See what I've wasted my day on? That's right, a completely new layout. It's totally unlike anything I've ever done before & it took a lot of work cuz I couldn't just change the frameset and the .css this time. *g* Not sure how much I like it... I mean I do like the look but it uses SSI so I can't just preview it offline... unless I use Dreamweaver. Yes, I got some help from an HTML Editor, that's the first time in something like 4 years! OK now I need to clean out my guinea pigs. I wonder if me BML will come online tonight. Bet not tho. BTW, feel free to give me some feedback ;)

     Waaaaaaah I've just checked my site with Mozilla and it looks awful!!! *ugh* No way am I gonna try to find the problem tho, I have other stuff to do. Netscape and Mozilla users will have to do some horizontal scrolling in the meantime. Anyone with advice please don't hold back. *g*

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:: 23Nov02 23:20 :: UPDATE ME! :: shouts my diary. Awright, awright. Was thinking about a redesign again, no result so far tho. Currently downloading dreamweaver as I got tired of counting <tr> and <td> tags. I did a cool test tho and thought I'd share the result with you...

I am an
I like to take an analytical and objective approach to the subjects I write about. By telling the hard truth without any frills I make lots of enemies as well as lots of friends.
Sorta fits. I was just thinking the other day about how I don't write highly poetical or deeply metaphorical diary entries or anything. *g* Just plain old boring information. OK, now lemme check how that download is coming along...

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:: 22Nov02 0:25 :: ALL'S WELL... :: Bambi was good. Bambi was great. Bambi was so moving it made me cry. It was a good ending to a pretty awful week, MJ-wise. It's like all this tension came off... I feel better now, and it all seems less bleak. I am not so much thinking of the horrible things anymore. Thanks for your magic Michael :) And I've recorded it so I can watch it over and over again. BTW, MJ with glasses is the cutest thing!!! :D

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:: 21Nov02 17:15 :: NEWS :: What do you want first? OK, the bad news is I didn't do too well in my exam. I found it freaking hard & comparing with others found that I got quite a bit of it wrong. The good thing within the bad news is that I was not the only one to find it difficult.

      More bad news is that the media (and the public) still haven't gotten over the "baby dangling" incident and I'm still letting this get to me. Oh, and then there's the fact that Michael Jackson is in Berlin and I am here. Not good.

     OK, time for the good news: I've been paid. Not much per month at all, but I got 2 1/2 months in one go plus the "13th month" so all in all it's a nice little sum. Now for ways to spend it... *g*

     OK, some more good news? No more good news, only that I've decided to redesign my site yet again. Probably (I make no promises). No more work today. :)

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:: 20Nov02 23:45 :: MJ 'BABY DANGLING' RANT :: OK the MJ boards have been full of it. The press has been full of it. And guess what, during my 'random blog visits' tonight I have come across 3 different blogs that mentioned it (all from a "OMG what a wacko" perspective of course).

     What on earth is the matter with the world to get SO preoccupied with this?! I mean WHO FUCKING CARES?!?!?! SUCH hypocrisy it makes me wanna throw up the dinner I didn't have! OK so yes, MJ has made a stupid mistake and held his kid off a balcony at a dangerous height. Fine, shake your heads at him if you wish, but why-oh-why does every freakin' paper, TV show, blog (incl. comments), messageboard and whatnot spend so much time getting their panties up in a bunch over the issue!?!?

     So the gutter press makes a big deal out of it, of course, they always do. What happens? Every idiot on the planet thinks they need to open their stupid mouth and cry outrage! It's like bloody Pavlov's reflex. Mention Michael Jackson, everyone starts accusing. GEEZ people do you have NOTHING else to worry about?! Look around you you motherfuckers, what do you see?! Terrified children who see their parents beating each other up, children being abused by family members, friends, priests or strangers, children beaten up by alcoholic or choleric fathers, children neglected, starving, with no education, children working at the age of 8, children abducted, raped, tortured, killed. EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!!

