- March 2003 -

:: 31Mar03 20:15 :: WAAAAAAAH!!!!!!! :: I know I'm a selfish bitch, but aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!! ME BML!!! (read this) Waaaaah, how am I gonna manage without Me BML???? Has already switched off mobile, so can't contact her unless ring home no, but would be like invading her privacy since she wants a break. *sob* Aaah want her back :( And want her to feel better. Don't want her to get upset by things like that. Don't want her upset at all! Want happy BML! (see if I locked her away no one could hurt her!) Want her to learn how to tell people to fuck off (or just bloody ignore them at least!!) And want her back! :((

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:: 31Mar03 09:45 :: ALMOST NOW :: Wow, it's been ages since I last updated uh? Been hella busy over the week-end correcting papers (well, really only been busy on Sunday, but whatever), but it's all done now, I only have class twice more and then it's the holidays!

   Oh I hate these Swiss keyboards! They're all messed up! I can just about get used to the y and z thing, but exclamation mark, forward slash, colon, apostrophy and so on, they're all in the wrong places and it takes me ages to find them. Which makes me look like I can't really type. So yes, I'm typing this at school - sat in front of one of our PCs instead of being sociable and mingling with the other teachers. Just can't be arsed when there's none of the young 'uns. These people taught me years ago. With some of them I just can't get used to the fact that we're now colleagues. Besides, most of them aren't very interesting people.

   I have to make sure I delete all incriminating evidence from the PC afterwards. Must clear history. Actually I forgot last time, in fact I regularly forget, and I also noticed I was still logged in on EZboard this time! Good thing no one else here visits any EZboards. I'm sure they would wonder who "Citizen of Pop" is (well they wouldn't wonder too long if they looked at some of my posts *lol*).

    Anyway. Did I mention Me BML is coming to visit me????? No, never got round to it, did I? Well she is!!!! Isn't that fantastic???? So even if MJ doesn't turn up in Ischgl (which is rather unlikely by now), it matters not, cuz I will be having Me BML with me, which is just as good, if not better!! (would insert lots of lovey-dovey smileys to annoy everyone, but ain't at home so don't have relevant bookmarks).

   LMAO one of the teachers is on the phone (clearly) arguing with a parent about some punishment he's given one of his brat kids. See that's what pisses me off about parents these days. They have these spoilt kids, they are totally unable to educate them or teach them any manners, so we have to fight the arrogant & rude shits on a daily basis - and whenever there's a problem, the parents side with their little brats and totally undermine our authority! They'll even call us liars and believe their manipulative and scheming kids before us! Back in my time, when we got punished & complained, our parents would say "well there's probably a reason then" (unless it was a really weird case), but today we all but end up in court when we dare react to the little shits' impertinence. (NB I haven't had such a case myself so far, but I hear about them all the time).

   OK that's enough ranting for today. (I bet you think I'm a really good teacher now uh? *lol*) Will update more often again now, as I have more time. Maybe some pics in the near future... or a video entry? :P

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:: 27Mar03 23:45 :: TODAY :: Yay, so my mum goes to me "damn you have great tits! You're fat, but you have great tits!" (or something to that effect). LMAO well there's gotta be someting to everything?! *giggle*

   The holidays are around the corner - ok so I have 22 copies of a boring comprehension test to correct until Monday, but there's worse. If this was a weblog about the current state of education in Luxbg I could go on & on & on... but it isn't so I won't. *SIGH* tho!!!!

   Anyway. Have you read the announcement above? Good. I ain't kidding either. I have the BML's Ischgl ticket. She'd better take care of herself or she'll never see that ticket! And if there's no Ischgl I'll find some other way to get her to see a doctor! *grrr* Watch this space!

   Dorin is a sexy babe btw!! *muah* And I will be on my way to Barcelona in about a week from now! Weee! :P I could write about the "oil for food" program and about how the US government are making sure US companies will have the monopoly on building up the mobile phone network in Iraq, and about how this makes me puke... but why should I waste my energy getting worked up about the fucked up state of the world. *lol*

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:: 25Mar03 23:55 :: PRIDE & SHAME :: Part of this I've been meaning to write for a while, about patriotism. Seems to be very common with most people: if there's nothing else to be proud of (i.e. if they haven't achieved anything themselves) - or even if there is, they can always be proud of their own country, and you'll find that most people are, one way or another.

