D I A R Y
- October 2002 -

:: 31Oct02 23:30 :: CLARISSA :: Some of you may know that my online name comes from the Nickelodeon kiddie sitcom Clarissa Explains It All (starring the cool Melissa Joan Hart) which I used to watch religiously. Anyway, I've just found that the very first site I visited about the show is still online here, although it hasn't been updated since 1996. That's kinda cool. The other cool thing is that Clarissa is back on telly on German Channel SuperRTL (musta been for a while), only once a week but it's better than nothing. It's all sorta like going back to my roots.


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:: 31Oct02 19:30 :: YOU SEEN? :: New look. Guess it's hard to miss. Means I have done diddly squat for school again... damn, and I've just remembered the stupid paper I need to correct, too. I'm such a lazy cow. Gonna visit my horsey now and then do some work. No honest! *sigh* Hate work.


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:: 30Oct02 23:30 :: THE DEMEROL QUESTIONNAIRE :: Thought about copying it anyway, and now that both Grudge and Vega have done, I might as well...

Three people you think to be a genius:
1. Michael Jackson
2. W.A. Mozart
3. E.A. Poe

Three things that were invented and that you think to be cool:
1. language
2. computers
3. planes

Three things you played with most when you were a child:
1. barbies
2. Playmobil
3. legos

Three words you often use:
1. what? (luxbg equivalent)
2. LOL (online)
3. shit (hehe)

Three sounds you find disturbing:
1. chalk screaching on blackboard, or fork/knife on plate
2. daddy longlegs flying along wall/ceiling
3. certain types of music

Three hurting experiences:
1. stomach cramps during period
2. losing my dad
3. feeling betrayed by someone dear

Three things you'd never do:
1. smoke & take drugs
2. kill someone
3. believe in God

Three charities you'd donate to:
1. Amnesty Intl (Human Rights)
2. anything to help animals (except PeTA)
3. Humanitarian (homeless, 3rd world...)

Three things you'd forbid your kids to do:
1. don't
2. want
3. kids

Three things you wish you hadn't done:
1. done the MA I've done
2. let some 'friends' treat me like shit for years
3. not gone to Munich when MJ was there years ago

Three things you're thankful for:
1. friends
2. job/security
3. MJ

If you had the talent to, what would you do?
sing/play an instrument, draw/paint, write

Would you like to be of another race?
I wouldn't mind. I don't care.

Would you like to be of another religious group?
i don't wanna be part of ANY religious group (hehe, shamelessly copying from Sara here)

Would you like to be of the opposite sex?
No. Women are just cooler, and more beautiful too.

Somebody's diary you'd like to read:
Michael Jackson

Somebody you'd like to come to your funeral:
Don't care. Don't want a funeral.


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:: 30Oct02 19:30 :: NORMAL DIARY ENTRY :: Like, one with news and daily stuff, and not psycho stuff and MJ. Just an update on my life, whatever that is. Remember the Wyclef concert I was supposed to go to? He cancelled, the bastard. Was quite disappointed, but the good thing is, I can study instead. Have two exams next week... it's important shit I tell ya. Moby, lol, he has this competition where ppl can try to do a video for one of his songs off 18, and now I have this obsession that I wanna make a few. Even if I don't win, he selects them himself, so he goes thru all the stuff... he'd see what I have created! That'd be pretty awesome! Esp. since I couldn't go to see him because of my bloody job... nor Alicia... see why the Wyclef thing pisses me off so much?

     Yeah well, anyway. I have a few ideas for a video... but now that I'm listening to the album (no I didn't own it before!) I find that the songs don't really go with my ideas... I might get inspiration for new stuff. I've also had an idea for something MJ-related, something fun. My mum thinks I should create stuff, because it satisfies her when she has a result on her hands. She thought more of DIY stuff, but I could adapt it for my own purposes... and it would give me sth to do. And I love making little animated films. LOL I make no sense uh?

     I need to study more. Did I tell you I went roller-blading yesterday? Well proud of myself. Oh, and I saw The Cranberries live on telly earlier today; I'd love to see them in concert. I must go now, get ready to go out and then pick up my nan. Yayness. Bought two new garments today, black top and black trousers. LOL, need to nurture my reborn Gothic obsession. I'll get back to colourful one day.


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:: 30Oct02 11:30 :: COMMENTS :: Okay, bloody enetation is down again, which blocks my whole diary page, so I've removed the comments feature for now... I'll see if I can find an alternative somewhere. Something that doesn't involve php. *lol* Edit OK, I've found Haloscan and apparently it's more reliable. Definitely faster than Enetation right now.