     So Michael Jackson did something silly in the spur of the moment. He didn't deliberately hurt the child, he didn't even undeliberately hurt the child, the boy is ok, WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL!??!?! Don't you have anything else to do in your sad little lives than condemn celebrities for their mistakes? Do you NEVER make mistakes? Imagine every one of your imperfect moves being scrutinized by the rest of the world, by scores of pathetic hobby-judges and psychologists! Oh no, YOU're flawless of course!

     Fuckin' hell, I could keep ranting about this for the rest of the night, but I must get some sleep cuz I have an important exam tomorrow.

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:: 20Nov02 16:30 :: LOO BOOKS :: If you've read my 100 unknown things (which are really only 20 things at the moment), you'll know that I always need something to read when I'm on the toilet. I know a lot of people do that - I myself have inherited the habit from my father. He used to have a basket full of random politcs & science magazines next to the toilet (I say used to because I haven't seen his toilet in 8 or so years. I assume it hasn't changed tho). I myself tend to go for little books of quotes, short stories, cartoons or columns. But I would never buy a book just for loo-reading - they're all books I've read before. I mean, whenever I buy a new book I want to read it more or less quickly, and I don't spend enough time on the john to satisfy that urge. So usually they're books I'm reading for the 3rd, 4th, 5th time, and as I have a short memory span I am able to enjoy them again and again because I'll forget what I've read after 2 or 3 weeks.

     I remember as a child I used to read comic books and I'd spend hours on there cuz I'd want to read the story til the end. I don't do that anymore. Somehow the appeal of sitting on the toilet has decreased with the years. There are more comfortable positions & seating opportunities. But I still find the speed at which I finish a book quite incredible. Usually it only takes me a few days (granted, they tend to be thin books), and I often run out of loo reading material. I think I need a television in my bathroom. Oooh, imagine the hours of endless fun! Maybe I should get an upholstered toilet seat?! :)

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:: 19Nov02 20:30 :: YES :: Sometimes I can even laugh at myself, frantically switching between UK & Lux SIM card, refreshing the MJ boards and zapping between TV channels, all the while pitying myself and conversing with others who are pitying themselves... and pitying me while I pity them. Yes, it makes me chuckle at times. It's comical and sort of ridiculous. But I can't help it, it's depressing all the same. And yes I can be mature and factual and grown up too! Just not, um, all the time, and about everything. Live with it.

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:: 19Nov02 19:15 :: BTW :: feeling slightly better now and just thought I'd point out that I have put a page with 3 Multiplicity pics online... for those who don't bother to check the Updates list on the main page. Oh, and there are two small films on the Pigs page too. There.

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:: 19Nov02 18:00 :: DREAMS AND REALITY :: You have no idea what crap mood we're all in. We being the stay-at-home MJ fans. So Michael Jackson is in Berlin and I am at home. I am getting regular updates about what he's been up to, what's happening next and so on, plus pictures of him at airport, him at hotel, him at window and so on... and if feels sooo wrong!!! I am supposed to be there with him and the other fans - that's the natural state of things in my warped little world, and this just feels horrible. I know that's sorta pathetic, and that my therapist would say I live in a dream world and that I should try to find something else to get a kick out of... but this is my reality at the moment, and I can't change it.

     It's weird cuz I know it can't go on like that... my job (which is tied to fixed school holidays) doesn't allow for sudden "must follow MJ" days off... so either I stop the MJ obsession or I get another job. And it's something I am seriously considering. Which is silly. This job is for life, it's safe, it pays well, it's what I've been working towards (tho always half-heartedly)... and the MJ obsession is (objectively seen) something, well... let's say unserious and, um, less important. But to me it is everything at the moment! When my dad died in June, the MJ week-end after that helped SO much. Yes it was an escape, it made me forget the depressing stuff cuz it filled my days with excitement, but it was so great, just what I needed. Ever since then I've constantly been more or less depressed. So this Berlin thing is like a missed opportunity to crawl out of that depression again. Of course I know the "MJ excitement" can't be a constant state of mind, that the exceptionality of it makes it so interesting in the first place, and that I can't build my life on this. But knowing doesn't help.