     Being patriotic is easily perceived as being nationalistic, that is, if you say "I am proud of what my country has achieved" people assume you also say "I believe my country is superior to other nations". That does not always need to be the case, and I admit that. BUT I am neither nationalistic NOR patriotic. I could never imagine being proud of my nationality or my countrymen. The whole concept of patriotism seems totally alien to me.

     I suppose it is mainly related to my scepticism and my cynicism - I could never see anything in a good light. I simply could not imagine seeing "positive things" in my country. I have to question, I have to criticize. But I am seriously convinced that this very scepticism is what makes me a good & worthy human being. You should always question. If you question, you will find nothing to be proud of. Therefore, pride & patriotism means you fail to question, as a result you are being manipulated. I can't think of anything in our (white western) history we could be proud of.

     Which takes me to my next point, shame. Very much related to guilt. I feel personal guilt towards those who have suffered from the wrongdoings of my ancestors. I feel guilty towards, for instance, Jews, coloured people (black or otherwise), native americans, outcasts & "witches", anyone who has suffered from colionalism, racism, discrimation and so on. I will always feel inhibited in such situations.

     I still feel guilty for what some obscure ancestors of mine might have done to someone centuries ago - but I could never feel proud of ANYTHING that has happened in the past, anything my ancestors have achieved. Incidentally, this also determines my view of the Germans - I cannot understand how the young people of today (i.e. my generation) can refuse to feel ANY responsibility for the Holocaust - or how they can say they've heard more than they deserve. My couintry wasn't even directly involved and yet I feel terrible shame for not having done more. So should the rest of Europe but of course not everyone feels like I do. Course you could criticize my attitude for being too negative, but I believe if everyone felt like that people would hopefully question what they are being told, or indoctrinated, and they hopefully wouldn't hate so much. Of course that's an illusion. Back to negativity. But what else is there?

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:: 23Mar03 17:40 :: BLURGH :: Bloody period cramps. Bloody periods. Bloody everything. Bloody boredom too, and bloody lethargy as usual. My room needs tidying. I mean, seriously. I've just used up the red colour on my printer cartridge, and I've found out that my stupid guinea-pigs have eaten the lower parts of the backs of some of my books in the hall, obviously some of the bigger, older & more expensive ones. *grrrrrrrrrrrrr* HOW annoying!! Little buggers! I checked the shelves for WEEKS to see if they gnawed at them & they never did, so I thought they were safe... they must have discovered them after that. Hate them hate them hate them!

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:: 22Mar03 19:40 :: FROM DARKNESS TO LIGHT :: Well, the new layout is quite the contrary of the previous one... I've followed most people's advice and changed it. I like it. Simple and friendly. Tell me what you think

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:: 21Mar03 19:25 :: WHAT A NIGHTMARE :: OMG, you can watch Baghdad being bombed live on CNN. What a perverted, callous, cruel, cynical world we live in! This seriously makes me cry, it's so so so disconcerting and awful. People are dying right now, running for their lives or hiding in shelters scared to death and we're watching live on television!? I can't describe how it makes me feel - shocked, sick, sad, angry, and deeply disturbed.

     I can't actually explain why I feel like this. I have never experienced a war myself obviously, tho I have read and been told much about what it's like to be bombarded. But seeing it happen, LIVE - not just in some short report on the news, but AS IT HAPPENS, uncommented, just seeing the blows, hearing the explosions, seeing the whole sky light up as another bomb detonates... what is this, pyrotechnic entertainment?!?! Oh my God. What a nightmare. What a freakin' nightmare.

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:: 21Mar03 00:25 :: TELL ME :: Visit the TagBoard and the Comments.... now think, would you like the whole site to look like that? Or similar to it? Tell me what you think... in the comments below (not above). *lazy Citz thinking about changing layout*

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:: 20Mar03 15:25 :: THE WEST DIVIDED :: I've just been wondering about the widening gap between pro-war and anti-war factions in the Western World. Both have valid arguments. I believe the arguments of the anti-war faction are better and stronger, besides I'm a pacifist, so condemn any war in principle.

