Ouh, difficult. I think you should start to accept that your father is a part of yourself. I know your exact feelings. I have them about my parents, too, and how often do I think - God, why do I have to be the product of such retards?

And one reason why I never tried out drugs was because I never wanted to end up like my parents, because I know it's in me and might break out if I let it happen.

I think it is a thing in your genes, and you need to accept it but try to prevent the obvious things to happen to yourself. Like me with drugs.

I am even more convinced that it's a genes problem, because my eldest brother is so so like me. It's scary. He acts like me, he thinks like me, our personalities are so much alike. Even though we didn't have the opportunity to spend so much time in our lives together.

Maybe it's true in the end and you're running away. But nevertheless I'm sure you find the right way, because although you may not think so about yourself I think you're an ambitious person with certain ideas of what you want to be in your life and what not. Just don't let your opportunities go when you see them. Don't mess up concerning your job and the qualification you have. Try to make the best of it. And use your time in the UK to make up your mind about what you want maybe, don't just use the trip to get your head off of things that bother you.

Aaww thanks for your sweet words. You put a lot of trust in me. I'm not sure I'm so ambitious.

You're completely right about genes tho. Me and my brothers have many similarities too, tho we grew up separately. No one can tell me genes are a minor influence. I'll laugh in their face.

I have the same problem with any addictive substances. In a way it's good to be aware of your genetic heritage, because you can avoid mistakes. But it can be terribly inhibiting.

I will try to make the most of my time in the UK I hope being away from all of this will help me find myself WITHOUT my father around. We'll see.

I don't think you should let something like this take over your decisions. I know you can't help it, but I would just put it to the back of my mind and do whatever _I_ wanted to do. You're scared of being like him, but the way you talk about him, he sounds like a bad person. Which you're not. You never could be.

So what if you inherit some traits and characteristics that he had? It IS only expected, everyone does. I think your greatest critic is yourself, your mum might compare you to him occasionally but she's not going to lie awake at night worrying about it - you will. Stop being so hard on yourself, if you occasionally do something like him then so what. You can't let that make you stop living the way you want to.

Ultimately things like this can't be changed. Which is why I think you should stop worrying about it so much and just get out there and DO what you want to do. If it's genetic then it's just the way things are. We all take on crap from our parents that we wish to God we could change, but we can't. We can mask them, disguise them, but at the end of the day when it's just us sitting alone, they'll still be there. I think you should just accept that you will from time to time act like he did, not in a bad way, but just in a father-daughter way.

Don't let it make you think you're a bad person, or you HAVE to get rid of his influence. Because you're not, you're just lovely the way you are.

No but you see, these are things that would make it impossible for me to live a normal life - hold down a job, pay my bills, all these things. What if I find out I am like that? It's not a matter of annoying little habits, but of being completely incapable of facing life.

I'm not a bad person, I know that. He's a psychopath and I'm not. But I'm lazy like he is, messy like he is, I easily get bored of things like he does. And these things DO influence many decisions. I can't get married and live off other people's money like he does.

Oh and believe me, my mum does stay awake at night worrying. She's been worrying all her life, as do my brothers' mothers. You have no idea how scared they all are and were. And look at it, one brother in drug rehab, the other brother on Ritalin - who's to say I'm better than that?

Yeah but that's them, not you. Do you ever think you're almost going to become like him BECAUSE it's expected of you? Because you're so scared of doing it, you'll do it anyway?

But you're much stronger than that and you won't let it happen. You must know you won't? No matter how difficult it is, you'll never end up just completely giving up like that. And I'm not saying it because I'm your friend or I'm just trying to make you feel better - I'm serious. You haven't let life just suck you in like that. You say "I could never live the way he does..." Exactly. You couldn't, because you wouldn't let yourself. Do you genuinely believe you're going to end up completely like him, just because you have a few of his traits?

I don't know. I can't know now. I don't think so, but I can't say no for sure.

Then there's no point driving yourself mad worrying about it. Come what may, you will NEVER be as bad as him.

No I don't think I'll be that bad. That's near impossible. I have a conscience and he hasn't. But even half as bad is still very bad.

And I can't help worrying. Besides, MUST worry cuz must never forget. Say, if I didn't know him, I'd never known I'd have to fight it - then I would have become much MORE like him I think.

Ah yes, true. Well if I'm scared of becoming sth and spend my whole life trying to avoid it, I tend to become it. Like fat *lol*

Good Lord, this is turning into War & Peace...

Would say something wise if had something wise to say

no money, no parents, no job, no freinds, no lover, no children, no hunger, no answer to any questions, very few conversations. i m talking to a gosht all "day" long. a gosht doesn't answer.
i don't know what to do. i feel very weak. it just make me laugh sometimes to imagine how strong i could be. in "real" life, peole treat me like a crazy little girl, they rape me all. they don't have any respect for me. i really feel i'd prefer dying or just never been born. but something tells me to to hold on, whatever i become at the end. wherever i finish the show.
you are gosht. and you are my only hope. i'm sorry if it's too much. my parents do worry for me, but they don't beleive in me, in my dreams too, in the possibility of having a true sweet and usefull life based on dreams. and they just won't help me. they'll cut my virtual helping hand. and, in FACTS, it doesn't help very much. Because, i've never been so alone. i see nothing but a fantom, it sooftly pull me down. i hate internet, i hate this world, i want to live and to be helped the way i mean i need.
you could just phone me... try to live me for a present moment. just to give me a smile.
but you don't. do you ....
you just keep wandering what to do while i just need somebody (some=peu importe qui boby=human beast). not a joker i can play when life is cruel. i can't imagine what really scares you, why you stay silent. why i m so alone while i m waiting for you. i feel fed up with you. like i have losen the desire to find you. i guess things are simple than all your complexe wanderings. that the only answer is to wait (but i live) i guess i pay, as usual my constant infedelity. supposing there is love with all this. supposing you were waiting for me and saw me love others. i may have to pay that all life. but i fuck the world. and i m not sure this game is a building. i feel angry towards you. and it's ridiculous to write it. all i have to say is that i really don't want nobody but you. but you don't make the job very easy. i won't give up. i miss you. and i could even shout in the phone. or jut be cute, and save all my bitterness for our best days . that scares me. i'm upset. just want to talk to you with my mouth, feel your presence through your body. that would help me better than everything else. sorry

Fuck you, Adeline.