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:: 29Oct02 23:30 :: ME, MY FRIENDS, MICHAEL JACKSON & THE NET :: Yeah so this morning I had an appointment with this psychologist person. She's quite nice. It's my call what I want to do about the problems I have, I have another appointment in a fortnight. Anyway, she hasn't really told me anything radically new about myself, but it does make a difference hearing it from someone other than your own confused self. I have an addictive personality (I knew that), the Internet thing is one of the symptoms (I'd feared she'd say that), what I look for in MJ is something I am lacking elsewhere (that was so predictable), and my equally unstable, depressed and often withdrawn friends are a bad influence at the present time (heard that one before).

     What she also said, and what kinda got me thinking, is that she doesn't agree I used to 'attract psychos' (as I used to call it myself, no offence to my psycho friends) because I was so stable and happy and a good listener who could handle other people moaning because I felt quite balanced myself. *g* Apparently I've been fucked up for a while, I just wouldn't recognise it. Maybe I have, I'm not sure. Um anyway. The thing about my bad-influence friends, so to speak... it's like she's asking me to leave everything I care about. All of a sudden, these people are not my friends, they're only people who drag me down when I need to find a new life. And I feel like, no, these are people that would be there for me no matter what, I can't just cut off all contact just because my life 'has to change'. The weird thing is, I know she's right, I've discussed this with some people, Michelle & me BML among others... but vaguely recognising it is so different from being asked to draw your conclusions from it.

     Yeah and then there's Michael. It was clear she'd jump on it, the obsessive behaviour, the fanaticism, and that she'd conclude that it's a substitute for something else. I was like "ok here we go with the 'you wouldn't need that kinda stuff if you had someone fucking your brains out every other day'". *lol* Um anyway, she also mentioned MJ as a bad role model... she sorta 'diagnosed' him with Borderline and the interesting part is, she sees his exaggerated plastic surgery as a highly cultivated form of self-mutilation. That's actually a fascinating approach I'd never really considered & it sorta makes sense to me. BTW I read this article about plastic surgery the other day (actually I only read the MJ part) & one of them docs said MJ was the perfect example of someone with dysmorphic self-perception (must look up exact term) & that he should never had anything done, but been treated psychologically instead. I totally agree with that. Conquie mentioned the influence his situation had on him back then too (being all over the press, living in the fish bowl etc).

     Would he have been a happy person if he'd worked in a factory? Who knows. Possibly happier one way, but more frustrated the other. Which brings us to one more question: do we accept his suffering for what it gives us, and what would we choose (for him!) if we had the choice?? Personally I don't know. I want him happy, that's for sure. But I also appreciate, love, need his talent & creation in my life... as do many others. Does that make it worth it? I suppose that's his decision, and I sort of guess he'd say it is (even assuming he could be guaranteed complete happiness as a factory worker, which of course is illusory). But I may be wrong, and anyway, it's none of my fucking business. *g* All I know for sure, which I've realised once again, is my love for him. Sorry guys, you can't change that, whatever your diagnosis of my love for him is ;)


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:: 29Oct02 09:30 :: CHEER UP VEGA :: Here's my complementary diary entry to Grudge's about Vega... Sara's right, there's probably something missing, but aren't we all looking for the missing parts. If depression takes over your life, try to get help is all I can say. Oh and Sara, yes I do know Vega's name thanks to Karin who brought me the Frida article about her... among other things. So if you want it to start stalking her, let me know *muah-ha-ha* (ok, kidding! We're all harmless. I see squiZZle stalks Grudge. I think I'll join that clique too, it's cool).


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:: 28Oct02 21:55 :: GUINEA PIGS II :: OK I've done it. Lucy has this insanely cute habit of jumping on my shoulder so I got my mum to film that. It's kinda dark, but the file's only 72kb (DivX) and it's the most adorable thing :D Download here. I'll put it on the pigs section soon.

:: 28Oct02 19:55 :: GUINEA PIGS :: And Vega beat me to it again - I was gonna do a video of my pigs too! Pfft. *g* Anyway, you MUST check out hers, it's soooooo freakin' cute!!! BTW, Guinea Pig fans must also check out this site for some seriously cute rodent audio, video and flash!!! :D I think I'll update my pigs pics page soon with some new cute ones. In the meantime, you can see Charlie on the Live page. :D


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:: 28Oct02 11:40 :: squiZZle-isms :: There, I couldn't resist. After spying on Grudge & finding out her full name (plus I know how it's pronounced now, yay! Now I can ask around for her. Tho I guess people in Lux wouldn't know her *g*), er anyway, now I had to try & unravel the mysteries of squiZZle's Googlisms... and I found out the following:

