Going nowhere fast

This morning I’ve felt the lowest I have for a while. In a weird way.

I woke up from a dream – from a multitude of dreams – from a world of nightmares inhabited by zombies and self-flagellation and gore. People decomposing, moaning, shrieking, staring shocked at their own innards suddenly dropping on the ground in a splatter. Things I didn’t wanna see yet couldn’t turn away from – all the while being surprised at myself for being so unaffected, despite being horriffied.

The final scene of the scary dreams had been of Charlie, me and him in a theatre while people were lecturing us about further threats and scary developments. We were holding tight even tho I knew he too was about to become one of them, was going to decay and turn into a horrible monster; but I didn’t care, I was going to hold onto him through it all, because that was what I had chosen, and in the end it would be fine.

I only realized it had been him I was clutching a little while after I woke up. First I had my usual feelings of displacement and relief – it was yet another dream, nothing to dwell on… and then I recognized the face. There was no doubt it had been him all along. I recognized the posture, the way we slept…

… and it crushed me in a way I cannot describe. It was physical, it wasn’t just sadness. It wasn’t pain either though, no part of me actually hurt… it was just there, all over my body, it felt like something that could be diagnosed: “increased heart rate, difficulty breathing, constricted veins, pressure on the thorax,” something like that. Except my heart didn’t beat any faster than it had been, and my breathing was clearly fine. It just seemed  wrong.

Once I had calmed down somewhat I managed to return my mind to my book. Later, much later, what crept back was – as usual – infinite sadness.

(which can be so easy to embrace)

Nowhere fast. If anywhere.

Dammit.