All Apologies

Category: Life & Me | 12 Comments | Posted 17:39

Well my choices are really quite simple.

1. I can admit that I've made a huge mistake and that I should never have chosen Ally over Monica, that he's not worth hurting her this much and that she's the one who deserves my loyalty and my friendship. Then I'll hope that they'll forgive me and that we can be friends again. I lose my Pet® but I get my wonderful friends back and above all, I do the right thing by not rewarding Ally for what he did. Everyone's happy... well except Ally maybe, but as we all know he doesn't deserve happiness anyway. And me, but according to the law of 'time heals all' I will get over him eventually and all will be cool.
2. I can decide that even though I know I've made a huge mistake, I still cannot live without Ally at this point in my life and therefore I betray my friends' loyalty and accept that they're very hurt and stop talking to me. In all probability Ally will have another fit in a few weeks or months, leaving me crushed again and I will have no Mon this time to share the pain with. (Alternatively if Ally and I can make it work, he will kill himself in a few years' time and if I'm still not "over him" by then I will be crushed too.) This I knowingly accept too. Evil Ally gets what he wants, learns that he can be a complete tosser and stupid Clarissa lets him get away with it, and he's even surpassed his great hero.

You're wondering how I can even hesitate for one second over this decision right? Well I have no idea. Some say I'm crazy - I probably am. Some suggest I need counselling - quite possibly I do. I obviously don't know what I'm doing, I am irrational and have no willpower, I am self-destructive or masochistic, whatever the case. And as it seems I am very selfish and disloyal and deceitful too.

To be honest I didn't realise I would have to choose. This may seem very naive now, but I wasn't aware that what I did was so much of a betrayal. I knew Mon wouldn't be happy, I won't deny that, and I knew it would be weird and awkward between us. But from the talks we had I also thought that she would understand - well she says she understands - and that it would be ok. Yes I know I'm abandoning her in a fashion, but after all this is my decision and only directly affects me. It was clear from the start that I was more forgiving towards him, less radically condemning, and when she asked me days ago if I'd go back to him I said yes I probably would. This wasn't a concrete issue as we didn't really think the opportunity would ever arise.

If it was the other way round... yes I would be upset, and yes I would probably be jealous too. But would it change my feelings towards Mon? I don't think so. I've given this much thought since Mon asked me yesterday and have come to the conclusion that no, I would not stop talking to her. I would understand her decision (obviously since I would have made the same one, as I've just proven), and I would accept the situation too - after all Mon and him were very close friends, have known each other for years, and there is much worth saving. I would definitely accept that, and I would also try to accept my position of being the one who's left behind (tho I may not be happy about it). OK as it is, it's this way round, and it may seem that there is less worth saving. I have never claimed to miss or love him more than Mon - all I can say is that based on how much I love & miss him and my personality/weakness I could not help but want him back despite what he had done to all of us.

As I've said before I don't expect people to condone or understand what I have done. That would be foolish. But I did think they would believe me that I am very sorry about it, and that I do not feel happy or great about my decision or the current situation. Things aren't always black or white, as it is this is a no-win situation for pretty much everyone involved. But you must believe me that I am not proud of myself for this, and that I know it's oh so wrong, but that I simply cannot help it - pathetic as it sounds.

I have tried to stay away, I honestly have. The fool entry originally read "I've been a fool" and I wrote it because I'd just decided to do the right thing and stop talking to him again. The e-mail to let him know was all written and ready to be sent - and when he came online I never managed but started talking to him instead. Similarly, this entry started out as "Weighing my Options" and was meant to tell people that I would take a few days off to think it all through on my own... well you can see where it went pretty much from the beginning.

So yeah. I don't know what else to say except - again - that I am sorry. Obviously if people don't believe that there is nothing I can do. I do love Mon tremendously, I really do. But looks like the one I'm addicted to is Ally. I did not choose this. God I sound so dreadfully melodramatic. Sorry about that too.