      And I feel like we're all in a sort of limbo, those of us who aren't going. We're all in different parts of the world, all sad about not being there, eagerly waiting for Berlin news and yet dying of jealousy whenever we DO hear something. It's just WRONG, it's supposed to be ME texting others and posting on messageboards from Internet Cafes! Weird how you get sucked up into such a community so quickly and it takes over your life... if you let it. I mean I have been this wrapped up in it before and then grown more distant again, and I guess it will happen again with time. Is it really a substitute? Does that mean it's bad? That I will have to discover the thing I am trying to replace? And will that make me happier? What if I'm happy with this? Except I'm not cuz it doesn't comply with my job. Oh wtf. Today is a bad day for such thoughts. The glass is half empty anyway. And I bet I'll knock it over and spill the rest.

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:: 18Nov02 20:00 :: NOT AGAIN :: God I'm so bored. You know, this is really awful, I never seem to be able to do my work until the very last minute, but because I feel I should be working I don't really wanna do anything else either. Anything really time-consuming. So I'm sat here at home, watching telly or surfing or posting on messageboards or doing little updates on the site or reading... but never doing anything very productive. Just wasting time. That's got to be one of my worst character traits. All of this being part of my laziness some way or other.

      I don't know what else to do tho anyway... and I don't know how to change either. I mean I do things eventually... but I have to wait until it's almost too late. I know a lot of people procrastinate, and I know that whenever I complain about this nearly everyone goes "oh god yeah me TOO!", but it's bugging me a lot at times. I could've got so much higher, achieved so much more if it wasn't for this. And my mediocrity is really starting to annoy me. It's so frustrating, you know, I just wish I was special sometimes. And really good at something. Not just "kinda good" or "quite good". Hidden talents, come out!! But I guess I'd have to work on them if there were any, and that is prevented by... here we go again. So there's no way out really is there?! Maybe a good kick in the butt? Any volunteers? Ouch! Nope, no use. :(

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:: 18Nov02 13:40 :: LMAOOOO :: OMG this is funny!!! It's from Private Eye's 'Dumb Britain', where they print the dumbest (wrong!) answers from TV Quiz shows each week.

      The Weakest Link, BBC2

Host: What A is a small dead-end tube in the digestive system with no known function?

Contestant: Arse.

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:: 17Nov02 23:10 :: HIATUS UPDATE :: That's quite funny, right after I rant about never updated review sites, I come across Rusty Bucket Reviews where the webmistress (you've gotta love that word) complains about the same thing. Cute site btw, go visit, there are some more funny rants & other extras. It's not just "your usual review" page :)

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:: 17Nov02 18:10 :: PERSONAL WEBSITES :: OK I have to write about personal webpages again and them little "trends" and "fashions" and stuff. See, I find it quite funny, how it evolved. I mean these (mostly!) female websites have been mushrooming like mad for, I dunno, a year or two. They're all over the place, and altho these are all individuals, many with special experiences or problems, often I feel like they're all the same. They follow the same rules, belong to the same (or similar) cliques, offer the same pages (cast, profile, pics and whatnot), and most important of all they all follow the same trends (I've ranted about this before).

     Crosshair cursors, Clix lists, adoption pets, grungey or highly ornamented Photoshop brushes, tagboards, affiliates, cliques and so on. Sometimes I feel like I'm in high school (and not as a teacher!) - you have to follow the crowd - and hey, if you're cool enough maybe you'll end up in an elite clique or listing! *lol* I'm not saying there's nothing else around, of course not, there's the special people, the geeks, freaks and intellectuals or whatever - just like in high school! *g*

     Oh and something else I find annoying is how quickly these sites often disappear... or move, or change domain names, or stop being updated... Hiatus is probably the word I've read most often lately. Oh, and that applies particularly to Review sites!! Some 70% or so of review sites are "on hiatus" (or simply aren't updated anymore). OK, so it's a lot of work, but those people should think of that before they start it! *pfft*

     Um anyway, enough ranting for today. Maybe I should do some work. And eat some chocolate. A substitute for sex as we all know. *lmao* What isn't, thanks to good old Freud...

