So like, Death right?

Category: Opinionated | 9 Comments | Posted 2:51

How do you feel about it?

I mean I'm not sure, there are all these different ideas about death in our society. Mostly it's still a taboo. People don't talk about it. Esp. not their own death. And if they do, they exclude any emotional aspect. They talk about inheritances, and burial arrangements. You get that a lot here. That practical, distanced approach. I guess you get that a lot everywhere. Have everything cleared up & sorted out before you die. But you always leave these emotional wrecks behind, people struggling to get on with their lives, to adjust to the world being without you all of a sudden.

My mum's been hinting that she wouldn't mind dying. That her killing herself now wouldn't be a bad thing. I'd inherit the house and the money, I'd have a couple of months to sort everything out (here we go), and then I could move on to a new life with no strings attached and a reassuring capital to back me up. She thinks that's a marvellous solution (esp. when she's had a few drinks too many). She has nothing to live for after all. She's scared of seeing me fail in life (as she's convinced I will), so she'd rather not witness it. She doesn't enjoy her own life, she doesn't have anyone to live for, so she doesn't see why she shouldn't kill herself.

I believe it's everyone's choice to do with their lives whatever they want - this has always been our belief in this family. I don't condemn suicide, and tho I would always try to talk someone out of it, and would try to understand their motives and make them see that that life is worth living, I would still respect someone's choice if they felt that really they would rather die than live.

And who am I to force my mum to stay alive, just because I think I need her, when I'm running off to a far away country, leaving her here on her own, with no family except 3 old decrepit women to take care of? All I can do (with respect to my own convictions) is letting her know that no, I would not find it neat and convenient if she died now to leave me her money. That I'd much rather have her than the money. That I don't know if I could take another year like the one I've been through. That I can't quite see myself an orphan at 26. But never would I try to force her to stay with me. I couldn't plead with her, begging her not to leave me. That would be an extremely selfish and unfair thing to do.

There are so many ways of dying aren't there. At 18, in a car crash, oblivious until the last 10 seconds that this will be the end of your life. Of a heroin overdose, at 25, after 5 or 10 or 15 years of your life spent unconsciously expecting this final moment. Painfully of cancer at 48, regretting to lose this life so early, with all the possibilities still left, but eagerly waiting for the suffering to end. At 87, sitting lonely in your little room, counting the deaths among your friends, and counting the hours until it will be your turn.

Death is always the same, it's dying that's different each time. I'm afraid of dying, who knows what will be my fate. Who knows if I will have the courage to put an end to it before it becomes unbearable. But death I'm not afraid of. I don't desire it, I know I want to live, for my own sake, for all the things I'm excited about, and also for those around me who love and need me. I don't want to leave them because I know now how much it hurts to be left behind.

But I'm not utterly adverse to death. I've rarely thought about suicide. Sometimes during my dreadful puberty years, and on a few occasions over the first few months after my dad's death. I don't crave it often, but I don't mind it one bit. I'm convinced, I know that death is the end of all things, so there will be no regrets, no bad conscience. That of course is a selfish thing to say in a way, but if you do die there's no way around it and no reason to get upset about it.

We all turn to dust. It's nice in a way. I think of my dad and Jacques Brel together right now. Not sitting on a cloud, not sharing a new dimension, but just because they are here no more. Neither believed in an afterlife, so both are where they thought they would be - gone. And in that they are together. In a very strange way that is very comforting. One day I will be joining them in our common nothingness. We all will.