     But regardless of my personal point of view, isn't it disturbing, even frightening how far apart these two factions are, how little understanding they have left for each other?! Sooner or later we'll have to find a new world order, cuz the one we have now, a leftover from the Cold War, has become obsolete. *poof* Bloody Americans.

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:: 19Mar03 16:25 :: ME ME ME :: So cool all the little versions of yourself you can create on the Net. I have quite a few so far so I thought I'd show them off :b The links below the pic take you to the respective sites so you can create your own :P

Southpark Studios

Josie's Dolls

Reasonably Clever

The N
     I'm reasonably pissed off with Haloscan again for a change, they never seem to work. BTW, remember my Guestmap? And how I threatened to kill everyone that didn't sign!? Well there are still plently of you out there that haven't so move your arse over there!

     EDIT - Right, I've moved back to Enetation again for a change. Have moved older entries to the archive and changed the one below to Enetation too. Obviously comments are gone now, but I'll move them over if Haloscan decides to come back to life. YAY @ the speed of the page loading now!! :D

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:: 18Mar03 23:35 :: CYNICISM :: You may know I'm generally a cynic. Here's one definition from Dictionary.com that I like:

     cynic - a snarler; a misanthrope; particularly, a person who believes that
     human conduct is directed, either consciously or unconsciously, wholly by
     self-interest or self-indulgence, and that appearances to the contrary
     are superficial and untrustworthy

     I don't think this of all humans without exception. I think this, as a rule, of all humans unknown to me unless proven otherwise. Cynicism is perceived as a "bad" attribute by some. Cynics despise humans. It's true. I do. Most of them. Why not? They are despicable. Most of them. And I don't believe in them.

     I got myself the Dalai Lama's Art of Happiness a while back, because I respect him and thought maybe he could teach me something. I started reading the book and soon (like, about 2 pages in) found out that his whole philosophy, his whole system of being happy is based on the belief, the assumption that "humans are intrinsically good". This is a belief I simply cannot share, so the rest of the book was completely lost to me.

     There's something else that's sorta related. The way I feel about this war. I've just read Me BML's diary entry about the war and how she's scared of it. I'm not at all. I think it's the wrongest thing to do, I can't condone this war, and yes I feel sorry for the lives that will be lost. I feel angry above all. But on the other hand I don't really feel fazed by this war... I "accept" it as the natural course of events. How could it ever be otherwise since people are stupid, arrogant, primitive, selfish? There's so much of that shit happening every single fucking day, simply because it is part of human nature. Cuz at the end of the day, whether it's the bullies beating up some poor kid in the school yard or a government sending dissidents to the Gulag - the mechanics behind it (in the brain!) remain largely the same. People protect themselves, therefore aggress others.

     So in a way this war is yet another one of those events we will follow on TV screens (apart from the few among us who have relatives fighting) - it's nothing but news reports! It might as well be fiction to us. We see them all the time. How can we still pretend to care? If we really did, we'd really try to do something about it! Don't tell me there is no way for us to change things! It's the global apathy & indifference that produces the world we have now. Of course we would have to make considerable sacrifices to help create equality. And which one of us would be willing to do that!? "Yes I'll donate to Amnesty, but first I need to buy a new DVD player".

     That's cynicism. But it's the truth. And if you take this to the extreme, you'll have to admit that none of us have any right to condemn, opinionate, pity or moralize. We are all despicable vermin. I'm not sure if admitting it makes you a better person than pretending you aren't. I don't suppose it does. But personally I despise hypocrites even more.

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:: 17Mar03 23:15 :: LOOONG PC RANT - ONLY FOR GEEKS! :: I was trying to explain PCs to my mum earlier (for the umpteenth time). I still find it hard to grasp how little she seems to understand... it's an intelligence completely alien to her (and there are loads of people like her). She does not get the logic of it. And I'm not even talking about Windows crashing and hardware conflicts or anything "problematic"... it's just the most basic things!