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:: 17Nov02 12:45 :: WHOOPEEEEEE!!! :: Two T-shirts done. You can check them out on the brand new T-shirts page, which is now part of the Gallery, that well known section of Clarissaweb. Um anyway. BTW I've noticed that lots of people link to Myowndamn.biz instead of Clarissaweb.co.uk. It's kind of annoying, cuz what's the use of my wonderful Clarissaweb domain if nobody uses it? It's all my counter's fault. Might get rid of it. OK, time for lunch my lovelies! :)

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:: 16Nov02 23:30 :: KNOWLEDGE & EDUCATION :: Today was a good day. A day to start my Positivity Diary (lol). I have done all the stuff I meant to do and e-mailed some extra people as well. That's satisfactory. I will go to bed with a sense of achievement. I only wish the weather was better.

      I also wish my knowledge was less fragmentary. I admire people who know a lot of stuff. I mean I do know quite a bit of stuff, probably more than the average person my age, but I wish I knew more. It has also made me think about the education I've received. I read a text about education with my class on Friday and tried to convey to them the importance of "general knowledge", of having an idea about your history, your culture, your society. And how it can help you understand the present. I know I didn't use to think like that, and just like them I used to hate all of those subjects at school. And it would be hypocritical to say I'd pay more attention if I were to go through secondary school again. I would still find it dull, mainly because it is forced upon you. It is a pretty big problem. It seems nearly impossible to motivate kids at school. Education is perceived as something boring, useless in practice ("when will we ever need this in life?") and annoying (I know partly it is, but that's beside the point). There is no will to learn, and I know what I'm talking about cuz I was one of the worst out there. The notion of education as a privilege is alien to most Western kids, simply because we're too well off. We don't see what it gives us, what an advantage it is in life. Not until it's too late anyway.

     Well, I guess it's never too late to learn, but there comes a time when you have so much on your mind, or so much to do that you simply don't have the time to read big books about history or philosophy or whatever. Not to mention the ever decreasing capacities of your ageing brain. *sigh*

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:: 16Nov02 18:00 :: MULTIPLICITY :: OK so this wasn't on the list, but I had to try it anyway. I've stolen the idea from EmotionEric (very funny site btw, so check it out!). It's really quite simple to do and sorta fun... er anyway, it's a pic and you must click here to see it! It was fun to do, so I might do a series in different locations & give it its own page. Tell me what you think :P

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:: 16Nov02 12:50 :: T-SHIRTS :: yeah so I'm still stuck online instead of doing stuff, but I thought I'd explain the T-shirt stuff for those who don't read Cartman's Corner. You remember the Raven shirt perhaps. I meant to do more shirts after that but never had any inspiration... until I decided to do some with funny quotes. Check here for a whole list of them. I've finally decided to go for three of them... you'll see which ones in the end.

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:: 16Nov02 12:30 :: DOING STUFF :: I have to do all sorts of stuff, so it is time for a To Do list... and here it is:

  • tidy room (phew!!!)
  • make at least one t-shirt
  • study a little
  • e-mail: Hobbit, me BML, xxx, Natali, Clay.
  • vacuum pig poo
OK that's it. *sigh* I will cross things out as I finish them. *heehee* Sorry for abusing my diary for this irrelevant stuff, but it gives me the impression that someone is watching over me and will tell me off if I don't do it. So go ahead, shout at me in the Comments if nothing is crossed out by 14.00CET. :P

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:: 14Nov02 22:15 :: MOBY SITE :: Hey Moby just won the MTV Web Award for Moby.com so go and visit this award winning site now!

