I have my Pet® back

Category: Life & Me | 12 Comments | Posted 23:12

Lo: (9:03:54 PM): tell squiZZ and Citz to update

Yeah so squiZZ has done, so I thought I'd write my, um, counterpart to his entry. The title is a variant of "I want my Pet® back", a one-sentence-entry which I'd kept as a draft for days but never did publish, and which I finally deleted yesterday for obvious reasons.

Hm so yeah. After, hm *counts* roughly three weeks squiZZ and I are talking again. I know I know. After all the drama and the crying, the hating and cursing and telling myself and getting others to tell me that I needed to, absolutely imperatively had to get away from him, for my own good as well as his, for everyone's sanity and so on, well after all that I've gone and given in as soon as as he came running back on some drunk impulse, gladly forgetting any pride or common sense or indeed brain I may have. How very unlike me. (Or maybe not and I just sternly refuse to admit it.)

But anyway. I know what he did to us was awful, I know he doesn't deserve my friendship, I know he's messed up, I know I'm (potentially or even probably) setting myself up for more shit and abuse and heartbreak; I am also aware that what I'm doing is not quite fair towards other people, those who've patiently listened to my whingeing and offered comfort and advice, and especially those who've also been hurt and who may now have the impression that I'm running off to the enemy camp.

I do not expect people to understand my choice, and I will not be surprised if they're going to shake their heads and roll their eyes in anticipation of going "I told you so" the next time it blows up in my face. Believe me that I don't expect you all to be there for me next time I come crying cuz evil squiZZ was mean to me again. But fact is, and most people have seen it coming anyway, I love him so much, and miss him so much when I don't have him around that I'm willing to accept the risks it entails. It may be very short-sighted (and this is why I was a fool), but well, I have an addictive personality, therefore cannot stay away from what I know is bad for me and I'm unable to think of long term consequences. (and then there's also the theory that I'm perpetuating my mum's behavioural patterns, but let's not go into that *lol*)

To those more directly involved... I'm genuinely sorry, believe me when I say I didn't intend to hurt anyone. I know it wasn't very well thought through, and it may seem selfish too I suppose. But honest, I really really wish it hadn't come to this. Still I can't keep away.
(this entry wasn't originally meant to sound this negative... ahem.)