     It really frustrates me at times. I mean my mum is anything but stupid, I remember her explaining vectors in maths to me because I didn't get them, and she completely understood them just by going thru the chapter in the book. But this... makes no sense to her. I tried to explain the difference between Windows and Word to her (she only ever uses Word or Solitaire on her PC. And she's got a bloody DVD-playing laptop, which she got completely for free from work!!! It's SOO damn unfair!!!! *grrr)... it took ages - to her it's all the same!

     God, but the IT people at her job are bloody annoying too. I hate those arrogant wannabe specialists! Yeah so anyway, my mum got a new (DVD-playing!!) laptop which now runs on Win2k as opposed to Win98 on the one she had before. Now my mum has her own Lexmark printer (which I used to install on her old PCs), but with bloody Win2k the bastards don't give the user admin access (which in a way I can understand, cuz most of those ppl don't know how to do the things you need admin access for anyway, but on the other hand, this is your PERSONAL PC which you're allowed to take home - so you have to go to see THEM everytime you configure a new dialup connection!? PUR-LEASE!!!! *rolleyes*)

     Anyway, nothing to do about that, and so obviously they told her she (read: I) wouldn't be able to install the printer drivers so they'd do it (you shoulda seen me already *lol* - "give me the bloody admin login!!!"). So she gave them the CD & they installed it. She brought it home & we tested it.... and it didn't work (it printed everything in three interlacing rows). I suggested it might be a driver problem, but they said she should bring the printer. She did & they told her the printer was broken, that they'd tested it on 2 more PCs and it did the same thing (yeah well, probably all Win2k ones ey!? Plus I bet they never even DID test it - they knew they could tell her any crap and she couldn't prove them wrong!)

     I said I'd bet her all the money in the world it wasn't broken, so we installed it on one of my PCs and of course it worked perfectly. I'd looked up updated drivers on the Lexmark site in the meantime & found a Win2k one, so I printed out the URL, gave it to her and told her she should tell them what to do (?!), since I was unable due to lack of admin access *aaargh*, and they were obviously too thick to work it out by themselves.

     Obviously there's no guarantee this will help, but there is a fairly good chance. What annoys me, these people wouldn't even bother to find out the problem... I mean, again, partly I can understand them, they probably have to deal with so much crap that they can't be arsed to spend 1hr installing one printer, but for me it would be a matter of honour - I would not be satisfied unless I had sorted the problem (even if I'd ask my wonderful experts for advice). And in a way I can see myself doing this for a living (still looking for a dream job here, hehe), but dealing with computer dummies like my mum would probably drive me insane. I'd have to work in a PC software-troubleshooting service, but with no direct customer contact! *lol*

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:: 16Mar03 12:50 :: SUNDAY BLUES & DESTINY'S CHILD :: I've just spent some time working on a new layout, but I'm not happy with it so I'll keep this one (which I really like anyway). You can have a glimpse tho if you want... right here!

     I've also done a painting type thing of the destroyed bridge in Mostar which you can admire (haha) by clicking here if you like. I might do some more painting later on today, I kinda had fun doing it, tho it didn't turn out quite the way I wanted it (but not that bad either).

     I'm listening to Destiny's Child at the moment and was just remembering how I "met" them while I was living in Paris. Was quite cool & exciting so will tell the story. (hehe, if nothing exciting happens in your life, you can always talk about events long past). It was pure chance that I found out! See I was walking home listening to a Janet tape. I had almost reached my flat when I dropped my personal stereo and broke it... well, the tape-playing part, so I switched on the radio to entertain me instead... and what did I hear? A DJ interviewing Destiny's Child! When they were done the guy said they would now be signing autographs at the radio station, so all fans were advised to rush to the Rue Bayard if they wanted to catch them. This wasn't far at all from where I lived, so I rushed (ran home to grab my cam & one of my DC albums 1st tho). I was so lucky, a métro arrived just as I reached the station. Got off 2 stations further up and ran ran ran. I was quite fit at that time cuz on one of my "healthy living" trips.