:: 14Nov02 22:00 :: MOBY QUOTE :: american foreign policy is so utterly fucked up that it's actually kind of mind boggling. supporting despots just because they support our prurient and short-sighted interests? (Source) So true. Oh so true.

     I'm sorta watching the MTV VMAs, but sorta not, cuz I'm online doing other stuff at the same time. I think I will go to bed, gotta be up at 7.00am tomorrow (ugh). Will read a little maybe. Good night.

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:: 14Nov02 20:00 :: YAWN & SIGH :: I should be updating more often, uh? And have longer entries or something. I dunno, I'm just not feeling very inspired about this at the moment. I think I've got the beginning of a cold too. Nice prospect. I washed my guinea pig today cuz she was smelling. She wasn't very impressed, I don't think I'll do it again that soon. Thing is tho, with the long hair around the bum... hm yeah I'll spare you the details, I'm sure you know what I mean.

     Things aren't too great at the moment, that story at school is still bugging me. Basically this one teacher guy doesn't like me and goes around saying I'm incapable and lazy. He goes around bitching all the fucking time (about anyone, not just me). I would assume most people know what a two-faced bastard he is and won't believe him, but you never know. Then these two little cows I was giving private lessons to went to him and said the wanted someone else, for whatever goddamn reason (to me they said my course was 'vague', whatever that means, and to him they said I hadn't prepared anything, which was a freakin' lie, I had photocopied material and exercises and all!), anyway, of course that only 'proved' his point that I was crap, which he seemed to believe anyway (even the two bitches said that he seemed to have his preconceived opinion of me). So he offers the bitches to someone else, but never even fucking bothers to tell me that!!! If my friend hadn't told me, I would never have known! So I had a go at him for that, but apart from that he was all nice and sweet to me and didn't tell me any of the stuff he'd told my friend, so I couldn't justify myself really, or get angry with him, without betraying my friend.

     Yeah so that's what's been mostly pissing me off. I have been thinking about nothing else for the past 2 days. Great mood boost! Bought my "positivity diary" today tho, I've decided to do it on paper and NOT online for once... dunno if I'll find anything to write in it. I had a nice bath tho with aromatic salts which are supposed to give me 'inner peace and harmony' or sth like that. Me and my mum are kinda getting on each other's nerves too, and fighting a lot. Maybe I should move out. Maybe we should just end that stupid "shared dinner" ritual. Dunno.

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:: 13Nov02 14:00 :: YAAAAWN :: I've started thinking about a new layout, but after spending 1/2 hour looking around other websites for inspiration, I got bored and gave up. *g* I think I'll go shopping instead, maybe I'll find some inspiration there. My mum got my first DSL phone bill and freaked out, tho I had told her how much it was gonna be when I subscribed. Now she says I have to pay for it myself, which is fair enough, except I don't have any money. I mean I do, but not for that kinda stuff. *g*

      The weather is as awful as ever. This must be the worst autum we've had in years. Rain rain rain, nothing but rain. My psychologist (actually I prefer the term "therapist") says I should start a "positivity diary" to write down whatever good stuff happened to me each day, and that that might encourage me to do myself more good stuff. Thing is I'm just too darn lazy to do even that. I wish I had ideas for something creative to do, something that would satisfy me, but there's nothing. Or if I have an idea it's too hard to put into practice. Or by the time I get round to it I don't like it anymore. It's so frustrating.

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:: 12Nov02 22:00 :: MOBY SIGN & PIGS... :: Yeah so I was just gonna have a go at y'all for not telling me that Kal's Moby pic didn't show up, but then I found out me BML did tell me but I never saw it. I've fixed it now so you all have to visit it again... here. Other than that, not much to report. Went for a walk with my mum, went to see my psychologist again, heard that someone was bitching behind my back at school (the bastard, he'll pay), oh and I took some cute pics of my pigs which I will share with you now. Check the two-headed monster, top right! :D

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:: 11Nov02 23:00 :: SO WHAT'S IT THIS TIME? :: Not sure. Been shopping and got myself a fab new jacket. Basically the same I've had before, which was this jacket I inherited from my mum and it has been falling apart for years now, but I never managed to find another one like it and I loved it SO much. Anyway, today I have found, so I am happy. And it was dead cheap too. Um, I also got myself Moby's DVD, and boring stuff like hairspray. Oh, and modelling clay. *ggg* Childish I know but it was dead cheap and SO nice and colourful. Might try to be creative with it. Might not. *yawn* Oh btw, the heating's working again. Night!