  • squi will soon get an e-mail from Proporta for using the registered name of their multi-player game for PalmOS for his domain (ok I don't know if they've registered it *lol*).
  • The seemingly nonsensical phrase ""squizzle is now back in Conker's Bad Fur Day" is in full: "And our favourite squizzle is now back in Conker's Bad Fur Day, as I'm sure you've noticed, leaving me with the thorny problem of whether to use green text or italics when talking about Twelve Tales. Bugger." and could be found on Rareware.com (could cuz it's gone, so we have to use Google's cached version). Still makes absolutely no sense, does it. LOL. OK, Conker's Bad Fur Day is a Nintendo game from the aforementioned Rare software developers. Um, yeah. :D
  • The Piggledy Squizzle Squirt is a charming creature that's sprung from the imagination of six 7yr-olds from Leicester. *lmao*
  • I've found a few old threads from some of the usual message boards, quite funny ones, one with an interesting list of Top5 bitches. *lol* And I've found out that squiZZle's very own site only turns up on page 6 of Google's search results. DO something about that, man! Get some proper meta tags! ;)

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:: 27Oct02 20:20 :: DEPRESSION :: Let's see if I can post a reply to Karin's diary entry before she gets home... or online... or to my site. I was reminded of Prozac Nation when I read it, Elizabeth Wurtzel said something very similar. Ah, here we have it, thank God for Google:
In a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression.I loved it because I thought it was all I had. I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I had such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was my agony. [...]
How can you hide from what never goes away.
Where on earth do I have to go to get away from me.

May I also quote Janet Jackson. (Special from The Velvet Rope)
you can't run away from your pain
Because wherever you run there you will be

     Karin warned me not to fall in love with my depression, and I said I wouldn't, that I was just too lazy to fight it. I mean, this is not my normal state of mind, this is not who I am, and I am hoping to get out of this with time and with help... and I do know that I want to get out of it cuz I don't like the way my life is right now. But it does take a lot of effort to fight it and I guess that capitulation seems more appealing at first sight, tho I know it is wrong.

     But if depression is part of your personality, if you don't see an alternative, what do you do? Do you just accept it or try to live with it (or fight it) the best you can, and that's it? Cuz there is nothing else? Which brings me back to Elizabeth Wurtzel:
I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it.
I think there's always hope to keep you going, for most people anyway. The urge to live is much stronger than you'd think - which is why most people don't jump off a bridge or cut their wrists. I mean, look at all the people who lead miserable lives! And they're not usually the depressed ones.

     Depression is a disease of the prosperous and the self-indulgent. What makes you depressed - what makes you "a depressed" - clinically depressed that is? It's not necessarily the circumstances. Granted, many families are fucked up these days. But many people deal with it. 200 years ago death was all around us, every 2nd kid died before the age of five (this is an estimate ok? The figures aren't far out tho). Ever heard of depression in the 18th century? Ever heard about the numerous cases of depression in third world countries? Exactly. It may sound cynical, but we simply have nothing else to worry about. That's not to say the depressed are all lazy slobs, just that in different circumstances they may well never have got around to getting depressed. In a way we could turn this around & say that we're simply not meant to be happy - either we're frustrated cuz we have nothing to eat and our children are dying, or we're depressed cuz we have too much time to think about our condition.

     Cats have it good. Or do they?


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:: 26Oct02 22:20 :: MICHAEL JACKSON :: The wonderful Vega (who has put her site back online!) has drawn my attention to Googlism which pulls out random "facts" about something or someone, based on the Google Search Engine. I ran "Michael Jackson" through their thingy, the result covered the whole spectrum of opinions about MJ. Here are a few samples:

  • michael jackson is the king of pop
  • michael jackson is as universally known as coca cola
  • michael jackson is black???
  • michael jackson is wrong
  • michael jackson is just a normal guy
  • michael jackson is a big freak
  • michael jackson is soooooooo sexy
  • michael jackson is undoubtedly one of the most talented artists to have walked this earth
  • michael jackson is a freak who abuses children
  • michael jackson is in legal combat mode again
  • michael jackson is a great performer & entertainer
God, I couldn't imagine my life without Michael Jackson, he is so important to me, and I owe him so much. It's weird, cuz I don't necessarily share his political beliefs like I share Moby's or Jacques Brel's (or many other people's), I don't believe in God like he does, unlike him I strongly dislike children, I am so different from him in many ways... but he's accompanied me for the past 14 years - very much so over the past 5 years. He is like family to me... the love I feel for him is indescribable. I don't agree with everything he does or says, but that doesn't matter because even if I doubt him sometimes, what binds me to him is stronger than that. It's a reassuring thing to know. And it's incredibly important to me.

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:: 26Oct02 14:20 :: WASTING MY TIME :: I wrote all my 'to do' stuff for today on little scraps of paper earlier. The plan was to pick them randomly and do them in that order. They were:

  • Tidy room
  • Organise school stuff
  • Write e-mails
  • Update diary
The first one I drew was the school stuff one, and then I thought nah, it WOULD be better to tidy the room first cuz then I'd have more room to spread out the stuff that needs organising. So I decided to do that first after all, as soon as I'd checked all important sites online.