     When I got there, there was a long queue of people waiting for access, and lots more people looking on thru the big glass windows. They weren't letting any new people queue, so I resigned myself to taking pix & staring with the others. The signing went on for a while & then DC came out. Obviously we were all screaming and waving while the security guys were ushering them towards the car. But then they decided to sod their security guys and came straight towards us & started grabbing our album booklets etc & signing them!!! Waaah! *lol* (I never have any luck like that you see). I managed to shove my booklet into one of their faces and it made the rounds... 3 of them signed it... the 4th one (Farrah at that time) didn't get the chance before security decided it was time to go. Ironically, she left the band shortly afterwards, so I have the signatures of the complete band now :D Cool right? *mehehehe*

     Right, that's enough for now. Time to eat. Is SOOO nice and sunny outside, shame it's so freezing cold! And I really need to move my sites to a new host soon, so I can finally start using Movable Type or Greymatter.

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:: 14Mar03 23:30 :: INSECURE & SCARED :: Well now. I've had this layout for almost 2 months, and altho I like it I think it might be about time for a change. My ideas for a new one are very limited tho (any suggestions are welcome). I think I'll try to go for something less graphics-heavy next time. Maybe just maybe I'll go back to non-frames (probably not tho - too much work).

     I haven't talked about my dad for a while have I. In fact I haven't cried for him in ages, probably 2 months (tho I can't tell you a proper date)... I've just been moving along, and altho I can't say I'm feeling guilty for not breaking down crying every other day (I don't think you should force yourself to grieve if it doesn't come naturally), I'm scared of what's to come because I know, I can feel I'm not "over him" - whenever I force myself to think of the fact that he's dead, I still feel that pang... is it fear? Surprise? Disbelief? I don't know, but the feeling is still the same. You know, the feeling you have when you found out you've lost your best friend's favourite sweater. It hits you in the stomach. I still get that.

     But there's a difference. I can't cry anymore. The songs that used to invariably make me cry, either because of the message they carried or because of the personal associations, they don't do it anymore. They make me sad, but they don't make me cry (I've tested it). With the exception of Handel's Sarabande. That just takes me straight back to the awful week right after his death. It's like Proust's Madeleine, it carries so many associations with it, it simply triggers the same feelings again, it brings back the whole horrific atmosphere of those 10 days that I spent here after his death. It was like a temporal microcosm, it's not like anything I've ever experienced before. It's impossible to describe. He was still so very present in his absence. His absence was so... intense, I could feel it. We've gotten used to it by now. We know what the house is like without him, what life is like without him.

     We used to be, we are a very rational and, well, theoretically unemotional family. You might remember how I said the impact his death had on me surprised me because everything had been talked through, and we had, sort of, in theory, anticipated his death for quite a while... we knew he wasn't gonna live to 70, and we'd discussed all these things, and tbh living without him had sometimes seemed more appealing than living with him (I've mentioned that he often wasn't an easy person to deal with).

     But when he died I found out that shutting out the emotions didn't mean you could protect yourself from them. Or simply that nothing could've prepared me for the violence of the emotions that hit me, even if I had tried to anticipate them. And in a way it makes sense. I know I don't trust feelings, I'm afraid of them, so I try to avoid them as far as I can. I repress them for as long as possible - and at the end of the day that's ok, it doesn't make the loss any more or less bearable. It just protects me from thinking about it until I can no longer run away from it. Then they hit again, but they would anyway. There's no escaping from them. And doesn't that give me even more reason to be afraid of them?

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:: 14Mar03 13:10 :: LMAOOOO :: True story, very funny, happened yesterday in a town called Esch here in Luxembourg. Found in today's newspaper.

     Shortly after 1pm in the "Dicks Street" in Esch: a businessman is on his way to his car and notices an unattended suitcase. He gets suspicious, gets out his mobile and calls the police. A little later, the first police car arrives with their blue lights on. The area around the suitcase is widely marked off and people are evacuated. The shop owner from across the street tells the police: "the suitcase has been at the exact same spot for more than an hour now."

     The policemen call their bomb squad and extend the evacuated area. At around 1.30pm, a specialized van and a team of demining specialists arrive. They prepare to analyse the contents of the suitcase with a special X-ray device. The police helicopter is hovering above the heads of the many onlookers.