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:: 10Nov02 23:30 :: VIDEO UPDATE :: It's time for a video update again. Don't expect to much tho. *g* CLICK HERE to view. Thanks.

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:: 10Nov02 2:00 :: MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT :: Staying up so late is bad, mmkay? Especially when you have to get up at 8.00 on Monday mornings... need to get back on schedule. Anyway, I've been fairly productive today, tho not as much as I would've liked. I didn't update the Pics of Places site like I'd planned, and I didn't get any e-mails or letters written. But I did a bit of updating around this site, and I made this silly Test which y'all have to take and tell me what you got (that's what the comments feature is for ok?).

      My digicam makes very worrying noises... you know, like computers in them cheap sci-fi movies... a faint beeping and screeching. You can barely hear it, but it didn't use to be there and it scares me. Plus it has now started whirring quite loudly when setting its focus (is that what you call it?). It's all not very reassuring, guess I should take it to the shop as the warranty will run out in December.

      I hear MJ may turn up in Berlin for the Bambi Awards... I bet he will cancel. I hope he will cuz I can't go unless I take time off work - which means being ill cuz I can't just take a day off as a teacher. That's what sucks about the teaching thing - that you're bound to their holiday schedules. It's especially bad if you're as dependent on a whimsical superstar as I am. Anyway, I will be off to bed now. Still reading David Lodge, it's not as good as the other ones though.

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:: 09Nov02 10:50 :: MOBY - THE DAY AFTER (lol) :: I'm feeling a bit weird right now - all wobbly and a little dizzy. Maybe food will help. Anyway, Moby was freaking awesome. I met up with a girl from school & her friend who had tickets, but they stayed at the back and I obviously had to work my way thru to the front (I need the manic atmosphere of the front rows at a concert - the jumping around and clapping and occasional screaming, and the heat and the excitement and the friction... ok enough *lol*). I ended up in row 5 or 6... it wasn't very crammed but I didn't dare to push past more people cuz I know how much it irritates me when other people do it.

      Then as soon as Moby came on this guy started pogo-ing around and he literally pushed me forward (ok ok I helped a little), so I had the perfect excuse to get up to row 3-ish. *g* It was mad, I mean the atmosphere (apart from that annoying blonde bitch in front of me who kept trying to draw attention to herself by screaming at the most inappropriate moments, and her moron of a boyfriend clinging to her while she was drooling over Moby.) Er anyway, I had a fantastic time. Lots of dancing & jumping around involved. Moby's soooo cool and sweet and cuddly and stuff. *g* The music is a lot of fun live, too :)

      I didn't wait around after the concert cuz I was tired and thirsty and the weather was awful. Got myself a T-shirt tho :) Oh oh and I've gotta show you the cuuuuuuute sign Kal made - click here - see the original here! Sweet no? :P (COP = Citizen of Pop = me btw). OK now Imma be off and be creative. I feel like doing something. Finally. I hope I won't get side-tracked again.

      PS. Vega update your diary dammit!

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:: 08Nov02 12:40 :: MOOOOOOBYYYYYYYYY :: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I've won a ticket for Moby's concert tonight!!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG (etc ad lib.)... That's soooo fucking awesome!!!!!! You know I never have any luck, right? Well if you don't I'm telling you now. So I never thought I'd win (tho I entered twice)... but I DID! That probably means that we are meant to be, him and me. Or sth. OK it's just too cool. Please excuse me while I scream a little. :D

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:: 07Nov02 17:40 :: RUDOLF AUGSTEIN :: is dead. He was chief editor and then publisher of German magazine Der Spiegel and played a very important role in the German press. I more or less grew up with that man and this has come as somewhat of a shock, esp. as it was quite unexpected. I know it won't mean much to most of you, but I wanted to mention it.