     I spent another 3 hours on the computer (quite remarkable considering NO ONE is online and the boards are dead), watched another episode of Blackadder, then went downstairs for lunch. Now it's past 2 and I still haven't done any of the stuff on the list.

      It's not raining at the moment, which is a plus, but it's stormy and it will start raining again soon anyway. It rained all night and all morning. Yay. *sigh*

      Went out with the people from work last night tho (the young 'uns), they're all rather cute I must say. It's better to work with nice people than with arseholes. Oh, and we're on holiday now, did I tell you? It's not really a holiday tho cuz I have to start studying for my exams. In fact, I have to start and finish studying cuz the first one is on the 5th of November. Which is why I need to organise the school stuff... which is why I must tidy my room first. Which is what I am going to do right now. In theory.

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:: 25Oct02 11:20 :: FREAKIN HILARIOUS WEBSITE :: It doesn't happen often these days that I literally laugh out loud at a website, but AllTooFlat.com certainly worked for me. You must check out their pranks, especially the Lion and the Crossing Man. Veeery funny guys!!!!!! :D

:: 25Oct02 01:10 :: VIDEO ENTRY :: CLICK TO OPEN REAL PLAYER

I betcha no one will understand a word of what I said cuz I talk so fast. But there's no way I'm gonna do a transcript or something LOL. The whole point was NOT having to type :P It's a link now cuz the embedded player takes ages to load. Even longer than the Comments feature.

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:: 24Oct02 22:30 :: STATEMENT :: Moby just said live on MTV that George W. Bush is an insane fascist. How cool is this guy. *lol* I'll go & do shower pics now. And some more of my hair.


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:: 23Oct02 18:55 :: NEW HAIR :: Check out Live for pics. Mah baby Michelle did well on telly, she said :) Me proud of her! Must be off now.


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:: 23Oct02 0:30 :: REAL LIFE STUFF :: I watched Memento today, Tobias had sorta recommended it after what I wrote about Vanilla Sky. I kinda liked it. He's right, it leaves questions open at the end, but I guess you can fill in the answer whichever way it pleases you. It's definitely intriguing tho and FAR less disturbing than Vanilla Sky. Still on the movie topic, I am desperately looking for Caro Diario by Nanni Moretti, I want the original version subtitled, my Italian is just not good enough without it... no DVD so I guess I can forget about it. Anyway, beautiful film. What's waiting for me.... Cruel Intentions, Original Sin, Romeo Must Die, Minority Report... so many films, so little energy.

      Oh yeah, we had this meeting today about our English exams. The first one is on Nov 5th, exactly 2 weeks from now, sorta scary to think about it. I also have my French oral on Thursday, and my very first paper in class on the same day... so that's the sorta stuff that keeps me busy. Or ought to at any rate. I hate this weather btw. I hate hate hate the sound of the rain on my window panes. Gloom gloom gloom. Originally I was gonna write sth on depression, in response to Karin's diary entry, but now I'm tired, and sleep is always better than gloomy thoughts.


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:: 22Oct02 11:30 :: DON'T LIKE WORK :: Not sure if I like life. Right now I'm just blurgh. Or ugh, whatever you wanna call it. Don't wanna go to work. This weather depresses me like hell. I'm bored. I must have sth like 4 films waiting to be watched... and books waiting to be read... wish I could be bothered. I also feel like changing this place round a bit... but don't know how. Or if I can be bothered. I also don't know what to do with my hair... I was looking thru some old pics with my red-red hair, like the Ponytails sesh, and GOD I miss that colour so much! So yeah, I wonder if I could go back to it.

     Oh yeah, last night I also re-read that list of reasons to be happy I'd made back in May... I was so hyper back then, it's weird, it's like I'm a completely different person now. They way I wrote "why should I waste my time on negative stuff"... I wish I could go back to how I was back then. And the weird thing is, all these things that bug me about myself today, I realize they've always been there. Some of them have grown bigger since my dad died, but they were there before too, and never bothered me that much, because I focused on other things. Now all I see is the negative stuff.


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:: 20Oct02 22:20 :: PIGS, PICS & LAZINESS :: My pigs are the cutest things. Check these two pics of Lucy - taken at exactly one month's interval...

Remarkable innit? The difference I mean. Especially the hair has grown. You don't realise until you compare directly like this. Too cute. OK I keep repeating myself. They ARE tho!!

     Been SOOO lazy today, done NONE of the work I shoulda, so either I go to bed now and wake up at 6am tomorrow, or I do some work now... um.... night! *lol* Oh yeah, I watched Gone in Sixty Seconds tho, fun film, great car chase! Also went for lunch with my nan, booooring is no word for it. Kate rang tonight, was fun catching up. She's such a sweetie, oh and she's moving to Southampton :) OK and now I'm off.

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:: 20Oct02 15:30 :: SPAM :: There's hope!