     Then all of a sudden they see a man with a blue overall standing in the middle of the danger area. A policeman hastens to pull the man back. "Excuse me, I've forgotten my tools." The police take down the man's name, remove the barrier, the man takes the suitcase and makes his way through the smiling audience.

     I kid you not, this really happened. My mum and I had a good laugh about it and I thought I'd share. LOL. Imagine the guy walking up to his box with all this commotion going on around him! And all he says is "excuse me, I've forgotten my tools"?! I'm still chuckling. Wish I'd been there! *g*

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:: 13Mar03 21:50 :: MEH :: I'm living in some sort of parallel world again... everything is s-o-o-o   s-l-o-w... and lethargy has caught me again (despite Ginseng!), maybe it's just that time of the month. I've gone to bed real early (10pmish) twice in a row now. Doesn't help. It's almost the week-end though, I only have to go in for one hour tomorrow morning (at 8 tho *ugh*). I keep thinking today is Friday... I have to make sure I don't sleep in tomorrow.

     Big confusion concerning the MJ event... does he go, does he not? Some people say he's definitely going, MJJP say no way is he going, and the fans are just caught in between wondering whether they should book a flight or not. Annoying. Ah well.

     I got a txt from a friend last night saying she's in hospital cuz she tried to kill herself. It's the one with the abusive husband, you may remember. Aaargh, can't quite deal with that. I'm a bad friend.

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:: 11Mar03 12:20 :: SHOULD WE LOOK AWAY? :: This may be a stupid argument, but I just got thinking while I was reading an interview with Amira Hass, an Israeli journalist living in the Palestinian territories. She said about the impending war that both Palestinians and Israelis were afraid that the other would let the conflict escalate "while the world looks towards Iraq." Somehow the image, although a well known one, struck me as literal... everyone's looking that way - via the television, newspapers or online, you know, I could almost imagine everyone turning their heads and looking in the direction where Iraq lies. The rest is shut out.

     Two things came to mind regarding international politics (not necessarily Iraq)... the first one is, are we obliged to intervene in what after all is "other people's business", just because we can actually see it? Even though it's happening at the other end of the world? Go back 300 years, there simply wasn't the possibility to know what was, say, going on in China. People just left each other alone. Injustice happened everywhere, and other people simply didn't know about it.

     Of course you can say that's too simple an approach, and not compatible with today's notion of Human Rights and moral courage. You're not supposed to "look away". But the other question is (and that's what's exemplified in what Hass said), since we are selective in our interventionism, is it really legitimate? And I'm not only talking about the US - everyone knows they only butt in when they have something to gain from it themselves. I'm talking about all of us - we don't take military action of course, but we have an opinion, we discuss it and possibly we go to demos or support related organisations.

     We see the injustice going on in some places and get all worked up about it - but we can't possibly take into account all instances of injustice... and often we deliberately look away because it suits us (cf the blindness concerning the living conditions in Communist regimes that many European leftist intellectuals showed up until the 70es or so). Therefore we're being injust too. I'm not saying we should just stop caring full stop... I dunno what I'm saying tbh, I'm just rambling. It's just that this peculiarity of our over-mediatized "global village" struck me. The selectivity of it.

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:: 09Mar03 19:20 :: MY HAPPY LITTLE FAMILY :: has had a new addition... his name is Blanket and he's a Siemens S55. Since I'm a bit of a freak with a big family of named tecchie stuff, I thought I'd quickly introduce you to them... in reverse chronological order :P
  • Blanket the Siemens S55
  • Prince the Psion Revo
  • Mikey the desktop
  • Simi the Siemens C45
  • Yumiko the digicam
  • Yana the webcam
  • Yoshi the Laptop
  • Robbie the Siemens C35
  • Joe the old desktop

Um yeah I think that's it. Joe and Robbie are no longer in use (in fact Robbie died a cruel death when he got drenched in a full litre of Bacardi Rum). I believe I gave my landline phone a name too but I can't remember it (same thing with my very first printer. I have to say I don't feel the same sort of affection for a printer as for a PC or mobile).