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:: 05Nov02 22:00 :: EXAM'S OVER :: Yeah so the first bit is done. I have no idea how it went. We were all majorly stressed and panicked and freaked out, but in the end none of us collapsed or had a nervous breakdown or anything. The weird thing is, we're all enemies in a way because there's 14 of us and they're only gonna take 8 of us... so you kinda don't want the others to succeed, you know? The topics were quite easy and I chose one I know quite a lot about (there were two to choose from):

Is literature for you a detailed analysis of 'the
words on the page' and/or 'a text in context'?
Only problem is, they wanted us to develop our own ideas and I don't really have own ideas about that... I mean I can agree with such-and-such's ideas, but that's about it. Then again it's pretty stupid cuz there is nothing new to be said about a topic like that.

      So we'll see how it went. The next part is on Thursday, that's translation so there is nothing I could study for that. Then the last two parts are in a fortnight, provided I passed these. Just so you can get ready for another bit of grumpiness, stressedness and updatelessness. And now I will be off to bed with a good book. A book I enjoy, not one I have to read. Yay. I'll see if I feel inspired to do something creative tomorrow.

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::04Nov02 22:15 :: STRESS :: I apologize for the lack of updates, I am seriously stressed because of the exam tomorrow. I'll write again tomorrow night or Wednesday at the latest.

::03 Nov02 14:00 :: MOBY *SIGH* :: So now I find out that Moby will be playing in Luxembourg on Friday. Why did no one tell me? Why didn't I check his site way in advance? Why am I such a stupid, dizzy cow?!?!?! Obviously the tickets are sold out now... well online they are. I might have a quick look around town tomorrow. LOL oh God I'm so stupid. *sigh* Guess I could wait outside and do the groupie thing instead. LOL. *sigh* God I'm so stupid I could KICK myself!!!!!! Aaaargh! *sob*

:: 02Nov02 21:20 :: THE BANANA :: As a tribute to the great German band Die Ärzte, I will now share with you a suggestive animation I made 2 years ago, in a fit of... dunno. Some sort of fit. As usual, it is available in DivX (66kb) and RealVideo (47kb). *g* The DivX one is clearer btw (for some strange reason). Originally it was a .gif, so watch it on repeat to get the most out of it. *g* Explaining the Ärzte link is too much to ask for. Anyway, they are great geniuses. *g*

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:: 01Nov02 23:50 :: RANT ABOUT HALLOWEEN... AND MY HOME COUNTRY :: here we go again, another day another life. Or sth. I've finally corrected that school paper, still not done any studying tho. Well, there's more than three days left. *ahem* Halloween sucks btw. We had kids trick-or-treating at our door last night, and that's like, so not on cuz in this country we have a day in February called Liichtmeß (pronounce Leeshtmas) which is basically the same thing - kids begging for sweets (or preferably change) at your door, except at least they have to sing! So now we have it twice a year, wahey. You might remember that I'm not too fond of kids.

      I really don't like the way Europe blindly follows any trend imported from the States - centuries late, but still. Nothing against Halloween itself, I think it has a cool spirit, but I just don't like the unoriginality of it here, if you know what I mean. It is totally not rooted in our culture, and you could really follow the way it was forced upon us. Ugh.

     Well, All Hallows and All Saints, which is celebrated here, is a lot worse. Celebrating our dead you know, but not in a fun way, not even in a respectful way... all it is about is seeing and being seen. People congregate in the graveyards in their expensive garb, just to make sure everyone else sees their new mink coat... and the priest remembers how religious they all are, the little hypocrites. So typically provincial it makes you wanna puke. Luxembourg is very backwards in a way. In many ways. On the other hand that means it's very easy to shock people, and that can be a lot of fun sometimes ;)

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