:: 19Oct02 22:30 :: AUTUMN :: Instead of going to the hairdresser's, I went for this long walk (well, 2hrs) with my darling horsey cuz the weather was so nice (albeit cold)... I took my cam so I have some pics to share with you...



Um yeah, other than that... interesting little soap between MJNI board & Carty board... at first I was annoyed, then I was amused, so I guess it's all good. The Internet is a funny place. Are we all lunatics after all? Who knows.

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:: 19Oct02 12:30 :: BORED :: Sometimes it's really hard to find a title for an entry. Like, when it's about nothing special. Like now. I am bored, I've done all that needed doing (well except the stuff for school, but I have plenty of time for that tomorrow). I've also read all the blogs I'm addicted to, checked my news sites and boards... yawn, the Internet has nothing more to offer me.

     I'm considering going to the hairdresser's - that would be quite cool. I always do stuff with my hair when I feel depressed or bored... and I want funky hair again... thing is I dunno what people at school will think of my funky hair. LOL I'm still on probation, so to speak. I have to make sure I don't irritate people too much :P


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:: 18Oct02 20:20 :: SEX GOD :: I've finally updated the Sex God site - only about a month late. It's just SO much effort - well it's not really, but too much anyway. I should be ok until the end of the year tho. Not like I have any time for that kinda stuff now. Um yeah that's it. Uodating my diary is too much effort too. No comments feature here either, what is there to comment on?

:: 17Oct02 23:20 :: MOVIES BABY! :: I must have watched more films in the last month than during the five years before that. Just finished downloading Gone in 60 Seconds, will watch that over the week-end. I hadn't realised that was the one where my goddess Angelina looks so damn hot - glad I got it now, even tho I dislike Nic. Cage (and no, it has nothing to do with LMP *g*). Oh yeah, I also watched Save The Last Dance today, was kinda cute. Simple plot, sorta lame and soppy in places, but nice film all the same. And DAMN, Sean Patrick Thomas is GORGEOUS, fucking hell! Must get more movies with him in 'em. Cruel Intentions for instance.

     Non-movies-wise I don't have much to tell, my life is dull. Oh, I got a mail from Anikó, kinda surprising but not uncool. I was gonna do lots of updates today but didn't. I might take the Taste section down again btw. And now I must go to bed. School at 8 tomorrow. Ugh.


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:: 16Oct02 08:50 :: VANILLA SKY :: Yeah, so I ended up renting it cuz everyone spoke so highly of it (well not EVERYone, but some people) and I couldn't find it on the file sharers. And I must say... I really did NOT like it. I found it disturbing and nightmarish. The whole story was just totally freakish and Tom Cruise's character scared the crap out of me. The weird 'explanation' at the end didn't make it better, but worse. So, um, yeah. *lol* Just thought I'd share that. Weird how different people can feel so differently about a film.


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:: 15Oct02 00:20 :: BUGGER! An odyssey :: LOL actually it's quite amusing now that I'm back home again. I had an appointment at the doctor's at 10 this morning. I wasn't sure of their addie so I checked it online - it was where I thought it was. So off I went, parked my car in a paying car park, walked to the address... and found a sign saying "we've moved to..." - I had NO idea where that was, plus it was 5 to 10 already! Anyway, it had the tel.no too so I tried to ring them while running back to the car. But the number was constantly engaged - I was mighty pissed off, esp. as the receptionist is quite a moody bitch, so I expected to be told off... *g* As I was rushing through a shop (shortcut thru to the next street), I pushed past an old couple blocking the way. The old bastard went (to his wife) "Did she just push past you?" (then to me) "hey, what are you doing you cow" LOL and I shouted back at him "you can kiss my arse" (well, it was in Luxbgish, but that's a pretty good translation LOL).

     Next, I tried to find the street on a map I begged for at a shop, but obviously to no avail. Back to the car, pay 1 Euro for parking, put the little card in the exit whatsamacallit - and have it returned, saying "insert valid card" - LOL well it IS a valid card you sucker! So I press the little "help" button and tell the guy about my problem. He goes "did you try the other machines? there are two paying machines!" and I'm like "I've paid alright, I'm trying to get OUT, and there's only ONE exit!" OK, he'll send me someone. Yay. Not like I'm in ANY kind of hurry. Anyway, WHILE I'm waiting I keep ringing the doctor's & finally get thru. I say "sorry, I went to the wrong address" and she's like "Oh that's great cuz the doctor is stuck in traffic and won't get here for another hour at LEAST" (little note: the truckers have blocked the borders in protest against something or other and my doctor is German). Yeah so there goes. Now I have another appointment in a fortnight ;) Oh and BTW they told me where the new place is and it's MUCH closer to home & easier to find parking too :D