     I've sorta changed my mind on the Barcelona/Ischgl business again. Looks like MJ is gonna perform, lots of people (read: fans) will be going and I can't really afford to miss it after Berlin and all that. I know my mum is gonna hate me though... I'd just told her I'd go to Barcelona with her. *hum* But I absolutely have to go. There's nothing like a Michael trip to look forward to... I can feel the buzz in my veins already... it's SO friggin' exciting!!! *dances around room*

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:: 08Mar03 11:50 :: WEEK-ENDER! :: I've replaced "happy" with "smile" in the poem (below) to keep the rhythm. In the stanza about MJ. I've also updated the Site page as I'd forgotten to put up screenshots of the 2 latest layouts. Found out that this is layout 11. That's not quite 1 layout per month. Not bad. Time for a new one then? Nah, I like this one too much :P

     My mum is mad at me because of the "MJ in Ischgl" thing... basically she sorta booked our holiday to Barcelona (10th-13th April) yesterday morning... then in the evening I read on the boards that MJ's supposed to be in Ischgl (Austria) on the 13th for some charity event... thing is, she had wanted to book almost a month ago and I said I didn't like deciding things so far in advance as something might always happen... of course I was mainly thinking of MJ events... so she finally convinced me to book a month in advance and then the same day sth MJ-y is announced! *lol* It's not really my fault tho is it, and I'd told her there would be a risk. Anyway, I've sorta decided to go to Barcelona anyway as MJ probably isn't gonna be there more than one day and it wouldn't really be worth it.. but I bet my mum is gonna be mad now & make a fuss along the lines of "yeah but I bet you're gonna cancel later, I'll never go on holiday with you anymore, you are so unreliable" and so on. Pfft, I can't help being obsessed with Michael Jackson! *g*

     In other news... did I tell you I've had a major check-up done on my car!? And replaced part of the exhaust, and all that was quite expensive, so I've decided to keep my old car for a while to make it worth while. And it's sweet anyway (my car I mean). So I'll need to buy something else instead.. and I thought I might get myself a new mobile after all, with a contract, so I could use it as a modem and update my site from my classes (thanks to Prince the Revo), and if I get one with a cam feature I could update with pics even. *hehe* Yessir. If that isn't geeky I dunno what is :D

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:: 07Mar03 19:20 :: KILLING THE TIME :: I was very bored at my course today (4hrs!!!!) and since it would've attracted attention had I started drawing or using my Revo, I wrote a poem about myself instead. *g* It's not exceptionally good or anything (actually it's rather lame), but I had to sort of pay attention at the same time. Had fun writing it though. I might rework it at some point.

Let me present myself to you
My name's Clarissa, how do you do?
I'm also known as BML's Citz
And I teach English to young kids.

I'm 25 and live at home
I have a bathroom and a phone
I have a bed and a TV
but most important - a PC!

Most of the time I'm on the Net
Chatting to people that I've met
Posting on boards, or on my site
Staying online til late at night.

Owt else you ought to know 'bout me?
I own two pigs and a horsey!
Also a car that's called Yoopee
I always name my things you see.

With Michael Jackson I'm obsessed
He makes me smile when I'm depressed
I find him sexy and good-lookin'
If I could I'd go & fook him!

I don't at all believe in love
Nor in the holy guy above
I'm cynical and weird in part
but basically good at heart.

I think that's it, you know me now.
So I'll be off if you allow.

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:: 06Mar03 23:30 :: BATHROOM ::

Is nice and colourful, yes? I rearranged it this way obviously. I just noticed tonight that all my toiletries and things are rather bright & colourful and stuff... and that they would look much nicer this way (tho of course they're not necessarily easier to use this way...). So I took picture and put it online, cuz I'm a geek, I am.

     BTW my mum reckons a smiley satellite dish probably looks nicer than a plain white one, so SMILEY HERE I COME! :D Um yeah. The holidays are near, the week-end is nearer, but nearest to all is a good night's sleep. Are you fasting? Good on ya! Fast for peace! Are the US really plannig to take over the world? Some people here think so. I dunno. Whatever it is they do, someone needs to stop them. *hum*

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:: 05Mar03 19:30 :: MADNESS :: I've joined 50 fanlistings in the past few days, hehehe, I love the pretty buttons. You can view most of them here (tho the most important ones are still on the main page).