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:: 15Oct02 00:20 :: Talk to my bot :: LOL, thanks to Seb I have (re)discovered the joys & funs of bots... esp. when they're supposed to be you! *lol* Yeah ok, don't expect too much - Clarissabot likes MJ and green, has guinea pigs & is owned by her BML, but she often gets confused. *giggle* Unfortunately, there's no way to dissuade her from praying. Little bastard programmers! Anyway, if you're bored, visit her for endless hours of fun :P - alternatively, you can talk to Seb's bot, but HE doesn't know that Cartman is Michael Jackson! LOL


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:: 14Oct02 13:20 :: Citz to visit BML over Christmas!!!!! :: Just in, hot off the press!!!! A sensation! Our correspondent from Glasgow, er Luxembourg, er, somewhere in the middle, reports... *crrsssk* "Yes, it is true! If all goes well, it's gonna happen! Fuckin' exciting if you ask me (we didn't)! We'll keep you updated!!" - thanks correspondent (what's your name again?).


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:: 13Oct02 22:50 :: SUNDAY :: Yes that was today. Haven't done much - worked on the Nerd Shirt a little, cleaned out my guinea-pigs and made them some new places to hide (actually I'll have to take pics of that stuff to show y'all how MUCH these darn pigs RULE MY LIFE LOL). Oh, we also put Goliath together (yes yes, 2 months after I bought him!!!), it was quite short & painless, no shouting at each other. Oh oh, and I did an ownage pic for me BML (first ownage pic I've done for someone without a site. But me BML is veeerrrry speshul :D) Anyway, yeah, so click here to view the fab animated BML ownage pic :P


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:: 13Oct02 14:20 :: WYYYYYYCLEF!!!! :: Finally a concert!!! :D I missed Alicia Keys & Pink cuz I was too late & there were no tickets left, I missed Moby cuz I had to work at 8am the next day... so now I'm going to see Wyclef Jean in Frankfurt on the 2nd Nov!!! I am soooooo excited you have no idea!!! Wyclef Wyclef Wyclef!!! :D :D :D *jumping around like a kid* Heeeeheeeeeheeee! :) OMG I love him so much and it's gonna be soooo cool!


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:: 12Oct02 17:00 :: KILLING A MYTH :: Remember Hampsterdance? You haven't been there in a while, right? Neither had I. Well, have a look. That's right, flashy site, Hampsters dancing for Xmas, for Thanksgiving, Hampster T-shirts, Hampster CDs, Dixie Hampster, Fuzzy Hampster and whatnot. Ugh. And it's funny because... ? You're right, it's not.

     Luckily the Web never forgets, so you can STILL visit the original Hampsterdance site here thanks to Archive.org (make sure to wait til the pics load!). They didn't archive the sound, but I did - download here. Other people have tried resurrecting the original too, such as these guys. BTW, the re-launch of the site was even mentioned on Salon.com in 2000. Not that that makes it any better. Rapping Hamsters. Ugh.


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:: 12Oct02 13:03 :: YAY! SHIRT DESIGN II :: Thanks to Karin, I've finally become creative again.. well a little. Bought myself 2 shirts to dabble with. I've got more coming hopefully, but this is my first one and I'm actually quite pleased with the result. Can't wait to wear it :D BTW, The Raven is a most amazing poem, read the full version here. The funny thing is, I'd dug out all my textile colours and stuff and now I did a printout transfer. *g* But as I said, more to come hopefully. Maybe a combination. I have an idea for a "Nerd" one... :)

     UPDATE it's now finished and I'm wearing it! Check the Live page for pics!


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:: 11Oct02 23:15 :: MUSICAL INNOVATION :: I love Michael Jackson with all my heart, and admire him for many things achieved, but musically he has never been very innovative. He's a perfectionist, he can create pure beauty... but innovation? Like The Beatles did, and Queen, and Freddie Mercury, Mike Moran & Montserrat Caballé with the incredible Barcelona album? Unprecedented... and of incomparable beauty. I'd gladly sacrifice Invincible for another Barcelona. *ahem*


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:: 11Oct02 11:25 :: MISSING :: It seems that the England depression is smoothly taking over from the Dad depression. I knew it would be hard to leave - that's why I went back last year, to drag it out some more. I'd considered staying... I was fairly sure I wouldn't in the end, things are so much safer here, but at least I could think about it. Obviously my dad's death changed that, there was no way I could leave my mum alone, at least not in the first couple of years - and tbh I'm also quite fond of my fairly safe job & secure future.

     But that won't keep me from missing it - it's so far away.. and even if I go visit it, it won't be the same again. My England is gone forever and I'm stuck here in this dump. You can regularly see me sneaking around in our English shops with a nostalgic look on my face.

     It's partly Vega's fault cuz she keeps going on & on about Brighton. I started crying the other day just while looking at one of her pics of Brighton Pier. I mean, just the bloody Pier! Good old Brighton. BTW Vega, if you do go back you have to visit Brighton & Preston Cemetery, it's the most beautiful cemetery I have ever seen. The entrance to the extra-muros one is off Vogue Gyratory (near Lewes Road Sainsbury's). *ahem*

     I have to go back soon. I could go over the Xmas holidays, but it's so cold then. Definitely next summer. Must also visit Glasgow tho :) Hm, and must mail me BML.


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:: 09Oct02 23:45 :: MEMORIES :: It's weird how I associate certain somgs or albums with different times in my life... often it's only a vague feeling, diffuse memory flashes... There are a number of Beatles songs (Across The Universe especially) that take me back to a particular summer where I was staying at my nan's & cycling to my horsey every day... and I have one very precise picture of me cycling thru a roundabout - and that picture carries with it all sorts of more vague reminiscences to that summer. Things I couldn't describe, but they're locked within me somewhere - the whole atmosphere of that summer, with all its events & experiences.

     Weirdly enough, I (sometimes) get a similar experience while listening to Brandy's Full Moon (mostly when I listen to it for the 1st time after a longer break)... I mean that album came out about, what, 6 months ago, and yet it seems like it's taking me back to a different era. Pre-dad-death era of course, but it's not just that. There are some things I can't reach, some vague feeling... just something. And that's what makes it so strange.

     I think it was Wordsworth (or DeQuincey? or both?) who made the distinction between the different types of recollection... there's the original event and the feeling it provokes.. and in hindsight you can recount the event without having the feeling, or you can try to trigger the original feeling - thru poetry for instance (it was Wordsworth right?). That's what this reminds me of. Brandy's album makes me feel an undefinable feeling that I associate with some past time, without actually reminding me of any events or experiences that the feelings were originally associated with. It's most fascinating.

     PS. Annie Lennox's Love Song for a Vampire has much the same effect on me. The song does something to me, it makes me feel things that can't be related to the song itself... but I cannot pin down what they are.


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:: 09Oct02 14:15 :: THERE, HAPPY NOW? :: (this is for Michelle) I have a comments tool. Thanks to Jess cuz I found it on her site. :P I have a headache too, but I will go shopping all the same now. Out of this place. I bet this is what gives me headaches. OK maybe it's the cold, but anyway. Fresh air will do me good. Yay. Might even get creative afterwards. Probably not tho, too much effort.


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:: 09Oct02 12:15 :: STUPID TAGBOARD II :: Damnit! Now that I've completely changed my main page round and moved the Tagboard to a separate page, it's super-fast - but no one uses it cuz they're all too lazy to go looking for it! :( I feel like buying some gadget today... can't think of anything tho. Maybe a new webcam, my old one is pretty shite. Whatever I do, I think I'll go somewhere this afternoon. Sitting at home all the time is kinda crap if you think about it. I'd love to go rollerblading actually, the weather is so nice, but with this embryo of a cold I have I'd better be careful. Don't wanna give it the chance to develop. Guess I could just wrap up warm? We'll see.


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:: 08Oct02 22:00 :: STUPID TAGBOARD :: I'm majorly fed up with that stupid Tag Board taking so long to load. I think I'll put it on a separate page or even a popup, so ppl can keep checking out the site while it loads. I wonder how many visitors were put off because they thought my main page wasn't working.

     LOL, I'm so waiting for Michelle to tell me I should use her cute little PHP one etc. But you know how it is baby, me is an untalented no-programming kid :p


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:: 07Oct02 22:30 :: MAKING NO SENSE :: I'm so tired. Tired of being so confused, so little in tune with myself, so lost. I so totally don't like this feeling, I wanna know where I stand, at least I wanna be able to put my problems into words. That way at least I could explain them to someone and hope for helpful suggestions... to help me make sense of it all. But the way things are now I can't even explain. I'd need someone to ask exactly the right questions, and how could anyone do that since they don't know me & my problems?

     I'm not like this all the time - so confuzzled. I function, my life goes on, tho it has changed a lot. I even have times where I am happy, sometimes. But it's not like it used to be. And I know even at those times that something has gone wrong somewhere and that things need to change. I feel I am at a stage where it won't just get better by itself.. but I don't have the energy nor the willpower to start working on it.

     But the idea of going to someone, someone qualified, and putting myself in this person's hands, completely opening up to them, kinda scares me. It also makes me feel presumptious. I feel they will shake their heads at me and tell me that my problems aren't really that bad, that there's much worse, and that I could solve them on my own if I really wanted. That I should just stop fussing and try doing sth other than just moaning.

     The other thing that scares me, and maybe scares me even more, is that I'm going to be like my father. I despise my father and everything he does, and yet I can see him within me. And I'm thinking, no way, this is all I never wanted to be so why can't I just fight it?! But I can't - and I wonder if it's laziness and I'm just looking for excuses... that I could change if I wanted. And I don't seem to know - isn't that freaky? I don't know if I can't change or if I don't want to change.