     That's more or less the most exciting piece of news I have... ah yes, there's the diet/detox thing, well I did quite well, you know, no alcohol, no chocolate or sweets, lots of water... but I succumbed yesterday (both alcohol and chocolate) and again today (Dreeaaam Eggs...). But I must stay strong! *sigh*

     Bah, what a boring life I lead. At least there's the Internet with its fights and its intrigues to keep me entertained. Who needs television!? I mean, seriously... *lol*

     Eeenyway. Looks like I ain't gonna move out of this place so soon. My mum has decided she doesn't wanna help me with buying a place after all cuz she'd rather keep the money (as I will be the one inheriting from both my father's & my dad's mum, if that makes sense, and she doesn't seem to trust me that I will pay her back)... I can't afford to buy anything on my own (couldn't get any money off a bank as I have nothing) and I don't see why I should pay rent for years when I can stay here for free. So yeah, me's staying.

     That means I can buy a car... and also a satellite dish! They have smiley ones, I've seen them around, I so want one of those, but I bet my mum won't be too keen on having a big yellow smiley on her house (tho would go well cuz house too is yellow). Aaaawwww but that would be so me!!!!

     That's all. Am going downstairs for dinner now (and no I don't cook! *lol*)

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:: 03Mar03 00:30 :: THREAT :: I've finally succumbed and added a Guestmap so SIGN SIGN SIGN or die!!!!! Permalink is on the left below the campic.

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:: 02Mar03 19:30 :: WHAT & WHY & HOW & WHEN :: How do people do... things? You know, where do they get the energy from? I mean, I really have the impression things with me are getting worse and worse. I don't even reply to short e-mails anymore (I've long given up writing my usual 20k ones), I have all these website projects waiting that I used to enjoy working on & I can barely get myself to update this thing. I used to create things every once in a while, now all I do is post on messageboards, or worse, aimlessly surf around, all the while feeling bored and frustrated. 3hrs after getting up in the morning I'm tired again - even if I've slept 10hrs! To be honest I could pretty much sleep all the time.

     But HOW? How do I change? I can force myself to stay awake of course, but how do I make myself want to do things again? I mean, I do the things I have to (work etc), it's the things I like doing that seem such an effort too! Surely that can't be right!? LOL I'm taking my ginseng now, but I doubt that will solve the actual problem (if it does manage to give me some energy back - and even that I ain't so sure about). Someone give me a "motivation pill" please!

     I have another why and how tho: why are family bonds considered so very special by most people? You know, blood ties and all that crap. I mean, fair enough if you feel attached to the people you've grown up with, those that have been there for you, but they don't necessarily have to be your blood relatives. But why would anyone feel particularly close to some stranger who turns up at their door and says "I'm your long lost brother/cousin" or whatever? And why would anyone feel the need to be loyal to someone who's treated them like crap all their lives just because "he's my father after all"!? I suppose it has something to do with old instincts, where the group protected the individual. But it's just so anachronistic, and often self-destructive.

     Speaking of blood ties, my cousin is getting married... the church wedding will be next year in summer (!) and we ALL have to be there. Ugh. My mum says I'll have to find a really good excuse for cancelling since we know so long in advance. Bah, guess I could just become ill. I hate weddings, just in case anyone didn't know. And I don't like my family much either, as I'm sure you've figured out. *lol*

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:: 02Mar03 01:30 :: WHOOPEEE :: God I should've been in bed ages ago. I've started another one of my health things again... you know, trying to lead the good life - combined with a diet, tho I bet it's all gonna crumble soon enough. I've bought Ginseng tho after Clay suggested it against my lethargy, I'll start taking it tomorrow.

     I've also tidied my PC, that is, the files and folders & desktop & start menu, which looks all funky now with little customized icons, check it here - neat and organised right? Indeed. That's all. My entries are getting shorter & shorter uh? Ah yes, I've updated the Pluggage section so check that out instead :)

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read on > February 2003