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:: 06Oct02 22:50 :: TWO FUNNY THINGS AND MY UPDATE :: I have the strangest shaped ears. I find ears weird anyway, and I must admit I've seen stranger ears than my own... but mine are kinda funny-shaped too. Click here to see what I mean. Big ear lobes. Strange. Not that I care much.

     The other funny thing I found when I had a look at my webspace log today... LOL go here and move on to the 2nd page... yep, there it is, the Sex God Site. LOLOL. Sad the attention you get when you have the word "Sex" in your title.

     BTW, do visit my new Taste section and check out an amazing song... I will be updating that every once in a while. OK and now I will be off to work on tomorrow's lesson.


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:: 06Oct02 12:15 :: IDIOTIC POPUP :: LOL how's that for stupidest popup ad ever? You know the ones they have saying "your PC is broadcasting an IP address" - that's bad enough, but I'll agree that some people may not know what IP addies are and fall for it. But computer clock???? And: MANAGER UTILITIES?? How about: double-click and manage yourself??

     Next up in the land of dumb PC users and ruthless exploiters:

     YOUR COMPUTER MAY BE SWITCHED ON.
CLICK HERE TO GET A HIGH PERFORMANCE WINDOWS SHUTDOWN UTILITY!

      Oh God help us.


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:: 05Oct02 12:15 :: ROLE MODELS II :: OK, finally I get round to replying to Seb's role model reply... (hehe sorry Seb, I'm terrible).

     I guess you'd need to define what exactly a role model is for you. Seb basically said that he can't imagine looking up to someone who's had so little life experience. I know these people have not necessarily had as much experience as someone twice their age - but they can have. Age is not everything, and many 50yr olds have seen less of life than many 25yr olds. Plus "Alter schützt vor Torheit nicht" (age does not protect you from stupidity).

     I don't even wanna be Pink or Alicia Keys - so maybe role model wasn't the best choice of word. I just think they're cool people, I admire them for what they are (without aspiring to be the same). As an 18yr-old I would never have admired a 15yr old because I would always have felt superior to them (unless they were some sort of genius or whatever LOL). And now I'm at a point where I must tell myself that my age doesn't make me any wiser than someone a few years younger than me.

     About the "not getting any better thing"... Seb said: think in life you gain knowledge & (life) experience. That's true, but life experience is something everyone gains to a certain degree, so that doesn't single me out. And that won't make me grow disproportionately. I dare say I have seen & read more and know more than some people who are much older than me. But I can also see that there are people younger than me who know more and have had more life experience than me. And where that leaves them in 10yrs time doesn't really matter at this moment because it is right now that I am looking up to them. Who knows where I will be in 10 yrs? Maybe I will be so low that I have lots more people to look up to? *g*


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:: 03Oct02 23:15 :: EZBOARDS ARE DOWN :: and keep extending their down-time, so I will do the same for my diary. I seriously need some sleep, today was pretty stressful... so I'll get back to y'all (Seb & role models, Michelle & CC bras...) tomorrow - pwomise! Tonight is just not the time. *yawn* Can't wait for the week-end.


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:: 02Oct02 16:15 :: COMING UP ON CLARISSAWEB :: Well there's all these things I wanna talk about and I can't do it all at the same time cuz I have stuff to do... like, real life stuff, anyway, lemme write them down so I can come back to them later... hopefully.

  • first off there's the book vs. film debate - there was a thread about that on Cartman's Corner and I sorta got involved but then quickly back-tracked cuz the one 'party' (read: opinion) involved was my old enemy freDDo (I'll call him that since his user names change regularly) & we'd had some sort of a truce... but I watched Queen of the Damned earlier and was reminded again what the difference between both mediums are... and I'd like to say a few words about that at some point.
  • then there's Seb who's written an interesting diary entry 'in reply to' my role models one & yes, I'll reply. There are things I've got to say and you got me thinking ;) Damn I love that sort of interaction.
  • Finally, and I think I'll just mention this now and not get back to it, I've just found this: ConsumerFreedom.com and these people have given me hope. I couldn't agree with them more. Check out the site and esp. their ads (cf. the top banners) - hey, all Americans are not stupid and some people see the stupidity in others too! *so relieved* I couldn't agree more with their main message: Consumer, use your brain!! Remember Kant? Erleuchtung ist die Befreiung des Menschen aus seiner selbstverschuldeten Unmündigkeit. Unmündigkeit ist das Unvermögen, sich seiner eigenen Erkenntnisfähigkeit ohne Leitung eines anderen zu bedienen. Selbstverschuldet ist diese Unmündigkeit, wenn deren Ursache nicht im Mangel an Erkenntnis, sondern im Mangel an Entscheidungsfähigkeit und Mut liegt. selbstverschuldete Unmündigkeit - self-inflicted irresponsibility.

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read on > September 2002